Christmas Vacations
I have three adult stepchildren who are unmarried and still taking very long Christmas breaks. The three will descend on our household on Dec 20 and the last will leave January 21. I am a high school teacher and I have two precious weeks of vacation that will be consumed with entertaining. And it's not just that I will be cooking, cleaning, and driving these late 20's, early 30's stepchildren, it's that I need time alone. I asked my husband if I could write the "kids" and ask for a few days of solo time. I was going to suggest five-day visits from each (two will be visiting at one time) until I go back to school at which time, I will too exhausted to protest the additional work. We have a nice large home and we bought it so that we could put up the kids (I have two children, too, who won't be visiting over the holidays; we will go there for a long weekend instead), so I know it makes sense for the stepchildren to want to come and stay. But I feel that our home is the most comfortable option for them, the cushiest place. (They have grandmothers, aunts, cousins, and friends in town), They want to stay here for their convenience and certainly not because they want to spend any time with me. They will politely tolerate me as I will them, and I sincerely want my husband and his children to have a great time. I just want some days to myself. How do I ask for a handful of days with no company? My husband says he will have to take the kids to a hotel and stay with them which seems punative. I don't want to fight with him about this, but it is my house, too. And my life is so hectic that I look forward to breaks like crazy.
Not looking forward to this one.
They're adults. Why can they
They're adults. Why can they not go to their own home?
You send out a mass email to everyone visiting and CC it to their dad. Let them know what day your "personal vacattion" will be over, and they can trickle in after that.
I had to do something like this this year. I usually work with BM3 on our time with SD4, who we have 50/50, week on/week off. BM3 has no custody of her older son, SD4's half-brother. She has 2 1/2 weekends a month that she gets him. So I usually let her have SD4 during those weekends and trade her for some weekday time later on. Well, of course with the holidays she has her son some extra days. She basically asked for SD every weekend in December and for a long weekend at the beginning of Winter Break.
Normally I'm super accomodating, but here's the thing. I hate BM2. We have been dealing with a ton of crap with her lately. From the weekend before Winter Break until Christmas day (a span of about 2 weeks) according to the CO, I have a rare alignment of weekends and vacation time where I don't have to deal with any BM scheduling AT ALL.
So I gave BM3 the weekends that she asked for that didn't fall during that time. However, I sent her a google calendar link and explained to her that between 3 skids and 3 BMs, I have to schedule around pickups and dropoffs literally EVERY weekend. So I was planning on taking that two week break between this coming weekend and Christmas day as a holiday gift to myself. The gift of peace and quiet with no pickups and dropoffs. The gift of uninterrupted family time alone, no matter what the exception was or who felt it was a good reason to ask for a favor. And I am planning on enforcing it.
It's not unreasonable to ask for a little 'you' time sometimes.
Lorraine - your first mistake
Lorraine - your first mistake was making your home so inviting - tell your Dh that his kids can come and stay for a few days - this means 3 or 4 days at most - you are not a hotel and you as a teacher need some down time as well - if these skids who are really adults want to come to your home then they need to clean up after themselves, cook for themselves and freaking be adults and give you a break.
Tell your Dh that they can go to a hotel and they can pay for their own hotel if they can't abide by the rules and 4 days is a lot of time to be spending at your parent's house - I just don't get this generation of adults - I would never spend more than 3 days at my parents house and most times I stay at my sister's because I know it is a lot of work for my parents and believe me when I go to visit I cook, clean and take my parents out to dinner and buy them whatever they need - I would never think to just go and have a free ride for all that time - tell DH that he either needs to start respecting you and the time you need to regroup to go back to teaching or life will not be that fun for him!!! But you also need to learn to stick up for yourself and really lay down the law - your house your rules they can stay at relatives as well. They are not there to see you they are there to have a nice house to hang out in and make it convenient for them to visit everyone else - I call bullshit!!
I wish.... I would treat them
I wish.... I would treat them just like the adults they are. Let them fend for themselves and take care of themselves. You are on your winter break from teaching. So don't let them infringe on you. Enjoy your time off. They are not kids so don't treat them as such. I would be cordial but nice nasty. Ignore them when they get too needy and just enjoy yourself.
Hell. I'm a teacher too. I
Hell. I'm a teacher too. I know EXACTLY how you feel! I'm a custodial SM, with skids 18, 16, 15. I miss the years when I could "force" them into their mother's car to leave for a week at Christmas! Now they have basketball and work and other committments, and will be with her less than 24 hours.
YOU go to the hotel.
Me? After we all go to my parents' for our family Christmas, Gibby and I are staying there a few extra days. Mom is a retired teacher, so she knows I need this time. Loghead will come back and be with his kids alone for a bit- the boys have a ball tournament and Princess will be home from college.
