Distasteful to talk about money, but...
Hello all! My first post - thank you for all the wisdom I've read here.
I'm about to complete a purchase of a new home with my SO. His kids (14,9)will be there 50% of time. Let's just say as the reality gets closer, the rose tinted glasses have slipped and the forums here have cemented my rising fears.
(I'll give it 2 years - but if it doesn't work, I'll not be a martyr to it).
My question today is about finances (apologies if already discussed to death). Do you and your SO split food and utility bills 50/50, agree a different split, or do you forensically keep accounts of who spends what? I have been way too generous with living costs til now, but am starting to resent even small expenses when we are out ("Can I have ice cream",etc, etc). They're not mine, so why should I be out of pocket. (This sounds awful I know, and I'm not usually like this!)
Am I getting all bitter and twisted? I really hope I don't end up labeling things in the fridge like a student out of pure mean-ness. }:)
Thank you for reading. Have a great day.
I completely agree HRNYC. I
I completely agree HRNYC. I was probably being churlish with that 2yr comment and I intend to be with SO til we're older and greyer. (But you are right - in hindsight, renting would have been a better option for a trial run).
Oh please please if you are
Oh please please if you are already feeling resentment Do Not get into a messy financial entanglement with your SO.
It doesn't sound like you and your SO have come to a clear agreement about who pays for what. Many people here have different set up for split finances. Some do 50/50, some do percentages based on who makes what percentage of the household income, some do the you pay rent, I'll pay utilities type. It all really depends on your own situation, what you can afford, who has how many dependents in the house...
You have to do what You are comfortable with. If your out with SO and a step kid wants ice cream, dad can either get it or they don't get ice cream. If they're out with just you and you don't want to get it, don't. If you don't want to spend 100$ or whatever on a birthday or Christmas present, don't. If SO expects you to pay for dinner for the 4 of you while out, but he's only paying for the two of you to go, you need to talk to him and clarify your expectations and his expectations.
It's concerning that you're near the end of buying a house with this guy but it doesn't sound like you've really talked to him about finances. It may be distasteful to you to talk about money, but if you're thinking about getting old and grey with someone and you're about to embark on a huge, potentially messy financial endeavor of owning a home together, you need to have a very real, very serious conversation about money. And probably a bunch of other conversations as well...
It definitely must be talked
It definitely must be talked about. Sit down with your SO and discuss it and come up with a plan that works for you both and will not cause resentment on either side. Which means you are going to have to be honest even though that might mean sounding selfish. Which, by the way, I don't think you are. It should be entirely your choice if you want to buy something for someone else's kids.
My husband and I started out having all separate accounts and almost 17 years later, we still have separate accounts. It works for us. All the bills were already in my name and the mortgage is in my name so he transfers a certain amount into my checking account every month (he pays less than me since he makes less than me). We both buy groceries (your SO should pay more into the groceries if kids are there 50%). He pays for the extras that he wants, I pay for the extras I want. He is responsible for building his savings, I am responsible for building mine. In the end, we are both in this together but this gives us more control over our individual earnings and less to fight about.
And if you are not sure it is really going to work out, I think keeping things separate makes more sense.
Since I took early retirement
Since I took early retirement a few years ago, we have changed our finances. One thing I have never had with either of my husbands is a joint bank account. Bad idea, if you want to each have your own and then pay a set amount into a joint "bill paying" account - that's a different matter.
I have a small private pension/income and my contribution to the family finances is paying for all food - including the SDs food when they come EOW. My DH pays most other bills including mortgage and utilities as his income is many times what mine is.
I think the most important thing to bear in mind is that any arrangement should be seen as fair by both parties, and you should keep discussing it until you reach this point. It's no good if there is resentment on the part of either of you, regarding financial matters.
A cohabitating couple MUST
A cohabitating couple MUST discuss finances. It's not in bad taste. It's in good sense.
IMO, you should never buy a home with someone you aren't married to. I also don't think you should buy a home with someone when you haven't even discussed who pays for what yet.
