Psychopath BM
I just feel so badly for my DH.
He hit a wall, came to an abrupt realization yesterday. He has had enough. Just enough.
Thirteen years of torture by a crazy person has taken its toll on him, his daughter and was starting on our marriage. He was constantly fighting with his parents and family about it, because EVERYONE else knows better, of course.
BM has given SD13 full fledged adult status and for years has used her as an emotional crutch. It is so pathetic and selfish. Therapy has stopped and started, police involved etc.. etc.. This kid is so messed up.
He thinks that to step back a little and stop fighting so much will make BM less of a bitch, and in turn will put less anxiety on SD13. It truly seems as if SD is suffering from something. She has incredible anxiety, and since her mommmmmyyyy is perfect, everything is Dh's fault. One day she calls crying that she misses him, then THE NEXT DAY it is completely reversed BM has put some nonsense in her head about me or him and she just RAGES about things. Things from years ago that she has fabricated in her head. Things that were apparently not resolved from years with a great doctor. (BM encourages hatred- always has)
Can anyone chime in? Don't bash my DH please. I have seen first hand what he has tried and gone through the last 5 years. He just wants to pay his CS and have EOWE.
Is stepping back a bit and letting her come to him a good idea? Or will she now scream abandonment? Even though he has tried and tried, and with ZERO support from BM, SD has come over 6x this yr. He calls her regularly and still will, but will stop the fighting about visitation.
I think my DH has stepped
I think my DH has stepped back a little bit. He has EOWE & 8 weeks in the summer, but gives 4 of those weeks to his parents that live 14 hours away.
I think the hard thing for him to admit is SD is BM's kid. She has the most influence over her. All DH does is provide money & a little time for SD to be away from the crazy. He has less influence over SD than a babysitter would.
It's not how he wants it, but that's how it is.
this is exactly what we
this is exactly what we discussed last night!
What a horrible situation to
What a horrible situation to be in! My heart goes out to you and your husband, but also to the SD13.
It is excruciatingly hard to be in her shoes. I hope you have it in your heart to forgive her. She is a
essentially a victim of emotional abuse, and she is coping any way she can - badly, but who can blame her? She has been taken hostage by a lunatic and used to promote the lunatic's agenda ( proving that her exH is the baddest dad out there).
I think EOW is fine, and fighting for more seems pointless. If your SD is not hostile to you, your house could be the safe haven where she is accepted and loved. If she is hostile due to all the crap BM put in her head, it will be harder to show her any real affection. In a few years, if your DH keeps a good relationship with her, she could determine herself how much time she wants to spend with the two of you. I also think maintaining a one-way relationship is the way to go sometimes. Your DH could email/write letters/send care packages/gifts, etc to the girl to show her that she is in his thoughts. May be his extended family could be the buffer and he could see her at her grandparents' house. She needs to know he cares about her. It looks like she is unraveling fast. Can therapy be re-started?
She is totally a victim...
She is totally a victim... Yes...
The problem is that BM is also refusing EOWE and now has SD thinking she doesn't want it either.
Scare tactic? "SD, do you know Daddy wants to take me to court? Do you know they will take you away from me and I will never see you again?" VERBATIM last month.
SD hates me because of bad mouthing by BM, police had to be called because of harassment, but BM has convinced SD it was all a lie. (my best friend is a detective) SD thinks I asked a 'cop friend' to scare her mommmmmyyyyyyy. BM knows I will have her arrested if she comes at me again and it spooked her.
Her defense was to put SD squarely in the middle.
same here. Whatever BM says-
same here. Whatever BM says- goes. He has been slowly stripped of any parental authority.
I suppose I have such anger towards both of them, (sd and BM) that i can't see straight.
Two years ago, we were on a group trip, bunch of adults and all of the kids in tow, in the Caribbean. BM said SD not allowed in the ocean.... Ummm what's that now? We told SD we were going to the beach and she said, "I can't go in the ocean because of how dangerous it is. There may be sharks and if I die, my mommmmmmyyyyy will die too. She told me she can't live without me, so I am not allowed in the ocean." I pointed out there were babies in the ocean, and it was completely calm. smh... just a nugget of how insane BM is. She absolutely believes that she is responsible for BM's happines. Solely responsible.
