Step grandchild issue
Not sure if this is the right forum or not... Apologies if it should be elsewhere. Short intro for those who haven't read my previous posts. I'm married nearly two years. My OH has two grown up children, one 30 and one 21. The 21 year old has always been a problem but now has a child, nearly two years old. The dad is a loser and the one good decision she made was to dump him so he's not in the picture...
After countless rows she moved out a year ago to her own rented accommodation. She then decided to start uni (which I think is great that she wants to do something with her life). Part of the problem is that she chose midwifery. That means she will end up working night shifts, weekends etc etc. she's not at that stage yet but the problem at the minute is that my wife runs after her constantly. She goes in every morning to give the child his breakfast and run him to the childminders, she also cleans and tidies my SDs house before she goes to work. She then calls EVERY night to give the child his dinner, light the fire etc etc. my SD is of course home by this stage but apparently she has it tough?!?! I on the other hand make the lunches every morning, make the dinner every evening not even knowing what time my wife will be home at.
All I want is to be put first some times! Is that too much to ask? She doesn't have to call every single night on her way home. I know this might sound trivial but I would love to come home some night and my wife actually be there waiting for me. I'm not saying that I want my dinner on the table every night but a hand some times would be nice. By the way her 30 year old has split up with his wife 3 months ago and is now living with us again. He's not a big problem but adds extra pressure.
Before we got married we had several rows about my SD and my wife to be promised me that WE would come first because my SD wouldn't always be there! Like a fool I believed her 
Any time I bring it up I just get 'grow up you're the adult!' is my SD not an adult at 21? My wife is currently in the spare room after another argument about it. Great weekend this will be.
Your wife is being
Your wife is being selfish and, obviously doesn't value your relationship. Stop accomodating her and take care of yourself only.
have you tried marriage counselling. might help.
Compromise is the key here.
Compromise is the key here. Your wife is way overboard - she probably thinks what she is doing is taking care of two children - which is a mistake on her part. SD is an adult with her own child, and is ultimately responsible for her own home.
How long before the SD will graduate? Hopefully, if your wife can limit her assistance to a reasonable amount, it may wind up being a good long-term investment in the SD's independence. That may be of benefit for you in the long run, because if SD is self-sufficient and has a decent career it will keep her out of your house for good.
Perhaps you wife can help on a more limited schedule - in the mornings only, or whenever the SD truly has a specific timeframe where she needs some childcare help. If the SD is home in the evenings, she can take care of her own child. Your wife needs to come home to you.
And the 30 year old needs to have a definite move-out date or he will wind up there long-term.
It seems like your DW wants to be the perpetual mother - she needs to remember that she is also a woman married to a man who needs attention, too.
SD has it made in the shade.
SD has it made in the shade. Sounds like both SD and SS do. I raised my BS from birth to 15 years, working full time with a completely missing XH (to include no CS or assistance of any kind) and family that lived three hours away. They were close enough in a pinch but too far for me to lean on and rely on for free child care. I made less then $30,000 a year and out of that came a house payment and full time daycare. I was hourly so when child was sick I lost wages but had to pay daycare anyway due to standard contract. Translate: lost sick time from work = - (2.50)hr! Attendance policy was strict so if I were the sick one I had to go to work anyway to avoid loosing my job from sick child absences. It was tough times for me, but what doesn't kill us will make us stronger.
The Skids will not grow to be functioning adults if parents do for them what they should be doing for themselves. It will stunt them and they will be stuck in adolescence. This is what happened to my x, thus the reason he is my x and ultimately disappeared, leaving me with a baby and 100% responsibility. He is now a 50 year old adolescent, or so I have heard. You both want more for her kids then this. And, spouse should always come before kids!!
It's too bad you can not "relocate" an "inconvenient" distance from both kids. This would make their reliance on mom an inconvenience and "encourage" self reliance on their part. When my son was acting like his dad after high school, I " helped" him get a job that was 7 hours away. Why? Because he needed to grow up and it wasn't going to happen under my wing. Yep, he is making mistakes but so far he has navigated through most with little or no help from me.
If he were here, and being a bit on the co-dependent side that I am, I know I would be tempted to rescue and that might give me an ego trip but would be no help to him! I know this May not be an option but moving farther away from the kids can really help.
I have friends who had a
I have friends who had a problem daughter. They would have let her suffer the consequences of her actions had it not been for her child. They ended up basically raising their grandchild from birth (who is now 10) while their daughter tried school several times for several different careers. The daughter is now a paramedic and guess what----works nights, weekends, holidays and my friends, in their 60's are still raising the granddaughter. They cannot travel or do any of the things they so looked forward to in their retirement because they have made themselves responsible for their grandchild.
Your SD does not have to consider her career choices since her mom will pick up the slack and she knows it. She is not being responsible. She lost the privilege of doing anything with life decisions when she became a parent. Your wife is not treating you like a 100% partner.
If your SD is going to university, they should have child care options for students. Even our community college where I live does. Check out options and present them to your wife. If she does not wish to consider other options, you have your answer as to what priority you are in her life.