SSs - New Home
I am a new SM to 13 & 18 year old boys. My husband has them every other weekend, but the 18 year old doesn't come over much anymore. Before we were engaged, we had agreed the custody arrangements would not change/increase. At the wedding, both kids told me privately that they wanted to live with us. My husband and I were not living together and this was a complete shock to hear from one kid, let alone both! His family also seems to think the kids should come live with us as the BM does not work, and they live in a remote area in a small house. I on the other hand am very sucessful. This is my first marriage and living with a man. I waited 8 years to marry my husband because I did not want the pressures of an instant family/being a SM with young children.
My husband and I are approaching our 1 year anniversary and still living seperate because of real estate and COVID. We decided to build a home that will be complete until spring/summer 2021. I do not want to tell the kids about the house just yet because it is still a mound of dirt and there is nothing to show. But I am also concerned they will see this very large home being built and assume they can just move in with us. I want time to live alone with my husband in our home (that I am purchasing solo) without bringing in the stress of SS's. We are also trying to start a family of our own. I am in the old/high risk age pregnancy group, so I need to reduce the stresses in my life.
Any advice on how to approach telling the kids about the new home, or the living situation? I don't want to sound like I do not love my SSs. I came into this situation with an agreement in place. It very much feels like his family pulled a bait and switch on me, so I would provide a better life for my husband and children. I also do not want the kids to feel like their father has a new life/family and they are being discarded.
We were thinking of taking the kids to the home once complete to share it with them. The other day my SM told me that was a terrible idea because they would not feel included. I'm torn since they will only be with us 4 days/month, and not sure we will have space for full time bedrooms for both of them, especially with one being 18 and going to college. We live in a very expensive area and purchased the number of BR/BA based on those assumptions.
Help!
Bait and switch happens a lot
Bait and switch happens a lot!
Don't let your husband or his family steamroll you into a different arrangement.
Why are you soley purchasing the home? Is your husband's income far below yours? Please consider getting a post nuptual agreement to protect your home?
If you have not yet, now is
If you have not yet, now is the time to consult a lawyer about the laws in your state and how to keep your separate property separate.
Is the 18 year old off to college? Moving in with you could affect any financial aid.
Welcome to the site!
If you get a large house, you always run the risk of SKIDs wanting to move in! We moved to a big house in the country in June, but fortunately my SDs are in their 20s and I can say no, just not happening. With underage kids this is more difficult, and there is always the chance you might have no choice. Best to think of your contingency plans before this eventuality.
You had a agreement with your DH
" , we had agreed the custody arrangements would not change/increase.". If your DH try's to go against this Then you have a DH problem.
What will be the first shot in a long war between you too. Of course his family wants SK to move in so you can support them in a way there parenting could not. BM not working, sitting on her ass watching the world go by
SK wants there own room, TV video gaming system, cell phone , like BM they like sitting on there ass not working
I agree see a lawer. Make sure you have control over your money. That you do not support the SK.
If you want to buy them gifts that your choice, not a something you have to do.
Wait, this isn't about DH's
Wait, this isn't about DH's family - this is about your DH. They can want whatever, but HE has to be the one to tell the kids they aren't moving in with you full-time, especially not SS18, who should be out on his own soon.
Don't go any further with the building of the house until DH lets his kids know they are not welcome to move in with you. Who cares what his family wants. They can take the kids in if they don't like BM's home. Not to mention, 13-year-olds don't get to decide where they live.
Do they know you are building
Do they know you are building a house? Have you mentioned it as in, "we are building OURSELVES a house and looking forward to your visits?" What does DH say? Why are you paying for all of it?
i agree w PP, stop the building of the house until you, DH and his kids are crystal clear that they are not living there. Your in-laws need to mind their own biz and not think they can tell you who can live where.
You need to protect yourself,
You need to protect yourself, your assets (including the new house and any other real estate you own). This has all kinds of red flags and alarm bells.
As for your SM and making the SSs feel included. Kids do not get a say. Sure, excitedly show them the home. When YOU are ready.
Fortuneatly I have never been the NC household SParent. I have always had the consistency and strength of relationship of the FT SParent with my SS. My wife and I are an all in team. Our relationship and each other have always been our top priority. Raising SS was always our top adult responsibility.
So far, we have succeeded at both with this model. SS was 15mos old when we met. He turned 2yo a week after we married. He turned 28yo this summer and is thriving in his life and career. We celebrated our 26th anniversary this past summer.
You and DH have to figure it all out. Everyone else, including SKids, parents, etc... have to accept it. If they don't, that is on them.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I'm not so certain it's a
I'm not so certain it's a bait-and-switch as it is your DH made a promise he couldn't keep. He can't promise that his kids won't ever live with him, at least while they're minors, because something could happen outside his control that means he has to be a full-time parent. Having SKs full-time is always a possibility for us SPs, especially when the other parent isn't on equal footing as our partner.
I don't blame kids for not wanting to live in poverty, or asking to move in with their not-impoverish parent, especially when they see that parent's standard of living dramatically increase when they meet a new partner. Kids don't always understand the nuances of adult relationships and finances, so seeing Dad go from wherever he was to where he's at thanks to you just seems like a win to the kids.
I feel sorry for them, same way that I feel sorry for my own SSs. They didn't want to leave BM, and BM wasn't/isn't going to allow it if it means she loses CS. And the courts aren't going to allow it because BM hasn't done anything "wrong". But, I would have never faulted the boys if they would have come to us and said "please, get us out of her home".
Instead of blaming the kids, I'd look at your DH and ask him what he's going to do to help his kids further. Are the kids (particularly the minor, unless the 18 year old is still in HS) living in squalor? If so, why didn't he fight for them before? Did he try to and fail? Is this a new development that he needs to step up and into? Does he even want his kids full-time (and if not, I'd question having more kids with him)? Have the kids asked before but for good reason were rebuffed (e.g. they got into a fight with BM and are just grumpy with her)?
You are your husband's #1 priority, but his kids are his #1 responsibility. If he NEEDS to step up and take custody, then he just needs to. Promises to you don't mean much when he HAS to (and I truly mean *has to*) step up, at least for the 14 year old. But, if this is just a want to, or it would be nice to have a new home with all HIS family (not your mutual family), then he needed to speak up before tying the knot (or accept that what he promised trumps what he wants unless he decides to leave).
As far as telling the kids about the house, there's no hiding, and your DH needs to be the one to tell them that the bigger house isn't being built for them to live there. Doesn't make you evil for telling him how it will be since he proceeded to marry you knowing where you stood on this. If his kids get mad at him for it, and I wouldn't blame them if they did, then that's on him. You waited 8 years to get married, so it's not like this was a bomb drop on him.