Newby seaking helpful advice
Hello
I have been married for 14 years brought 2 kids to the marriage he brought 3 daughters and now we have alovely son of 13 together. As you can imagine ALLOT has gone on but i am at the point of leaving. His eldest daughter now 26 has always refused to have much to do with me, and Ive had the usual rude behavior . I haven't actually done anything other than marry her father when she was 12 even tho it was her mum who had an affair and left the marriage. I have genuine sympathy for her and know its a tough time to go through that kind of thing but she hates my guts to an abnormal level.
So I always knew she would never invite me to her wedding (she said aged 18 with no boyfriend to her father when she got married unless he came without me he wouldnt be coming! _ not even a boyfriend in sight and shes thinking that!) anyway this Jan I saw a text on his phone (yes sorry i do check) saying she was getting married on the maama mia island in Greece and she wanted to know if he was coming. usual husband behavior he hadn't replied (so no doubt she thought I was giving him a hard time) so after 5 days waiting for him to tell me I got my head round it all and said Ive seen shes invited you oh dear sort of thing very difficult but ofcourse you need to go. She hadn't even invited our son which i found very upsetting but i genuinely was so proud of myself how i reacted, and we had a big cuddle and he said nothing would ever split us up and he loved me and was mad at her but what can he do. My husband said he didn't really want to go as would be awkward with his ex and her new hubby etc and he'd be on his own so i said no worries lets make a family holiday of it and you go to the wedding and me and our son can do something nice that day then everybody is happy.I was so pleased and it was lovely to see my husband happy that we had a plan to cope with a situation we had always dreaded. So he texted her saying yes he would love to come to which she replied I need to make it clear SHE ie me isnt invited. I still kept calm so he texted back saying yes you've made that clear but we are coming on holiday as a family and just I will come to the wedding. She didnt reply back to that as I knew shed be pretty pissed i hadn't caused a scene or acted up.
So the next thing is i find out from him shes phoned him and said im not allowed on the island!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOO can you imagine how I felt but i thought Im going to have to see how you react to this im not gona start getting upset telling you what you can and cant do, this is up to you now and i waited for 2 months and he didn't get back to her to say that wasnt going to happen. He had said he thought she was being vindictive and was out of order but he didnt actually say so no i wont be coming. I felt so hurt. If i brought it up he would just clam up so I left home when he was away working. I was gone for 6 weeks but its difficult when you do love somebody and so I slipped back into the relationship to then find out shes pregnant. Ofcourse I will never get to see the baby or be with him when he holds his first grandchild and its breaking my heart.
I am so close to my kids, we have a beautiful home in rural France, people probably look at me and think wow shes so lucky. My husband adores me, our son is so precious and has an idyllic childhood and hes the best dad in the world to him. So i have so much to be happy for but its tearing me up and i don't know if I should stay and cope with the hurt or just get out and try my best to move on and remove myself from such an ongoing hurtful situation. I feel its toxic and could very well make me ill.
I would love some advice - its easy to say leave him but it would be nice to receive experience of people who have stuck it out and its got better?
I think there is great truth
I think there is great truth in your comment that it is toxic and may make you ill. Only if you let it. The toxicity is a problem. My SD17 is similar but has never played her hand to that extent at this stage. btw good on you for being so controlled and restrained about the wedding debacle. So sad that you left for 6 weeks in the end and unbelievable that you were not wanted on the island itself. Was that a bad time for you or did it help to get away?
At the moment I am blaming myself because I think I am too obsessed with this negative in my life. Like you I can see what a wonderful life I have with love and support everywhere and just one are of toxicity. I too want to let it go. Some people on this site appear to have divorced themselves successfully from the bad stuff and have moved on. Lets learn together.
Was your SD, like mine, in love with her daddy so she was poisonously jealous of you and could not let it go? Just trying to understand the motivation.
Well said and very true just
Well said and very true just a mom. But I have to add, what the hell where you and your husband thinking allowing her to ban you from the island. Why on earth did your dh allow her to do that, what's more, why did you accept it.
Your husband is the problem, your sd only behaves the way he allows, and by this wedding performance, encourages her to behave
Unless she owns that island, you had every right to go.
Your husband went their knowing his ex wife's husband was invited and his daughter wouldn't even let you on the island. I see that as a huge betrayal. Expect many more, because you tolerated it. Sure, you left for 6 weeks. But you came back, seemingly under the same old terms if you are worried now about her becoming pregnant.
Before you returned you should have talked this over with your husband. You should have worked out where you stood. If it was firmly behind SD, you shouldn't have gone back.
