Its not working.
This is my first post, and let me say, this website has changed my perspective. I love it here. So, my SO and I have been sharing visitation one week on, one week with BM since the divorce was finalized in November. He has two daughters and I have three children who live out of state wih their dad, im cool with it, I have a great relaionship with my kids, exhusband, and thier new SM. I have been divorced for 4 years. My skids are awful spoiled kids. My SO Has admitted to me that he isnt the best at knowing how to disipline and he fully works with me on working wih his girls. They have improved a lot since I moved in. BM has had a new boyfriend twice a month, she moves at about once a month, its not a stable situation for the girls. She has now take a job as a bartender with hours that she says are from 2 pm till 7 am. Here is why I am posting. She called him and asked him offered him $40 to watch the girls till 8 in the morning. We just dropped the girls last night for her week, we had to take them to her sisters because she was at work. Now she has a second night in the row where she has no plan for childcare. He called his laywyer and is startig to fight for full custody. My head is reeling. I love this man, ive known him for almost 16 years. Weve been together for 8 mos, his kids are sd4, sd10mo. Mine are 5,7,8. He loves me, no issues in our relationship, I just dont know how to feel right now. I know im being selfish, but I know im also being selfless. Please provide opions, Any questions will be answered promptly. Thank you for your time.
You have a good relationship
You have a good relationship with your exhusband's wife now. That may all change if those SKs end up in your home full time.
As a SM I would be outraged if I had SKs full time while BM decided to help parent her BF's kids. My first thought would be if she wants to be a mommy so bad, she should come get the three she left here.
As a BM, if I didn't have my own kids full time, I sure as hell wouldn't agree to have another woman's kids in my home full time.
That is one of my major
That is one of my major concerns. I feel terrible having a such a large role in his kids lives and such a part time role in my own childrens lives. SO has been talking about wanting to get my BKs full time as well.
I agree. I do want to step
I agree. I do want to step back. My word to him were, say no to tonite. Expect her to take responsibilty for her actions instead of offering her an out. I told him that we have been together for 8 mos and half of that has been with his kids and its a lot to take on. He said he understand that and it makes sense but at the same time BM is taking risks wih his kids. As a BM myself, I can understand his pOV. He made the call to find out what his options are without me, but I told him this isnt a decision I want to make today, tomorrow, or this week. He said he understands, but if the situation escalates he will take action. As a gf, im confusted. As a BM I feel guilt. As a SM, I get it.
As a father, the safety and
As a father, the safety and well being of his children should come first.
If having his kids full is in the best interest of his kids, then your opinion really shouldn't matter in this.
If that's how you feel you
If that's how you feel you need to do everything, however she lives in the home, so actually it's 50% her opinion. If it were me, the bio mom would have them most of the time and be forced to step up to the plate. When they came to my home, it would solely be between me and my husband. You have things backwards my friend.
Well, would you apply your
Well, would you apply your rule to the OP who is a bio mom herself? Should she be required to "step up to the plate" for her own children who reside with their dad? Maybe the OP's ex has a wife who thinks the same thing about OP. Irony!! It's not the problem at hand, but I'm curious nonetheless.
IMO, the BM has nothing to do with OPs dilemma.
Actually, her opinion does
Actually, her opinion does matter if she's co-parenting these kids with him. It's her home too.
Making huge decisions without you is a red flag. This relationship seems rushed, especially since he has 10 month old. I don't think your SO should be with anyone right now. He jumped from his ex to you.
May I ask what your
May I ask what your visitation schedule is for your own kids. All these children are so very little. Can the grown ups just slow down a little?
My opinion is that the kids
My opinion is that the kids safety comes first. I feel that they are in an unstable situation, not an unsafe situation. When the girls start school we will have full custody of them both. The week on week off is just for one year, until the oldest starts school. I was just really wanting the whole year for everyone to adust to the situation.
The relationship has moved quickly, but we knew each other really well before it turned romantic.
My visitation with my children, because the live very far from me, is every spring break, two months every summer, alternating holidays, and any time at all that I can afford to go there my ex will work with me. I can pick them up or drop them off at school and it works as best it can.
I disagree; a parent who is
I disagree; a parent who is unstable will put her kids in unsafe situations. Please remember there are TONS of people who left their children with people they TRUSTED whose children were molested. If she gets desparate there is no telling what she will do. I think you are thinking too much of yourself right now. He has every right to make these decisions without your input unless he expects you to provide day care. If you don't like being a sm then you can move back out. These children have only their two parents and a very young life to live. The question is what is best for the two children involved, not how you are going to deal with this unexpected year with them possibly coming to live there early.
Yes, he NEEDS to do what's
Yes, he NEEDS to do what's right for these very young children. It's a safety issue. Your relationship, from his point of view, probably needs to come second until they're safe. Your choice, is to either stick around, or not. But, from what you've written, I get the impression you already know this. You seem compassionate and caring. Just bummed that you're in this situation. You have my sympathies, but I think you know what has to be done.
Unstable or unsafe really
Unstable or unsafe really doesn't matter. The bottom line is the kids will be better off with their father. It's his responsibility to do all he can to get them into a stable and safe home ASAP. Not sit back and follow his girlfriend's timeline for doing this.
I'm sorry, but what you want shouldn't matter in this case. If he wanted custody just because he wanted to stick it to BM, then my opinion would be different.
Thank you for all of your
Thank you for all of your input. I know now that i was mostly concerned about myself. Reading all of you answers has shown me that much. I can see how unstable can be unsafe. The girls always end up with different members of her family, but i could see how she might get desperate for childcare.
To answer some questions, i work full time as a vet asst, he works from home doing major sales, he makes a ton more money than i do. So when i am home, yes, he expects that he will disappear into our room and conduct business while i take over the parenting. Dinner, bath, bedtime stories, etc. i have a major role in their lives. I am also expected to do the majority of the cleaning. Laundry, dishes, floors, all of it. It is fair tho, because my child support takes most of the money i earn and SO doesnt ask rent or utilities and he foots the majority of the grocery bill. Financially, i contribute when i can. It works for us.
You are right tho. He called ex-mil this morning, she is the person bm generally ends up living with when she moves out for a few weeks and comes back. He told her that if bm doesn't get her crap together he is ready to take legal measures. Ex-mil told him she already intended to give bm an ultimatum to either calm down or get the hell out of her house. If bm chooses the leave, we will be taking the girls. If she gives an honest effort we will work with her.