How much should I participate in baby momma's family?
My boyfriend and I have been living together a couple of months. It's great. I get along with his two kids, they like me and like coming over on weekends when we have them. So no complaints about that at all.
The issue is that my boyfriend, his daughter's mother (BM) and her husband are all friends. Which is good I guess, but I really don't like my boyfriend's ex. Tha'ts a different story, but my reasons are justified. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but I really don't want to be her friend. She is also is pretty selfish. She's never on time, expects a lot of flexibility from us, and overall I feel pretty threatened by her - will she continue to tax our time when we start having our own children together?
They used to all do things together like vacations, holidays, weekend dinners. Now that I'm involved they do not do much together. My boyfriend want's to start hanging out with them as a family more because the six year old has started crying at pick-ups/drop-offs and he thinks this has something to do with his recent lack of 'family' participation. Again, I'm worried about our own family because I just don't want to be a part of his ex's.
I am my boyfriend's first relationship since BM broke it off and I know they aren't used to having someone else dictate my boyfriend's time. Because I don't like this woman I avoid gatherings with them unless it's mandatory for the kids. In which case I am as polite as possible and avoid personal conversations.
Am I being inflexible here? Should I be sucking it up more? I did pick him and his kids, I just didn't pick the kids mother. He wants to continue his friendship with his ex, which is fine, but how much should I have to particpate and are my feelings of resource compitition with this woman justified? Suggestions??
What you just described is my
What you just described is my personal idea of HELL.
Some blended families can handle this type of relationship.
That being said, there seems to be some boundary issues that should have been discussed with your BF before you moved in with him.
How long has been been divorced and how many group vacations, holidays and weekend dinners have there been?
I honestly have no real advice for you because I would have run screaming from the situation the minute I heard shared vacations, holidays and weekend dinners.
For me...there has to be a line. They got a divorce for a reason. It's great they're getting along but this may actually be more difficult on the kids.
Might I suggest that this
Might I suggest that this child must be fairly confused with this situation. My BM seems to want something like this and my SO is just sick of it. But that said he explained it really well the other day. The kids need time to emotionally separate themselves and realize mom and dad aren't together.
I couldn't do it. However,
I couldn't do it. However, I wouldn't waste my time trying to convince him this is wrong.
The current set up works for dad, mom, her SO and the child. Instead of destroying something that is working for everyone, I'd just walk away.
EEEWWWWW! Goddess that must
EEEWWWWW! Goddess that must be hell. Ex's are ex's for a reason. I would never ever be okay with playing happy family with someone i could not stand.
I would not even have gone on
I would not even have gone on one date with my DH had this crap been going on. Although BM's hostility and DH's indifference did not make an ideal environment for the raising of my SD, I don't believe letting the kids think everybody is still one big happy family is healthy, either.
Now, you will always be the evil woman who put an end to it. And really, your BF should have seen on his own that this was not going to be good for the kids (or anybody) in the long run, nor sustainable.
I am quite happy to say that in 17 years, I have been in the same room with BM but twice and probably never will be again.
My sister and her ex did things together for years after the divorce and I think it caused a lot of anger in my nephew when he finally realized they were never getting back together. And I also think it's the reason he is very indifferent (and sometimes mean) to my niece, who he probably sees as the final nail in that coffin.
I see red flags everywhere
I see red flags everywhere here.
I once dated a guy with a kid. His ex was remarried, and I was the first relationship since the divorce she initiated 3 years before. Prior to me, they all did things together. When I came along, she did a 180 and started acting like a monster to the guy I was dating. He couldn't figure it out, as everything had been fine the past 3 years. He and I dated for 2 years, and she was a constant issue. The second we broke up, she reverted back to her friendly self; and last I heard they all get along again. He had not dated anyone since...and it's been 3+ years.
The point I'm making is these women may be territorial over their baby daddy for no rational reason; even if they have moved on themselves. This is clearly a setup they are all happy with, and if I were you I wouldn't just assume you will one day just suddenly become comfortable with it. I would give serious consideration to continuing this, as I feel you may see a shift in his ex's behavior as your relationship professes.
In my current relationship, my DH doesn't care to be within the same city block as his kids mom. That's why he broke up with her in the first place.
Invite your own ex to come
Invite your own ex to come along with the four of you
sounds like there's some shwwinginggg going on- run! Oh, and before you have more kids, picture this: all of them sitting around the fire criticizing your new toddler...