Needing to talk to DH about SK issues & afraid of saying too much...
I am 24 weeks pregnant with my first child. I always wanted to have 3-4 children of my own, and feel slighted that this baby will probably be my only one - due 100% to the presence of my stepsons, who are 4 & 5. We have primary custody of them and they only visit BM 4 days/month, so I very rarely catch a break.
Last night as we were getting into bed, DH asked me if I'm going to hold our child to the same set of expectations and rules as the boys as she gets older, and whether or not I'll let her in our bedroom (the bedroom is MY space - no stepkids allowed). I told him that rule-wise, yes, I will have the same expectations of her, but that she will be allowed in our bedroom and he asked me why. I explained that the bedroom is MY space and she will be MY child, so yes, she'll be welcome there.
At this point, he launched into a speech about how I can't treat the boys differently from my own daughter because I'm not "allowed" to make them feel unwelcome in their own home. Excuse me? I feel unwelcome in our home. The only time I relax or actually get to enjoy anything is once they're in bed (if they don't get up 50 times) or when they're gone with BM. DH has no close family nearby, so there is no break between visits with BM.
I can't help but be angry about his comments to me. No, I cannot treat your kids as well as my own. I don't like them, don't love them, and frankly see them as a huge inconvenience. I care about them and want the best for them, so I generally try very hard, but I'm sick of it. They don't love or respect me, and I think they see me as their servant. I cook for them, clean up after them and otherwise have no value. Whenever we go somewhere together, SS5 will ask, "why is she coming?" I'm hesitant to open my mouth because of what might come out. How to I explain to him that I will treat my child better because we mindfully created her and she is one of my dreams, rather than an obstacle to them as the SKs are?
For now I can't even look at him. I'm sure that after they're in bed tonight, he'll ask me why I've been so distant or if I want to talk. I think if I talk right now, we'll be heading for divorce court! (When the kids are gone, we have a fantastic marriage - they and BM are our only point of contention.) What level of honesty should I provide?
I agree with the other
I agree with the other comments as well. HRNYC makes a good point in that babies may be an exception for a short period of time due to their schedules and such, but once they're sleeping through the night, they should not be permitted in the kid-free zone.
You should seriously consider some counseling before this baby arrives .. if you draw a hard line between the treatment of bios and steps, you will have a very difficult journey ahead of you.
I agree with LadyFace. I
I agree with LadyFace.
I know how hard it is to raise someone else's kids. BTDT (and am still doing so). But treating the kids differently is only going to open a whole new can of worms. You don't want that.
You seem to really want to address problems with your DH and that's a good thing because he is a huge part of the problem. You said they likely see you as a servant. You say that they make disrespectful remarks towards you. He allows that to happen so he is a huge part of the problem. Perhaps marriage counseling could help you address those issues. If money is an issue you can seek out a religious leader or call your local YWCA for recommendations.
Even if your DH will not agree to go to marriage counseling, you should get some for yourself. A good counselor can and will help you work through difficult emotions and situations, and help you find healthy ways to deal with SKs, DH and BM, and be the best mom you can be.
Coming from someone who
Coming from someone who "lived the dream" -- I had expectations for everyone (my kids who are here 100% of the time, and DH's who are not) and DH had expectations for only my kids.... that's not a good thing. It builds resentment between kids, between adults, basically between everyone in the household.
It's one thing to take the baby into your bedroom to feed/nurse in private, but to make a rule that your child is allowed in there and his aren't.... well, that is and will continue to cause problems.
I do agree with other posters that some of the behaviors your SS's exhibit (asking WHY you're coming along, etc) need to be nipped in the bud immediately, and preferrably by your DH. He needs to shut that down now, or it will only get worse.
My bedroom is my sanctuary also, and NO KIDS, regardless of biology, are allowed in unless invited (extremely rarely). DH broke that rule once, and trust me he will never break it again.
Thanks for the feedback,
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. No, DH doesn't back me up with the kids and yes, he lets their rude comments and behavior slide. When I've finally had enough and say something about it, he vilifies me for it. He disciplines bad behavior when he notices it, which is not that often. They have to do the same thing 20 times before it occurs to him, whereas the same behavior is on my nerves the first time it occurs.
I am actually seeing a counselor and it helps to talk to someone other than DH about it, but I feel like I would need therapy 3 days/week to make a dent in these issues before the baby comes. There will be no time for therapy when the baby comes, as she is due right before school lets out and I'll be stuck at home with all three of them for the entire summer. There is no way for us to go to couples counseling together, as we would have to take them with us and I can't imagine that would go over very well.
