How to disengage as a custodial SAHM?
I know this topic has been discussed many times but if anyone has any tips you could give me as to "do's" and "don'ts" that would be helpful. I'm currently in a situation where DH works literally all the time and I am stuck watching SS9 who is a huge handful. He lies, steals, and requires attention like you would give a 3 year old. I am close to my breaking point. BM has basically given up on SS and says she can't handle him anymore and only sees him one weekend every 2 months or so. DH has pretty much given me all control concerning discipline and other things that pertain to SS. To be honest I liked having that control. I can control what goes on inside my house and keep things safe and out of the reach of SS. But now SS has told DH and I he wants to go back to live with his mom. Obviously I wouldn't have a problem with that. I care about the kid but it's nothing like the love and patience I have for my daughter, DD1. DH is heartbroken and thinks its because I've been too hard on SS. I will admit it, I am hard on him. I keep on him and make sure he's not destroying stuff, eating things he's not supposed to, not going too far on his bike, things like that. When he does wrong, I ground him or take away privileges. These are all the things I would do for my own child, and because he is currently living with us, it only feels right that he obey all the rules I have for children in my house and in my care. I don't think my punishments for him are excessive, but yes they are not fun and meant to deter him from behaviors like that in the future.
I now realize that I may very well have to disengage. I just don't see what else I could do. Yes I will still help and support DH. But everything that requires decision making and discipline should be DH's responsibility.
Thanks for reading. If you have any advice, please give me some new perspective on this...
Who has the primary residence
Who has the primary residence as written in the divorce decree? In our state, a child cannot choose to live with the non-residential parent until 14. With that said, you will have a hard time disengaging when skid lives with you and DH is not at home.
I say this, because I am in
I say this, because I am in the same boat. In therapy now to find a way to disengage when one of my skids lives with us.
BM has full custody
BM has full custody officially. But she voluntarily "gave up" custody, at least temporarily to my DH as of last June. DH is in the process of finding a lawyer to finalize things
Please talk to DH about your
Please talk to DH about your role in the family as the papers get finalized. Unless DH wants to hire outside care as suggested below, you will not be able to disengage from daily interactions unless your DH can be more present. That means developing tougher skin for when skid says he wants to live with mom, bc he will say it...they all do. You will just have papers saying he can't move out til he reaches the age of consent.
DH needs to find alternate
DH needs to find alternate care for his kid if he can't be there to watch him. You can't completely disengage from a kid who is in your care if there is no one else to take over.
What good would disengaging and leaving the hard stuff to DH really accomplish if he's never there?
Keep in mind it's hard on this kid too. His mom dumped him after letting him pretty much run the show .. now he's stuck with a stepmom who enforces rules and doesn't let him get away with anything. Of COURSE he wants to go back to mom!
Hang in there .. I know it can't be easy. Your DH really really needs to step up and provide some relief for you.
Of course SS wants to return
Of course SS wants to return to the parent who doesn't require anything of him, where he rules the roost, and can do whatever he wants. Try to put it to your DH that way, and try to get him to see that you are SS's only hope to have a normal life.
I feel your pain newmommy05.
I feel your pain newmommy05. I don't like my skid, and never have (gotta start there)I have skid fulltime (he's 10) and he's never been made to do a damn thing for himself by an entire family who ignored AUTISM (???) for 5 years before I came into DH's life. I have pretty much disengaged from Skid just a few months ago. I no longer parent him, and I no longer ride DH's ass about his lack of parenting him. Skid has severe gross/fine motor delays for which we (I should say I) got him into outpatient phys and occ therapies a few years ago. Skid just got KICKED OUT of occ therapy for 'lack of progress'. The kid is 10 yrs old and can't twist off the cap on a bottle of aquafina! But DH won't do his 'at-home' exercises, and hell if i'm doing his job for him, so skid is DONE with a therapy he desperately needs. Oh and every week after pt/ot, that kid comes home with a 600 plus calorie milkshake from wawa as his 'reward' for BEING GOOD at therapy (skid is fat and does zero exercise)....OMFG, That was it. At that point, I said to God: "i'm giving this to you, I can't fight for a child who's own parent won't fight for him; I can't do it anymore, no more IEP meetings, no more dr. appts, nothing. This turkey's DONE".....and in all honesty, it's working well for me. I work fulltime again thank GOD, so my only dealings with skid are when i'm home from work and on weekends. DH is usually there during those times, so that's his job. I can't tell you the last time skid and I even spoke to eachother to be honest. He's like a tenant that's in my house, he's a physical presence, that's about it. And the CHIPS ARE GOING TO FALL HARD on my DH when they fall, when in 8 years or less, a school, somebody informs him that the best his kid is ever going to be able to do is ASSISTED LIVING.....it will be his cross to bear, alone. I tried. Good luck to you!