Hard split
So much harder than I thought
Submitted by SLTJ on Thu, 12/05/2013 - 7:19pm
Maybe some of you will remember three months ago i split from my husband after 14 years of marriage. The crunch came when his daughter 27 invited just him to her wedding and not myself or our lovely 12 year old son. I coped with that but then she said i wasn't even allowed to go on the island in Greece where her wedding was being held and i waited for four months for my husband to do something or make a decision without me interfering but he didn't. This follows 14 years of marriage when
He wanted me to leave my safe good job because it was working for my ex and so converted part of his work place into a studio for me a year after i gave birth to his baby. |He then charged me rent for it. So I had a new baby a new business baby minding fees paying half the household bills looking after my older tow children but he charged me rent.
I was taken into hospital 9 weeks before the birth and was self employed. He never offered to pay my share of the bills even tho he knew i couldn't work. Our baby was born 9 weeks early i was very ill and phoned my ex up from the hospital to ask him for money. Thats how he made me feel
Three years into our marraige i had a lump in my breast i waited 4 weeks for an apportionment fortunately was ok and then 6 months later found a letter that he his three daughters were all in BUPA (Expensice UK private health care ) he never thought to add me.
His daughter used to come to the house refuse to say hello thankyou etc made nasty comments infront of my children called me a slag and told them who i had slept with previously (aged 13)
We bought a house in France my husband felt guilty she wouldnt see it even tho we always asked her on holidays with the others (His other two daughters were fine) but she refused to come. I said it was fine to ask her even tho I knew that was my holiday ruined! He did and she said no so he said no rpoblem just me and you will go! So he took her on her own.
I could go on and on with these type of things but the problem is now he is in apsolute bits. I left in April but went back July to try again but ended up leaving again as I have now met somebody else. My husband didn't particularity try to woo me back I think he thought I was just sulking and would come round as I have done in the past. But now he knows its for real he is texting me ALL the time begging pleading promising me the earth to go back. But then he gets really nasty texting my friends and family calling me a slag a shit mother etc . Im exhausted by it all Any help?
I think you know yourself the
I think you know yourself the answer. This man has treated you second class for years. You left him. He is now realizing it and is reacting in a predictable manner. Promising you the sun and the moon, but do you really think he would be different? I doubt it....
What a roller coaster! Sorry
What a roller coaster! Sorry i cannot get over your first paragraph: your SD declared you were not allowed to go on an island in Greece where her wedding was being held? Is her last name Onassis? ( That was one famous SM - SD feud, Jackie O vs Christina Onassis, does anyone remember?) Is she delusional? That certainly takes it to new - international - heights.
Overall, I think you will be much better off without the whole entitled gang. Your husband sounds like a typical selfish narcissist who is begging you to come back - how dare you be happy without him? - at the same time as he is sending nasty-grams to your friends and family. He would not put you on his health insurance when you had potential breast cancer? Is that house in France really worth putting up with the rest of it for?
Run, take care of yourself, find someone who will love you and not call you names.
PS. Where in France though?
You will be much better
You will be much better without him and he will be alone. Even the daughter will not be around for him when he needs somebody, I guarantee you. Too bad for him.
I'm glad you have met somebody else and I hope you don't settle for an inconsiderate ass ever again. And if you find out you are dating an inconsiderate ass, leave him right away.
I have tried to be nice and
I have tried to be nice and friends - Ive left him in our beautiful home, he drives a big fancy car, Im financially independent, Ive left our son with him as they are very close as my husband works from home so he has been a really brilliant dad and i am respectful of that. I have rented a house not far away and see my son every day and we have been going out for meals watching football etc all together but then he thinks i want to get back with him and gets so angry when i say no. hes just booked to take my son to Iceland to go see the volcano on new years day! honestly he wouldn't leave our village before! What is it with men they have women that love them but they completely take the piss and think we will just carry on!
You married him, it turned
You married him, it turned out badly. You gave it a second chance. It turned out badly. What makes you think a third time will work out well.
The fact that he is texting family and friends, calling you nasty names etc., shows you nothing has changed with him.
He doesn't want you back because he has realised the error of his ways. It's just you left him, he doesn't like that. He doesn't want to look like a loser. He still only cares about him, how he looks in this. What this might cost him. It's all about HIM.
I remember this Greek Island wedding thing. You've taken the first and hardest step. Now don't go back.
Don't give him the family home. You need legal advice now. Don't send him mixed messages. It's time to stop playing happy families and make your intentions clear.
He is making me feel like Ive
He is making me feel like Ive chucked our family away when all I did was fight for it. I keep telling myself this but its so hard to stay strong as hes so depressed and has just lost it completely and makes me feel so guilty.
Of course he's trying to make
Of course he's trying to make you feel bad because HE doesn't want to take responsibility for what he's done to destroy this marriage. It eases his conscience to blame you. Cut all ties with this psycho, unless it has to do with your son, and move on. You'll never convince him of his part in this and listening to him will only make you feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty for.
People don't change. They may
People don't change.
They may for a short while, but then they always revert back to their true selves.
He is making me feel like Ive
He is making me feel like Ive chucked our family away
He is the one who did this. Don't you dare let him get away with blaming you and making you feel guilty. He did this, NOT you. If he is depressed and lost, he has only himself to blame. Tell him to call his daughter, maybe she can cheer him up.
Get a divorce, take him for
Get a divorce, take him for every penny you can including spousal support and child support.
You have had some excellent
You have had some excellent advice here. You cannot stay friends with a narcissist. Please brace yourself as, when he realises you're done (and got someone new) he will turn vile, hateful, revengeful and spiteful. There is no limit to the nastiness of these sub-humans once scorned. Is there any way you could get custody of your son? There is no doubt, as tog said, he will turn your son - and anyone else he can, against you. They see 'nice' as weakness. Don't fall for his guilt-tripping playacting. He had 14 years to show you his true colours. He can't and won't change. Please read up on narcissism/psycophathy if you haven't already. Also, learn the red flags and tread carefully with your new relationship. There are a lot of these characters about!
I'm so sorry you endured those years loving a man like that. Stop feeling guilty. You did your best in an impossible situation. Enough is enough. Now you have to be strong for yourself and your kids.
I wish you well.
Hes had so much control over
Hes had so much control over me - i don't know quite how im a successful professional i earn good money i have two grown up wonderful children from my first marriage but Ive spend years chasing something i could never get with him and his kids and i told him and told him it was all making me ill and now ive got out but he is just constant trying to grind me down 8(
Thankyou for your advice I will try my best to stay strong