Can this child really drive a wedge between us. I feel like giving up
Hi everyone, I have been reading posts here for several months but haven't posted yet. It helps a lot to read that I am not alone in figuring out this step parent thing. My situation is a little different and I hope you can all keep an open mind and offer some help. If not please don't reply. I am gay and I have been with my g/f for 2 yrs. She has 2 kids ages 11 and 13. She divorced her ex husband when the kids were under the age of 5 of they are very aware of us being gay and seem to be comfortable with everything. Their dad is great and their mom is great but her son is really causing problems. She feel so obligated to them that she won't go do anything with me alone if they are home. However she will leave them home alone if she has to work or I'm not around or something. MY ss is extremely attached to her. He said I love you mom like 100 times a day. He has has to be sitting, walking, or standing next to her. He will physically wedge himself in between us. He is always hanging on her. Also he tested about 3 grade levels above the rest of his peers, great. But he has no friends. He plays sports and is on several teams but never makes friends outside of that. Doesn't want to do anything without his mom or dad. It's extremely frustrating. We get along just fine but it's becoming awkward beacuse I have less and less patience for this behavior. I ask him all the time if he wants to do something with a friend, I will drive them. Nope, never. My g/f doesn't think this is a problem. I understand she is an extremely committed mother but she is very over protective. I want to have a child and she said she isn't sure becasue she feels it would take away from her kids. I am at a loss. I feel very hurt. She tells me how much she loves me and how wonderful I am with the kids but it's like she can't imagine doing anything without them. If I suggest we go do something with out them when they are home she is like no way, why would I not want to spend every minute I can with them. I don't get it. They don't have a regular schedule for when they see their dad, but they usually stay with him about 5 or 6 days per month. Also I work a first shift job and my g/f works 3rds making our situation and time together even more difficult.
You may have to be honest
You may have to be honest with her about the effect this has on your relationship. Adults must make time to do adult things together or the relationship probably won't last. If she wants to only spend time with her kids, I can understand that, but then she needs to hold off on having an adult relationship, because sounds like she's not ready.
Maybe she has a problem being alone with another adult. I don't know, intimacy issues. Who knows, I'm not a psychologist.
If I were you, I'd start doing stuff on my own, without her and make a life for yourself. See if she gets the message. If not, then you have to decide if this is what you really want.
My SO recently took me out to dinner on the one rare night that SS had a band related social activity. Really SO, so now we can only go out if your son has other plans and won't get jealous. My SS is very clingy and he get's jealous when SO and I do things without him. And by the way, I never want to do anything with my SS. I always bow out. I know that SO is disappointed that I don't chomp at the bit at spending time with his son, who's 16 yo, but thems the breaks. If he wants someone who adores his son he's going to have to find another woman.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the advice, she recently told me she isn't getting enough alone time and wants to go out with her friends when the kids are with their dad. I have decided to just try and make some new friends and create the life I want to live because this isn't it.