Are you friends with SO/DH's and BM's mutual friends??
The friends that you meet THROUGH your SO/DH who were also friends (or still are) with the BM.
My SO has quite a few best mates who he has been really good friends with since he was 5, they are important relationships to him, I totally understand that! Also, they all live quite a few hours drive from us in all different directions, meaning SO doesn't get to see them very often, I have no problems with him spending any amount of time with them, I think it's great!
SO wants me to meet them all, and be friends with them and their wives. I don't want to!! Not right now anyway.
When SO and BM were together, they were all younger, none of them had kids, so they all got together for w/e trips etc, BM became really good friends with them all. About 6 months ago I met SO's very best friend, his wife and their new baby, I had to sit there and listen to them talk about BM and say lovely things about her, they gave me a present and then gave one to SO to give to BM :jawdrop: I know for sure that they didn't do it on purpose, they are not familiar with the crazy b!tch that I know, they are just really nice friendly people and have no hard feelings towards BM.
Because of all the sh!t I'm going through with SO and how he deals with BM, I really do not feel up to meeting anymore of his friends right now, I do NOT like feeling as though I'M 'the other woman'!
Has anyone else had to deal with this?? Have you been able to 'step into BM's old shoes' so to speak??
I have done this but none of
I have done this but none of his friends liked his ex... so it made it very easy. Apparently she was very snobby and stuck up!
Same here. It didn't take
Same here. It didn't take long for them to breathe a sigh of relief and tell me "Oh thank god you're nothing like the last one".
I have done this but none of
I have done this but none of his friends liked his ex... so it made it very easy. Apparently she was very snobby and stuck up!
Oh yes I have, I live in a
Oh yes I have, I live in a town that is mostly relation to BM. I am not from here and if I would have known years ago how much relation she really had around here I would not have moved here period! My DH is a popular person in town and everyone seems to think they know everything about him. I would go out with him to his friends' and I knew they were all friends with BM. Most of them like you say were just genuine nice people and would ask me questions about myself just for conversation starters. Then there were the others that were there merely to spy on my DH and his new girl. I think I was always polite to them but there did come a time when the BM got more nutty and I just could not take it anymore. It was hard to be with theses people knowing I could never really have a bond with them. I felt fake nothing against them, I just feel to have friends means you can confide in them and how could I do this when they were her friend first? My DH asked me this one night "why don't you act yourself around so and so. You are such a different person with your friends. I explained to him it was because that is what they are my friends and I am comfortable around them. I am on guard with your and BM's friends. I think it got to a point when he knew it just wasnt going to be like old times. I was not going to get along with BM's friends no fault of anyone's it just wasnt working. Either that or he started to feel the same way because DH has maybe one or two friends from the BM era. I wish you luck with this and if it happens to come up in a conversation maybe he will understand. Or you can Fake it till you Make it! I wanted to but couldn't. How long have you been together?
We've been together for 2
We've been together for 2 years. The way you have described it and your feelings about it, is very much how I feel! SO has some friends coming to town tomorrow, they were good friends of BM's, even after SO and BM broke up, although about a year ago BM did go to all mutual friends and made them 'choose' (via FB, delete me OR him ultimatum), these friends chose SO. I told him I don't want to be here, i don't want to fake my way through it, I'm exhausted with all the BM crap at the moment and I think if they mention BM at all, i might throw cup cakes at the wall (lol kidding), I'm going to go to my brothers while they are here, SO is REALLY upset about that, he said that I should be here and get to know them because it's important to him, he wants to show me off etcetc... but what about how I feel??? I'm not secure enough to be around BM's old friends.
This is one of many fights I
This is one of many fights I am sure you are going to have with your SO when it comes to the BM era as I call it. Good for you to stick to your guns about this. Your request to not have to be there is not unreasonable, I think most woman would feel the same way. I also think you are making the best choice and cant tell you how good it is to hear that you are already letting him know your boundaries. You are doing a fantastic thing for your relationship! Trying to keep out as much "Fake" as possible is ALWAYS good no matter how you slice it!
Nope not one bit. Her circle
Nope not one bit. Her circle are not in any form near my standards sounds snobby I'm okay with that. I am educated, motivated, and mature. She is so low class white trash I's of never known of her if I wasn't with SO. I know people who know of her, went to school with her but none of them socialize in her circle.
