Our relationship is breaking down...

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Hi everyone,

I'm not sure where else to turn. It looks like my relationship with my partner is on it's way out. He has a 15 year daughter who stays with us one week on, and the other with her mother. My relationship with my partner started not long after the marriage separation, which I feel is part of the problem.

We have been living together just under a year... it has always gone up and down, but of late SD has taken to blanking me, ignoring me, and even apparently rolling her eyes at me behind my back. She makes it blatently obvious she doesn't want me around, does nothing around the house, speaks to her dad so rudely, and he just puts up with it.

It's at the point now that i'm frightened to be home alone with her, especially if she has a friend there because it's just so tense and awkward.

She's recently been in tears and is spending more and more time with her mother rather than with us. I've told my partner I think she's close to asking to "live with her mother full time".

I feel I have tried so hard to be a decent person to live with - I cook for her, clean up after her, make her meals. I have even tried to involve myself in her life by coming to see her in theatre shows etc. It just doesn't work.

One of the final straws for me was overhearing her tell my partner one night after i had gone to bed (after she overheard us having a fight, which we don't do very often) that she heard our fight and that she was worried about our relationship "not being healthy for you dad". Incredibly manipulative - and awful too. I love my partner with all my heart.

Problem is - he knows she's pulling away and that his ex will back her up and he has started blaming the whole thing on me. I know I can't win - she finds me repulsive, no matter what I do. And my biggest crime was getting angry at how she's been treating me.

I can't help but feel the writing is on the wall - that i'll have to leave here.

I'm just so sad though - how is it that children / teenagers can have THAT much power over their parents?

Thanks for listening everyone.

Have you tried to talk to him

Have you tried to talk to him about it? What has he said? Reading this broke my heart, I swear. I could just feel your sadness through your post.

I don't have any advice, but I just want to give you a big hug through the computer.

Oh, dear... It's never good

Oh, dear... It's never good to fight in front of children. It scares them, it robs them of their sense of security, and it can make them feel like they need to defend their bioparent.
IS your relationship healthy for the both of you?
And I don't understand being "frightened" to be home with her because it's "tense." Afraid of tenseness around a teenager?!?
Teens are difficult. Maybe you could apologize for fighting with her father in front of her...
Good luck. These years are tough.

I'm not sure if it's healthy

I'm not sure if it's healthy to be honest - i'm not good at that kind of thing.

We are both passionate, positive people... so when we fight it can be very "Italian" = we've only done it twice I think, but I take your point, absolutely.

She's a very strong 15 year old - and when angry, it's palpable and I hate irrational confrontation. It's not a good combination really.

Thank you so much for the

Thank you so much for the reply. I'm really upset, but i've taken something to help me stay balanced and calm during the whole process.

I know we are dealing with a 15 year old here, but it doesn't take away from the fact that someone is trying to tear me away from the man I love, and that's just so awful. Especially in the knowledge that I just can't win here.

I have tried talking to my partner, but he's just shut down. He's closed right off, that's how I know i'm losing him. I do seem to be coping all the blame though, which is unfair - but i'm used to it.

If it gets into a place where he feels he has to choose, well then there is little choice is there? He can't stand up to his daughter, we are both not good with confrontation, and his wife is just looking for an excuse to have a go at me (even though she's never met me).

We are going to counselling next week which is something I guess.

I am so glad you are going to

I am so glad you are going to counselling together. I have been where you are now and it helped when we went to counselling. Do you have an escape plan? In my case once I got to the point where I realised I would leave and would not put up with being treated that way. It helped and everything shifted.

Big hugs.

Keep reaching out on this site.

Whilst it is healthy to look at what you think you can find in yourself to deal with this, do not beat yourself up or take on blame.

This 15 year old should not be allowed to have a discussion with her father where she is allowed to comment on your relationship. That is not ok. Sorry, your partner should and hopefully did shut that down with "Hey that is our business and we are sorry you overhead but all couples have disagreements. I do not want your ever talking in a disrespectful way about my partner."

So sorry for what you are going throuhg. If it helps, we made our way through it because we loved eachother. Teenage SDs are notorious for getting mixed up about the real truth of the relationship between them and their dads. You need him to not allow this, you are his partner not a 15 year old. Do not take the blame.

Hi Freshstart, Great to hear

Hi Freshstart,

Great to hear from you.

Did you both get to serious crisis point though? My partner has switched.. .it's like he's not even himself any more and everything is suddenly my fault.

