Should I "stick up" for my SD17
My SD17 has become a real pistol lately. Some of it is age. Some of it is her new friends. Most of it really is about her feel of entitlement. Anyway I have always thought that my SD is a good kid at heart. This past weekend was a doozie she was down right hateful! Not just to us but to her friends as well. The name calling and harassment she inflicts onto her piers at her school just blew me away. She is one of the "mean girls" now at school. I have pretty much always defended her, but now I have decided I am going to stop. She is 17 and has her own mind and should know wright from wrong at this point in life. I don't feel like this is all due to how she was raised. I know her feeling of entitlement was a group effort. I know her mom has tried to alienate my DH and put SD through mental games with that and more, but like I said she KNOWS wright from wrong. Do any of you feel like there are some kids that no matter how well they have been raised they are just going to end up being stinkers. Like there was some kind of disorder from birth?
You've defended this behavior
You've defended this behavior in the past? I'm confused when you say you've pretty much always defended her .. but then wonder why she continues to act this way (or gets worse)?
I have defended her to my MIL
I have defended her to my MIL and FIL and other extended family when they have said some off the wall things about SD. These are the same people who made this child think she was queen bee and could do no wrong until she was about 14. When Sd was younger I would tell all of them they are setting SD up to be a monster if they continue with letting her get away with things. MIL would actually call to tell me to pick up DD (MIL babysat while I worked)because she couldn't handle DD but SD can stay because she is an angel. So when SD was about 14 they realized she was not the angel they all thought she was. They began speaking badly about her and I would pretty much change the subject and pay not attention to them. I would just say well we don't live in the house with BM and we dont know what really goes on there. They were not offering any suggestions on how to fix it they would just continue with their gossip and it is a huge family. I felt they were all upset that SD wasn't giving the the time of day any longer and that is why they were lashing out. Besides my DD was there and she didn't need to hear those things about her sister. Now SD is 17 and the bad talking is getting worse at this point. I didn't say a word the last time it came up and my DH noticed and asked why the change and I have not answer for him.....I guess it could be that I agree with them. I feel like a hypocrite.
If I understand your post
If I understand your post correctly, MIL and FIL thought the sun rose and set on SD, and now they are saying negative things about SD, some of which may be justified?
I think it is wise of you not to join the bash SD club. As you say, it sounds they are more interested in gossiping about her instead of finding solutions, so that's not going to help anything. I would definitely steer the conversation away from bashing SD.
At the same time, I don't think anyone should condone someone's bad behavior, be it bio or step child.
Is it possible to have a little talk with SD about being mean to other girls at school? Schools often have bully awareness programs, maybe you could piggy back off of that subject.
That's a good idea. I hope I
That's a good idea. I hope I can do that, but lately my blood has been boiling so much that I am worried I will not be able to talk civil to her about this. I was always the kid in school to keep bullies away from other kids. I hated for anyone to pick on people and it has always been a sore spot with me. I was popular in high school and rarely did I get any resistance from the bullies I approached. I was friends to everyone even the bullies, but I NEVER condoned it. If bulling went on in my presence I said something about it. I just could not keep my nose out of things! Thank goodness there was no FB, Twitter and so on when I was growing up. I work with handicapped children now and this picking on people is just a terrible sore spot for me.
You have to remember kid
You have to remember kid often bully because they have problems themselves.
I'm biracial and I was bullied in school by the black girls in school. I didn't understand why they were so mean to me at the time but now I understand it was because they were jealous of my hair and light skin color. Not saying there's anything wrong with dark skin or kinky hair, it's just that these girls felt ugly in their own skin and took it out on me.
You have to remember that there is something that is causing your SD to be mean to other girls. People deal with hurt in different ways, and one way some people deal with hurt is to hurt others. The thing is to figure out what is causing your SD hurt. She could feel ugly, hate something about herself, anger at the fact that her parents aren't together, it could be any number of things.
If you focus on helping your SD it may help you control those emotions that make your blood boil. And think about it, indirectly you will be helping those girls at school who are being bullied by your SD.