I think the other issues I'm harboring resentment over are that EVERYONE in his family and my own expect me to just love them like they're mine and have no issues with it. I am the breadwinner in our family, and am spending a fortune on health insurance, groceries, utilities, etc. for them and I am appreciated for nothing. It is just expected of me and when I tell DH that I'm feeling unappreciated, he says, "Even though I suck at communicating it, I appreciate you" gives me a kiss and somehow that's supposed to be enough. Actions speak louder than words, and leaving me to deal with all the parental responsibilities for kids that aren't mine shows that I am not in fact appreciated. He gets mad when I plan everything I want to do on the weekends they are home so I can escape, and then plan to be home the whole weekend when they're gone. He can't understand that the best thing in his life is the most stressful in mine... we just can't reach the same page.
I can't wrap my head around how to treat them the same. If it weren't for them, we could pick up and move and go anywhere we want to. Instead, we're locked in to this school district (that sucks by the way) unless BM will agree for us to move elsewhere. There are things I want to do fundamentally different with my child than he does with their children, and we can't take his kids down that path with us. I don't know where to start talking without saying too much so I end up keeping it in and letting it fester.
"I'll be stuck at home with
"I'll be stuck at home with all three of them for the entire summer."
He should get the older kids in daycare and camp activities to help ease your load, and enlist some of his family to help you.
Maybe you need to find a different counselor. Sometimes some are better than others.
Best of luck to you and hopefully he'll get his family to help out more, and get the older kids enrolled in camps and daycare. He also really needs to help you out more too, and discipline the kids.
I wish we could afford to.
I wish we could afford to. Since I'm the breadwinner and won't be bringing in any money, there's no way we can cough up that $900/month. I'm dreading maternity leave.
I'll assume Dh had custody of
I'll assume Dh had custody of these children prior to you getting married or pregnant? Or have these issues only came up since then? I'm asking as it seems strange if your dreams were x an x that you chose a man with two young children himself already.
I realize it's frustrating to not feel your DH appreciates all you do and that the majority of household responsibilities land on you. It sounds though as if you're in a case where you're doing a whole lot more than being a wife and SM. You're the bread winner, the disciplinarian, the babysitter AND Dh fails to allow you any 'me' time. This is a resentment setting atmosphere whether you were a mother and/or just a part time SM. And you're a fulltime one.
You need to work on getting DH to understand that there needs to be more than a pat on the head. There is nothing 'wrong' about scheduling 'me' time weekends when the kids are home and so is your husband. These are his children and you've gone all week without a break (and even during the week evenings it sounds as if he leaves all the parenting up to you). Calling a child out on their behavior, their rudeness and installing manners along with enforcing expectations is a necessary role as parent. And he is a parent with two young children to raise/teach and another child on the way.
You need to get him to understand that these two older young children will need to attend some daycare at least part time this summer. It'll be good for the two of them to stay active with children their age and also give you time to adjust to having an infant. Newborn babies take a lot of time/care and you'll be getting little sleep (even block sleeping). It's important for the good of everyone in the home that this summer gives everyone the time and attention they need. Dad can't just dump the whole thing at your feet and expect this summer to be pleasant for you or any of the children...and your resentment will build tenfold.
Dh needs to help with the household in the evening including chores, meals and bedtime routines. He needs to realize you need a Saturday a couple times a week to escape. these are his children, he can entertain them or stay at home and just hang with them. All woman need 'me' time. But I think you'll need to figure out a tactful way of explaining your needs to DH so that he doesn't feel like you're rejecting the skids or that you dislike them. It's not so much maybe that you dislike the skids, but that because you've been saddled with the bulk of responsibility and no respect. You're feeling used, abused and disrespected by both the skids and the DH. Pats on the head isn't going to cure what ails your feelings. You (I aasume) went into this marriage and taking on his children thinking you and Dh were a team, but he's let you down and it natural that resentment is hitting you big time. You need a partner in running the household and in caring for two soon to be three children. Your DH isn't fulfilling his part of the team and when you try and object he gets p*ssy over it. You can't let your feeling fester. You need to address what's going on with him . It might be best too do the talk when the two skids are next gone for the weekend so there isn't distractions.
were these "fundamentally
were these "fundamentally different things" discussed before marriage? If they are so basic and so different it should have been an obvious opening for premarital discussions and problem solving. Now, if you THOUGHT it would be different and just now figuring it out, that's one thing. But if you never had discussions about how his children would affect your "dreams", then I find that negligent at best.
Also: Why does he not have a clue that you cannot physically love his kids the way he does his?
I should have just lied,
I should have just lied, lol... I figure that by the time she's the age they are now, they're not going to remember what rules they had at her age and it will all be a moot point. I guess my frustration is in that he either thinks I need to pretend to be as invested in HIS kids as my own, or he thinks that I should cheapen the mothering for MY child.
BM is a wackjob - left when they were 14 & 28 months old, when she decided to start a new relationship. When that fell apart, she tried to get welfare housing and thought she could just magically walk into a welfare apartment. When she figured out that's not how it work, she agreed to let DH have custody since.
How long have you been with
How long have you been with your DH? Have you always had primary custody?
