To answer, my DH said he had never thought about switching the roles to my son instead of his daughter. When I read this to him, he sat and I could tell by the smile on his face that he was deep in thought. He shook his head and just said. "Wow; I would never tolerate this from one of the boys ( that's what he calls my sons-his step sons who he loves and they love him. They are teenagers BTW). Fantastic advice and thank you for providing such a great way to look at this. It's amazing to reach out to this online community and get such great help. Thank you so very much.

DH liked this perspective and found it very helpful. Thank you

This is exactly what I think too. She's been rewarded for bad behavior long enough.

Hi Pilgrim Soul
SD is now 30 years old. She has been in therapy on and off since she was a child. After her blow up with DH he asked her to please go to therapy with him so he can learn about what he did that hurt her and then he can try to make amends and apologize to her. She is supposed to go to therapy for herself weekly and take medication but she refuses to do so. She has borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. She is highly intelligent, beautiful (I mean REALLY pretty) and with meds and therapy could be successful and have a good life. She has a good personality and can be a lot of fun to be around when she is taking care of herself. When she's not in therapy and taking meds is when all of her good qualities seem to drift away which is sad because I know deep down inside she has so much potential.
This behavior of entitlement and manipulation has been going on for as long as I've known her. A couple of years ago is when she started getting really angry and started verbally attacking family members. Her behavior is escalating. DH is not the only one in the family that has been the recipient of a nasty phone call where she was screaming and carrying on. She did this to me years ago but my DH didn't believe me when I told him what happened. Now he knows I wasn't lying.
She is in desperate need of help but won't let any of us help her.

Hi tog. I wish it was a trick question. My DH and I know the answer though. He knows I'm on this site and even though he knows what he thinks he should do, he really wanted to hear what you all had to say. I've been sharing things with him from this site; he says that the participants on this site sound intelligent and helpful. The answers we've received already have been very helpful for him. He just needed a little support. I'm hoping he joins the site and starts posting for himself. Thank you!
Amber

Thank you for saying that. I read him what you wrote and it was helpful. You have a merry Xmas too. And yes , I am very lucky.

Good morning StepAside,
My DH and I just read your post. Thank you for taking the time to write out such a well thought out post. You ask great questions. My DH has a very good relationship with his 2 boys. He has tried for years to have the same relationship with his daughter. I was not around when the skids were little but I have been around for 8 years and I have seen DH and his kids together, interacting and enjoying each other's company. He treats his kids with respect and love;he is always available to them emotionally. They speak a few times a month as the boys are really busy with their careers. He knows SD is needy and her life is a chaotic mess so prior to her ousting him from her life, he would check in with her a couple days a week; he encourages her to hang in there, he listens to her and tries to make her feel better, he always tells her not to hesitate to call him if she just needs to talk. He has tried so hard to make her feel better about herself. He wants so much to be a part of her life and wants to help her succeed and be happy but unfortunately, it seems that this is a loosing battle yet he never gives up on her. He is extremely loyal to his kids, me, my kids and his entire family.

In regards to the skids childhoods, even though I wasn't there, I believe my DH when he tells me that he religiously picked the kids up every other weekend from Friday after work until Sunday night and he spent other various days during the week with them. If he had an extra day off, he would ask to have the kids and he would get them. This is an area where he and his ex got along. She was always happy to let him have extra days that were not in the custody order. This is awesome for the kids that their parents could work together re: visitation. He spent a lot of time with the skids.
At one point, BM moved an hour away with the kids and DH would offer to drive the kids both ways as he wanted to spend the extra 2 hours with them while driving. He spent his whole visitation time with the kids. He didn't dump the kids off with babysitters during his visitation time. He paid his child support regularly and would pay extra if the kids needed/wanted anything. I know money isn't everything and that loving a child is but it does show that he took his responsibility to his family seriously. He attended all sporting/school events. The skids were very active in sports and are also very athletically talented. He enjoyed taking them to tournaments and watching them play. Needless to say having three kids in sports is fun but it sure keeps parents busy. I know as 2 of my sons play football.

When I came into the picture, SD was 25. By this time, SD had gone away to college and flunked out of her first semester. She got into drugs (cocaine and weed) and started stripping at a club to support her lavish lifestyle. So one night, SD calls her dad crying hysterically, asking him to please come and get her out of this lifestyle/mess. He dropped everything, took a week off work and drove over 14 hours (one way) picked her up, brought her home and took care of her. He tried to get her to go to therapy and he managed to get her to go a couple of times. She stopped going but she told DH that she was. He eventually found out she lied as he was paying out of pocket for her sessions. DH helped her enroll in the local junior college (she repeatedly flunked out and has never completed a single class), he bought her a car so she could go to school and after living with DH for a short time, she eventually moved into her brothers house (didn't have to pay rent and lived with him for 2 years). SS gave her his room and his bed and he slept on the couch for 2 years so she could have privacy and comfort. The whole family came together and tried to help SD get on her feet.