My husbands daughter is like yours. She did get pregnant. She let daddy come to the hospital to see the baby. She literally shoved that baby in his face, insisting quite loudly, that he hold it. Then, bang. After she had tantalised him with his new granddaughter, she told him if he ever wanted to see her child, he'd have to leave me. That was over two years ago and he hasn't seen that child.
I can't believe your husband allowed her to keep you off that island, my God, the power he handed her, and worse, you went along with it.
Well said and very true just
Well said and very true just a mom. But I have to add, what the hell where you and your husband thinking allowing her to ban you from the island. Why on earth did your dh allow her to do that, what's more, why did you accept it.
Your husband is the problem, your sd only behaves the way he allows, and by this wedding performance, encourages her to behave
Unless she owns that island, you had every right to go.
Your husband went their knowing his ex wife's husband was invited and his daughter wouldn't even let you on the island. I see that as a huge betrayal. Expect many more, because you tolerated it. Sure, you left for 6 weeks. But you came back, seemingly under the same old terms if you are worried now about her becoming pregnant.
Before you returned you should have talked this over with your husband. You should have worked out where you stood. If it was firmly behind SD, you shouldn't have gone back.
My husbands daughter is like yours. She did get pregnant. She let daddy come to the hospital to see the baby. She literally shoved that baby in his face, insisting quite loudly, that he hold it. Then, bang. After she had tantalised him with his new granddaughter, she told him if he ever wanted to see her child, he'd have to leave me. That was over two years ago and he hasn't seen that child.
I can't believe your husband allowed her to keep you off that island, my God, the power he handed her, and worse, you went along with it.
"When I was focusing on his
"When I was focusing on his other children, WE were focused on them. When I stopped focusing on his other children, he stopped focusing on them." That statement really resonates with me. I have been completely obsessed with everything SD does, right, wrong or indifferent. I complained, nothing changed, she complained she didn't like our rules, she complained I was rude, he felt conflicted and we fought. When we had time together we spent it talking about her. One of my biggest complaints has been how my SD and her drama has completely taken over my life. Looking back it only take over when I let it. Once before we were married SD confided in me that she felt abandoned by DH. He frequently complained she only called when she wanted money or a ride. He's not perfect, but I could see that he was trying. My advise to her (and him) was if she was unhappy with the relationship she should look at how her own actions have lead to the strain and focus on making what changes she could to improve things because ultimately the only person you can control is you. Maybe it's time to take my own advise.
It's funny how sometimes we can't see something that is so clear.
That is an amazing post
That is an amazing post thankyou so much x
Maybe this sounds silly but
Maybe this sounds silly but does she own the island? If you want to go how exactly would she stop you from vacationing while on the same island she is getting married on.
Did the wedding already
Did the wedding already occur? I wasn't sure from your post (not sure if it's pregnancy before wedding). If so I wouldn't let her dictate whether or not you could go to the island. Really, that's overstepping. I don't think your husband should have mentioned you were planning on going as it's none of her business. Honestly, though, the island would be ruined for me so I'd probably jet set to a favorite destination instead. Since your husband allows her to set the terms, let him pay the consequences by going alone.
Now that she's married with a baby on the way she will probably have far less time to focus on you. I really think it will get better from here. She may try to use the grandbaby thing against you but if you're disengaged you probably won't care. Let DH go see baby and dote on him/her and go on with your life. She made it very clear that you aren't a part of her life so you know the baby won't be either.
You're fortunate in a way. A lot of people on here had great expectations of having a grandchild and made a lot of effort only to be met with rejection. You know in advance your grandma days are yet to come.
No the wedding wasnt even
No the wedding wasnt even booked before she started with asking if he was coming or not! and insisting he said yes or no their and then! We then had the months of her saying i wanst allowed on the island and him not answering either of us as in not telling her he was or wasn't going and not telling me his decision either which was what made me leave as I couldn't believe he would even consider it. She then got pregnant so the wedding that wasnt even booked is now on hold till 2015.
You husband's dtr should not
You husband's dtr should not be allowed to dictate that at all. I think the problem you are having is your husband's reaction. She put him in a terrible position, he doesn't want to lose either of you. As a dad, he needs to inform her of what's acceptable to him not vice a versa.
The weddings a ways off now. You probably don't care to go at all now. Since I have disengaged, I would be happy not to attend a wedding with people who don't care for me.
This may help explain your husbands reaction. I think he's trying to avoid the painful cortisol rush men experience in these types of situations. I'm not excusing him but I do think it explains how a lot of our men freeze up and do nothing...
http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-ebook/dp/B001PSEQ...