Hi seekingpatience,

I felt like I was reading some of my own life's story!

I agree - firm but fair and fake it till you make it are great pieces of advice. Most seven-year-olds are going to test the boundaries. They are going to interrupt, they are going to be up your ass, they aren't always going to listen, and they are going to lie and break the rules sometimes. That's just the less glamorous side of having kids to begin with.

Your daughter will do her version of those things at some point, as well. I say this because sometimes it is hard to get perspective in the midst of a situation.

In terms of the firm but fair, it sounds like you and your husband need to have a conversation about what behaviors, adult response, and consequences you guys have set up. If these behaviors are continuing, you may need to tweak what your doing. Although, if it is getting better (and it sounds like it is) it may just mean that you have to continue being consistent and give it time for him to learn that these expectations aren't going to go away. I'm a firm believer of logical consequences designed to help kids learn. So while I may have yelled at my stepson (we all have human moments!), I might try additional pieces that help him to learn why that is bad, why we don't take our pants down with our little ss, etc.

Most of all, recognize that you are not always going to like your ss. That is sometimes the nature of the beast. I had a hard time admitting that to myself, but once I did, I felt like I lifted a huge weight of inadequacy off my back. In those times, take a break for yourself. No you don't want him to look at you and read your disdain - kids have a way of sensing that crap out. But you do want to give yourself space to breath, get control of your emotions, and then try to come back to him when you are in a better place. One rule of thumb I use is 20/20 - I try to give myself no more than 20 minutes when I need it, and then I give him 20 minutes of whatever game/play he likes. When I started to explore the world of play with him, we were able to connect on a level I never thought possible.

Hope this helps.
All the best,
A. S. Noraford
www.blendedfamilysurvivalguide.com

I have the same problem most times with my SD. She's 9yrs old and I have to grin and bear it most times to avoid fighting about it. My relationship with my SD has gotten better. I found things I could do with my SD. Things she really enjoyed. Like going to seeing horses, feeding them, grooming them and such. We play board games of her choice and then of my BD choice. And I schedule time when it's just her and daddy and me and my little girl. It's not a great relationship but it's better than it was.

I can relate! I have very little in common with my ssons so it's hard to find things to do together to build relationship.

Some things that people have shared with me:

Life goes where you focus. Try to notice three things each day about your skid that you like or appreciate. However small they may be at first. What you look for you will see. Tell them at least one.

Pray for them every day for two weeks.

The 5:1 ratio rule. To build a relationship, you need to have five positive interactions to every one negative one. Set yourself up for success by creating situations that increase your odds of it being positive.

Smile first, even if you have to fake it. When you smile, you send the message to your brain that you are happy. (C'mon brain! get with the program WE ARE going to like this!)

LOL! Thanks for your post.... I haven't been doing many of these things and I REALLY needed a reminder!

There are some great points of advice above! I will have to start using some of them. Thanks for posting!

Yeah, all great advice. I will say that I did not like my stepson from ages like 5-8 or 9, and he lives with me!!!

My best advice is like above, fake it. I also would try to spend alone time with him just talking. His mother is much like your BM, but I venture to say worse (based on the fact the courts wont let the kids live there). She is very neglectful and both verbally and emotionally abusive. She has been on and off supervised visits... anyway.

I tried my best to just be his friend. I never needed to love him, and he needed someone to just be around. His father and I have been together for 7 years, so it's not like I was new, he just turned into something I didnt like around that age. I would tell him I loved him, even though I didnt necessarily feel it. Long story short- I helped him reign in his bad behaviors by spending time with him. Today he and I get along really well. We don't have a mother son relationship (and we dont need to, he has a mom), but I have become his person. He talks to me about all the problems going on, and confides a lot in me. We do homework together and he is proud to tell ppl hes my stepson. It took years for us to get to this point, and trust me he still drives me bonkers, but we developed a relationship that is ours. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel about SS. You have no definition of a role to fill. You do not have to love him. You do not even have to like him, but you do need to be kind to him. Find your groove together, and do your best to keep all nasty thoughts out when he is around. My first step was accepting that I didnt have to like/love him... when I finally GOT that I felt a lot less pressure