A Blended Family is not for me
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Am I a horrible person for admitting that a blended family is not for me? I have an 8 yr old son. I have been married for a year and he has a 7 year old who is chocked full of issues because his parenting skills lack. And his ex's parenting skills lack as well. It is always something. Every day. I am just exhausted.
How do you become a better step parent when the feelings just aren't there? And your husband is demanding you to show more affection that you don't think you are capable of. He said I need to love her like my own. I just cannot.
^^^agree
^^^agree
I am sure he would say my
I am sure he would say my son. I know he cares; most of the time. But I think that is because he wants a son. I didn't come into this marriage wanting a daughter. I knew she came with the package, but all the ex headaches and the child headaches, I wasn't prepared for. He said that I keep her in an emotional void because I focus more on her health and hygiene (which both mom and dad lack) and don't give hugs and kisses.
I just got done reading an
I just got done reading an article that was extremely helpful. You don't have to love his child like your own. And you don't have to feel guilty about it either. Your husband needs to understand that adjustments take time. It doesn't happen over night. That whole "love him love his children" thing is not always the case. You can accept and care about the child but you don't have to be a "mother" to him/her. That's where some spouses have it all wrong. They have unrealistic expectations of you. And sometimes you have some of yourself. He needs to step up and parent his child. You can support him but being that it's his child with someone else, they need to readjust their parenting skills now that they're separated and stop expecting you to fill in the gaps.
According to his rules and
According to his rules and regulations, yes I do have to love her like my own. I told him she has a mother and father that can handle all the hugs and kisses, but when it comes to health and hygiene, both of them care nothing at all. She has had a discharge for almost a year that he didn't want to address. Always fought me that it was pee. And the mother is clueless. Didn't even know she had a problem or was even leaving disgusting thick poop marks in her underwear. Still battling on how to wipe properly. It's just not a concern for either of them. It's about how cute she looks and how smart she is and how great pageants are.
And thank you Mrsbautumn.
And thank you Mrsbautumn. Your words were very encouraging.
I think it's unfair for bio
I think it's unfair for bio parents to demand the step parent to love their child like their own. It just aint gonna happen. You can like them like you would your neighbor's kids, or your best friend's kids or nieces and nephs, but not like your own bio. I have zero love or like for my skids, but I tolerate them b/c I love my husband.
I'm with you on that...I have
I'm with you on that...I have zero love or like towards my skid, and you are a better woman than I because I don't even tolerate that brat, I steer clear! But I love my husband, I am just in this for HIM, skid is just an unfortunate part of the "deal". :sick:
^^ Same here, Tasha.
I've said this enough times
I've said this enough times here on these boards but it's worth repeating. Tell your husband "Remember what the genie said to Aladdin? You cannot wish for someone to fall in love!" Even if the will is there and the conditions are ripe, no human being can be made to fall in love with another (adult or child). We are just not wired that way. Now, out of respect for your spouse, you can care for his child, provide for the child, nurture the child, ect., but he cannot expect you to love him as your own flesh and blood. Maybe, hopefully, in time those feelings will come but broaching the issue just puts added stress on a family dynamic that is already stressful.
You need to get the book
You need to get the book Stepmonster.
Here is a helpful review. Couldn't have said it better myself, I find this review hit the nail on the head.
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"Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.
Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."
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Here is the author's website
http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/
That book really helped me.
I've been married to my
I've been married to my husband for 7 years now and I don't love my SD14. I care about her and like her, but probably will never love her. She just has caused too many problems for me to feel that way towards her. She doesn't love me and sometimes I think she doesn't like me too much either. Sometimes I don't like her and her behavior. She can be a little brat sometimes and she is rude to me. Her mom probably told her she doesn't have to listen to me. I'm here because I love my husband. I have to put up with the daughter to be married to him. I do have a lot of fun with her, but being a Step-Mom is hard. But I'm in this for the long haul and I'm happy for the most part, my husband makes it worth it.
Thank you all for the words
Thank you all for the words of encouragement. He is definitely pushing me to love his daughter which is causing me to have the opposite reaction.
I think all these bioparents
I think all these bioparents expect us to love their kids like our own. Unfortunately, I don't think that is possible- they ARE NOT our kids. I don't love my SD at all and I am willing to admit that. But I'm not married to SD. I am married to DH. SD is just something I have to deal with. I am not mean to her- I try to include her things and be nice to her, but no I don't love her and I would much rather NOT have her in my home. But I deal.