I'm in the process of organising an escape plan. I can stay at my mother's place for a bit, but I don't have a car... long story... im' building up a business and living literally week to week... next year things will be different, ill be in a better financial position, but at the moment, i've really disempowered myself.

I know everything will be okay, but yes... can't just drive off into the sunset if you catch my meaning.

Thanks for your advice xx

ps wish I had $50 for every

ps wish I had $50 for every lovely woman who posts on here because a teenage SD is actively trying to break up her relationship.

Thanks everyone... your

Thanks everyone... your support is really appreciated.

Yes, the boundaries are not good - hopefully counselling will help us.

Good luck, this is about to

Good luck, this is about to get worse. She is just starting...My SD did everything she could to make it about me...We gave up custody of her when she sued us at 14 to live with BM. She is a brat and I am glad she is gone, but the hell she put us through was awful. I never thought a child could cause that much drama in a house. We are good now, but we have had to spend the last two years repairing the damage. Manipulation of DH was unbelievable and BM also fell for her crap.

Sorry to hear that JSmom. As

Sorry to hear that JSmom. As it stands, the whole thing is my fault.

Last night, because things have been tense he dropped her off at her mother's house, and went out and had dinner with friends. Didn't tell me until i messaged and asked where he was... and said he would be home at 10pm and didn't get home until 12.30am. These are things he would never do.

We then argued for ages, and he eventually got upset and cried and said everything was too much - work, home etc... that he does love me but we need to work on things etc.

Everything is my fault though - it's my mood swings etc. Maybe I do have those - i'm not saying I don't but in my mind it's the pressure here and the constant atmospheres. Either way, i'm happy to work on these things.

But he then told me something this morning that made my blood chill. I asked when his daughter was coming back and what he told her was the reason for her going to her mothers. He said he told her that he didn't want her in the house with things how they are, that he and I would be talking to come to a decision about things because things couldn't go on how they were.

I knew NOTHING about any of this - AND I'M HIS PARTNER. He's told his 15 year old daughter that him and I are having problems and that we were going to talk and a decision would be made about where we would go moving forward (in other words me potentially leaving).

I cannot describe how betrayed and undermined I feel by him doing that - turning his daughter into a confident and getting her involved in our relationship. Especially without me knowing about that.

How can we possibly recover from that? Even if we sort things out, she has now been made aware that I was very close to being "kicked out" without me even knowing anything about it. How am I supposed to gain any support and/or respect now?

I'm starting to think the writing is on the wall here... and i'm flogging a dead horse.

So sad.

I can understand why you

I can understand why you would feel betrayed. Not only should he have discussed this with you first, he should never have discussed it with his daughter.

Oh wow. You would be feeling

Oh wow. You would be feeling awful. Get yourself to a counsellor and talk it through. If you go with him, you can sit with the counsellor and explain how him telling his daughter about your private life made you feel. He may hear it when there is a third party in the room. Did you tell him that it is not ok to share your relationship with a 15 year old? What did he say? Maybe better to wait to see a counsellor.

I am so sad for you and relate to what you are feeling entirely.

Often your instinct is right. Every person here has some stories where DH did something disloyal and awful. However you are totally rational to be feeling very hurt and triangulated. Try really hard to divert yourself. I know it is difficult but do try. Otherwise everything will be blamed on your "personality faults" and the more upset you get, the more exposed you will be.

It comes down to the strength of your love. Unfortunately for you that is being tested and in a way that is not fair to you. Honestly if you like being at your mums I would go there asap but that is just me. You have to do it your way in your time.

Even though things are better in my house, it was a rocky road for a while and we argued just last night about "Guess what?" SD17. So the journey is hard and needs support all the way. Love yourself. Give yourself big hugs. A book called "Step Monster" is helpful. Both of us read it.

ALL we argue about is sd13.

ALL we argue about is sd13. She lies, steals, manipulates, is rude and nasty and somehow it's all my fault....

We are in the process of counselling, but unless he acknowledges her issues and we can work together to deal with them i doubt we will make it.

You are right to feel betrayed by his discussion with her about your rs. So wrong.
How long til your counselling?

That's exactly where we got

That's exactly where we got to. I went to counselling two nights ago and found it incredibly helpful. It's given me a space to vent my issues, but it's also given me some perspective on how the SD would be feeling and where her actions are coming from.

I can see that there are things that I haven't done to assist defusing the situation that haven't helped in the mix either.

The only way my partner and I will make it through this is if we work through our issues individually and both consciously make a decision to work together to fix things.

