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How to disengage as a custodial SAHM?

newmommy05's picture

Submitted by newmommy05 on Mon, 09/16/2013 - 12:08pm

I know this topic has been discussed many times but if anyone has any tips you could give me as to "do's" and "don'ts" that would be helpful. I'm currently in a situation where DH works literally all the time and I am stuck watching SS9 who is a huge handful. He lies, steals, and requires attention like you would give a 3 year old. I am close to my breaking point. BM has basically given up on SS and says she can't handle him anymore and only sees him one weekend every 2 months or so. DH has pretty much given me all control concerning discipline and other things that pertain to SS. To be honest I liked having that control. I can control what goes on inside my house and keep things safe and out of the reach of SS. But now SS has told DH and I he wants to go back to live with his mom. Obviously I wouldn't have a problem with that. I care about the kid but it's nothing like the love and patience I have for my daughter, DD1. DH is heartbroken and thinks its because I've been too hard on SS. I will admit it, I am hard on him. I keep on him and make sure he's not destroying stuff, eating things he's not supposed to, not going too far on his bike, things like that. When he does wrong, I ground him or take away privileges. These are all the things I would do for my own child, and because he is currently living with us, it only feels right that he obey all the rules I have for children in my house and in my care. I don't think my punishments for him are excessive, but yes they are not fun and meant to deter him from behaviors like that in the future.
I now realize that I may very well have to disengage. I just don't see what else I could do. Yes I will still help and support DH. But everything that requires decision making and discipline should be DH's responsibility.
Thanks for reading. If you have any advice, please give me some new perspective on this...

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twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Mon, 09/16/2013 - 12:51pm

You mentioned in another blog about SS's ADHD, but I didn't see anything about treatments. Is SS taking anything to help him stop and think and help him control his impulses? If not, I think you place to start is a good check up at his ped. dr. Meds might help if he's not on them or they may need adjusted if he's been growing.

There are also ADHD support groups were parents can get and share different ways of coping and parenting tactics that work. Disengaging if you're a 24/7 SAHSM with DH working lots of hours isn't really something you would be able to do successfully. You may have to make a chart for daily expectations and put them up where SS can read and reread them. Yeah, repeating is something that is needed, but the list hanging where child can read 1)make bed 2) brush teeth 3) put dirty clothes in hamper....blah blah blah sometimes helps with having to repeat repeat. A simple, go look at chart for what's next, eases the frustration over routine daily stuff. Also when verbally given directions/instructions keep it short. a couple steps at a time. Give the kid a verbal list of six things and they'll forget #5 and 6 long before #2 or #3 is completed. You might also have to remind him to keep moving. Shut off the tv or the like or you'll find him distracted by a show as he walks through the room on his way to empty trash. Yes, you have to keep him on track. With that said, ADHD is not to be used as an excuse that he can't do something. He can. You just have to keep him focusing on keep moving. Shut off the tv, take the distracting toy away. You need his full attention when you address him to do a task.

Lock the food up. He's not eating because he's hungry, he's nibbling because it's there and readily available. Put stuff behind a locked cupboard and be sure you keep things like carrot sticks and apples ready to nibble on in the fridge. It's a compulsive eating, if he can't get at it he'll forget about it or at least realize he's not getting it until you hand it out. When you are disciplining, best too send him to his room unless he settles a bit and then call him out to discuss the wrong behavior and what the penalty will be. Sometimes if you were to do that right away their impulses take over and the 'scene' escalates. Best to settle it down a bit and then deal with it.

Lots of little things you can try to help him learn self discipline and ease your own frustrations. But you also need breaks. If SS is in school Mon-Fri 8 to 3 now, that will help some. But with Dh working so much you also need time to be able to do things for just you and mother/daughter things that don't include SS. There should be times were SS has father/son time, or SS signs up for an activity. Even hire a sitter on Friday night so you can have dinner with if not Dh a friend. You're working from home, you're a fulltime SAHM and SM and you're chasing around a 1yr old. You need time for you too.