Pretty sure she sits around and gets high with her low class white trash ex-con ex-meth head bf. Too bad there isn't enough proof of her habit.
Wow, you guys are lucky that
Wow, you guys are lucky that these friends could see through the BM's, SO's friends were completely blinded to it, BM IS a VEEERRRRYY good actress! Only a couple of SO's friends know what she's really like and dislike her because of what she's put SO through... but I still feel like I've stepped into BM's shoes when I'm around them, It's a ick feeling.
I guess maybe I need to keep at it and let them get to know me better, then maybe they'll start treating me like I am SO's... significant other lol as opposed to 'the new one'.
I don't know what my problem is, I'm comfortable around SO's family who knew BM pretty well, they all tell me that I'm much nicer then 'that other one' lol I should really give these friends a chance...
I have to say all of SO's
I have to say all of SO's friends see through it but what has surprised and frustrated me to no end is HIS family. Thats right his family... they still bring her up at family dinners/bbq's talk about her like she is an angel. It has come to a point where I am unsure if I want his family around my baby... I dont know if that is right but I certainly do not feel the need to put effort into a relationship. I told SO once it made me feel like my role in his life was a joke... he eventually told them thats how I feel. Now that the baby is in the picture they seem to be getting better. I for one dont have a lot of trust unfortunately and have debated just being disengaged. BM has shown her true colors lately with the generous access order so I think his family is coming to their senses slowly. That is the sole reason I havent completely written them off.
According to my SO, the only
According to my SO, the only "friends" they had were neighbors. BM didn't like to do anything, go anywhere or socialize with anyone outside her family. When I met SO he told me that he was friends with only 3 neighbors. Of the three, one was a single mother, one couple were alcoholics and the other couple were normal. My SO was so excited for me to meet and be friends with the Mrs. Alcoholic and single mom because he thought we would get along well. He said neither woman liked his ex.
One day SO and I were invited over single mom's home. Single mom and Mrs. Alcoholic took me outside and proceed to talk bad about BM. This made me feel extremely uncomfortable and my gut was telling me something wasn't right. I told SO what they said about BM and how they made me feel uncomfortable. He thought that just solidified the fact that neither woman liked his ex. I told him not to trust either woman - something was not right. I am very leery of people who give me too much information about themselves or bad mouths someone the first time I meet them. Thank heavens I followed my gut and didn't say anything negative about BM. My SO, didn't listen to me because he only sees the good in everyone. BM took SO to court, and guess who was there as a witness for BM? Single mom. Single mom was feeding BM information about SO. SO was furious. I told SO that single mom would try to repair their relationship because summer was coming and he had a built in pool that she and her daughter had unlimited access to in prior years. I was right. Single mom tried on several occasions to make things "right" between them, but he refused to speak to her again.
2 years later, SO gets a text from Mrs. Alcoholic asking if he wanted to do a community yard sale. He said he was interested, but she never mentioned it again. I didn't think much of it at the time, but 2 months later BM took SO back to court to start the process to have the house auction off in accordance with the divorce decree. Then it dawned on me that Mrs. Alcoholic knew what BM was about to do and she was actually taunting SO.
SO realized he had no friends who he could trust. Pretty sad situation when people abuse what you thought was a trusted friendship.
Needless to say, I do not trust anyone who has a connection to BM.
BM and DH didn't really have
BM and DH didn't really have friends together - they had their respective friends but I would only say one guy that was DH's friend considered himself to be a friend of BM as well. Which I feel like he was probably forced to do because when he was younger (he is about 8yrs younger than DH) DH allowed him and his parents to live with them for a while as the mother had a stroke and the dad could barely afford rent due to her not working.
However after they moved out this guy still came around and even during the divorce tried to be cordial to BM....until the Christmas after they split he saw BM completely flip-flop on what was going to happen and when DH could get SS for Christmas complete last minute. He also truly saw how much SS and her eldest son disrespected her --- SS was 3 at the time and looked at his mom and called her a p*ssy because she let him open one gift and it was batteries and he wanted the gift that went with it. Before BM had discounted it to DH's job and everything being hard when they acted up however they knew that BM would run to DH and even at work DH would try semi discipline/talk to the kids and they now knew that she was unable to do that or at least her eldest did and SS followed his lead.
