SD13 moved out the house because she didn't like what DH and I had to say...
We have SD in joint custody, its been like this for a long time...my DD12 and SD13 are cheerleading at school, my SD is co-captain of squad. Ever since tryouts my dd had complained that sd would talk down to her in front of the other girls. My dd was new to cheerleading she had no clue on how to cheer, I told her that sd is just trying to help and her and should listen to her since she knows more. My dd was a quick learner, but the problem persisted, this time with other girls in the squad. My sd would come to us and tell us how other girls in the squad did't listen to her, we told her that perhaps she was being a little to over dramatic and maybe she shouldn't yell at the girls. My dd did not back her up, she said sd was mean to all the girls and that's why they don't listen, my dd even said that the squad would always ask my dd if that's the way sd treats her at home. I told my sd that I understand she was trying to be a good leader but its not worth people thinking badly of you. There is nothing wrong in being nice right? Two weeks ago, I met one of the other cheerleaders mom, and after talking with her, she asked me straight out, if SD spoke to my DD at the house the way she does during practice. It broke my heart into million pieces, here I was defending my SD, telling my DD to take it...She also said that her daughter also mentions how my SD is with the girls, and talks down to them....things stayed like that I didn't say anything to her, DH didn't want to say anything either<
I don't know why only half
I don't know why only half got posted? So the ending she moved out yesterday, on Wednesday DD and SD got home and DD wanted to see some shirts SD had to give to the squad, my SD told her no and to stop whining about it. DH heard this and told her there was no big deal if DD saw the shirts, she started yelling at my DD whining baby, this and that, I told SD the only baby I saw was her with her attitude, and why can't she just be nice to DD and be a big sister and say yes okay..I then told her what that a parent had mentioned to me..and she didn't like it one bit, she would not even defend herself, she would only say , okay okay i'm mean, whatever, I won't say anything to her anymore..she left with her mom the next day came for her stuff yesterday..
DD only wanted to see the
DD only wanted to see the shirts, when SD yelled at her no, she left it at that, it was DH that told her not to be like that, there is nothing wrong if she just saw it. It wasn't about the shirts, the shrits was not the problem. I called her a baby, because she was literally yelling at my DD in her face. My DD didn't yell back to defend herself I did...I don't see how me calling her a baby is overstepping?
I was going to respond to
I was going to respond to your comments, but after reading someone comments about you, I'd rather keep them to myself.. BUT THANK YOU
^^^ I wish there was a like
^^^
I wish there was a like button for this comment.
Sounds like your SD is on a power trip. ( maybe watched "bring it on" too much. i personally don't think you did anything wrong here. just because she is captain doesn't give her the right to treat other people that way. When my SS talks down to DS i always correct him and ask him how he'd feel if someone talked to him that way and he says he would like it. ( he is 6 and he gets it I'm sure your SD is old enough to understand that.)
What do the coaches say about this behavior? if other parents see it im sure the coaches maybe need to address it.
The sponsor knows about this
The sponsor knows about this behavior and she also came to me about this, sadly BM has the attitude of she is the leader I support her 100 percent, she is not doing anything wrong...in other words..."my daughter can be whatever she wants"
The sponsor knows about this
The sponsor knows about this behavior and she also came to me about this, sadly BM has the attitude of she is the leader I support her 100 percent, she is not doing anything wrong...in other words..."my daughter can be whatever she wants"
Thank you for letting me know
Thank you for letting me know
WOW I always assumed HRNYC
WOW I always assumed HRNYC was a male. Usually women are smarter than that.
Yes, an adult SM does have
Yes, an adult SM does have rights that a skid, that pays no bills, does not.
these are my thoughts as
these are my thoughts as well, not too long ago, SD was having trouble with BM and wanted to move in with us full time, when she brought it BMs attention, bottom line BM didn't let her. BM is not the best of moms, I am the one who does everything for this child. GRADES? lets just say her mom doesn't know she has a 65 in math. BM doesn't care and SD knows this. I feel sad SD took this approach.
yes same here, this was just
yes same here, this was just in 3weeks reports, if she doesn't pick it up by the 6 weeks, she won't be able to cheer
I don't favor my own kid over
I don't favor my own kid over my SD. Never have, if anything I stood by my SD when my own DD was complaining about her, even when a parent came told me about the same, I never said anything to SD because I didn't want to make her feel bad. If you want another example...My DD and SD wear the same size of clothes, in fact same as me, I lend them my clothes and my DD lends SD her clothes...Does SD lend my DD her clothes??? NO! Do I ever say anything to my SD about this NO? Does SD lend me her clothes, yes, just not to my DD..and till this this I have not said anything to SD about this. I wonder what you have to say about this.
she never touch the stuff!!!
she never touch the stuff!!! the stuff was in SD room this talk took place when both of them were in the laundry room, it was a simple question DD ask? SD said no and had a fit, DH heard the way she spoke to my DD and he stepped in for my DD. What is so difficult to understand? if it were the other way around, I would have MADE MY DD SHOW HER THE SHIRT..show as in see!! and my dd is not allowed to talk to SD as if she is the parent or adult in the household because DD is not an and neither is SD...the whole argument was not about the shirt, or why my SD didn't want to show it to DD, it was because of the way she spoke to her.
We must have been reading
We must have been reading different posts because I surely didn’t read it the way you did.
I am under the understanding that:
1) OP did not say anything to SD about DD seeing the shirts until AFTER her DH said something.
2) The shirts in question were not SD’s personal property, but shirts for the squad, which DD is a part of
3) OP initially took up for SD regarding DD’s complaints about how she acts, and it took her hearing it from another parent for her to realize that it wasn’t, after all, DD being a drama queen.
