The man is still married. He snuck around with you for a year. He didn't have the balls to tell his wife he wanted a divorce. HmShe had to find out he was a cheater and a liar. He left his wife because she gave him a ultimatum.

No matter how you spin it, you were the other woman who played a role in breaking up a family. You don't get to do that then ride off and live happily ever after.

So you got the man, but you're alone on the holidays while he spends them with his family. Karma

You can spin this however you want, but this situation will not get better. You had are having an affair with a married man and nothing you say will make that okay...in the eyes of his children or frankly, in anybody else's, even your own if you're really honest with yourself.

If you are both really committed to each other and love each other, he needs to get a divorce so you can be together. End of story. You and he can say oh it's not that easy, she wants, he wants, blah, blah, blah. Are you really willing to spend one more year in limbo like this? I agree with the suggestion above of getting into therapy to figure out why you got yourself into this mess.

You can say whatever you want to about their marriage, but what you have done is wrong. It will come back to bite you. This 100% is not going to work out in your favor. I won't list the numerous reasons, because it's too obvious and not worth my time.

The wife sounds like she may be glad you took him off her hands.

Passivity destroys relationships, but karma is guaranteed to bite if you help in along in unscrupulous ways. I understand that their relationship wasn't good, but it does not excuse what he and you both did.

DH's relationship with his exGF was probably the worst example of passivity I had ever seen, although they did fight about it. Then he cheated with BM and voila, instant karma. BM turned out to be the crazy psycho bitch your mother warns you not to stick your dick in and that's how I became a step.

Your life is going to be hard, and chances are, unless the mother forgives you, the children will never do so. Personally, my father has cheated on my mother twice--she forgave him, and I understood it is an issue between them, and not my problem. In a perfect world, everyone will forgive everyone and get past it. But we aren't in a perfect world and unfortunately, your life is going to be really, really hard.

Do you know why passivity destroys relationships? Because when you don't put effort into the relationship you currently have, you have the time and energy to focus on other things--and often those other things are people who are not your spouse. Remember, falling into passivity is a HABIT, and you'll need to watch out that he does not do the same to you because it can happen.

"He was married when we meet and I was and was not the cause of his separation (he is now neither divorced or by law "separated" although we have essentially lived together for the past 2 years and he and his legal wife are only in communication over practical matters concerning the children)"

Yeah right. He doesn't have the balls to get a divorce.

So many SMs are hated for nothing. You've given your sks a very good reason to hate you. I commend the teen for not meeting you so as to avoid being rude to you.

"I would like for them to respect that what i have with their father is serious."

Ha! They would have liked for you to respect that what he had with their mother was serious. There may have been issues in their marriage but they were still married. If he wanted out so bad, he should've gotten a divorce.

It is said that people reap what they sow. Many marriages that began as extramarital affairs will end because of cheating. Just wanted to forewarn you.

1) Do not marry someone with children. Sorry.
2) If #1 is ignored, do not marry someone whose children are currently teenagers.
3) If #1 and #2 are ignored, do not marry someone who is...oh wait, you can't marry him because he is MARRIED.

Seriously. No one stays married that doesn't want to stay married.

Once a close friend was just flabbergasted by a guy he knew giving up everything. Literally, everything. He walked away from the house, the cars, the whatever just to be free of her.

If your boyfriend wanted a divorce (after 3 years!!!!) he would not be married to his wife anymore.

1) Don't convince yourself that everything will be fine because people know you're currently together so no one will care that you were first involved in an affair (run-on sentence intentional)
2) Don't convince yourself that your meeting the younger kids (TWICE!) and them "liking you" means anything.
3) Don't convince yourself that the adult kids can't wreak havoc on your life.
4) You think you're okay with just being "dad's girlfriend" until the disrespect starts.

Just. Stop. Get out and move on.

I'm not saying that it's necessarily bad or that they have anything terribly wrong with them, but women and men who get involved with people who are already attached have some issues they themselves need to work through first and those issues are often deep seated and destructive. I don't judge because I know that their issues have made them and continues to lead them into unhappiness.

Please understand that people have such a reaction to you getting involved with someone who was married because cheating is the WORST form of betrayal. You put your health, your feelings, your life, and your future into this person and they turn around and throw it back into your face. That is an entire lifetime you cannot get back. Have you ever been cheated on, or even suspected it? If you haven't, then you can't understand the gut wrenching feeling of suspecting but not finding out because then EVERYTHING, from your self worth to your dreams get shattered, tossed away like garbage. It destroys people in more fundamental ways than you can imagine.

