Step-son and Baby Momma
I really need advice on what to do about my step-son and his mother.
I met my husband 3 yrs ago while he was stationed and I was teaching overseas. We hit it off really great from the beginning. Both of us were carefree and on our own. Then, my contract was finished and he was getting stationed in the states. So, we decided to start out lives together after we both came home. Sounds like happily ever after...
I knew from first meeting my husband that he had a son, and the relationship with his son's mom was strictly based on their child. So, at first I was cool with the whole situation. Then, after my husband comes home his son's mom starts getting mad at him b/c he isn't continuing to talk to her as much anymore. (Keep in my mind, his son's mom was pregnant by another man, who is now her husband). So, this relationship that I thought was strictly based on their son, started seeming more like it was based on her and what she wanted. Which was to control/ manipulate my husband and using their son as leverage to get what she wanted, which was basically all my husband's undivided attention.
We got in many many arguments after we came home, b/c I simply didn't understand why he was bowing down to his son's mom's every need and want. He thought if he didn't do what she said then he wouldn't get to see his son. I am raised in a blended family and I know several people who also have blended families. And none of them acted this way towards their ex's. Keep in mind, my husband and his son's mom were only 18 and 19 when they had their son, and they were never married.
She has never once tried to be friendly towards me, but she used to get mad at my husband b/c she didn't understand why I didn't want to be her friend. My husband started telling both of us, if we had a problem with each other then we needed to talk about it, and stop going through him.
Continuing on, 2 yrs go by we get married, I end up pregnant, and my husband gets deployed. While I am pregnant and my husband is deployed, she has the nerve to text me and tell me the only reason she didn't like me was b/c she knew I didn't like her(real mature, I know) and also, my husband wants to be her friend, but can't now b/c of me...then the last part of the text message said, maybe once I was a mom I would understand. I never responded back to her text message and several hours later I received a fwd text from her...the text message was obviously written by someone else, and it said she was sorry, and that she let her temper get the best of her.
The whole time I've been with my husband his son's mom likes to throw low blows at me or my husband just to try and get a rise out of us. We always ignore her and don't respond, but then it sometimes ends up causing an argument between my husband and I, b/c I don't understand why he won't stick up for me.
My husband no longer communicates with her, rather he goes through her now husband if there is anything we need to know or they need to know. My husband does this, b/c he doesn't like having to deal with her and all her drama. However, I recently read an email she had sent my husband saying she didn't understand why I didn't want him talking to her anymore. When it had nothing to do with me.
We live 4 hrs apart from each other and we used to see my stepson every other weekend and share holidays. After, my husband came back from deployment she changed the custody to just 2 months in the summer and share holidays. My stepson is now 9 and when he is with us he constantly calls his mom wanting to go home. I feel bad, b/c he isn't used to being around us anymore b/c of the new custody. I feel like she knew what she was doing when she changed it. As long as he is with her the majority of the time, she will never have to worry about him wanting to come live with us. My husband is now out of the army and we both have very good jobs with the means to give him a better lifestyle. But, if every time he sees us he just wants to go home, it makes it harder on us to be able to do nice things for him.
People have always told me she is just jealous of me, and to not worry about it. My husband and I have a really great relationship, and a beautiful son of our own. We hardly ever argue, except when it comes to this situation. We both have thrown our hands in the air, simply b/c we don't know how to handle the situation.
The reason I joined this blog tonight is b/c I thought we had a great Christmas. Then, I found out my step-son had been texting with his mom wanting to go home. Which I can understand wanting to be with his mom on Christmas. My husband and I and are family did everything we could to make my stepson have a special Christmas. However, now I feel like the bad guy b/c he can't be with his mom. I want to be able to have a close relationship with my step-son, but I'm afraid he will never let me close in fear his mom will feel betrayed.
How did she change visitation
How did she change visitation without husband's input?
Since the current schedule isn't working, dad should go to court for more time.
She went to her lawyer and
She went to her lawyer and had everything drawn up and sent over to us. She convinced my husband it was the best thing for their son, so he agreed to it. Now, we aren't so sure
She went to her lawyer and
She went to her lawyer and had everything drawn up and sent over to us. She convinced my husband it was the best thing for their son, so he agreed to it. Now, we aren't so sure
Thank-you for your response.
Thank-you for your response. It is refreshing to hear other unbiased opinions on my situation.
I agree, it's not a parents
I agree, it's not a parents job to keep a child happy 24/7. Certainly not your job. In regards to visitation. If it's not working out to be in the best interests of the child. Change it. Your husband has rights too, it's just up to him to enforce them.
I never thought about the
I never thought about the fact she may be manipulating her son as well, but that definitely makes sense. I love the Einstein quote! Definitely suits my situation.
Piece of advice? Take the
Piece of advice?
Take the cell phone away. Mom is distracting him and enroaching on dads time. I am not saying dont let the kid talk to his mother... I am saying do not allow him unlimited access to his mother while at your house.
I agree with taking the cell
I agree with taking the cell phone away. 9 is pretty young to have a cell phone anyway, in my opinion. I think it's really inappropriate for him to be sitting there texting his mom the entire time he's visiting with dad when dad's time is already so limited. You can of course let him call his mom later on- just not during your family time.
As far as the rest, I feel you on so much of this! My DH and BM were early 20s when they had SD- they were never married & she was not planned (at least not by DH lol). She is very childish and is constantly trying to insert herself into our lives. I say the least amount of contact you can have with BM, the better.
It's jealousy that makes these BMs act this way. In my case, BM is furious that DH married me and I didn't even have to get knocked up to get it to happen. I thought after a year or so her anger and jealousy would die down, but nope. Looks like I get to deal with it forever. Lucky me. It's been over 4 years and has not stopped one bit.
I would just try to minimize contact with her as much as possible (this goes for you and your DH) and try not to worry too much about her and SS- it is not your responsiility to keep either one of them happy. Just worry about yourself and your family. Good luck!
I agree that mom is probably
I agree that mom is probably keeping a hold of her son through the texts and things she is saying. They may have boundaries that need to be worked on.
But I want to address the visitation schedule and the changes. Assuming that the mom deliberately made the change to sabotage his relationship with his dad or prevent the kid from wanting to live with dad is a mistake. I think when you make assumptions or try to find a devious reason for someone doing something, it only makes the situation worse. So you are blaming the schedule change for the problems, when it is possibly ONLY because the mom is clinging to her child.
When I was married, we tried numerous visitation schedules to make life less chaotic for my SD. It started as a normal EOWE schedule. Even though she only lived 30-45 mins away (depending on traffic) we then switched to a schedule similar to what you describe. This was to lessen the transitions for HER because she wasn't handling the back and forth well. Then we moved 1000 miles away, and she came to stay for the summer, and ended up not going back. All of this was without the court being involved whatsoever. As a matter of fact, her parents divorced when she was 3, and they NEVER went back to court for anything.
There are numerous ways of keeping in touch with a child without him having travel 4 hours. The funny thing is, it takes less effort to send mail, email, skype, etc. than traveling for hours to pick up a child, but hardly anyone ever does it. Makes no sense. Your husband needs to make more of an effort daily to stay connected with his child, so that when he IS there, it is not uncomfortable. He can skype with him before bed. And it definitely is NOT your job to make the kid happy. I think he should feel comfortable and welcomed, but that comes from the bond with Dad, not anything anyone can do when he gets there.
You are absolutely right on
You are absolutely right on me not needing to assume things.