SD keeps telling me how she feels rather than her dad!
SD has issues with her dad. She really doesn't enjoy being here with him as there always seems to be some issue that comes up where he blames her for BM's issues and then all hell breaks loose.
She has been texting me a lot since her last visit how she doesn't want DH to take her out for a special dinner for her sweet 16 next month because she doesn't want him to spend money he doesn't have on her. She is so worried about money issues with both parents. She just wants to stay home and rent a movie but he won't listen to her and insists on taking her out for dinner. She expressed this to him at her last visit but he would have none of it. He is GOING to take her out. She is really uncomfortable with this and doesn't want to go. I am not going to let DH know this as it is SD's issue to bring up with him. However she doesn't text or call her dad about anything and instead talks to me because I know she is much more comfortable expressing her opinions to me.
When DH finds out that SD texting me or called me then he gets mad that she doesn't contact him. I am tired of being the middleman yet SD isn't comfortable telling DH how she feels because he doesn't listen.
He needs to stop telling his
He needs to stop telling his daughter that he"s broke.
Dad shouldn't be
Dad shouldn't be smack-talking Mom OR telling kiddo he's broke.
How about suggesting a middle ground for her bday, though? Takeout & a movie, instead of dinner out or someone cooking.
Or, explain to kiddo that Dad wants to do something "grown-up" with her for this big bday. And to let him have that moment. That he's been saving for it. My daughter would have loved her Dad to take her to dinner for her 16th. Hell - she'd have loved it if he CALLED her on her 16th. Or 15th. 17th. 18th. 19th.....
I read it once and picked up
I read it once and picked up on the daughter is worried about both parent's financial situations. If the girl is against the father taking her out and spending money 'he doesn't have' (OP's words)obviously this daughter is getting the idea from somewhere. She's under the impression both parents are having hardships.
Yeah he has NOT told her he's
Yeah he has NOT told her he's broke. He gives her the impression that he has money to take her out for things but he really doesn't. BM upped his child support last year and he has said in her presence before that he doesn't bring home much now because of BM raking him over the coals on child support. SD has picked up on just how much neither side has for money and wants them both to stop buying silly things. I totally agree, but DH is going to do what he wants and his outlook is apparently "Damn it SD you are going to go out for a nice dinner with me on your birthday and you WILL have a good time!" The more she protests about it the angrier he will get.
She shouldn't know anything
She shouldn't know anything about the money issues. I know sometimes it is hard to hide it in certain situations but she shouldn't know enough to be worrying about it she is still the child. It also sounds like your DH needs counseling on dealing with his feelings that relate with BM...I'm sure SD shows some of BM's traits like any kid would but that does not give him the right to blame and attack SD.
It is her birthday maybe without being a middle man you can mention to DH that maybe financially it would be worth just doing take out - I know it still makes you somewhat of a middle man but it is HER birthday and it seems like the only hope to compromise...
I disagree with your first
I disagree with your first point. At almost 16 there is DEFINITELY a need for her to understand the financial climate of her family - both mom and dad's households.
At 16 she is old enough to recognize the need for getting a job herself to help support her family. Indirectly. By getting a job she will have her own spending money which reduces some of the stress on the parents to provide for the "extras" like movies, eating out with friends, trendy clothes etc.
I agree wholeheartedly that Dad shouldn't be ragging on her mother in front of her though. That is NEVER helpful.
If Dad truly can't afford to take her out in a big splash for her birthday, then her suggestion is fine. Why not recognize that she's being a very sensible young lady?
I am not saying that the
I am not saying that the child should not know anything about money or managing it. However if you ready what I put "but she shouldn't know enough to be worrying about it she is still the child. which shows I am not saying to keep her completely in the dark but apparently this child knows/has picked up on enough for her to have personal concern.
I understand she is old enough to get a job as well - which I am not opposing. This is not my thread so I was just viewing giving my opinion. At 5 we discuss the value of money and being wise with my SS, when we are at the store for very comparable products such as the name brand Nutella vs. Kroger Nutella which has had both and we look at prices to see what would be more reasonable, so that if that day we are going to the store to get him a toy that difference will go towards him and he can see how saving can help us get other nice things. We help him learn the value of money and what it is like to save for a toy he wants - we sometimes go in halves but he has learned to be reasonable. I am in no way saying that a child recognizing value of money, and being able to do stuff on their own even on such a minuet level that we do with SS isn't a good idea.
And please tell me where I
And please tell me where I said they went to the 16yr old about money problems? All I am saying is from what I've read and my understanding the teenager has taken it upon herself to have a personal worry about it.
I know SS knows we have more than BM, and that both households have our ups and downs with money. Just because I am someone to not make it as apparent to the child because I would sacrifice rather than cut most things out for SS does not mean he is being treated like a idiot.
I know that my mom shared more with me about money than I will with SS or my kids. Everyone has their own way of handling stuff and considering I paid for college without loans or help, and SS has seen that and my struggles as DH and I have our account and then we each have separate I never once lacked on my part of the bills when I was paying for my school, yes DH offered to help but it was proof to myself I could do it. Kids pick up on everything but like I said when it comes to our joint account DH and I would sacrifice before we let SS see certain things. Mind you I am also dealing with a 5 yr old not a 16yr old.
At 16 she may pick up on
At 16 she may pick up on financial struggles without parents saying anything. Youu start to notice where you live, what cars your parents drive, where you buy clothes, etc etc at that age.
My SD feels more comfortable talking to me than to her bios. She's only 6 but any 'serious' question she asks me vs them. If it warrants concern, I talk to DH about it. If not, we keep it between us. I would tell SD to talk to DH about it again, & maybe let him know before hand that he needs to calm down & listen to her wants. Also I would reassure her that money issues aren't for her to worry about. She's too young to have that stress right now.
The thing I DON'T understand
The thing I DON'T understand is why she is so anti going out to a nice dinner with her dad and making a big deal about how she doesn't want him to spend money on her but she has both left me a note and sent me an email telling me she wants a $65 makeup kit for her birthday. Probably the same amount a dinner with dad would cost! If she doesn't want dinner then she shouldn't want an expensive gift!
How?
How?
Maybe she would prefer the
Maybe she would prefer the make up instead of the dinner. She might be being considerate here. Not asking for both and to be honest, once the meal is over, that's that money and meal gone. At least this way she will have the make up for a little while. Anyway, it's her birthday it should be her choice.
Chickadee. You sad you don't understand why she is so anti going out with dad I think you answered that yourself in your original post. Dad won't listen to her, and she is uncomfortable with talking to him.
^^ This - just because she