This reminds me of Mad Men. How that guy who is also much older, continuously cheats on his wife with the young redhead (who I love in real life--Christina Hendricks is AMAZING) but when he gets that heart attack, the one who he thinks of and seeks comfort in is his wife. You can't erase 30 years of memories, of building a life together, he tells her all the things she wants to hear, takes him with her to exotic places, but when the shit hits the fan and his life is in jeopardy, the one he thinks about is the one he built his life with. I felt very bad for her because in that one moment, she realized who really matters to him.

Anyway, you aren't the first to have been caught by him. You must never forget that you may not be the last.

WHAT HE DID TO HIS FIRST WIFE IS LIKELY HE WILL ALSO DO TO YOU. i KNOW YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THIS IS SPECIAL AND HE HAS FED YOU ALL THE WORDS TO BELIEVE SO BUT MY FIRST HUSBAND WAS A PLAYER TOO AND i CAN TELL YOU HE HAS DONE THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. hOW DOES HE GETS THE LADIES? bY MAKING THEM BELIEVE THEY ARE SPECIAL AND THE ONLY ONE.

yOU WOULD BE WISE TO MOVE ON AND FORGET THIS GUY.

GET.OUT.NOW!!!

This will only snowball into the seventh circle of Hell. Trust me I know.

Although I am highly against extramarital affairs (my mom has had numerous affairs that my dad chooses to overlook), I commend you for your straight-forwardness and honesty about your situation.

I know how you sometimes end up in a situation where you make decisions that get you to a place you never intended to be.

Whether or not you take any of the (good) advice given you, I just wanted to let you know that it was nice to see the post (and replies to others) from a person who is willing to own their own mistakes instead of getting defensive about it.

The only words of wisdom I can give is: you are the only one living in your situation. Being a step-mother is extremely hard - even in the best of circumstances. In your case, it will be a huge undertaking. Also, the wife wanting to be "provided for" is NOT a good enough excuse to not have a divorce (or at LEAST a legal separation). I would think most judges would grant a healthy alimony to someone married for 20 years who had little part in the break up of the union.

You are being snowed by this man. If he really cared for you, he would never allow you to be in this predicament. If you really care for him, you need to let him go and move on because he is very broken and confused at the moment. (Probably just flat out selfish)You don't need broken and confused. Or selfish.

Let go. Get out. It may hurt for a while, but when you wake up and come to your senses you will be able to say that at least you did the right thing in letting go and if you continue to do the right thing you will meet a decent man without all the baggage and possibly have a happy life instead of the hell you will go through if you pursue your current path.

Marrying a man with children is difficult enough without being the person who broke up the marriage. You will have our problems X100 if you go there.

You're young enough to find something better. Dump this loser, move on and fix yourself so you never go there again.

This is not love.

Love does not do this.

You appear to be in very deep denial about your relationship and rationalizing everything to keep your hope alive. Disneyfan, Pilgrim Soul, whatamess, anon2009 and especially Ladyface have summed it all up beautifully. He has what he wants. You in another city for temporary relief. His family when he wants it. He won't divorce her and she won't divorce him. He still has 3 minor children at home. You need to let go and allow yourself to find a man who will commit to you and does not have all this baggage. There are tons of good guys out there. You are young enough to do that now. I am sorry you have allowed yourself to be in this mess. You got yourself in only you can get yourself out. I hope you really think about this whole thing and read your own post as if someone else had written it. Good luck

He cheated on her, he'll cheat on you. A leopard doesn't change his spots. Alternate outcome: you're changing his diapers when you're 50, with his kids chomping at your heels for his money. If you think he's only had 2 affairs, you've fallen off the turnip truck, Dear, and need to catch up to it.

There's always a chance that things could work out. That the kids start to come around and change their mind about you.

But the deck is SOOOOOOO stacked against you.

1. You're 30 - he's 50. Granted, this in itself is not a reason for a relationship not to work, but when you combine it with the other issues, it's just one more thing causing problems.

2. He's still married to the mother of his children. He has not filed for divorce in three years.

3. By your own admission he's cheated on his wife, not once, but several times. You said in your OP - "With the exception of a few one night stands in his early twenties he has been "loyal" to her up until very recently." So not only has he cheated on his wife technically with you, he had an affair before you, and had a FEW one night stands in his twenties.

4. He has five children, whom as you say "have 100 percent say" and the parents are "best friends" with their children that yield zero authority. Even if none of the other issues existed, this alone could cause the relationship to fail all by itself. Read on here and see how stepmoms are dealing with dads that let their kids walk all over them. See how it affects their relationship.

