We told 16yo SS to leave last night...
Hi all. It's been a while since I have been here as I took some time out as I was getting a little obsessed! I hope everyone is well.
Short back story, 16yo stepson has been with hubby and I for past 8 years, hadn't seen his mother for 6 years after she told him she didn't want contact with him. They recently re-connected on Facebook and he got back two days ago after spending three weeks with her over Christmas. Apparently he had four major meltdowns up there, the first fours hours after he arrived (they live in a different state).
We have always had difficulties with SS and they have only progressively got worse over the past 12 months. He is aggressive and has an explosive temper, often ending in his screaming uncontrollably. We have had him to psychologists and mental health intervention to no avail.
Last night after being back two days from visiting mother, he let lose on my and mother who lives with us. It ended in my telling him to get to his room, him packing his bags and saying he was leaving. His father got home from work and SS proceeded to launch into a tiraid accusing him of all sorts of things. Turns out his mother filled his head with nothing but lies about us, and now SS is all self righteous and thinks he can run his own show. We have decided to let him know if that's the case he can go and get himself benefits and seek accommodation through youth services and go at it on his own.
This has caused out family such grief and despair, we have endured 7 years of absolute hell and that stupid ex of my husbands has created a monster. Hubby feels pretty bad as SS is totally unequipted to look after himself but we have no choice.
Anyone in same position?
"Apparently he had four major
"Apparently he had four major meltdowns up there, the first fours hours after he arrived (they live in a different state)." I can't blame him there. She abandoned him.
He more than likely inherited some of her issues. I think you should've called the authorities. If he goes to juvie or prison, he can get mental help there. Hopefully he'll check out youth services, but I don't know how much he knows about them.
I didn't call police as he
I didn't call police as he didn't actually threaten or hurt me, and here in Australia they are not always great with kids in terms of doing anything. He is currently seeing a psychologist at a youth mental health service here, they can do referrals for him. Just waiting on her to call me back.
That he's seeing someone,
That he's seeing someone, then, is a good start. Hopefully that can help him.
He has been engaged with them
He has been engaged with them for about six months, but on/off in counselling for years. Doctor says definitely has depression and anxiety, perhaps aspergers, but no formal diagnosis, and anger problem. None of which he thinks he has not is interested in addressing (with the exception of a superficial acknowledgement of the anger)
He has been engaged with them
He has been engaged with them for about six months, but on/off in counselling for years. Doctor says definitely has depression and anxiety, perhaps aspergers, but no formal diagnosis, and anger problem. None of which he thinks he has not is interested in addressing (with the exception of a superficial acknowledgement of the anger)
And you're right about him
And you're right about him probably inheriting her issues, dead certain she has bipolar and although warranted him going off at her (she has been a utter dirtbag) she has obviously tried to make herself look good and us like shite, some of the stuff he was spouting that she told him was astounding. We knew this would happen but at 16, what power did we have to stop him? Either way now we are the assholes.
Wow that's an awful story! I
Wow that's an awful story! I myself work in adult corrections in NSW so am familiar with the lack of suitable services in the community for young people to get the mental health help or from DOCS.
SS has been talking to his older sister who has put it in his head he can be declared independent by Centrelink and run his own show on a youth benefit. At this point we don't care anymore, we have a 4 yo we have to protect, and my sanity can no longer handle it, I fear if he stays, as he gets older it will only get worse (as it has) and have real fears about him physically assaulting me.
Wow that's an awful story! I
Wow that's an awful story! I myself work in adult corrections in NSW so am familiar with the lack of suitable services in the community for young people to get the mental health help or from DOCS.
SS has been talking to his older sister who has put it in his head he can be declared independent by Centrelink and run his own show on a youth benefit. At this point we don't care anymore, we have a 4 yo we have to protect, and my sanity can no longer handle it, I fear if he stays, as he gets older it will only get worse (as it has) and have real fears about him physically assaulting me.
Agreed we need something like
Agreed we need something like those military camps. SS is just so self-entitled, thinks the whole world revolves around him and doesn't give a shit about who he treads on in the process. I am just over it, and to have him come back and speak the way he did to us, and carry on like he did was the last straw. I don't honestly care at this point what he says to Centrelink, I will do whatever it takes to get him out.
If your in Melbourne,
If your in Melbourne, Pathways does and excellent job and all the family is involved which is important. If his depression is severe and he is at risk, they will keep him in.
