Venting: Third Wheel
Hello:
I am glad I found this site. I really need to vent. I feel like a third wheel when SD11 comes over every other weekend. FDH and I are currently not living together but I spend more of my time at his house. When it is her weekend, I try to stay home but end up over his house. I think he wants us to interact together. This is the second relationship I have been in with a man who has children. The first relationship was 3 kids (one daughter, two sons) and the current relationship is 1 kid (daughter).
The first relationship I enjoyed being around his children until it started feeling like he only wanted me to come over to watch his kids. Sadly enough, I began to resent his children. I got along great with his oldest daughter. We talked and hung out. When the relationship did not last (ex was emotionally unavailable and a cheater) I cut everyone from my ex's family and friends out of my life including the children because I knew my ex would try to use them to get back together with me...too much drama.
I told myself I would not date anyone with kids again to prevent going through that drama again. When I met my FDH I had a change of heart when he told me he has one child. I thought one kid is better than 3 kids. We have been together for three years. He waited to introduce us until he was sure I would be a part of his future. In the beginning I wanted to develop a relationship with her. However, when I come around, she does not speak to me and when I speak to her she acts like she does not want to speak so I stopped speaking all together; her and her dad play around wrestling (I'm not into it because he plays too rough); when FDH and I are alone in the bedroom she walks in and out like she is waiting for me to leave. One night when I was getting ready for bed she was already in the bed under the covers; I told her she has to go to her room. It has gotten to the point where I ignore her and I stay in the bedroom away from them.
She does not have an ideal living environment at her mother's house and FDH says his house is her escape. She just runs around doing whatever she likes. I am concerned because I am thinking maybe getting married is not a great idea for us because I do not want to continue feeling like a third wheel. I would not let my child do any of the things he lets her do, but, she is not my child and we are not married yet so I don't have a say.
My two cents - honestly,
My two cents - honestly, until you guys get married, you are probably going to continue this third-wheel feeling. You are a visitor at his house, you don't live there. I went through the same thing with my FDW. I stayed with her a lot and she has 3 kids. The youngest 2 yr old daughter always wants to sleep with mom. It was hard for me to accept this, but I made it clear that I did not believe in co-sleeping and if we move in together, this had to change. She has, but her daughter still wants to sleep every night with her mom and getting her to sleep is problematic (lived together for about a month now).
You've got to talk to your FDH. Tell him you want to be a part of his life and hers. But when you do get married, you have certain expectations. Sleeping arrangements, family time, alone time, romantic time, etc. If he really loves you and wants you in his life, he will work with you on this. If you love him and really want him in your life, you will be patient with the situation and talk through these things. Don't throw away a good thing because you're scared.
Talk to him.
Oh, and if his house is
Oh, and if his house is really escape for her because BM's home isn't pleasant...then she just wants the comfort of dad. She doesn't know you and convinced herself that only dad can make things better. When you get married, dad will need to talk with her too and explain you are a part of his life...that you cannot ignore each other. Hopefully, he will discuss these sleeping arrangements too.
This part will just take time. She'll get to know you and when she does, will start to come around.
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. I have started a list of things for us to talk about once things become official. I do love him and I understand this situation will take time to come around. I believe once things are more official things will improve because right now I am still just his girlfriend.
You're very welcome. One
You're very welcome.
One thing though...from my experience, there are some things that would have gone much better if my FDW and I talked them through first before we moved in. Once you know this is what you want for your life, talk to him about it before you take the next step and make it official. Just so you can avoid him feeling trapped. Give him the chance to say he will work with you, or that he will not change anything. That way you will know for sure what you're getting yourself into.
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing about them play fighting and her being in the bed with him. I am scared he will shut down and I know he will not leave because we have overcame situations that were worst than this. I have started a list of things I want us to talk about when things become more official and I hope it helps.
Do not get married until some
Do not get married until some of the issues you have with him are resolved. Getting married isn't a magic fix it all solution - it sometimes makes things worse.
UH- you just said you would
UH- you just said you would discuss these things "once things are official".
Don't be a DUMB ASS- you need to be discussing this NOW. BEFORE things are "official" and you are stuck! Because trust me, it DOESN'T GET BETTER because you got married.
Seriously. Listen to yourself. You are considering marrying a guy who you don't even have a good enough relationship with to talk about your expectations, feelings, and desires for your future. Really?
You are light years away from being ready to get married. Please don't.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the comments. We had a long discussion about his daughter and our relationship. I have some things I need to work on before we can move forward.
Sounds like the daughter
Sounds like the daughter needs an attitude adjustment to. I don't like children that disrespect their elders and that is what she is doing to you. Have him talk to her about everything, or don't be afraid to say things to her yourself. I know most people will disagree with me on that, but I feel strongly that as an adult, I wouldn't let any child treat me that way. Children in general have become the "center of attention" and I disagree with it. While I understand the daughter may be struggling with her parents divorcing, that does not mean discipline and guidelines are just heaved out the door. She may not be your biological daughter, but if you get married, you will be a parent figure. Again, people disagree with that, but it is reality.
When she was already in bed and under the covers, you did the right thing removing her. She does that to see if you will let her by with it. You are enabling her by not saying anything and removing yourself from what will be your married bed. Her Dad should set boundaries regarding that also.
I will tell you, I tried the disengaging thing. It only makes your SO believe that you hate or truly dislike his child. You will build resentment also, as you have experienced from your past.
I wish you the best. Especially if you do truly love him and he you, make each other the solid core of your new family.
*UPDATE* Things have improved
*UPDATE* Things have improved alot since I last posted. I communicate more with FDH about I feel in regards to SD and SD's behavior has improved also. I am at the point now where I would like for SD and I to interact more. I am hesitant to initiate the first move because I feel my efforts will be rejected due to how things were. Any advise?