The main problem I have is... I am willing to do this... my partner had his counselling session with the same therapist as me last night, and he messaged me saying he felt better but that the therapist said that he was suffering emotional trauma and is close to a break down. I was so upset to hear this but also relieved because it explained how he had been in the past week. The main problem I feel is that when I said to him that I was sorry to hear that, and I hoped he could take the weekend to work through things, his response was "what do you mean? It's our relationship that got me here!".

So even though he's had the session - he is still really angry and believes i'm the cause of all the issues.

It's not a good sign really.

The therapist wants him to take the weekend to have some space (i'm staying at my sisters until tuesday) and then wants to see him alone again on Monday.

Hopefully him having the weekend to himself (without the SD) will give him a chance to hear his head and work out where he's at. Because as it stands, i'm the enemy and it looks like I need to leave.

This feeling is awful.

I know i'm not perfect, but I can't help but feel that he is making a huge mistake. Rather than facing what's really going on in his life (which yes, does of course include imperfect aspects of our relationship), hes choosing to shut me out and push me away.

So, so sad.

Oh no you are really having a

Oh no you are really having a rough time. My only words of comfort is at least you are both figuring some things out rather than having years of indecision. Whatever he has to work through and whatever you have to work through, just had to be done anyhow. I really hope you are not further hurt by the process.

Reading your words has helped me. I can see that you are taking your partners words so personally which is exactly what I do too much. My counsellor said to me that maybe if I tried to put my DH's comments into two categories I would have a happier life. Category 1 - most things. Category 2 - comments brought on by daughter issues or relationship baggage. She explained;
Category 1) - listen, respect and take seriously like you always do because you love and respect him and know he is intelligent in these areas
Category 2) - use a filter and protect yourself because perhaps he is damaged, guilty and not an expert in these areas

Somehow this helped me a lot. Hope that makes sense to you? She described it as well maybe I am good at interior decorating, would I listen to him or get to worried about his attitude to interior decorating? I laughed and said no and then I got the analogy. Great blokes who maybe are not so smart or have blind spots in some areas of their lives. We are easy to blame and should push back when they try.

God I hope that helps a bit and so sorry for what you are going through.

I get what you are saying...

I get what you are saying... that even though he said those words about our relationship... it's obviously not totally the issue, he's just hurting and lashing out, and if I can see it that way... focus on the energy under the words, rather than the words themselves, it's easier to work with.

I have no idea what's going to happen now... I just need to take it one step at a time... I feel like i'm in a holding pattern, but I think that's the wrong way to look at it.

I have the opportunity now to reflect and explore things... where my partner is at, where the situation is at, but most of all where I'M at. I can only work on myself here, I can't control anything else.

I love my partner with all my heart and if we get through this we will be much stronger for it. If not, I just need to be kind to myself, move on and send him heaps of love. He's a beautiful person and I know is only doing his best in a very difficult situation.

So it's over. He rang me this

So it's over.

He rang me this morning telling me our relationship is officially over.

He wants me out, won't even let me teach our music students this week from our home studio, which mean I may lose a huge amount of money, and doesn't even want to talk about helping me...

I'm absolutely gutted. He's making out like i'm such an abusive person, that I've put him into the state he's in and that I now need to go.

I don't even know what to say.

First, hugs and care and

First, hugs and care and really sorry for what you are going through. Please stop listening to anything this man says right now because a lot of it seems to be about you being a bad person which is very unfair. Concentrate on the practical if you can. Is there anywhere else you can teach your students next week?

I am so sorry. Keep writing if you just need to bounce any of this off people while you get through all of this.

Thanks everyone. I'm

Thanks everyone. I'm devastated. Thank goodness for friends and family, so I have somewhere to stay and money to borrow. He's literally kicked me out and I have no car and no money. Really awful stuff. But i'm going to pick myself back up and keep moving. That's all I can do.

Hi how are you? Make sure you

Hi how are you? Make sure you keep checking in. Friends and family become incredibly dear to us at these times in our lives. I look back at the increased richness and depth of love and sense of community that I experienced unexpectedly when I divorced and hope that is what happens for you.

Keep moving. Good motto. Do not be hard on yourself. You sound too smart for this rubbish.

Thanks so much - yes his

Thanks so much - yes his relationship with his daughter is not healthy. Lessons are sorted thank goodness. I just need to keep going...

Thanks everyone. I cannot

Thanks everyone. I cannot believe how betrayed I feel right now. He wasnt even going to let me back in to get my stuff, I had to get a friend to intervene and come with me and he had even changed the locks like I was some kind of criminal. He's given me no notice and no financial assistance, and he's blocked me on facebook and changed his profile picture to one of him and his daughter.