You are gambling, and the deck is stacked against you. You are hoping that despite the odds things will work out. You think that since the stepkids have started to warm up to you that things will get better. But they could also get worse. One day the stepkids could do a 180 and start hating you again. Do you really want to play these odds? Do you really want to bring a child into a situation like this?

I notice you say your BF has a "high profile" job and a couple of his children are living abroad. It sounds like he has a pretty well paying job. Could it be his money is blinding you to these issues just a little bit?

Darkdays, i see you have gotten a lot of good suggestions, most of the same variety - run for your life! We all have our own takes on the reasons why, and that's fine. You have every right to pay selective attention to what you are told. But i would still encourage you to try to sit down with a therapist or an experienced friend and write out what you want your life to look like and then to critically look at whether your SO can be a part of that life.

Do you want to have kids of your own? Will you be happy having them with a guy who has done that "baby" thing 5 times already? Add to that, you do not seem to share his approach to child-rearing ( as in "5 children is a clan, 4 daughters when you are a younger woman with an older man is ****a recipe for disaster**** !!! The parenting style they chose to adopt is that they are "best friends" with their children. as a result they are incredibly close but yield zero authority. their children have 100 percent say and its really such a wonder we have come so far at all...").

I can tell you that his parenting style is another recipe for disaster in a situation like yours - for your own personal disaster, because if the kids begin to show you disrespect, as believe me, they are likely to, as things typically get worse once dad declares he is getting re-married, having zero authority will not be helpful AT ALL. You will be a tortured soul in step-hell and a frequent contributor to this website - which is something *I* personally welcome! Join the club! But do you really want to?

It might all boil down to, does love conquer all? No, nein, non, negative to the nth degree.

Of course you love him, and i understand very well that he towers above all other men you have met so far. That's great! Take that as a sure sign that you can attract a gem of a guy, give yourself a big pat on the back, and release him. Set him free - and set yourself free from the step-family drama, the lonely Xmases and dark days and nights. Take great pride in having had him and having dealt with a very tough situation fairly and squarely. Certainly a period of personal growth for you. Now make it a priority to find someone who will make you a priority. You can do it. There are 7 billion people on this planet. You are young, strong, accomplished, and child-free.

You want to be Maria to this Von Trapp family? Don't get Von Trapped!!!

Dear Darkdays,
I am not going to condemn or judge you. You obviously formed a deep friendship with this man long before you entered a physical relationship fully believing his marriage was a facade. When we believe we meet the man of our dreams – our soul-mate – it is a powerful force that in reality (VERY) few could resist.
But I feel that that you have invested much more of yourself in him than he ever could in you.
A large proportion of his heart, soul and life experience is already enmeshed with his wife and children, and always will be.
Try to step outside of your emotions for a moment and look at the cold, hard facts.
Even if he genuinely feels he loves you, he can never give his heart completely to you.
You are a young woman yearning for a life partner and children with him. He is not in your era.
He is likely not committed to starting again with new offspring. The current arrangement suits him. You give him free rein to see his children – and spend important holidays etc with them – which is quite reasonable given he is their dad. He continues to support his wife in ‘the manner to which she is accustomed’. But where does that leave you?
In your pigeon hole. He’s comfortable with that.
You say that friends and acquaintances accept you as a couple. What else can they do? They’re not likely to voice their private mutterings to you. Do you not think they are wondering why he hasn’t proceeded with a divorce or why you are left alone at Christmas?
So his wife has communicated you have almost ‘done her a favour’ – she has blossomed.
She is hardly going to admit to you the hurt, humiliation and rejection she must have felt. She bore this man five children.
I accept that when she gave him the ultimation, he chose you, which does go some way to the value he places on you. If he was a complete ahole, he would have stayed where he was. But despite his feelings for you, his baggage will never allow him to give you what you want.
All this without the crux of the matter which is the ‘step children’.
So far they know that their dad has a girlfriend. He is still married to their mother and in some degree, maybe even subconsciously, they will still see their parents as connected and maybe even end up back together.
As another poster put it, if marriage to you was ever on the cards things would change dramatically.
This whole website is about the deep-rooted and often unsurmountable problems encountered with steps. This is a whole can of worms you have barely scratched the surface of.
The resentment you will encounter will make your life a living hell.
One eternal SD triangle nearly drove me mental, let alone five.