This is also the reason why she can't be out of sight at the mall, grocery store, etc..
The only way to deal with a
The only way to deal with a toxic PASing blended family oppostion is to confront them with truth and fact each and every time they step out of line. This is the only effective way I know of to protect children from a toxic parent and give the kids the tools they need to protect themselves from the toxic parent when we can not be with them.
In your case, BM qualifies. IMHO your DH needs to enforce his visitation rights whether that means a calm and easy handoff or knocking on BMs door with the court order and sheriff in tow. He needs BM free uninterupted time with his DD to establish a relationship with her, inform her of the facts of BMs toxic bullshit and to let DD know that he loves her and that he would never do anything to hurt DD.
A key part of this is giving DD clarity about her BM with fact, truth, court records, call logs, court recordings, telephone recordings, etc....
13 is old enough to know the truth, see the records, learn the facts and start arming herself against the toxic manipulations of her BM. We followed this method with SS-21 in an age appropriate manner for most of the duration of the Custody/Visitation/Support CO. As he got older, we gave him more facts and introduced him to more complex records. When his SpemIdiot or anyone else in the SpermClan lied or manipulated we countered with fact. Preferably officially documented facts like arrest records, divorce records, court orders, supplemental county rules, state regulations and when necessary voice recordings of the SpermIdiot and SPermGrandMa ranting at my DW or video of the SpermIdiot running from the Constable who was attempting to serve a notice of an upcoming CS review hearing.
EOWE is more than enough time to start the BM counter campaign and start giving this young lady the tools she needs to protect herself as much as possible from BM's toxic manipulations. Most importantly, her dad needs to demonstrate that he has her back, she can trust him completely and that you and her dad want her to be able to be a kid and not have to accept her BM's toxic bullshit.
All IMHO of course.
::Most importantly, her dad
::Most importantly, her dad needs to demonstrate that he has her back, she can trust him completely and that you and her dad want her to be able to be a kid and not have to accept her BM's toxic bullshit.::
Thank you!!
Most professionals would
Most professionals would strongly disagree with arming a 13yo child with documents/court records/state regulations, etc. It will confuse her and exacerbate her anxiety... she has to go back home to the only mother she has. Please read Richard Warshak or Amy Baker on the subject of PAS. They will say that setting the record straight cannot be your priority. Making sure the child knows you = the target parent are loving, safe and available to them is. There will be time to tell your version of events but you do not want to become the alienator yourself. There are ways to present your vision of things... "When mommy says we never had any fun together, mommy is mistaken. Look at this picture where you and I are at a carnival when you were 6! We look so happy!" And so on.
The main thing is to not
The main thing is to not increase her anxiety. She's a hot mess to begin with, and simply does not have the tools to examine her mother critically.
DH has made himself available to her and has made CLEAR that he is there for her, whether she chooses to push him away or not.
Over the years I have seen how she has learned to 'manage' her mother in such a way that there is less drama, and yes, SD has pushed back in the past and was QUICKLY put back in submission by BM.
There are security tapes I could show SD to demonstrate her BM's bad behaviour. I don't think she can handle the truth... honestly. She will not able to rationalize it in her mind and since the venom towards me is particularly bad, I think it may backfire. This is VERY tough for me, because I want nothing more than to put the bitch in her place. (and let the kid have some peace)
We go through the same
We go through the same things. It's sad. We ask to see the kids to only get it's bad timing, we have plans, they have plans with friends, they can't go to the water park, they can't go to BBQ get together (BM doesn't like the host), etc etc etc. We moved 6 hours away and while driving the UHAUL there is an entire page written on FB about what a lousy dad he is, didn't say bye to his kids, and never spent time with them by BM BF! REALLY!?!?! My whole situation is toxic with BM and skids. Now he goes and visits them 6 hrs away when, how, and where she allows. I can't because frankly It's not important enough to me to jump thru her hoops of control. He accepts it and I stay clear of it.
When and IF they visit here for Christmas I'll be busy with mine FAR away from the situation. Then whatever lies they go home and feed BM I'm still not involved.
Sometimes seperation from the situation, "Not my kid, not problem", is the only way to keep your sanity. I fully completely and utterly express "Not my kids, not my business."