Money is a big deal...for my
Money is a big deal...for my DH and I we have MY account, DH account and OUR account at the bank. OUR account goes towards bills and sometimes I pay more sometimes he pays more - if there is a charge that is simply for him and SS when he is away I pull it out of OUR account and he pays more into the account. There are times that the individual accounts get mixed as I may have more cash, or my money may be tight - but we have the understanding in the end we both feel like we put the right perspective on it and nobody feels shafted...and if I do which can happen he will pay more the next time but we talk about it.
Communication is a huge thing in a relationship and the next thing is open-ness on how finances are handled without this I feel like you on the road to many year of fights and resentment.
Why didn't you discuss this before buying a house? DH and I discussed this before we even moved in together and when we moved to our current home even before we started looking for a new house to rent and discussed what was a reasonable amount that if one of lost our job the other could support temporarily just incase.
It may sound distasteful but without you talking to him you will continue to build resentment.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. My SO and I have had vague discussions in the past involving percentages, but I see now that these need to be more detailed. And that we need to start as we mean to go on, to avoid confusion or resentment on either side.
I'll start those discussions again tomorrow. Thank you all.
Agree with the others - its
Agree with the others - its good sense to talk about it, especially if there's a mortgage that needs to be paid.
I've always paid the rent or mortgage and paid for the bills and day to day expenses for the household, which includes SD and SS, due to my access to salary packaging, and then due to my pay security which was much better than his. He's always worked full-time but on a casual salary, which means timesheets, which means a timely payroll person (ha!), which means his income is not reliable. However, I do all that on the understanding that he helps me pay things off when he does have the money. Its not ideal, but its working and we only have the odd argument when he forgets to add to the joint account. However, I remain very transparent with the finances as to how much I owe and how much I've paid so there's very little argument when I ask for a few thousand. We don't split things 50/50 because his money is my money and vice versa.
This is probably a discussion you should have had before you went into life-long debt, but its better late than never. Sort it out now, and be open and communicative, and agree on a process for all of this. You don't have to have joint accounts if you communicate. You should have the same goals too i.e., lets pay off the mortgage ASAP and go on cheap holidays until we've paid off enough to allow us to go on more expensive holidays, or something. Because it will not work if he's planning on spending lots now, rather than paying off the mortgage.
You HAVE to talk about
You HAVE to talk about finances with your SO. The only things DH and I have ever fought about were SD, BM, and money.
Personally, I make about twice what DH makes (I'm ok with it.. I went to school for a very long time to do what I wanted to do.. And he works very hard every day) so I pay for more. The way we currently have it set up is he pays the rent and I pay everything else (electric, water, cable, gas, car insurance, food). I also pay almost every time we go out.
Sometimes DH makes comments about him having to pay so much but in reality, he pays a lot less than I do (which is fine because he makes less).
We used to split things 50/50 but that really wasn't fair because there is such a difference in our incomes. It left him with no money to spend and me with a lot and it truly was not right.
I say it all depends on your situation. If you make around the same incomes, 50/50 is an easy, straightforward way to split things. If one makes a lot more than the other, maybe try a % of just say you pay rent/mortgage, I pay utilities, something like that.
One more thing- do not underestimate the cost of having his kids there. He should be paying their share.
Definitely talk about it
Definitely talk about it first!! You don't want to enter into a situation with a financial obligation to someone if you haven't yet discussed each other's expectations.
For me, SO owns the house and I moved in with him and SD6 unofficially in February and officially in May. We make nearly exactly the same amount of money. i keep track of all shared bills (utilities, phone, mortgage). I pay all bills with the exception of the mortgage which he pays. At the end of the month we figure out who paid more and either I write him a check or he writes me one. Everything gets split down the middle 50/50. When we bought a canoe last month, I simply included it in the monthly bills. We are keeping our finances separate for now and will likely continue to do so.