This friend said that truly opened his eyes to what she really allowed to go on, and to see her true colors. His new wife at the time had barely known BM so I don't count her as a 'friend'. They have told us many stores that happened soon after the divorce up until she moved in to Section 8 as the house her and DH shared 'had bad memories'. I think the wife still has limited contact with BM as BM friended her on Facebook and will make comments every once in a while as she wanted her on her side rather than to see the truth. This friend now hates BM but says she keeps her friended just so she can see if she's talking crap about us and warn of us of any possible major mood swings on BM's part. This couple loves DH and I however and we have them for dinner and have helped them out when they needed it and the husband comes and mows the yard while DH is gone so I don't have to and there will be limited BM talk so it's all good.
The only other people that DH took around BM as 'friends' hate her guts as well and it is his bestfriend who went through a divorce around the same time so I am unsure if his wife is friend's with BM which I doubt and undoubtedly his best friend is on our side and though thinks I am to cocky I think likes me as well.
I have met some of DH and
I have met some of DH and BM's former friends and lucky for me no one liked her at all. She was/is an alcoholic and the only time she was endurable was when she was drunk.
For the sake of moving on
For the sake of moving on without drama, DH cut ties with anyone who chose to remain friends with BM. At least, he thought he had.
He's recently run into a couple, who used to BE a couple when him & BM were still together. He ran into the guy several months ago at a gas station & they exchanged phone numbers & have talked a few times.
In catching up, they discussed their exes (BM & friend's ex were besties back in the day.) Friend's ex is the one who introduced BM to crack cocaine. Of course, BM spiraled & things went sour with her & DH, & friend's ex ended up leaving friend for BM's dad. (*shudder*) She took friend for everything he had. He told DH about how she screwed him out of family money & put him in serious debt trying to get her paws on settlement money he had coming his way. It was like they were competing for the title of who had the shittiest ex.
So, a week or so later I'm perusing BM's FB friends, & I noticed this guy & his ex were "friends" with BM. :?
I asked DH if friend had made any mention of this in their catching up, & DH said no. I dug into friend's FB friend's, & discover he's in regular contact with this ex. They're commenting on each other's pics & exchanging well wishes on all their status updates, etc. There were no signs of things gone wrong between them.
I mentioned it to DH again & he just said, no biggie. They've been out of touch for years. It wouldn't hurt him any to leave it that way.
We ran into friend's ex at the grocery store just last week. DH saw her in one of the aisles & started moving quicker to get out unseen, & don't you know she made her way to the checkout line right behind us. Of course, she started up the "friendlies"...asking about the kids & how was BM doing, as though she hadn't been in touch with her in forever.
DH played along, & it kind of pissed me off. Why would she pretend like she was clueless about BM, & why in the hell would DH pretend like he didn't know she was?
Too much drama, IMO. BM slept with most of his friends while they were together. That's what ended it for him with most of their mutual friends. Most he runs into now he just walks the other way.
Well, yes, but they aren't
Well, yes, but they aren't really her friends as most didn't like her, they just hung out in the same crowd. And when the ones that did like her realized she had been trying to use them to get to DH, they started disliking her too.
The truth always comes out, but when you're fake, people will pick up on it.
There are two guys who, despite everything, choose to be friends with her, even though she had told other people she didn't like them. One being DH's ex best friend. Funny, both guys have issues with relationships and women, probably she fed on that.
UGH! I can totally
UGH! I can totally sympathize. My fiance is super duper close with BM's mom and dad. "Grampy" comes over all the time and helps fiance with house projects. Fiance was even crazy enough to suggest we all go on a weekend trip together to Boston! I have nothing against these people, they are nice enough, but I have no desire to hang out with them and I think it's really weird that my fiance is still close (enmeshed) with them. He even wants to invite them to the wedding! I feel like he's living in the past and that this is stopping him from moving forward with creating "our" new family. Any thoughts?
I would put a big stop to
I would put a big stop to this personally... I get that the BMs in our life aee rude and crappy people overall. This though is highly disrespectful to her. She prolly has to sit around family functions and hear about him. Most likely feels like she doesn't have any family support nore does she want to be around them because she would have to deal with her ex. He needs to back off and move on with his life so she can actually be a part of her family and move on with hers. Doesnt mean never speaking to them again or even telling them not to come over but stays to that. ... No going over to their homes, going on trips or being part of family get togethers Every one should be able to move on and it sounds like you are struggling aswell.
