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signing agendas..

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Sat, 01/11/2014 - 6:38pm

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Parenting Issues

This may seem unimportant or silly..
Hopefully someone can help me overcome this frustration..

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and lived together for one and a half.. While he was able to financially support himself (with student loans) when I came around I helped out a little. (Gas, food, any trips like the movies or anything..) This is my first relationship with some who has kids, but my problem is..
When it comes time to sign paperwork for school, or agenda's my boyfriend explains, "for legal reasons" I shouldn't sign any of the childrends stuff..
Or when I offer to go to parent teacher conferences, I'm either not introduced or unaware of it..
I know it may seem like something that's not worth my time to frett over..
My take on this is if I am taking care of them physically and emotionally what is the problem of signing a piece of paper? Or letting a teacher know who I am.. (Its so frustrating trying to pick up a child when the teacher isn't sure who are.. Even if you are authorized to pick the child up.)
Besides worrying about nothing.. Is there any advice on how to feel like I have a place? Sad

-Young_one

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 8:28pm

Who doesn't have baggage?

Kids my age live with their moms and dads with no goals or aspirations..

(Early twenties)

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Sat, 01/11/2014 - 7:03pm

There is a BIT of an age gap between my boyfriend and I..
What I am still not understanding is the fact that their father counts on me for support, yet I can't be apart of their school lives? Yes I chose to date him and yes I chose to give up my life to be apart of his and his children's lives but I still desire validation.. Or some sort of recongitition.. You know, hey this is the person who is helping me, she is apart of our life and she can be involved with this as well.. She is important to us.
I disagree, but thank you for your advice.
-Young_one

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 7:18pm

She does and she's involved..
I'm not sure she appreciated signing her daughters agenda the few time I did it..
Pretty sure she mentioned something to my boyfriend..
Which just reinforces my argument..
I want to mention everything I'm not doing because of their daughter (and my boyfriend's son) but of course I can't because I chose this relationship..
But.
It feels like there are certain expectations for me to be "apart" of their family, and "spend time together" help with homework laundry etc..
Just don't have any status or role..?
Sorry if this makes no sense or just seems silly..
I just feel replaceable and insignificant.. Sad (with all the responsibility of a a significant one..)

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 01/11/2014 - 8:04pm

The man wants a nanny and a human ATM. He does not want you involved with the important stuff. In other words, stay in background doing the grunt work he will do the rest.

He doesn't respect you enough to have you front and center.

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 7:53pm

That sounds really terrible.. Its bad.. But.. I think he has some respect for me..
I think what I am asking for is maybe ridiculous.. But there has to be a middle..
I just want important people to know I'm the one whose come in and started to help now. Like hey I'm working my butt off and they care about me.. This is the person behind the curtain.

Gosh this sounds so whiney..
Sorry!

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 7:59pm

Ok..
What I don't understand is.. What is the legality of my partner signing his daughters agenda? Or I?
If he is busy or whatever the case may be..

I should just let it go.

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 8:02pm

You don't feel like you are missing recognition?
Or like you're just the "caretaker"?

May be a little different since I'm not married..

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Sun, 01/12/2014 - 6:34am

Or, Dad knows that the ex would pitch a fit over his g/f signing school papers.

If you're picking the kids up from school and whoever doesn't know who you are? Introduce yourself.

How often does Dad have the kids? Is he involved with parenting them when he does?

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Sun, 01/12/2014 - 9:10am

I'm going to guess "legal issues" = "my ex will cause me legal problems".

I also don't think she should sign them, but did I miss where she said she is primarily responsible for homework? I certainly may have.

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 8:08pm

What legal issue may come into play with signing agendas and attending parent teacher conferences? There aren't any restraining orders or anything..

I do help them a lot with homework...

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 8:05pm

I introduce myself. I invite myself to the first day of a new school yr to make sure he teacher knows who I am.

He is involved in parenting. I don't agree with how he parents or how his kids talk to me.. But who am I.. His daughter is Wensday at 5 until Saturday at 6. His son is 24/7 now.

onthefence2's picture

Submitted by onthefence2 on Sun, 01/12/2014 - 10:25am

Sorry, but I think your bigger concern is this:

"While he was able to financially support himself (with student loans)"

And he is older and has kid(S). Why is he supporting himself with student loans? How much does he owe and when will he start paying back?

Otherwise, I would NEVER want or expect my bf to sign anything for school. And this shouldn't be your hill to die on.

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 8:13pm

He is older than me. He isn't 50 or anything.. He had to drop out of college to put his ex wife through her BA...
He's considering a job now.. (He's in grad school)

"Hill to die on?"
I just don't like that he doesn't say.. Oh by the way this is my girlfriend.. Or hey since you are always helping with driving the kids to school or picking them plus homework.. Come find out how they are doing.. Come check out the kid you are guiding and being a role model for..

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 8:21pm

He "had to quit college" to put his ex wife through school and "support his family". Cool whatever. When she was done with school and it was his turn to go back she said SEE YA!
He is in a great grad school and trying to get a job with some flexablitiy..

Your post made sense though..
I cant help but feel quilty.. I wanna be helpful.. Take cookies to the class parties, go out on weekends to the zoo... Etc..
He is big on "spending time together"
Dont get me wrong I DONT want to be a house mom (nothing wrong with that just not my thing) I am almost done with my BA myself..
But youre right..
If im going to have responsablities then I want rights!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 01/13/2014 - 4:50am

I am a StepDad and have been for 19+ years. My SS-21 was 15mos old when his mom and started dating and we married a week before he turned 2yo. He was an only child in our home. I have always been fully involved in his life including signing school forms, picking him up and dropping him off from school, taking him to the Doctor, authorizing treatment, putting him on airplanes for visitation, picking him up at the airport when he comes home from visitation, etc, etc, etc....

My advice is that you do whatever you want to do regarding parenting your Skids until a Judge tells you that you can't. That is what I did and no one ever told me I could not do what I wanted when I wanted regarding my son (SS).

As for the advice you have received regarding finding a BF without baggage ... I agree. I have had an amazing life with an amazing woman and raised a great young man as my own. However, I am the elder partner in my marriage (My bride is 38 and I am 49 11mos and 1wk old ... no issue with turning 50 or anything ... Wink ). It is definately much easier for an older more experienced partner to take on a StepFamily situation than for a younger partner to take it on. My validation comes from my own confidence, the recognition from my son that I am his dad and from the commitment that my bride and I share. The Sperm Clan will never admit that I am anything to my son or that my wife is anything to our son for that matter. They are intellectually and from a character perspective incapable of recognizing such a deep concept. I don't really give a shit what they think.

If your SO insists on maintaining his smorgasbord philosophy on what you can be involved in and what you can't be regarding your relationship with him and your care and feeding of your Skids then you are wasting your time in this relationship IMHO. He needs clarity that you are an equity partner in the relationship and that means being an equity parent to any children in your home.... PERIOD!!! If your partner, the person who this should be a no brainer for does not get this critical relationship concept then the forecast for this relationship is not long and will not be sunny or even clear to partly cloudy for that matter.

More importantly, your SO needs to step up and be YOUR equity partner instead of leeching off of you to support he and his spawn.

IMHO.

Good luck.

Young_one's picture

Submitted by Young_one on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 8:27pm

Our age gap is very similar..!
Except.. I am in my early twenties and he isn't..

There is no law saying I can't sign an agenda.. Im not doing it to piss of the bm.. Its just my boyfriend was busy and since Im already helping with homework it SHOULD be no big deal..
Yeah I really hope my boyfriend and I figure this blended """family"""" (sure..) Thing out..