Really, i need the break, but I make it about him getting time with the kids... It's all about how you word it to avoid the fight...
I was thinking exactly what
I was thinking exactly what Last-wife said. If you can't find a way to give them the boot for a while, go to a hotel yourself. Find one with a nice spa and maybe some good shopping nearby ... just a thought.
But I'm a working custodial SM, when I get a break from work and the skids, I really love to be at home where I can tinker around with my own home projects and such. Bringing much needed order to my house for when the chaos of workday evenings with the skids returns.
You've just got to explain your needs to your husband and work out something that everyone can live with.
I'm curious though, what is up with these adult skids getting so much time off? Do they not have homes of their own? Are they all college students or something? Where's their mom? I'm sorry if you've explained all this before in another post. If so I missed it.
"My husband says he will have
"My husband says he will have to take the kids to a hotel and stay with them...
I would be packing his bag if BF ever said this to me.
Hi-- Thanks everyone for your
Hi--
Thanks everyone for your comments. It's become a full-blown fight between my husband and me who can't see why it's not a pleasure for me to entertain his children my entire xmas break. He doesn't want to hurt their feelings and they are his children and he loves them, blah,blah.
I asked for three days to call my own in that two week, two day Christmas break. One day while his son is here and two days when his daughters are here. I thought that was reasonable. The other days, they can be at our house with me, even though he's at work and they will need rides, etc. Their mom no longer lives in our hometown, but they love it here. They went to school here; their grandmothers live here; their aunts and cousins and tons of friends who come home for xmas, too, are all here.
They are all professional students, earning masters' degrees or they are unemployed non profit workers, or musicians--that's why they can take these very long trips and maximize.
They have been hot and cold to me these last 10 years, and I'm just feeling too frayed at the end of the year to be Carol Brady 24/7.
They are that age and staying
They are that age and staying with you that long is insane! I am in my twenties and have no desire to stay at my parents for that length of time. Don't they have their own lives geesh! My boyfriend and I will stay at my parents for 1 night only because we live so far away from family. Do not feel bad for telling them you need some time without them there. They are old enough they should understand and if they don't then tough crap they will get over it!
Why the heck do you have to
Why the heck do you have to entertain them? I'm with your husband that it should be fine for them to visit as scheduled. But you do not have to wait on them. I'd ask each of them to cover making dinner one night of their stay and make sure they know where the laundry room and vacuum are. They have cousins/aunts/etc that they can get rides from to go where they need to go. You can sit back and read a good book or whatever other alone thing you want to do. I'd ask each grandma to host them for a dinner so that your house is empty for a couple of evenings if silence is what you desire.
That all sounds good in
That all sounds good in theory about getting other family members to taxi them around but you know that would never happen and it is not fine for skids to come and spend so much time at the house unless A) they respect the shit out of their SM and treat her like gold which they have not done
they get their own rental car - people do it all the time all over america and all the other countries on the face of the earth and finally C) if SM wants them there - it is her home she teaches school and would like HER HOME FOR HERSELF FOR 3 freaking DAYS AND DH CAN'T EVEN DO THAT - I call complete and total bullshit - OP tell your DH that you want and need and better get those threes days - his lovely children can go and stay with relatives for those days and besides you know they only want to crash and shower and be fed at your home because it is the nicest they are not there to see you or even DH - I know I was a college student once - I went home but went out saw my friends and everyone else - but I also did not stay at my parent's house the entire time because I knew they needed a break as well and I for sure would never have expected them to taxi me around - I rented a car!!!
Heck, I gave my stepdad all
Heck, I gave my stepdad all kinds of grief growing up. Yet he never made me feel that I couldn't come home on my breaks from college. I just can't imagine it.
Well maybe you were
Well maybe you were respectful to him and maybe you taxied yourself around or him being the man he was not responsible for the cleaning and cooking - OP does not have to explain why she does not want the skids for the whole time - all she should have to say is I want 3 days to myself and that wish should be granted. I am sure if these skids were respectful and courteous and took care of themselves and expected to get themselves around town then the OP would not have a problem with them - and it sounds like they are older than just 18 or 19 and should be expected to get a life, grow up and become adults -
Yes I just went back to the original post and just as I thought the skids need to grow up - they are in their late 20's early 30's when do they grow up and be with their friends and start their own families!!! These "so called adults" need to start their own traditions or at least help out OP more!!
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I am a high school teacher and I have two precious weeks of vacation that will be consumed with entertaining. And it's not just that I will be cooking, cleaning, and driving these late 20's, early 30's stepchildren, it's that I need time alone. I asked my husband if I could write the "kids" and ask for a few days of solo time. I was going to suggest five-day visits from each (two will be visiting at one time) until I go back to school at which time, I will too exhausted to protest the additional work.
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