Is it wrong for DH to stop seeing his kids!?
There is always so much back story to every topic, but my bottom line is:
I am tired of my husband's disrespectful trailer trash children (3 boys ages 7,9,&11) coming into my home, disrespecting my children (4 boys ages 6,7,9,11), teaching them inappropriate words/games, then running back to their mother and grandmother (the grandmother is the guardian) and complaining about how awful their visit was.
They tell their mother I feed them bologna sandwiches, while my children eat steak, they say I force them to stay in the basement and sleep on the floor (it's a 900sqft basement with 2 TVs, wii, Xbox, carpeted, that my children use as a bedroom)!
Last Christmas we sent their gifts back with them and their grandmother threw them out. This Christmas we keep them at our home (3 hours away) and they complain that we didn't let them celebrate Christmas with us, said they had to watch my boys open gifts.
I shouldn't care what these dumb women think. The BM lost custody of the children because her and her new hubby get drunk and beat each other. At the time, my husband did not have a place for the kids to stay, so the grandma got custody. Now the BM has another kid that is in foster care cause of her drunk husband and her. And while we had the kids for Christmas break, she got another DUI. So I obviously don't think she has any place to judge me as a person, but....
I can't stand that her children spread my life around. They are ungrateful selfish brats that have grown up as welfare rats. They don't appreciate anything. At this point in time, I don't want anything to do with them. Every time they come to visit I have weeks of texts and calls from these people complaining about the visit! It costs a lot of money to feed, clothes, etc for 7 boys. I don't need that! I could be giving my children more!!
My husband is ready to be done, he said he has no problem with his kids not coming back because he is tired of the drama also. I just don't know if I can do that. As a previous single mother, I know how hard it is on boys to not have a dad. I also don't want my husband to resent me one day,
He already has a son he has never seen (his ex gf was pg when we got together, he didn't know til baby was born), even though I encourage him to go visit he doesn't want to.
I don't want step kids, but I don't want my husband to stop seeing his boys. I suggested that he make day trips to visit them and take them out, but he thinks it costs too much. I don't have a problem forgetting about them, so I don't want to push it. But is it wrong of me to let him do this?
Only you guys can decide what
Only you guys can decide what is right or wrong for your family. In my opinion, rude children do not justify more abandonment. Has your DH thought about trying to get custody back from gma?
We've talked about it. We
We've talked about it. We even spoke to a lawyer. DH just wants to wash his hands of the problem because he sees the heartache it causes for our family. Financially, it will be a struggle to get custody. Lawyer said we need 10k retainer.
Of course it's wrong. He has
Of course it's wrong.
He has already walked away from one child. Now he's ready to walk away from three more children. Meanwhile he's playing daddy to four that aren't his. :?
Yes it's wrong. His kids are
Yes it's wrong. His kids are rude, expensive, lying brats, but they are HIS rude, expensive, lying brats. Who else should be dealing with them if not his parents? Him and his good for nothing BM are responsible for these character flaws. I really don't understand these people that think they can abandon their kids because they behave too poorly. :? Is this really what society has come to?
They're all children!
They're all children! Adolescent aged children! IMO if he would be willing to voluntarily give up his children, he is most definitely not husband material nor stepfather material. How could he consider that?!?
Has it occurred to Dad that
Has it occurred to Dad that they might learn to be better if he actually stepped up to be their parent? Or is it easier to just pretend they don't exist?
And really? You don't want step kids? Then why did you marry a man with chldren?
He tries to parent his kids,
He tries to parent his kids, but BM goes out of her way to make it hard. I've heard her tell the kids to throw fits, scream, and hit if they don't like what they are told. This is a grown woman telling children to behave like animals.
And what does Dad do?
And what does Dad do?
It's more about the
It's more about the horrendous BM than anything, My DH tries to be a parent and she is constantly bad mouthing him to the children, refusing visits, and calling at all hours to complain about trivial shit (like the color of her sons toothbrush, literally!!).
He doesn't want anything to do with his infant son because he thinks his second BM will be like the first, I tried to convince him that not all woman are that vindictive and hateful, but he won't listen, Besides, BM#2 has a man that she considers the father of her son, as long as she gets he $$ every week she doesn't care if DH sees the child or not.
When I married my DH, I thought we would be able to quickly and easily get custody of the SKids. The grandma (guardian) had verbally agreed to allowing us to have the children once we moved into our home (we were purchasing a bigger house). Suddenly, BM gets out of jail and grandma wants to keep the kids.
