I use to know how to forgive
I use to know how to forgive, Now I feel like I'm a bad person because I cant seem to forgive my husbands kids for the way they have done me for the last 5 years. If I cant forgive them then why should I expect God to forgive me. For the things I have done wrong in my life. I feel so much anger towards my husbands step daughter and her husband and my husbands other daughter. I'm not around them anymore, I also don't talk to them. I think I could forgive them if they would tell there dad everything they have said and done to me and to be honest about it. They made me look bad by being dishonest to him about me. I will never set myself up again with them. My husband is always talking to me about them. I don't want to here it and I don't care I tried for 5 years with them I just don't have it in my heart anymore to try. If my husband would try to put himself in my shoes and feel the pain that they have put upon me in my heart and not look at it like hey those are his kids then he could see where I'm coming from. I feel like he try's to force them on me. Any advise on this I would aspirate very much.
^^^I recently learned this
^^^I recently learned this and its so true. Also disengage from them like you are but tell your DH that you are disengaged. Since they are adults you do not have to let them into your home or your world. Sure your DH can have a relationship with them but tell him it has to be out of the home. He may argue this but I suggest standing your ground.
I am not completely better but I am so far ahead now. It just one day clicked when a friend helped me out. A life long friend that I would least expect to become my friend. I am telling you, you need to take care of you. I felt the same about forgiveness and even cried about it to my Christian therapist and she even told me just because you forgive does not mean you have to let them back in your life. I also don't think you are at the forgiveness part because even I am not at it yet. I am more confident in knowing I don't have to see my SD anymore but not ready to fully forgive her. If I did forgive her, I certainly wouldn't let her know that. That would just be an invitation for her to come back and ruin mine and my girls lives again.
it's so hard! one you allow
it's so hard! one you allow yourself the grace and dignity of NOT forgiving the little bastards and bitches, it becomes so much easier to actually do it! There's nothing in the bible that says when your stepkids are assholes you have to turn the other cheek. We do it because we are good, and kind, human beings with compassion and morals and values... but God never intended the kinds of turmoil we go through as step parents. So, despise them for a little while until they don't matter anymore - and then it just becomes easy to forgive because ultimately, they just don't matter.
I would like to share a
I would like to share a passage from book I am reading 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough' by Karyl McBride, PhD. It is about narcissistic Mothers but seems to apply to a lot of narcissistic skids too:
"The word 'forgiveness' is laden with meaning and misunderstanding. Many Daugthers were taught at a very early age that nice girls forgive and forget. The clear message is that we are expected to forgive anyone who has hurt us because it is the right thing to do.
While I do believe in the rightness and importance of forgiveness and in the emotional benefits it can give you, I do see it in a differnt light. Forgiveness is positive and healing when we can see that the person's intentions were not to hurt us. But we do ourselves no good when we try to deny the pain we felt. And we can actually set ourselves up for further harm when we don't deal with the reality that we were hurt and that the person is likely to hurt us again - whether inadvertently or on purpose.
Many people misconstrue forgiveness as somehow condoning the original offending behavior, as if saying that it is all right. But I believe that accountablility is crucial for mental health. So I counsel you to pardon only someone who is accountable for her behavior, when she has owned up to it, has become conscious of it, and is truly sorry for having done it. ---
I do advise that you practice a kind of inner letting go, however - for you own good."
When you write about your SM
When you write about your SM I could swear you are writing about my mother. I normally do not read self-help books but finished this one in less than a day. You have also described your SD's BM, and you MIL in past posts, who seem to have a lot in common with your SM. What the author of the book points out is that some narcissistc traits can be passed down to daughters and granddaughters who learned that this is the way to relate to other people. Your SM uses her religion and the bible as a tool for her narcissstic self-righteousness. And you are right - they don't change.
My husband's SIL is a full blown narcissist. Most of his family avoid her but often refer to her as "Mrs. Bucket" from the British comedy 'Keepng up Appearances'. We have all seen how her favored daughter followed in her footsteps. Now the grandaughter is in love with a Marine who is "below her", and it is creating havoc.
Wow if I hadn't read your
Wow if I hadn't read your username Nora I would have thought I posted your post and forgot !!! Even the number of children is the same - I am brand new here and am so relieved to feel that I am not alone . I think I am still in shock over what happened over the holidays - forgiveness is far from my heart right now - it is too broken to even bear the thought of ever seeing them again .
They made my husband choose between me & them. I have done nothing to encourage this behavior - I have been kind , bit my tongue and even went out of my way to be supportive and loving - I am devastated and afraid for my marriage !! ?? My husband is pretty upset and thinks it will pass - I am afraid not as far as I'm concerned and how long can he go without talking to his kids without somehow resenting me ??
You have to go on with your
You have to go on with your life for you and what makes you happy and leave this stuff behind you. We can try to make other happy and have this blissful family but all we do is beat our heads against a brick wall trying. Once you learn to let go and accept things the way they are and find a life for yourself life will feel alot better.
"--- if his behavior bothers
"--- if his behavior bothers him, and he ever cares to apologize to me for it, I'm sure I would forgive him. But otherwise, I just don't need to be around him."
This is how I feel about SD.
People screw up all the
People screw up all the time.. Me included.. However, if you plot and plan to hurt me, ball game over. That is why dh's daughter's are dead to me. If dh dies before me, there will be a battle and honestly, I will kick their asses from here to Timbuktu as the saying goes..
Nobody and I do mean nobody, has ever plotted against me like his ex and daughters. I tend to be a pretty easy going person, and over the years, have even become friendly with my ex and his current girlfriend. My dh is on board and included.......an issue has arisen with one of our kids and all of us will meet this weekend to brainstorm. That has taken 10 years.. But forgive his daughters.......never....and I am very comfortable with that. I am a no bullshit person and would be more uncomfortable trying to like unlikable people..
o
o
at a certain point, you get
at a certain point, you get sick of forgiving. forgiveness sometimes gives the impression of being a pushover doormat.
Good morning, Thank you for
Good morning,
Thank you for all the response's. My husband and I got into it last night, he left to go back to his daughters that is 3 1/2 hours away. He told me it was my fault that he never gets to see his kids. I told him that's not true I have never stopped him from seeing them. The reason his youngest daughter isn't aloud here is because she cant seem to stop stealing. He was the one who told her she wasn't aloud here. The son he left to another state to try and get his life going again. They other daughter and her husband he sees them all the time when he goes there. He told me he hates my family. Funny thing is they are never around here or even come to visit and have never caused any problems in our marriage. My granddaughter who is 16 lives with us, he told me to bring her here so she would have a better life. She is never home because she is involved in school sports, so she is always busy. She doesn't cause us any problems either. My husband sent me an email telling me that we need to part ways. That he is not ready to have 2 familys. I feel sick because I love him. He hasn't seemed happy for a long time. I'm so scared. I cryed after reading his email. My heart hurts so much. I don't have anyone to talk to my mom and dad are both gone and my grandma. So I come on here. I wish I could wave a wond and make my husband Happy. Sorry if I'm messing up here I'm crying as I write this.
Skeeter, He don't
Skeeter,
He don't communicate, If I try talking to him and he doesn't want to here it he just says to shut the F**k up or he is going back to Calif. I love my husband Skeeter. I don't know what to do anymore. No I'm not perfect I know I try to hard at being a good wife to him. Think I need to get off here I feel so sick. Everyone have a great day and thank you again.
Thank you for everyone's
Thank you for everyone's advise. hugs to everyone