This child has never had good
This child has never had good self esteem. I am sure you are right that there is a reason she is doing this. Unfortunately, I am at a loss as to how to pull this out of her and make it better. We don't have her very often it seems. It tears me up that my SD is doing this. My DD13 has the opposite problem she is much like me and feels the need to defend others. Just last week she defended a kid who was being harassed by a teacher. Although I am proud of her for doing that, I think to myself I hope she doesn't try to become some kind of Joan of Ark here we all know what happened at the end of that story.... Geesh any ideas on a opening line to see what might be going on with SD.....
I guess that is what bothers
I guess that is what bothers me the most I did condone the bashing because I didn't say a word to influence them to stop. I have guilt for that and it bothers me.
I don't know if there is
I don't know if there is anything you could have said that your in-laws would have listened to.
Sometimes we deal with the situations the best way we know how, and looking back we realize we didn't make the best decision. All you can do is learn from those experiences and move forward.
I was afraid this may be one
I was afraid this may be one of the suggestions, but I know you are right. I think SD is too far gone at this point and it has to be a professional on board. In the past BM has been burned in counseling so I am thinking she will not go for it. I have tried my best to counsel and I have never been one to feel medication given to a person before their twenties was a good idea, but I am swaying on that to put it mildly. I always thought SD wants to be good. I always though nobody wakes up in the morning wanting to be a bad person. I am swaying on that one too though. Does she want to be miserable to others? I hope BM and DH can come to some kind of agreement on this or I fear that sweet girl who once cried for me at night is gone....
NewJersey There are a lot of
NewJersey There are a lot of similarities with your situation and mine. I guess I question the whole is it the way you were raised or is there something that was "put" there in birth because my sister and I were a year apart and for the most part we were raised the same. I care about others and respect them, but my sister was always putting herself first and did not respect others no way no how and continues to be that way to this day. It is hard to believe we came from the same family. We were raised much like you were. I hope it never comes to the point SD doesn't speak to us for 2 years, but I sometimes get tired of feeling like the ref with my MIL, but I also don't think its a good idea to go on with gossip about a kid to people. But deep down I really don't have much left to defend SD no matter who's fault it is and I am usually not this way. It is a new leaf for me. On here no problem I will air the dirt, but to people who actually know my SD no. That is why I am on here so much at the moment I want to vent here not at home.
Caught having sex at school?
Caught having sex at school? Her BM called the school counselor and told her that SD was having sex and asked if she could talk the SD during school. I thought that was a horrible thing to do. It didn't mortify SD though she likes the attention and getting out of class. I don't think it should be going on.
Oh let me tell you, if my
Oh let me tell you, if my mother ever called the school to tell them something like that I would refuse to go back. I question what is wrong with this counselor that she feels the need to pull a kid out of classes she is failing to talk about something that frankly is none of her business!
OH no BM gives it way too
OH no BM gives it way too much attention. BM feeds off attention always has. BM loves to tell people what her daughter is putting her threw and loves to say look at poor me.
Oh no she doesn't do much
Oh no she doesn't do much about it she have been giving my SD control since she was 14 that whole misconception that when a kid is 14 they can decide kind of thing. We have SD EOW DH and I do what we can, but really it is not enough time to reverse the bullshit BM puts SD through.
Bunch of crap! You need a
Bunch of crap! You need a diploma to get most jobs, too bad there is not a prerequisite to having children.
There are some people in life
There are some people in life I will never understand and I realized why am I wasting my time trying to.
I love friends! Thanks and
I love friends! Thanks and if there is anything you would like to bounce off me go for it
I waited over 15 years and
I waited over 15 years and finally I am starting to see the tire tracks fade!
The emotional turmoil I have
The emotional turmoil I have gone through with crazy BM and SD was just too much. I go on to vent her so as to hide my crazy when I get home. My Dh has no idea I do this. LOL he thinks I just come home all civil like nothing bothers me....Now there is some acting LOL
I knew what you were saying,