DH gave her $500 a month in spending money; this was on top of paying for her car and all insurance that was needed, her credit cards, student loans, gas money, paid off traffic tickets, etc. He wanted to alleviate any stress that she might have so she could focus on going to school. He has told me that he did this in the hopes that she would pass a class and feel successful thus increasing her self esteem. He thought baby steps would be good for her. He would see her every weekend and as many days as he could during the week. He would take her out to lunch to any expensive restaurant that she wanted so they could talk, take her on hikes, play tennis with her, they even took ballroom dance classes together; he did anything just to be with her. He wanted to help her and stayed in close contact with her so that she would know that she was loved and valued. SD was his number one priority as he felt this was a crisis situation and she needed his undivided attention. DH had made his priorities clear; SD needed support and he was going to be there for her no matter what.
So, it was just a matter of time before she reverted to her old ways: drugs, stripping, lying about school, etc. my DH continued to try and help her, never turning his back on her for even a moment no matter how many lies she told or how poorly she would treat her family.

Recently, SD had a talk with SS. This is the son that had SD living with him for free for 2 years. My DH has 2 wonderful adult sons. SD trashed DH to her brother. She told SS about the ultimatum (that he is to divorce me if he wants a relationship with her) and told her brother that DH never took care of her, never tried to help her and that he was the worst father in the world. Well, this upset SS very deeply as he couldn't believe the accusations that she was making. SD was enraged that her brother didn't side with her and that he stuck up for their father. He tried to point out to her all the ways that their dad has helped them over the years (emotionally and financially) and that he didn't agree with nor appreciate her trashing their father; that none of it was true. She got so mad at her brother that she screamed at him, ranted and raved and slammed the phone in his face. She did the same thing to her brother that she did to DH. SS was so upset that he called DH and told him what happened. SS was always close to SD and has rescued her many times just as her parents had(emotionally and financially) so he was hurt when SD also accused him of never doing anything to help her. She also stated that BM and her other brother have never done anything to help her either. Now she's accused the whole family of never helping her. SD is just having a royal tantrum as nothing is enough to please her. She has gone through the entire family making similar accusations about everyone; DH is not the only one.
I think you're right, her heart is injured and she is suffering but it's not because her parents and family didn't try their best to help her. Its sad that she continues to lash out at the family and can't see how much everyone has done to help her.

I know this is long but you posed excellent questions and I would like to address them individually as they are thought provoking.

We invited her to the graduation because we didn't want to exclude her as we invited the whole family.
My DH asked his siblings what they thought would be most appropriate and they thought she should be invited even though she had started showing aggression towards us. He never treated his kids as afterthoughts nor was he more interested in his own happiness than being a father. Did he fail her? Well, he always wonders what he could've done better and has told me that he always felt that if he had done one more thing that perhaps it would've been the one more thing that would've made a difference in her life. I have only seen my husband cry maybe 3 times in the 8 years we have been together. One time he cried because he was so sad as he felt that he had failed his daughter. I don't know how he failed but he was blaming himself for how her life has turned out. He wished he knew what he could've done better and how sorry he is for her pain. Of course as parents we all make mistakes and wish we could've done things differently at times. Of course DH isn't perfect and I'm sure he made mistakes with his kids but I believe he did the best he could in a difficult situation.

After the break up of the marriage to BM, he didn't have a girlfriend for 15 years. He eventually had a 2 year relationship with a nice lady when the kids were in their late teens. They broke up because she wanted a baby and he said that having another child with another woman would feel like he was disloyal to his kids; he couldn't do it and broke up with her. He told me that he was happy being alone with his kids. He said he didn't need a woman in his life and that his family was all he cared about. In fact, in the 25 year span since the break up of the marriage, I am the second person he has been with. His kids and their happiness were the only thing that mattered to him. Even though he only had them EOW and a few days during I the week, he rented a large home so that everyone could have their own room. He loves the memory of building forts with the kids and how he bought a bunch of Nerf guns and they would have Nerf wars. He has done that with my kids and it is so much fun! He fondly remembers watching movies and hanging out with his kids; they were his life.

You are correct, we aren't privy to her feelings and I know he would love to talk to her. I know he misses her and he is hurt but he can't keep accepting this level of abuse. The last phone call when she called him screaming at him, he remained calm and tried to talk to her. He didn't tell her she was wrong for having the feelings she did. Instead he validated her feelings and told her that he understood what she was saying and could see how unhappy she was. He said he takes responsibility for whatever he had done to hurt her even though she never told him what he did. He asked her if she would be willing to go to therapy with him so she could discuss her feelings with him, point out what he has done to her as a child and as an adult and that they could work on their relationship. I heard all of this as I was in the next room. She said she didn't want to go to therapy with him and she proceeded to berate and yell at him.
To answer the question of if he has owned it, I would say that he has. He is very big on taking responsibility for ones actions and in this case he has no idea what he's done but he's willing to take responsibility for whatever it is.
He has been available to listen to how she thinks he has hurt her. He would love nothing more than to be able to talk to her. He would never tell her she's wrong or that he didn't do whatever it is that she's unhappy about. He wants a relationship with her, he wants to work this out but she won't let him. She's still calling family telling them about what a bad father he is. His family and his sons are behind him 100%.