Thanks, I am actually south
Thanks, I am actually south of Sydney. We have some good services down here, so hopefully he will get the help he needs, but it won't be from us anymore
So just an update on my
So just an update on my situation if anyone was interested, so since SS16 left the has been staying a a friends. DH spoke with the mother last Thursday and turns out SS16 spun this whole story, telling her we kicked him out and god knows what else, never mentioning any of his part. DH set her straight on that. So she implies she is going to let him live there, and was taking him to Centrelink (our welfare office - kinda like Social Security I guess?)the following day. We hear nothing since and hubby messages her today to let her know we are sending his things there by courier next week, she tells him he is going back to Centrelink tomorrow to finalise his payment! So we have had zero calls from Centrelink to confirm the situation so I can only imagine what BS he has fed them too.
So cleaning out his room to send his stuff, I find all sorts of bits and pieces - a hue stack of lighters and scissors hidden away with the distinct smell of cannabis, thing of mine that went missing (a bracelet, small iPod) that he claimed he never knew where they were - so goodness only knows what he cleared out of there before he left!
Have to say though, I have never slept better in my life. we are happy and stress free with him gone, have closed our CS case (BM was a payer but avoided like the plague so nothing lost there)- it is certainly the best decision ever made.
The ex-wife and I "abandoned"
The ex-wife and I "abandoned" her eldest whom I had adopted. Totally out of control but not a danger to anyone - just did as he damn well pleased. Drop him off at school and he walks out the back door and off for the day. Lied constantly - I think even when the truth was a smarter option.
Finally off to a mental institution under insurance which was good for 30 days only. Evaluation recommended long-term help and notified us to pick him up. We told them we were not and of course they called the police who took him to child welfare who eventually threatened us with child abandonment. We said jail was preferred to taking him back and once they did their own evaluation nothing further was said.
He eventually ran away from a "group home" for similar troubled kids at about age 16 and was on his own from that point on. Last I heard this 40yo was using drugs and living in the Las Vegas area in and out of jail. Sad it is but there comes a point in which either the kid goes over the deep end or the kid AND you go over. I.e. you can't save the kid so you let him go.
This is not to say your step will end up as badly off - he has many opportunities ahead of him including the military and he may straighten up when he realizes that the rest of the world is not interested in his bullshit.
So yes you did what you had to do to save your sanity. Don't feel too guilty there was nothing you could do by yourself.
You poor things - it is so
You poor things - it is so horrible when these things happen!
We SS first said he was going, DH said well, you can go to your mother's, he said, even if there was room which there isn't, I wouldn't go anyway. He wants to run his own show and looks like he got his way, he is staying at a friends, has applied for his welfare payment, but the stupid mother of the friend rings my husband and demands SS's passport and school reports! When DH said no way, she hung up on him. I was so angry, he is now putting shite all over facebook, my family this, my brother that, referring to them. No idea, but I am over it am glad he is gone.
a real man would never let
a real man would never let another man raise his voice at his wife in his own house. A husbands first obligation is to his Wife and THEN to his children.
Well, my husband was not home
Well, my husband was not home at the time, and he never ever, under any circumstances, tolerated any poor behaviour towards me. That was one thing we were totally united on. Thing was, SS16 used to almost always turn it on when hubby was at work, I think he was pushing the stepmother boundaries.
I don't know the extent of
I don't know the extent of prior to the visit with mom that he was out of control. Basically you have been caring for him and where has mom been? I think dad needs to point that out and then tell him if he wishes to stay he has to see a counselor and stop the disrespect. If he wants to live with mom then he should do that. There are no sides here. He sounds like a very angry young man & you are but the person caught up in the issues that exist between his two parents. I personally would avoid at all costs getting into discussions with him unless dad is around. Dad needs to sit in a counseling room with his son & rules laid down if he wishes to stay.
As far as him leaving; maybe he will have to? IDK Hate to see that happen but if the choice is personal safety and he can't find a safe place to be then that isn't safe for you or anyone.
Good luck!!!
DH and BM split when SS was
DH and BM split when SS was 8. DH and I met about 4 months later. BM didn't want SS so DH and SS came down to our state where DH's family was. about 12 months later SS was so distraught he begged to go back with her, that lasted about 12 months until she decided she didn't want him anymore. He came back to live with us, and until Christmas just gone, hadn't seen her since that time, and hadn't spoken to her for the past 6 years - no birthday or Christmas presents either, from her or her family. She is a piece of shit basically and we think while he was up there at Christmas, she planted the seed for him to move out, but made sure he knew he couldn't go up there with her - we think motivation to get our pf paying CS which was in the vicinity of $700 a month.
He is well and truly gone now, sent me text messages yesterday saying he wants nothing to do with us basically and wants all of his stuff out of our house (I sent his clothes and personal items to the friends over the weekend).
He said some really awful things to hubby and basically the deal is done, but we don't want him back anyway so happy with the situation in all.