We live 3 hours away, so we can't be present daily. But when we have the boys for the summer (7 weeks) we see a huge change in behavior. But as soon as they go back BM interrogates them until they say they hated their visit, My middle SS9 said they (grandma and BM) will yell at them if they say they had fun, and they refuse to allow SKids to call or write their father. Middle SS9 had to hide a Father's Day card that he made in his sock so grandma wouldn't throw it away!
DH wants to be a father but BM makes it impossible. How are we suppose to go on??????
So they tell you that they
So they tell you that they are forced to say these things about you/Dad to keep some semblance of peace in their lives, but you and Dad are still willing to walk away? Dad was more than willing to stick it in BM2 when it felt good, but has decided that the possible drama isn't worth getting to know his child with her? Yeah - he's a prize!
What effect can he really
What effect can he really have when we only get the kids holidays and summer breaks?? It's almost like coming to our home is torture because we have structure and discipline. What's the point of continually throwing our lives into turmoil?
Should I expect BM to get over herself and stop complaining about our home? Should I continue to allow her children to tell my Sons about drus and sex!?!?
I don't know how to proceed. That's why I reached out here for help, I wasn't expecting so much negativity.
Tell me there aren't other step parents here that wish their Skids would just disappear!?!?
And again - OP said she
And again - OP said she doesn't want stepkids. So why marry a man with kids? That's what I don't get.
As a person whose father left
As a person whose father left when I was a teen, I want to say that he needs to keep fighting. My mother moved my brother and I halfway across the country at age 7. I saw my biodad every year during summer until I was about 14. The last time I saw him I was 16. He stopped because it was easier. Or should I say too hard to deal with my mother, and me as a teenager not wanting to leave my friends for months. But he stopped calling, writing, everything.
In hindsight I'm glad bc I've learned a lot about him and myself and he is a very bad person that I do not want in my life. But if he wasnt? I would be super hurt (still am even tho I want nothing to do with him) that he just gave up bc my mother made it hard. Even if I never saw him again, but I knew he kept trying, I would feel a lot better about things. (And I'm sure would have had much healthier relationships as a teen/ early adult!)
Getting custody is hard, and expensive- your attorney is correct. But shop around. Not all require a retainer like that. And honestly a bioparent is almost always favored over a gparent. I know it sucks, but its just a few more years, and it will make a world of difference in their lives knowing their dad TRIED to be there vs just walking away.
Thanks for having the only
Thanks for having the only productive response so far. It's so easier for others to judge and jump to conclusion.
I know my husband is doing this because he thinks its best for me. And there are times I want to call it quits. But I can't live with myself knowing he isn't there.
I haven't been able to convince him to visit his infant son, but he did contact another attorney today and we are seeking full custody.
Hopefully his poor past wont hold us back in our custody battle.
No. 2nd BM wants DH to have
No. 2nd BM wants DH to have no contact and he won't push it. Seeking full custody of older 3 from previous BM.
Why in the world do you want
Why in the world do you want to go on with a "man"like this?
Men raise raise their kids. Not run for the hills because mom is crazy.
If he had had his shit together, he would have custody not grandma. Instead of getting his act together when grandma got custody, he goes off and creates another child. And walks away from that child as well. Now he still isn't in a position to go to court and get custody of his kids.
How can you stand to have a man like this around your sons?
How long have you been
How long have you been married to your husband? If he has an infant son, my suspicion is not very long and you had no business jumping into a marriage with this man.
I would strongly encourage you to really do some soul searching and perhaps therapy on why you would choose such a vile man to be a life partner with and be an example to your own sons.
He's pond scum, no other way around it.
you are very kind to consider
you are very kind to consider the feelings of your skids, but keep in mind that are not your children. they have been raised by the bm and you have no idea how they were raised. you also have not control over the way they are raised.
this is a toxic situation in the making.
try to keep these things in mind. you have a concern for these kids, but it appears they have the ability to ruin your lives and the lives of your own children. your husband is wise to limit contact for the sake of your marriage. having custody might help. at least your husband will have more power and control over the children.
there is not an easy answer here.
Thanks. Getting custody is
Thanks. Getting custody is very difficult due us living so far away (3hrs) and SKids having other siblings thy currently live with. Judge does not want to break up siblings.
I think we will proceed with out of home visits until our lawyer gets our case ready. I'd like to have them before they are teens while they are still impressionable enough to "fix".
If Dad drops his visitation?
If Dad drops his visitation? Gaining custody will be even more difficult. Especially when they are teens and likely to tell the judge no way as Dad turned his back on them.
