Need advice on fiance with three adult daughters.
My divorced fiance has three daughters from a previous marriage 21, 22 and 18. I am also divorced. I was a stepfather for 18 years to my ex's son from age 4 on. There were no major problems there, I was dad and he was my son. My ex wife lost interest in me shortly after he started his own family. I guess I had served my purpose. I'm just establishing that I'm not new to step parenting.
Two of my finances three daughters are extremely difficult. Selfish, uncaring about any else's feelings, use their mother for whatever they can get, unappreciative, purposely hurt her when she doesn't give them everything they demand. I've seen it all discussed here before. She admits it's her fault for raising them to think they are the center of the universe. I am completely detached from them. I never tried being their father and I don't want to be their friend. They don't live with us.
I recently received a very abusive and threatening message from the 18 yo. She doesn't like me because I do not allow her to treat me with disrespect and I also stand in her way when she uses and abuses her mother. I responded by reinforcing to my fiance that I want nothing to do with the two troublesome daughters and that they would not be allowed in my home of they cannot treat me with respect. It was my home before I was with my fiance, she lives here now.
So now my fiance says it's unfair of me to ban them from my home because it's her home too. I respond by saying she can see them anywhere else in the whole world, but I will not be made to leave or be uncomfortable in my own home. I told her she has the same right to ban anyone in my family who treats her this way although I would never allow any of my family to get away with this type of behavior.
Am I expecting too much?
It is very frustrating to be
It is very frustrating to be in your shoes, and i absolutely feel your indignation, having been there myself and having 3 skids ( 2 adults) flirt with open disrespect towards me in MY home, purchased before their father became my bf. However, I have to say, that if my partner banned my kids from OUR home i would have a very hard time with it. The danger always is that the bio-parent will choose their bio-kids over the new partner. You could do several things before you lay down the final installment of the law:
1. try couples counseling with your partner - she needs to step up and enforce respectful treatment of you
2. try family therapy with the daughters and the mother
3. try disengaging so that even if they are there, you do not go beyond hi and bye, unless they seek you out in a pleasant manner
You said it yourself: YOU would not allow anyone to treat your partner without respect. To reciprocate, she needs to make sure no one in her family treats you badly. It is her job, to a large degree.
How long have you been together? How long has the disrespect lasted?
We've been together for two
We've been together for two years, the disrespect has been there since day one. I am completely disengaged from them as of now, and I was to some degree for the last year. When they are here, they don't even say hello or good bye. Sorry,I won't allow that. I will not be disrespected by these sorry excuses for people who resect no-one. I must admit I find it amusing to watch them struggle with the fact that someone in the world refuses bow down to them like mommy and daddy do.
No your not...Your home, your
No your not...Your home, your rules. She should expect better of them. If my son, treated DH that way, he may get a slap upside the head and he is 18. But, I raised him better than that....He gets frustrated with my husband sometimes, but he would never show it to him. They have a good relationship, going to a lot of concerts together, they have the same taste in music. That has helped them to have a relationship beyond me.
You can try and have a relationship with them to please your wife, but their has to be mutual respect and sounds like that ship has sailed....
You are not expecting too
You are not expecting too much, so don't doubt your instincts nor your decision.
Best advice I would give is this: Don't get married until you and your fiance come to an agreement on this situation. And agreement doesn't mean you automatically capitulate to whatever behaviors her "kids" foist upon you.
Because they aren't kids - they are young adults and they need to act like it. If your fiance treated their significant others/spouses the way they treat YOU they would most likely be outraged.
So. Simple courtesy is not that hard to do. These skids know how to do it, I would imagine. If they ever go into a store, restaurant or work place I would guess they have some semblance of understanding about how to treat other people.
Your fiance needs to school them in using this same practice when dealing with you: A simple greeting. Polite small talk. And a courteous good-bye. Not so hard to do. If she won't do it, or if they can't master the basics of decency, then nothing is likely to change. Is that what you want to marry into? Is that what you want your life to be like?
^^^^This, to actually expect
^^^^This, to actually expect 'adult behavior' from your adult skids is not too much. I have banned SD from my home as well, DH respects this, I am lucky, but if he did not I would not change my course. My home is my escape from the outside world, I will not allow anyone to come into it and make me uncomfortable there.
fiance + rude SD = disaster,
fiance + rude SD = disaster, what about downgrading your SO to GF status? This will never end AND somehow they will edge in and be in your house ignoring you and using all your stuff and there won't be a d*mn thing you can say or do about it except divorce because your (soon to be spouse) will NEVER, I say NEVER fix the situation.
beware. your partner is No.1
I have a similar problem, you are not top of the list.
kids were not bought up by you, common courtesy should be given to everyone and you are right to expect it.
don't give in. be strong. it's not easy and it's not fun is it?
you have a tough uphill struggle - you know that but remember she is their mother and she loved them first so don't expect your partner to be objective (mine isn't even though she is lovely and smart) aaaaarrrgh!!!!
keep calm. talk to your partner and good luck
I dated the guy with two
I dated the guy with two grown daughters who had been raised by a tough mother who prides herself on being a b***breaker when it comes to men, and raised her daughters in the same mode. Their father was a sweetie, but he permitted himself to be completely controlled by both girls, and they were often very unkind to him. Whenever I brought up the behavior, I was "jealous, " "did not understand," or even worse heard "they are unkind to me because I deserve it." He had such a low opinion of himself that the more outrageous the behavior the more he beat himself up. I sadly realized that when he tolerated this for himself he was also tolerating it for me. I wanted a better quality of life for myself. That's the irony people think that the abuse they accept involves only them, not true. After a run in with his kids he would be down on himself, critical of me, and the joy would just be sucked from the air. Ironically his ex liked me and was kind to me. His daughters could be hit or miss towards me. I realized that his kids would always have the power to pull him down and bring out his unkindness, and I did not want a life of that.
You are doing exactly what
You are doing exactly what you should do IMHO. Stick to your guns!
SD18 has not been welcome in
SD18 has not been welcome in my home since she was 15. To put a very fine point on it, she has not been allowed here since she told me on the phone, "I don't know you, and I don't want to know you.". She hung up the phone that night, and she has never apologized, and she has never spoken to me since. In spite of that, she still pulls the "I'm not even allowed at your house." card on DH every chance she gets. DH does tell her that it was all her fault for running that big mouth and that not everyone will take her crap, and I'm one that won't. If she chose to apologize for her behavior, I would be willing to give it another shot and temporarily lift the ban to see how it went, but I'm perfectly happy without her being around. DH sees her whenever he wants, or whenever she will let him, but not in my house. So, I am with you 100%, Hoff426. Do not be bullied by your DF into backing down. You are worth something, and remember, sometimes it's better to be healthy and alone than miserable and with someone who makes you feel like less than a human being.
I think you 100% right but I
I think you 100% right but I will echo what some other replies have said, blood is thicker than water. I lived separately from my husband for 5 years after only 2 years of marriage because of his son's treatment toward me. It escalated to the point of violence & that was my limit. SS was 15 when he hit me & I left with my boys.
I, like you would not allow the disrespect toward me or anyone else in the house which was an unheard of concept to this kid. My story has a happy (so far) ending, we moved back in together 4 years ago with no kids. Apart from minor BS from SS & SD we are happy. My husband chose his son over me & I understood but that didn't lessen the pain in my heart.