Wearing the BIOmom hat for a minute-
My ex is dating a young lady. They have been together a few month, and she pretty much lives with him. My girls really seem to like her. And I am happy if he is happy.
So, I went to drop the girls off to him the other night and his GF was there, no big deal. But he was SO incredibly rude to me when he opened the door. Which is WAY out of character for him. We have had a really good co-parenting relationship thus far (6years) and rarely even disagree, much less argue. But he was flat out RUDE to me. Then I started thinking about it. And he has been rude/ short with me for a while now. I just wasn't really paying attention because I don't take anything with him too personally, he is my EX. I pay little attention so long as the kids are being taken care of.
It was so bad the other night that I called him the next day and asked him WTF? He apologized and went on to tell me that his GF doesn't like me... WHAT? I am a very normal BM. VERY normal. I don't call him unless I have to, I don't tell him what to do with the girls. I completely trust him and let them have their time over there (it's 50/50) I NEVER call them when they are with their dad. NEVER. It is his time. I don't request child support (even though he would have to pay it if I did, I just don't think that would be fair of me since it is 50/50 and I am remarried... he needs that money when he has the girls. He is a single income household). I just don't understand WHAT it is about me she could possibly dislike? I have met her once. I took my youngest daughter to get her ears pierced because she got straight A's. It was technically her dad's day but our other daughter had baseball practice anyways and BD6 HATED going to her practice, so I stole her for a few hours. I dropped her off to EX at the City park where he AND my husband both had softball games at the same time, opposite ends of the park. Ex was out on the field, and I wasn't about to leave my kid with some chick that I had never met before. I introduced myself. She was OBVIOUSLY uncomfortable. But, which made her kinda rude. But I thought it was just the awkwardness of me being the exwife, and the first time we met. NOPE, she really doesn't like me. So, my ex apologized and said it won't happen again and told me to "remember how young she is"... I don't know your girlfriends AGE, OH... she's 23. Ex is 36. WOW. I guess that has a lot to do with it.
I will still conduct myself in the same manner that I have for the past 6 years. My kids are very adjusted to the way EX and I communicate (nicely) and I am not about to let some little girl (my apologies to the younger crowd here, but she obviously isn't mature enough to handle being a stepmom) tell me how to communicate with my kids dad. Not when I am very AWARE of my boundaries, and never overstep them. She needs to go home, the street lights are on and I think I hear her mom calling.
Just had to get that out.
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I was 22 when I met my
I was 22 when I met my husband, who was 32 at the time. I would have done anything for my husband to have an ex like you. She was nice to me . . . at first. She had no trouble using me for babysitting services when she had something to do during her time with SS and my husband was working. Then, when he got mad at him for something stupid, she kind of brought me in the middle. She had him ask me if I heard him tell her we'd be a day late. I did, so I said. Yes, he said that. From that point on, I was a little 22 year old that shouldn't be around children.
Wish I could help. I'd tell your ex's GF how much worse it could be. She's just insecure. I have always told my husband I'd be way more comfortable with her acting nice all the time. Because when there's constant conflict, it looks like unresolved feelings (even if it's just coming from one party). I guarantee you she'd hate it even more if you and ex didn't get along.
Hopefully she'll get over it, once she gets over her insecurities. Being 23 with an older man who was married and has kids is overwhelming. If she doesn't, I hope you and your ex continue to do a great job co-parenting regardless of her dislike for you.
Best of luck.
1day@time- That whole first
1day@time- That whole first paragraph sounds exactly like what I went through!!!
Your the ideal bio mom and my
Your the ideal bio mom and my hats off to you for having class and grace. Step moms love bio moms like you...usually.
Your ex's attitude toward you was uncalled for. Just because his girlfriend does not like you, does not mean he should ruin the good relationship you have as parents. If she doesn't like you, it's because she is very immature and has a lot of growing up to do. Just like step moms get a bad rep, so do "THE EX'S". In here eyes you should be completly out of the picture and SHE is the only woman in your EX's life. WRONG!!!
She has to learn thaat your ex is kind of like a package deal, with children and an ex wife who will alway be in the picture. He should have corrected her and put her straight right away. If you ever get a chance to tell her straight out that you mean no harm, your happily married to another man and the ONLY thing you have in common is children. You have no intention of interupting their relationship, or bothering them in anyway. But the children are there to stay and you will always be in the back ground because you are the bio mom.