The fact that you came here in misery looking for answers tells me that you are already having profound doubts about your future is very telling. You appear to be an intelligent and compassionate woman who believes she has found ‘the one’. If you try to hold on to this one you are headed for 10, 20, 30 years of trauma and misery. There is no doubt.
You called yourself ‘Darkdays’. You aint see nothin’ yet.
If you have the strength to let him go now, you will hurt and wonder if it ‘could have worked out’.
It couldn’t have. Take it from the battle-scarred members on here. Please take your life back before it’s too late.

Why would this man need to make any moves to do anything ? He has the best of both worlds, of course he tells you all these things about his wife, all men do it when they are having an affair. You are his therapist, his hole, his "lover" and he gets to keep the wife and not pay support or do anything. You haven't placed any demands on him therefore he does nothing to change the situation.

Like others said it doesn't matter which way you spin it, you had an affair with a married man. He's not divorcing his wife for a reason, you have been involved with him for how many years and its still the same, you spend your holidays alone while they all come together as a family. They are not done with each other, it may be hesitation to file for divorce because once the divorce is finalized that means it done, and often times people are scared of change and closure.

This will not get any better, these kids will not "respect your relationship with their father" cause there is no relationship cause he knows and they know. He hasn't told them anything to make them believe that he's in a serious relationship. When a man wants to move forward with a relationship with the other woman he will make moves for that to happen.

Move on, "this too shall pass" it will hurt for now but any emotions you feel are temporary, you will find someone else and look back on this whole situation and thank god you did.

I know this one well. I met my husband while he and his wife were still married. She had reconnected with an old love in her past, so she encouraged her husband to date as well. When I first met my husband and he told me this, I said, "if you are both dating /being told to date other people just get a divorce.... " Then I was told that there were children, and it was complicated... So, beyond that initial chat we did not date. We kept in touch though. He would forward e-mails written to him by his then wife, organizing plans for her weekend with her boyfriend, containing the "go out an date like I am admonishments." Then there were the letters where she would remark that "it is time to divorce." He wanted so much to prove to me that he was not being deceitful, and that a future was possible. The situation still concerned me, so I held off. Fast forward, a year and a half, and we meet for lunch.... Two months later, he tells me "I am asking for a divorce." He did ask for a divorce, and suddenly happy sunny, "go get a girlfriend so you can be as happy as I am with my boyfriend and we should divorce" became "you cheater." He bought the guilt, and the kids bought the story of his guilt. One child did come to see the truth, but the other still hangs on to the story that the mother tells. It has clouded so much...

My point being is you only need one vindictive person to make things pretty horrible, and you have multitudes. There is still so much tarring of me as the "home wrecker" and my husband as the "home deserter." I don't buy into the nonsense but my spouse sure does.This means the kids get an even longer rope than the average child of divorce is given. They were not raised with much structure or rules to begin with, and now there is precious little. If they are upset, I just need to "understand," regardless of how unreasonable the upset child may be. Needless to say, when they are not around, life is much calmer. Out of sight is still not out of guilt range though. Just last week, he burst into tears because he took my child shopping while I was sick, and said he felt like he was "cheating" on his children by being kind and loving to my child. This is how twisted it can get. I have watched the confident man who believed in the correctness of his actions be reduced to a guilt ridden mess. We have much joy, but much time is also given over to these crazy times as well.

This craziness all happened AFTER divorce was requested. My point being what you have now is probably the better, more rosy time. I was so optimistic. The guy wasn't being a sneak, and the ex to-be was happy in her own relationship, so the kids will be told the full truth.... All wishful thinking... My worry for you is that what you have seen thus far is the prelude to the true misery. If you love the man, and feel it is worthwhile stay, but otherwise think long and hard.

I love my husband, and it hurts to be portrayed dishonestly, but our good does outweigh our bad most days. The bad days though are hell. You are often left feeling like an afterthought or a discardable being in your own life. Please consider very, very carefully if this is really the right life for you. Good luck, and much happiness either way.

Darkdays......I am not here to condemn you or judge you. Only to give you some thoughtful advice. Beware.. You are not even married to this man....if you were to marry him, I think it would only enrage these women more. Let me tell you about my situation. Dh was the guy whom the ex cheated on multiple multiple times, yet guess what?? The daughters all sided with their mother. I came on the scene and upset the apple cart because these chicks owned him, like a piece of meat. They refused to attend our wedding and dh got served with a court motion on our wedding day. You read that right. And all dh did was have the nerve to get married. I won't bore you with the years since our marriage other than to say the meanness continues.....a better word is sadism, because their behavior is so very cruel..
I can't speak about your relationship with their father, but I can warn you that I think these women will be enraged for years to come. How will you and your relationship weather the storm?