Now when it comes to "other stuff" like going out to dinner, groceries, ice cream with the little one, I pay more often than he does. Why? He pays an enormous amount of child support and has far less money than I do. Also, since I moved in with him, I am renting my house and making a profit on it and since SO put so much down on the house when he bought it, the mortgage here is very low. So I pick up some additional expenses. Sometimes i will take SD6 to get our nails done or for mini golf just the two of us. I happily pay for these excursions because it's something that she and I are dong together for both of our enjoyment (as I would for my niece). So far this seems to be working.
I am in a bit of a pickle.
I am in a bit of a pickle. Initially when my SO and I discussed finances before we were married I thought we were on the same page. Come to find out that we are not. My SO buys what he wants, when he wants to with "our" ( it was all formerly mine) money. He even took a very expensive vacation ( with his kid, I couldn't go) and put it on his personal credit card because he didn't want to discuss it with me. He won't cut back on things I think he could cut back on especially his smokes and his need for alcohol every night. Our wedding was over budget ( I caved in) and since I met him it has been nothing but spending money. I make way more than he does but he is soon to be making more than me, by soon I mean after a master's degree ( 2 years). I had my home before we met. It is my separate property. He wants to be on title. I have changed my mind about that because of his financial attitude but also because every time we fight he threatens to leave and that makes me feel insecure about the longevity of our relationship. We have been in an argument for two days now with no-talkie ( this often happens). We argue about how he coddles his daughter and how any input I have is met with hostility. My SO is very verbally abusive and calls me the F word. I told him I don't like this ( who would, right).He has not stopped nevertheless. So today I had it. Since I can't talk to him without him firing up, I wrote him an email. I laid it all out...my concerns, expectations, commentary on various things, and fears. This may end the relationship but I am tired of being treated with such disrespect. I am a very good spouse to him. I do a lot for his kids. He does have some good qualities or I wouldn't have married him. Trouble in paradise. We have been married less than a year. And he won't go to counseling. I feel like my options are limited. Any suggestions? I feel like I need to financially protect myself. I am scared.
Having your resources go to
Having your resources go to support the spawn of someone else can be a challenge. That said, I have never had an issue with it. In fact I find it to be a point of unequivical superiority that I was far more than able to support my SS than his worthless POS SpermIdiot never could even if he had wanted to.
Since my DW and I met when SS was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo and all we had when we married was my pick up truck, two apartments full of college furniture and my newly printed bachelor's degree we have pretty much built everything that we have together over the past 19+ years.
Though never much more than a pittance my DW and I agreed that we would require that the SpermIdiot support his son by paying CS. CS never had any discernable impact on our household income but I believe that fact that there was CS coming in took some of possible issues like the one you are experiencing out of the equation.
Since our goal was to build a life together I never have taken issue with supporting my SS when he was a child. His mom stayed home until he started kindergarten then went to work and has had a successful career as a CPA. We both support our household though we do not split our finances or track who spends what. I believe that this is a wedge that can severly separate partners so it is better IMHO to blend finances and discuss expenditures and how your joint financial goals are performing.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Try very hard to do 50/50.
Try very hard to do 50/50. Get a prenuptial agreement (I did and so dang glad). I have a separate checking and savings account. Unfortunately, I am the bread winner of the household and pay about 70% or more of everything. The BM pays CS but very little and BF tries to pick up the children's expenses. I haven't minded paying for things until the kids started disrespecting me and telling me they did not have to ever listen to me. We have full custody and a very angry not so supportive BM who is always referring to me as not a real parent but has no problem with me paying for everything.
A prenuptial agreement can be drawn up to ensure that you and SO leave what you came into the relationship with. This is particularly important in some states. If you think there is any chance (which there always is) that the marriage could end in divorce then get what you want in a prenupt. Also, think about a SO that goes off the deepend and starts charging up charge cards (in other words be careful what you share).
Just some thoughts. There are so many challenges that you are not aware, the challenges get harder as the kids get older because they already have bad habits instilled in them or so it seems from the forums.