Also, she demanded child
Also, she demanded child support when they shared 50/50 (now he has primary physical). And when the judge said she would be responsible for the daycare fees. She took SS out of the daycare he loved, sent him to some shady lady's house, and pocketed the money. She has always created conflict and has informed my SS of too many adult issues. She would call all the time during my husband's time, even if my SS didn't want to talk. She'd leave messages saying "I really really really really miss you. Call me!" And she'd do this after getting in a fight with her boyfriend.
So yes, you are a DREAM ex. That' shows me you're emotionally mature and over your relationship with your ex.
It helps that I deal with a
It helps that I deal with a CRAZY BM on the other side. Kind of a "what NOT to do" manuel for BM, but in real life. LOL
I don't try to be his friend.
I don't try to be his friend. I don't sit next to him at baseball games, or buddy up with his family. I am cordial to all of them. She is yet to witness all of this. She never came to any games and she hasn't been around long enough for her to witness me around his mom or brother or whatever. The one person she did see me around was an old friend of ours when we were married. I saw him at the park when I dropped my daughter off and gave him a hug. But I "lost" him in the divorce and it was really good to see him. I won't try to befriend him now, that is EX's territory and I hate to cross lines. It just gets too close for comfort. MY DH's ex does that. She befriended one of my sisters (whatever) and when things got ugly with me and her, she was upset that my sister respected my wishes and "unfriended" her.
I just wish people would think before they jump in to an instafamily. And I know we all hate the "you know what you got yourself in to getting involved with a man with kids" but, seriously. This one has no excuse. I have done nothing to deserve her dislike. I have even told EX that I am happy that the girls are so comfortable with her, and they talk very highly of her. She just isn't ready I think.
And NO there was no excuse for his actions. But I think I happen to get there in the middle of a "I hate your exwife"
conversation and he misdirected his anger. I forgive. And I would even forgive her if she could pull on her big girl panties and realize that I am just trying to raise to happy, healthy, responsible girls in a jacked up situation. Nothing wrong with trying to make it as normal and non confrontational as possible. Divorce doesn't have to be stupid and ugly. I don't have to live with him anymore, and that is satisfaction enough for me. He's a good dad, that's all I need from him.
Oh, I don't plan on trying to
Oh, I don't plan on trying to set her straight. He was pretty pissed at her, I don't think it will last. But even if it does, I can don't care if she doesn't like me, so long as she isn't taking it out on my kids. I trust that he will take care of it one way or another. Get over it, or get out!
Honestly I would give her a
Honestly I would give her a chance. I am sure that she is very inscure and obviosly she has big shoes to fill :). I'm sure it is just hard for her because you are the exwife and shared a life and children with her boyfriend. Just keep on being great and I am sure she will come around.
I hope you are right. It
I hope you are right. It could go either way at this point. I don't plan on bringing it up with EX again. This is his issue to deal with, and at this point I have no reason to be rude to her. She hasn't done anything directly TO me. EX didn't even have to tell me that. We just kinda have that kind of "relationship". He is honest. I asked him WTF? And he told me...
I am a SM too, I know what it feels like to have to look at the ex wife and wonder WHY they were ever together in the first place. It is a little easier for me to swallow because DH and BM don't get along (kinda wish they did, but she is NUTS so that is outta the question) I am sure she has insecurities based and the mere fact that we DON'T argue. But that is just the way it is, it is what is best for our kids, and we are both mature enough to handle it. Now, it is up to her. My kids really like her. I am hoping she gets over it, and this works out. I really am. He needs someone in his life. He gets lonely, and like I said on another post, he is a good guy, we just weren't good together.
She is only 23. She probably
She is only 23. She probably doesn't know what she is getting herself into. My gosh how many of us are into are 30's, 40's, and 50's and still are having a hard time adjusting to ex's and our dh's kids. She doesn't know you from adam. She doesn't know if you are a nice ex or a mean ex. All she knows is at her young age, is that you are an ex, and that you aren't going away, and won't be for a very long time.
She doesn't know the dynamics of your relationship yet. She doesn't know that you have moved on and have remarried. She has probably never been in a committed relationship behavior that has ended where she has had to move on. She is really young!
I am not saying that you need to bow down at her feet or anything, but to realize that her not understanding is partly due to her age.
You are right on all
You are right on all accounts. It just took me by surprise because I have never had issues with his girlfriends in the past, then again he has never robbed the cradle either! I kid, I kid. She is just 13 years younger than him. That's a strange thought to me.