I'm just afraid I'll say too
I'm just afraid I'll say too much - that he'll find out that I really don't have positive feelings toward his kids and that I see them as such a burden. I think he knows on some level, but it is one of those things I think of as better left unsaid.
DH is really great to me in other respects. We have similar passions and overall we click, though I have to say that I really just live for the weekends when the kids are gone. Everything else is just suckiness to get through until the next one.
He is working on getting his real estate license, so I hope I won't have to be the breadwinner forever. I hate supporting people I'm not responsible for when I can't afford to buy myself the maternity clothes I need and end up feeling guilty when I buy myself something small that maybe I don't exactly need but would like to have. He feels bad that he hasn't had much work this winter, so I hate to make him feel worse about it.
DH had custody when I came
DH had custody when I came into the picture 2 1/2 years ago (we've been married 1 year). BM walked out when the boys were 14 and 28 months old to pursue another relationship that ended a month later. The kids have never been a priority of hers and she is very neglectful when she has them. At her place, it is all fun and games - no rules, no manners, no discipline, no healthy food, no bedtime, PG13 movies, etc. - so this "great" environment from the kids' point of view makes me look that much worse to them.
I always said I would never date someone with kids b/c I wouldn't be able to handle it and I've found out that my gut reaction was right. He is overall a great man, but just has no idea how much I do. I think the only way for him to notice would be if I disappeared for a month!
DH works in construction and recently hasn't had much work at all. He's been helping more now that I'm getting pretty big and unable to do as much (plus I've been working way longer hours) but in the evenings, I am still "on duty" with the kids, as he lets them get away with more than I do. I'm not okay with jumping and screaming and he is just unfazed by both. I'm exhausted and resentful and at my wits' end!
Why did you get pregnant
Why did you get pregnant considering the situation? Better to have admited a mistake and leave.
As stated by others an infant can sleep with mommy until s/he sleeps through the night regularly. The rules should be the same as you mentioned - no TV after xx o'clock as an example. That applies to all children.
As for your bedroom I would play the baby card which is to say that as a baby she can do things that old kids can't do. For instance old kids get to stay up later. Old kids get to go to school (next year). Old kids get to etc etc.
If you play this right the old kids will think they're privileged instead of being discriminated against. As indeed they do have privileges due to more maturity than a infant or toddler.
I can understand your difficulty in explaining to your husband why you stuck around whilst hating his kids and how you're going to raise them without them knowing that.
It's going to be hard to
It's going to be hard to explain, I gather, because she has been successfully hiding her hatred for his kids this whole time. Of course, anyone with the slightest sensitivities would be able to see through it. But a man in love can surely be blind.
Gotta say I agree 100% with
Gotta say I agree 100% with Ladyface
They are 4 and 5. Not even
They are 4 and 5. Not even school age. THEY are not the problem. Despite their "behavior" which I'm sure her bio kid will just NEVER display,it is unconscionable to put all the blame of a failed step situation on any CHILD. It still never ceases to amaze me that we expect toddlers to respond appropriately to such stress when none of the adults can.
So, it's not the doofus husband who can't see what's right in front of him? It's not the grown woman who had unrealistic "dreams"? It's the babies? The ones who have no choice in the matter? Even when it's just children, it disturbs me that people think their behavior is to blame. The system is rigged from the start. QUIT BLAMING BABIES. It's pathetic.
I can actually completely,
I can actually completely, 100% relate to how you are feeling. Skid lives with us FT too. Just had baby number 2. I wish you so much luck. 2 things though.
1. Having a baby will make you feel closer to your step kids (esp because they live with you.) You won't ever love them or even LIKE them, but they will love the baby and you will watch the relationship form between the boys and their baby sister. You will be giving them a sibling, a BLOOD sibling. That baby will connect them to you in some way.
2. You will have to be careful with how you show your feelings. This part sucks so bad..because of COURSE a mother is going to cherish her own child, and that might seem so drastic compared to how you show your step kids attention. I do not try to hold back my love for my bios so that skid doesnt get feelings hurt, but I am concious of it at all time. And, I am also starting to wonder how my bios will see me and my skid when they are old enough to pick up on my feelings for skid. I am not awful to skid, of course, but Im sure i roll my eyes and give looks..pretty much what you described is how i feel for my skid. I do NOT want my children to think that their sibling is anything less than a family member because of my obvious feelings for skid. That is something i have to figure out though, and soon. I don't want my bios to reflect my feelings for skid, though, I doubt that would happen. Skid is the moon and stars to bio. Still, I know that I will have to watch my feelings.
Just remember, this baby is YOURS, but she is also theirs. She will be their sister for the rest of their lives, your life and her life. When she gets here, she will be your world and it will be easier to make sacrifices (skids) to ensure that everything falls into place for her sake, and yours.
Oh, and as for her in the room, if the kids have a problem just explain why babies need to be with their parents..she will be a baby for a while, and the age difference should ensure that they never really care about not being allowed in your room.