Seriously!? How many BMs
Seriously!? How many BMs turned Ito complete monsters once DH or SO left her!? That is the case here. They divorced and she spiraled out of control. Had the children taken by Family Services because her and new hubby beat each other regularly. DH was unable to get children because of his living situation back then. He's been working hard to get his life in order to get his kids back, but she's made it impossible and now they are corrupt children!!!
The back story is so long
The back story is so long it's ridiculous. Which is why I shouldn't have posted here to begin with.
I feel guilty that I took this man from his children. Sure he wasn't the best father back then, but he just needed out of that lifestyle. Which is what I offered him!
No we aren't going for us today of the infant, but ie tried to talk him into visitations which neither he nor 2nd BM want. She has a man wanting to adopt the infant and wants my DH out of picture. I think he should still force visitation but he doesn't want to push it if she doesn't want him around.
DH has always visited older 3 kids regularly and never missed a support payment. But since BM came back into picture Skids visits have turned out happy home upside down. My DH doesn't eat to stop seeing his boys but don't know how else to save our home.
We contacted a lawyer about custody of older 3, but there is able of red tape because we are out of state, other siblings, etc...
I understand if my husband had been a better father 6 years ago, he's have his kids now. Unfortunately, he wasn't, but now he has improved everything about his life and BM is still in that hole trying to bring us down to her.
how wrong is it to walk away from children if your presence only makes their life harder? And your new families life worse?
"how wrong is it to walk away
"how wrong is it to walk away from children if your presence only makes their life harder? And your new families life worse?"
Well since he screwed up so bad previously, I guess it's only fair he get a do-over. Seriously? :?
I try not to be judgmental, but this is just appalling.
Actually, only two of the
Actually, only two of the four are his biological children. She was PG when they got together (at 16) and he signed the birth cert, 2nd one is his, and 3rd is not but he raised him. Legally he is their dad but biologically he only made 1 child with 1st BM. But since he raised then for 6 years he considered them his bio kids.
This guy is just awful. The
This guy is just awful.
The poor kids may be better off without him.
Wow reading all this is
Wow reading all this is confusing... But what I get is this the skids go home tell GBM And bm how bad they have it at your house..and how awful you are..so u must be doing a good job keeping your sanity.. I dont agree with your dh wanting to just let them go...they need someone in their corner... If GBM is handling it ..then whyis bm in the picture? She aapparently isn't the best role model and anything she said should fall on your deaf ears...its not worth listening too..and I understand the money situation.. Its hard to put all that effort into making your home their home...wish you luck on however y'all proceed but hope for the best for everyone involved.
Dad isn't much of a role
Dad isn't much of a role model either. The grandma ended upbwith the kids because dad wasn't stable. A growns ass man with three kids was not able to take his kids when the mom lost custody.
And the infant just gets tossed to the side because dad can't be bothered to put on his big boy pants and parent the child he created.
Agreed! He wasn't much of a
Agreed! He wasn't much of a father back then. Fought through alcohol dependency and drug addiction and came out to be the amazing man he is today. Yes, I wish he had been able to take care of his kids back then, but he wasn't. And losing them changed him and he's struggled to regain custody ever since. I think that may be why he is tired of fighting.
The single child removed by
The single child removed by family service was born after the other were removed. BM lost custody of her 1st 4 children (3 of which belong to DH) nearly 4 years ago and just recently had another baby which was removed from her home over Christmas break.
Thanks for all the comments,
Thanks for all the comments, even the harsh reality ones.
When I married DH, we had Grandmas blessing to take the children once we settled in our new home. Subsequently, we find out DHs ex gf was pregnant (by DH), but already engaged to new man who has assumed role as "daddy". Then 1st BM finds out she's pregnant (not by DH) and needs to feed off her mother ( who has custody of DHs children), so grandma changes her mind about relinquishing rights.
I only spell this out because I didn't jump into a marriage with a man that couldn't take care of his kids. We had a plan and a hope for a happy (yet large) family, which obviously didn't go as planned.
Now, I guess, I must decide if I should put my children through the extra turmoil of these step siblings, or walk back into single motherhood (which I'm pretty damn good at!!)
Thanks again got letting me vent and the different perspectives.
Yep, it is wrong.... but.....
Yep, it is wrong.... but..... the kids need some clarity and consequences for their manipulative bullshit.
DH needs to step up as a dad and start instilling some integrity and character in to his sons.
IMHO of course.