When did it become okay for a
When did it become okay for a parent to just let their 13 year old pack their shit and leave. She's still a minor and by her behavior it's pretty clear to immature to make her own decisions. Your DH should make it clear you don't run from your problems and BM will face legal consequences if the CO isn't followed. she doesn't like it she can take it to court. Oh and ignore the grumpy troll I do.
^^^Couldn't agree more^^^^ I
^^^Couldn't agree more^^^^ I always hated it when DH would let SD run home to BM whenever any little thing happened at our house. That's part of the reaso that he is just a second thought only when SD needs something now. A responsible and mature BM would also tell her DD that if it's dad's time it's dad's time and she's just going to have to figure out how to deal with it.
^^^ I totally agree with
^^^ I totally agree with you...when SD wanted to do the same to BM we told her to talk to her mom, that it was up to her BM not SD to make this decision. BM is taking this as "she wants to be with me, not you" sort of way.
Yesterday when she was home,
Yesterday when she was home, I begged DH to talk to her.. She is acting as if she is 16 when she is only 13. DH doesn't want to deal with her attitude, BM backs her up on anything she does, including being mean to the girls on the squad. DH is just letting her get want she wants hoping one day she will return and realize she was wrong...i'm afraid that day won't come.
My SD left the day she turned
My SD left the day she turned 14...Here in GA they can decide. It has to go to court, but the judge lets them decide...
any person who is the parent
any person who is the parent of multiple children that are somewhat close in age will tell you that this crap does happen from time to time when one of the choose to be a butthead or is acting too big for their britches.
Regardless of being sd or dd. It just happens. I don't see that you were treating them any different. It sounds to me like you were looking over and trying to smooth over sd's behavior toward other girls on the squad, including your own daughter.
Next time...lesson here. Let you daughter handle her own business with sd. Or take it to the dad. You put yourself in the middle by not really taking any action to deal with the issue early on.
I'm shocked that the bm just grabbed her and left but that does happen as well. It's frustrating that children are raised to not have to deal with confrontation or adversity. These little squabbles actually are very character building.
AND yeh, the sd was being a giant baby!!! Although that might not have been the best time to call her out on it!!! lol.
When my DD would come to me
When my DD would come to me about this, I would tell her to talk to DH and he can have a talk with him, she would and I would ask him to not say anything right away because SD will take it out even more on DD. So we would wait for SD to come out and say how she is with the squad, and we would tell her that she is co-captain and she should back up the captain, this way she doesn't seem to be the bad guy right? When these conversation would come up, DH and I would tell SD that we understand if she feels she can talk to DD like that, they are sister and DD will never hate her, BUT when she decides to talk the same to the rest of the girls, well then she is just making enemies. We would stress it out so much, it took a another mother to tell me, so I could feel like a total failure to DD..it saddens me that her solution to this is stop talking to my daughter and leave the house.
We live in a small town, and
We live in a small town, and when I get to talk to people that knows BM and then get to know SD through my stories...automatically say....she is going to grow up just like BM..
I don't want that?? I want her to be liked to be a respectable likable girl. not a Selfish obnoxious, know it all...she is going to be miserable. Her BM till this day can not remarry or has had a steady boyfriend. My SD will be doomed if she continues on this path.
A little bit of both I think.
A little bit of both I think. If the mother wasn't in the picture will she still act like this? Sadly my answer would be yes, she would still grow up to be the person she is today. I'm afraid to say nature... :O
I hope your daughter came out
I hope your daughter came out on top through it all...
Your DD sounds awesome in my
Your DD sounds awesome in my eyes...that's my dream, to see my DD overcome this nonsense and come out on top...so sad to know that your SD has not changed, i'm afraid mine won't either. My DDs cousin is SD best friend, and often DD tells me her cousin had to step in for her, because of the way SD talks to her in practice. My daughter is not an angel, but she sure comes close to being one. She started to cry when I told her about DD moving out...she said it was her fault for asking to see the shirts??? can you imagine? the impact my SD has over my DD?
So sorry for your loss, must
So sorry for your loss, must have been difficult for all the family to deal with. I don't have anymore children, my husband and I nvr had a baby, our love is enough for both of us. My DD doesn't see her dad, basically my DH has helped me raised her. I love him so much, for being a great husband and father. My SD is just going through a phase, which I honestly want to part in. Thank you for you advice, I will try to be a best mom my DD deserves to have.
She's 13, she's highly strung
She's 13, she's highly strung and doesn't want to accept criticism and unfortunately she's in a situation where she CAN refuse to accept it by running away to The Other House where her misguided mother is happy to score points over DH. It sounds like SD is suffering from a combination of power going to her head, and poor understanding of how to motivate and lead people. The hoarding of the team shirts and refusal to let DD even look at them was more of the same and it's certainly incriminating that even other squad mothers commented on her manner towards DD and the rest of the team. Hard to see how this situation could be dismissed as a biased partial mother favouring DD when not only have other parents commented, DH himself stepped in over the shirt issue because he didn't like his daughters attitude.
What SD needs is some parenting - a real discussion about how to behave towards others, some probing questions about whether she is resorting to a show of bossiness and rudeness because she is not coping and doesn't know how to lead a team properly. Instead, predictably, she's going to be allowed by BM and DH to learn nothing from this other than how to avoid accountability, and manipulate her parents to airlift herself out of trouble.
I agree with Bojangles. SD
I agree with Bojangles. SD needs some real parenting. Shame, shame, shame on DH and BM for allowing her to call the shots like this. They've created a real monster.
Perhaps the next time she comes over, you and DH ought to take all the kids, her included, to volunteer for a few hours at a homeless shelter. Don't even tell her where you're going before she comes over. Don't tell her what your plans are.