I'm not the bad guy!
Hubby (18 YO Daughter)
Me ( 2 Pit Bulls that love everybody)
There is one thing in my husband's life that we consistently fight about. That is his daughter. He always says to me, "I wish you would get along with SD.". I can't tell you how this makes my blood boil! Nothing infuriates me more than him placing the blame for his daughter's insolent mouth on ME!
Several years ago, I had told her that under no circumstances was I going to put up with her treating her father in the manner that she did. Whenever she spoke to him, she was always disrespectful, never listened to what he was telling her, walked away while he was talking to her in person, hung up on him when he spoke to her on the phone, refused to answer the phone when she saw that it was him calling, whined incessantly when she didn't get her way, and at one point, told him to "shut the f**k up"! It is my opinion that no sane or reasonable adult would ever put up with this kind of behavior, and I told her that she would not speak to him in that manner, in my presence, under any circumstances. Upon hearing this news, she decided that she would call me on the phone and tell me what she thought about it. Then, she turned her disrespectful, idiotic thought process on me!
The evening that she called, she told me that she didn't understand why I didn't just "stay out of it" and, "I don't know you, and I don't want to know you.". She then hung up the phone. That is the last that I have heard from her. Anyone who thinks that it is my fault that we not speak needs to have their head examined! It is NOT my responsibility to call her up and say, "Hey, SD, can we be friends?" SHE is the one who cut ME off. Not the other way around. I am NOT the bad guy here.
This is just another manifestation of her the piss poor way that she has been raised. She has been raised with this idea of "entitlement" by her mother and her grandmother, and they have allowed her disrespect toward her father to thrive by not enforcing discipline when she was disrespectful to him in the past. As a matter of fact, they encouraged her attitude toward him, and showed her through their own actions, that he should be disrespected, lied to, cussed at, and avoided whenever possible.
Hubby is just as much at fault for allowing this to continue as her mother. He should have been so ashamed by her disrespect to me that he should have forced her to apologize RIGHT THEN, but instead he has let it drag out for years, and it continues to this day. The relationship between hubby and I has been damaged over and over again because of her. She is a constant source of irritation between the two of us, and is currently causing me to question whether I even want to continue to be a part of his life and have him as part of mine.
I suppose I can't leave myself out of the blame game either. It is my fault for continuing to try to have a relationship with him. After all, he has a responsibility to her as her father in spite of showcasing his lack of responsibility in correcting her bad behavior and continually rewarding her by rushing to her aid when she needs money, a ride, a flat tire repaired, or an ally against her irresponsible mother. Herein lies my quandary. Do I continue to subject my life, my time, my emotions in a relationship where I will always be disrespected by both hubby and his daughter, or do I cut my losses and move on?
Oh, notasm, I would just love
Oh, notasm, I would just love to do that if only she weren't constantly interfering with every plan that we make. She causes a lot of havoc for a dead person.
Hubby is off work every other weekend. Some weekends he tries to make plans with her. I have no problem with that whatsoever. I welcome the down time. However, when he tries to make plans, she is wishy washy and tells him that she'll let him know if she wants to get together, or not, later on. I know that she's waiting on a better offer to come along, and if something presents itself, then hubby is cut out of the loop, and she just won't answer her phone for a day or 2. That leaves us sitting at home or doing something around town cause we weren't able to make plans. BUT...let him plan something for us to do and see what happens. She will blow his phone up the entire day while we are out with a complaint about how bored she is or how she wishes she could do this, that, or the other....blah, blah, blah.
This weekend, we had planned to go camping in our RV. That plan got cancelled because the stupid little twit couldn't figure out why her car would only go 35 mph with a flat tire on the front wheel! Bye, bye camping trip...hello tire store. He bought her 4 new tires, and a new rim, and it took most of the day to get it ready, so I had to call and cancel our reservations, and this isn't the first time that reservations had to be cancelled because of her wanting Daddy at her beckon call! I'm not sooo mad about this weekend because I don't think she intentionally flattened her tire, but the timing certainly sucked, and she didn't even bother apologizing to him (it certainly wouldn't cross her mind to apologize to me since she doesn't know me or want to know me) for derailing our plans.
I would continue to remain
I would continue to remain disengaged from her BUT lay a few boundaries down with your husband. You need protected time where his daughter does not have any involvement in you or your husbands time. He daughter sounds like she is ruling the roost! Well it's your home and time it is affecting and unless you make changes and say what the rules are this will continue to happen. For example rather than him sorting her tires out he should have told her he can do it on ' their' set time as he was going away camping. I bet she would have found a way to sort her tires out on her car! Then you can make your own arrangements when they have 'their' time. If she doesn't see him she will have to wait until the next 'pre arranged' time. She might start to respect other peoples time a little bit more. Most importantly you need your time protected without having to feel like your begging for it
If you do nothing, nothing
If you do nothing, nothing will change. Your husband only had to tell her to go to a tyre store and buy tyres, he could've rung the tyre place and paid for them over the phone and still went on your trip. He chose not to, and YOU rang and cancelled the reservations. You should have told him to do that.
She is the other woman in your marriage. So, what to,do. Do nothing and nothing changes. Set boundaries and either your husband will understand and comply, or he will leave. Either way, the issue of you being second best is solved.
This will just get worse I imagine. She will marry and have babies, you won't be a part of that. What happens then.
I think you need to work out what you REALLY want. If your not happy you need to do something about it.
I have finally figured out
I have finally figured out that if I let them my DH and sons would rule my roost. You have to lay boundaries and stick to them. Teens are notorious for trying to take over the house!!
If SD is an adult, I would
If SD is an adult, I would lay down boundaries with DH! Tell him flat out how you feel, and if he doesn't like it, maybe it is time to move on! I totally dread when SD14 is an adult. If she continues to manipulate my life after, I'm outta here...no questions asked. I'm trying to be patient and just get through the next few years...don't know if I will. But surely, if DH doesn't cut those apron strings after she is grown, that's it! I'm not putting up with this crap the rest of my life!
I'm trying to set those boundaries now...I seem to have little victories, but then there are little setbacks. I'm praying as she gets older, DH will start seeing SD14 for who she really is, and by the time she is 18, this will be a moot issue!
I feel so much better after
I feel so much better after getting all that off my chest. I think you all are right. I do need to talk to DH and define some boundaries. CantKeepDoingThis, I certainly hope for your sake that by the time your SD is 18 she will have either proven herself to DH or to you and you don't have to give up your relationship because she just can't take care of herself. However, I'm pretty assured that, in my situation, the day that SD becomes self-sufficient will never come. Her mother has never balanced a checkbook, never paid a bill, never scheduled maintenance on a car, never had a budget, and pretty much avoided every kind of responsibility her whole life. She and DH were never married (they had a 3 month fling that resulted in a baby) so she lived with her mother until she married the man that she is with today. He cheats on her regularly, but she keeps taking him back because she doesn't know how to fend for herself. And, EmotionallyBeatUp, unwed mothers go back to at least her grandmother and maybe further than that on her mother's side of the family. I am TERRIFIED of what will happen if she winds up knocked up! Her mother did have enough sense to get her on birth control just before her 16th birthday so hopefully we won't have to deal with that, but she does have a boyfriend that is living in a dorm at a nearby college, and she spends every Sunday afternoon with him even though he doesn't take her out or do anything with her any other time. She tells DH that they just hang out in his apartment all afternoon. I'm guessing he spends most of his weekend with another girl, and just sees her on Sunday when his libido wants to see her. Maybe one day, she will find a good man, besides her daddy, to take care of her.