9 year old step daughter problems HELP!!!
I will make this shourt and sweet. My fiance has a 9 year old (soon to be 10) daughter from a previous marriage. She lives with her mom 90% of the time and comes over to see us usually one day a week and sleeps over about 4 nights a month.
When I first met her 2 years ago everything was great. She was sweet and clung to me right away. We have always got along so well. Flash forward 2 years.....
She is almost 10, and your typical pre teen and full of attitude at times. We recently just had a baby of our own and she comes over a little more often to see her brother...which is a great help to me.
Last weekend when she was over I had noticed that my hair oil was gone from the bathroom after she had left. Now I wasnt too impressed and I was very nervous about even bringing it up to her dad because he always gets offended when I tell him things about his daughter. Since I didnt know for sure if she had taken it, I just told my fiance that I it was missing and was wondering if MAYBE she had borrowed it? He got very upset and basically asked me if I was implying that his daughter STOLE it. I said no...but I find it weird that its gone because I never take it out of the bathroom. We looked all over the house and then after we found nothing he says to me "Now that you mention it..I went into the bathroom before she left the other day and she had somehting in her hand and was acting very weird..looked like a small bottle" So he asked called her and asked her and she said she didnt take it and quickly hung up the phone. We asked her mom and she looked through her bag and didnt find anything. 2 days later she fessed up to her mom that she had spilled it and was scared I would be mad so she threw out the bottle.
So I decided just to drop it...but deep down im still pissed because it wasnt cheap stuff to buy!! I feel like she is going to be using my stuff and that I should hide it?! Shes not even a teenager yet...and I hate to think that my things will not be safe in my own house!! I dont dare mention this to my fiance...he would be soo mad that I even have such thoughts about his daughter. ARGHHHHH
Shes coming over again this weekend...and well...I cant help but feel mad at her. DH is always telling me "shes only a little girl...you cant treat her like an adult...she doesnt understand certin things" But to me 9 years old isnt a little girl!!!
FML....what to do what to do...should I say anything...how do I act towards her when she comes over...HELP!!!
I have never been the best at this step mom thing.
I think she's at an age where
I think she's at an age where she's experimenting with new things. Hair product, make up, etc. are all new things for her .. and she's curious. She may be a bit embarrassed or insecure about it.
She should know better about taking your things (or anything that doesn't belong to her). She should also know better than to lie about it. That can't go unaddressed, or you create a dangerous pattern. Also a problem that your DH doesn't take your side in things .. he shouldn't be accusing YOU of anything when his daughter is the culprit.
I would address this and let her know that it's not acceptable. If this is not a pattern and is completely new behavior, I don't know that I would necessarily be overly harsh on her. Also tell her that if she needs things, she can ask for them too. Maybe take her shopping another time to buy a few less expensive things of her own; but be careful to not reward this behavior.
HAHA Daddy goggles...thats an
HAHA Daddy goggles...thats an understatement!! I may bring it up to her but yes it is new behavior and I think your right shes just starting to experiment with hair products etc etc. I may buy her her own stuff sometime when we are out sometime if she would like.
It is so hard being a step parent. As much as I try and remove myself from all the drama with her and her mom its still there. I think I do a pretty good job, but there have been many times where I have cried al night. Now that I have a son of my own I kind of get it...but I dont think I would ever side with him over his dad. Even though she is biologically not mine, I do live in this house and she doesnt...and I wish we could be more of a team. Hes always scared to hurt her feelings. Oh well...this is what it is...I think i just have to accept that he will always baby her...and suck her up. In the 3 years we have been together I have seen him dicipline her once when she refused to have a shower before we were going to a family function. Most of the time she gets her way...and I always feel so helpless sitting there watching her walk all over him...it makes me sick. This is prob why I dont see her as the sweet girl he sees her as. Its always different looking in from the outside.
DH tells me she needs a postive woman role model in her life because her mom is a douche bag. He told me last week that he thought I could be that for his daughter...but now hes thinking I cant be...that I dont have it in me and hes accepting that. WTF!!!????
I told him he needs to think about what its like to eb in my shoes. He said if I had children from a past relaltionship he would never be mean to them. Easier said than done I think....and its not that Im even mean..I just tell him when I think shes walking all over him etc etc.
I guess step parents just need to shut up and put up....