Mine and my ex's families are
Mine and my ex's families are like this. My brother and his partner remained friends with my ex, for the kids sake they said, it doesn't really bother me, but I know my ex's partner hates it! I do feel for her whenever my brother plans w/e trips with my ex, I think it's disrespectful towards ex's partner who has already voiced her feelings on the matter.
Also my ex's family still give me Christmas presents every year and invite me to events, again, something that ex's partner doesn't like.
I feel bad, I know that she doesn't want my presence shoved in her face all the, I know there are no ulterior motives anywhere, everyone knows we're broken up for good etc, the r/s that have continued have NOTHING to do with the ex and i... But, there is a woman in the middle of all this who gets incredibly upset, I really do wish everyone would see that and respect her wishes.
It would just be nice to have
It would just be nice to have BM in our situation tell his family "no" and not feed off of their attention. It really bothers SO because he cannot even be in the same room with her being that it is so high conflict. It has come down to SO's family inviting BM to things and SO not feeling like he has a place in his families life which is sad. He has asked BM to back off and she does not seem to care.
You are a much more patient
:jawdrop: You are a much more patient woman than me! I don't even know where to begin. Does your DH know you are uncomfortable with this. There is no way I could do it. I just don't have it in me.
no. when you divorce and
no. when you divorce and REMARRY, either the old friends choose you or you make new friends that fit in with your new life and does not make your partner uncomfortable. the suckiness of divorce is far-reaching. to messy otherwise. I can barely stand it when ss brings a friend (one of bm's friends' kid) with him for visitation. but I've heard the kid say a few negative things about bm, so he's cool. ha!
Lol, I did tell SO that if I
Lol, I did tell SO that if I meet his friends and they start talking about BM, I'll start talking about her too, except, I don't have any 'nice' stories to share }:) can imagine how awkward that will be eh, Lol
LOL That is good! Did he
He told me that I'm being
He told me that I'm being childish and that it's not fair on his friends b/c they don't 'know' BM like we do so it'll just be awkward for everyone. Then he said he'd talk to his friends and tell them not to mention BM b/c it's a sore spot for me :jawdrop: [I got mad] he back peddled and then said he'd tell them that BM is being a nightmare for both of us and that WE don't want to talk about her.. bit better
**UPDATE** We ended up having
**UPDATE**
We ended up having a big fight over it. After giving it some thought and taking to heart that this is something that is important to SO, I decided that I would give it a go and meet his friends yesterday, BUT I had already told my brother and his partner that I would take the kids to go visit them (that was going to be my escape), so I would have to do that either before or after meeting up with his friends..
Well, for a day and a half he tried to get in touch with this couple, they didn't answer/return his calls or texts, SO was getting really frustrated.. he took out his frustrations ON ME :jawdrop:
I already have to deal with being his dumping ground when BM eff's with his life, I couldn't handle taking the fallout from his friends frustrating him them AND THEN having to meet and be pleasant to them, gosh NO! So I told him I changed my mind, I'm not interested in meeting them right now.
He had the gall to tell me "YOU are not being fair to me and what's important to me, I'm telling [therapist] that you wont meet people who are important to me and my life, he's going to tell you that you have to!" Lol, yeah, I don't think so buddy!
My SO has a problem of making HIS feelings and opinions MORE important than mine, I'm getting sick of it.
He's going to tell on you?
He's going to tell on you? WOW! That sounds mature. Seems like your SO has just as much of a entitlement issue as most BM's on here.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
HE is going to tell the
:jawdrop: HE is going to tell the therapist! LOL Cant wait to hear what they have to say about this!
My wife and I are very good
My wife and I are very good friends with one of my very close friends and his wife. This friend was a friend of both my XW and I during our dating engagment, wedding, married and divorcing days.
But, he has not spoken to my XW since we were going through our divorce. People of character do not remain friends with skanky adulterous whores. He dated my XSIL for a while and had his own experiences with that particular brand of crazy at about the same time I was going through my divorce.
This friend and his wife married a couple of weeks after my wife and I married and both couples just celebrated our 19th anniversaries.
Just asked SO what he would
Just asked SO what he would do if his good mutual friend was closer and they remained good friends with BM (they sort of do from what we can tell). I asked him what he would do if they always brought up the past, which they dont. He said he would have no problem bringing it up... it would bother him to much not to. Not sure if that helps you out or not.