Once again, thank you for your post. I know this is long but I think your questions were really good ones and I wanted to answer them and also give a larger picture of what has transpired. Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this. You all have a good day.
Amber

That's exactly right. She's not getting rewarded this time. She can't treat us this way and still expect her gift. She didn't call DH for his bday or for Father's Day thus indicating that she does not recognize him anymore. So fine then; we won't recognize her. It's been a long time coming but it's about time that she is held accountable for her bad behavior. Hopefully she won't call DH screaming and yelling that she didn't get a check when her brothers receive their checks. We shall see.

Good morning JacksGal,
Sorry it took me so long to respond to your post but I wanted to read it a few times and then respond when I had the time to write a thoughtful response. I really hope my post isn't too old/late and that you will see this.
Thank you for the post and for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you lost your mother at such a young age. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for you. I wanted you to know that I read your post to DH last night. In fact, we spent over an hour re-reading posts and responses to our question ( the original post). By doing this together, for some reason, engaging in this forum with my DH has proved to be very healing and validating for him. I have now seen him open his mind and it has improved our ability to communicate about SD immensely. We can now discuss SD without DH getting defensive or angry with me.
The respect that you have shown your father is a beautiful thing. I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that DH was hearing this and I was hoping that your post would make him realize that this is how a child is to treat their father/parent. I was hoping it would reinforce the reality that his daughter treats him like total garbage. I think your post helped solidify this concept for him. You respect your father the way I respect my father. I would assume that you and I were raised to work for what we want out of life and that no one is going to do it for us, that we must take responsibility for our actions and most of all we were taught to respect our parents. It was refreshing to read about how your father presented your SM into your life as he made it clear that she would be treated with respect. By doing what your father did, the boundary lines were drawn and they were clear. Even though you were in your late teens, you were still young and it really helps when our parents let us know what the rules are, what their expectations are and what the consequences are if we choose to make a bad decision. It felt good for me to read to DH what and how your father taught you that you would treat your SM with respect. My DH now sees that he should've done this with his own daughter.

You and I have very similar life experience. I also had a job and like you, made around $26,000 a year and my parents (like your father) didn't coddle me financially or emotionally. I also like you, married an abusive man (physically and emotionally) and proceeded to have 3 children with him. ( I know, what a genius I was). We were married for 7 years. When I finally got smart and woke up, I took my 3 young boys and I went to my moms house. I was expected to help out around the house with chores and was expected to help with the bills and pay rent. Of course my mom didn't have to tell me that. I would've offered because that is what adults do. Like you, I did not expect my mom to come in and save the day, I wanted to do it on my own because that's how people like you and I were raised; to take care of ourselves. It's a gift that our parents taught us how to be self sufficient. My mother helped us and would do anything to make sure we were safe and cared for but she would never have tolerated it if I was acting entitled, spoiled and rude like my SD. I was the one who made the mistake and I had to be the one to fix my life and get myself back on my feet. Just like your father did with you, my mother helped but she didn't fix the problem for me and I knew I was expected to work hard and save whatever I could in order to move out of her house and resume my life. Just like your father, my mother didn't enable me and your father didn't enable you. This is love; the type of love a parent gives their child. It sends a message that they demand respect and in turn we respect them as they never let us walk all over them.

I think it's wonderful that even after your fathers passing that you acknowledge your SM. You both share the fact that you miss your father and you guys don't need to be the best of friends but it's just nice for her to know that you haven't taken this opportunity to bash her, make her life hell, harass her about your fathers estate or any trust fund/money that has been left by him. You are a good daughter and step daughter. I know you miss your father very much but I can guarantee you that his spirit is with you and he is proud of you.

Exactly and I agree with you. Hopefully your fiancé will wake up the way my DH did and cut those brats off that you describe. You know, you've got me thinking; we should put in the will that the bitch gets 1¢ this way she can't say that we didn't leave her anything. Then add the following: if princess complains then she forfeits her 1¢ }:)
Even if she hadn't treated us poorly, DH and I discussed how leaving her a substantial amount of money would be a mistake as she is unable to make good decisions. I guess we don't have to worry about this anymore. I refuse to leave money to such a pathetic,horrible snot- bag bitch who has treated us so poorly. I can't wait to have this discussion with DH. I think I will wait until the new year to address this.
By the way, your fiancées children sound horrible too. I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this type of nonsense in your lives. Very sad.