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How do you silence yourself?

needs_a_drink's picture

Submitted by needs_a_drink on Tue, 01/21/2014 - 8:20pm

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I need some guidance on how to do some self reflection and silence myself about everything with SD13. So to those of you who may or may not have disengaged with their skids, how do you coach yourself to bite your tongue when see your DH doing something you do not agree with? What and how do you tell yourself in order to shut your mouth? I've been trying to shut up completely but it seems impossible and I feel like I'm going to explode. I need to shut up, it's not my kid, and honestly I need to maybe drill into my thick head that however she turns out is not a reflection of me but of her bioparents?

How do you reinforce to yourself that shutting up is the best thing? In my situation, shutting up and not personalizing anything is the only way I'll survive I think.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Tue, 01/21/2014 - 8:34pm

Remind yourself "not my kid, not my problem"

Remind yourself that your DH will only get defensive and it will hurt your relationship with him

Think of your SD as the neighbor's kid....you wouldn't tolerate the kid being disrespectful to you or your home, but you wouldn't get involved with stating your opinion on how the child should be raised either

You would be polite and hospitable but uninvolved in anything personal including discipline....

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 01/21/2014 - 9:08pm

Well, I don't silence myself, which I guess is why my husband calls me "Mouth".

I am opinionated, I am a smart ass, and I am always right.

And how your SD turns out CAN be your problem (ever read the adult step forum?). So, you just have to figure out a way to be more.....diplomatic, I think is the word I want. It's not easy.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 01/22/2014 - 7:38am

Why would you want to silence yourself? Just as you are an equity partner in your marriage you are an equity parent to your DH for any children in your home. The marriage is the priority of both partners in it and the marriage takes precendence over the kids in the household. Always!!!

I would suggest that you communicate your expectations to DH and hold him accountable for meeting them. If he won't or can't then he can bite his tongue while you execute as the effective parent in your home.

IMHO of course.

onthefence2's picture

Submitted by onthefence2 on Thu, 01/23/2014 - 11:42pm

Keeping your mouth shut is the hardest thing EVER. There are things about the skid, but then there are things your SO does regarding his kid or bm that affects YOU. Like, paying for more than half bc bm refuses to pay not only her share, but ANY of it. Or letting bm bail on the kid at any moment, interrupting your plans. The whole shebang is b*llsh*t.

butterflybloom's picture

Submitted by butterflybloom on Fri, 01/24/2014 - 3:50pm

I have disengaged before and I don't think SD gives damn if I talk to her or not. Better yet, I think she likes it that I have no say in the things she does. When I disengage my DH didn't like it, and really wanted me to be the out spoken one, even if it meant us having issues. SD is now full time with bm and I only deal with her every other weekend(or so I thought) anyway, I speak my mind and don't hold back, I have probably disengage in being lovable and the super step mom I was trying to be...she has a mom...I'm the step mom..i'll act the the step mom