I have never been treated like this by anybody in my life - im in utter shock. I cant believe this person I loved so deeply has turned on me, and in such a nasty and cold way.

Has this happened to anyone else?

I would be in shock too. Its

I would be in shock too. Its the only sane reaction to what has just happened to you. So hard for you to fathom.

Some people are just not good inside their heart any more. You clearly have a good heart because you do not even recognise his badness and felt only love. Think of the relief of not having to deal with the complexity of the enmeshed relationship with his daughter which was only going to get worse. Think of the freedom you have just gained. I know it is hard now but believe me you really have had a lucky break here and good luck that he has played his hand so clearly. Wake up tomorrow morning and say "I am free." Try it.

You will meet more people who are good in their heart and you will instantly recognise this type now you have been through it.

What an ass...You have

What an ass...You have recourses, you need to contact a lawyer. Also, never let yourself be financially independent on a man again....

Thanks everybody. This will

Thanks everybody. This will go down as one of the most life changing experiences for me. Not just because of the step child thing, but because of the abuse that ensued during the break up. His family have deleted and blocked me on Facebook - nobody has asked me if i'm okay. Which either speaks volumes about their character or he has spun lies about me.

It's difficult to know whether to place this situation under abusive asshole category or someone totally enmeshed with his daughter and has no idea what he's doing. Even as I type that it reads as a cop out. What he did to me was NASTY. Beyond just needing me to go. It was nasty - I copped the full force of his pent up anger for many things, and I suspect I copped it all because I was good for him and actually got close enough to him to point out that things just weren't right.

If his daughter did make up lies about me I have just one word for her - KARMA.

If this is all his doing... then I never knew him at all.

Your support on here was priceless everybody - thank you so much. I wouldn't have gotten through it all without you.

Oh and yes.. I will NEVER let

Oh and yes.. I will NEVER let myself be financially independent on a man again. That was my error to be honest.

Yes precisely. It's my Eat

Yes precisely. It's my Eat Pray Love moment... I lost everything and now i'm going on a soul journey lol... shame I can't got to Italy though

Quick update on my situation

Quick update on my situation - I susect that my ex has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder from the research I am doing.

So I had it coming from several angles. *sigh*

Onwards and upwards.

Are you ok?

I think we all need to be put

I think we all need to be put through a psychology course and advanced negotiation skills training before we start on one of these relationships. Not what you are thinking when you are doing the candle lit dinners and romancing stage.

I hope your feeling better

I hope your feeling better now. It is the. Best thi g to happen. I've just ended my marriage after 3 years of the exact same treatment. I stayed and became the a cry wife until I finally lashed out and he got me arrested. Pick up and move on. You sound so sad and he's not going to change x

Thanks everyone. No i'm not

Thanks everyone.

No i'm not okay - truthfully i'm self medicating with alcohol and food. I just can't get my head around it all.

At least suspecting that he is not mentally well has made some sense of what happened. Even assholes don't act as crazy as he did. Surely.

You have not lost your sense

You have not lost your sense of humour. I completely relate to self medicating with food and alcohol. Its okay. You will get it together and be tougher, better and stronger.

Yes I can't wait for that

Yes I can't wait for that Freshstart... it's been a very painful experience... but an important one too I feel.

I am sorry that you are so

I am sorry that you are so hurt, but there may not be enough security there for an argument. You say he is your partner? Does that mean, not married and living in the home with a child who is still reeling from the divorce? I can see how this could create insecurity in a child. If you guys put your relationship first and get married, then you can truly start holding the child accountable for all the actions. But until then ...

Thanks getout. It's over -

Thanks getout. It's over - it's too late. Everything that has happened has completely soured things. We didn't handle things well from the start and he didn't manage things well with his daughter along the way. It ended up being an impossible situation and i'm glad i'm out of it.

Yes it would have been incredibly difficult for her. But that doesn't take away from the fact that she is also a spoiled, self-focused, self-driven, manipulative and at times, downright nasty individual who does what ever it takes to get what she wants, and is ONLY HAPPY when the focus, attention and her own personal wants and needs are being taken care of.

In other words - see you later aligator - NOT MY PROBLEM

Holy Crap! How in the world

Holy Crap! How in the world could I have overlooked 2 pages of comments? I am sorry about my post. what a bunch of assholes! you deserve better! I so wish I would have seen all the post before.

Enigma, wake up every day

Enigma, wake up every day grateful for not having to see SD or be afraid of his latest put down.

Let us know when you have your first good day! An important step in the recovery process.

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Our relationship is breaking down...