Tell him that you also pay the bills in the house and if the Skids don't like what you have to say, they can leave. And tell them to take their kiss *ss father with them..

you deserve so much better and so do YOUR children...

Definitely agree that helping with the little ones is not the older children's 'job'. Doesn't matter if the older kids are bio or skids. They didn't have the kiddos not their place to tend to them (with the exception of making sure the little ones don't head dive off the stairs, drink floor cleanser and that type of safety thing).

There is an age gap in my children (deliberately so, I never wanted kids close together and to chase after one baby/toddler at a time). There's a 12yr gap between my last two with DS26 and DD13 (I also have DD32, DS36 and SS 40ish). And yes, I remember well when DS36 use to make DS26 scream. DS36 would tease DS26. At the time they were like 3 and 13. Oh, it was great fun. Let's make little brother squeal, or let's see if we can get him to do something that'll get him in trouble.

Pfft. That lasted just long enough for me to catch on to the game. I watched older son with great attention every time younger son started in. If I caught older son provoking and/or egging the behavior on, it was older son in trouble, not younger son. Once older son figured out this wasn't such a good idea and not near as much fun as the plan was to be, older son knocked it off. It was repeated between DS26 and DD13 and I reacted the same way.

Rolling eyes and body language? That's not a skid thing, that's a kid thing. Specifically a teenage kid thing. Flash forward another ten years. Do you really honestly believe your little cute bio-babies aren't going to ever roll an eye a time or two or slump over in disgust little jr has to clean the bathroom?

The real issue from your post that I saw was the lack of support and a united front between DH and you. And what's up with 'its all your fault'? In what little you gave as examples, there was nothing 'your fault', but then if you neglected to give a clearer 'history' of the issues and what prompted them, it's hard to say. Blended homes and raising skids is not an easy thing to do. There's not a SM here that will tell you otherwise. But a 'talk' after a raised fist to punch you (unless it included 'I will send you to juvy after I knock you on your a$$ if you ever so much as think of such an action again blah blah blah) was a generic worthless effort on your DH's part to parent. Kids need guidance and expectations, especially teens and your DH has to willingly parent his children. Not dump the task on you and then look all deer-eyed when skid hates your guts and refuses to respect you and/or pay attention to you as an adult figure in the home.

It's one of the great unfairnesses of the situation that once a stepparent disengages, usually after a build up of provocation and lack of support from their partner over child issues, pretty soon the disengagement can end up being blamed for the stand off. You end up damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Generally speaking the parent is looking for anything to blame other than their children's behaviour or their own parenting, because addressing either of those will cause them stress and anxiety. When parents are frightened of alientating their children and/or eaten up with guilt for breaking up their family, it makes them very averse to tackling things with their children head on, or taking a hard line over anything. Meanwhile the children themselves generally have the memories of goldfish when it comes to the good stuff you do and the memory of an elephant when it comes to the less popular stuff. Stepchildren rarely seem to look back and analyse events and their own behaviour, especially if it has been tacitly endorsed by their parent. It's also much easier for them to believe that you are mean and unfair and always having a go at them than change their attitude.

My own DH could not understand the concept of disengagement at all, let alone why I felt the need to do it. It can be misunderstood as an offensive rather than a defensive strategy. It's hard for a parent to understand why their partner no longer wants to be a carer for their children, particularly if they harboured secret visions of a replacement nucleur family in which their partner is as loving and tolerant of their children as they are, thus replacing the ex and alleviating them of the guilt. The loss of that vision can leave them lashing out at their partner, who they blame for ruining the whole plan. They don't think 'if only I could parent more consistently' or 'if only the children would be nicer to stepparent' they think 'why can't stepparent be more easy going/let it go/be nicer to the children'. By default their fear of alienating their children seems to take precedence over their fear of alienating or losing their partner. The more you complain and criticise the more the parent shuts down, pretty soon their default reaction to anything you say about their child is defensiveness about their child and irritation with you. It's hard to reset things at that point.

Over the course of 10 years the times when I have made significant progress in terms of achieving more support and understanding from DH re his children have unfortunately been when I have reached the point that I was ready to end the relationship. The shock of realising that he was on the verge of losing me and our children seems to have been the only thing that has pressed the override button on his guilty parenting and brought him to the realisation that he should worry a little less about losing them and a little more about losing us. A period of counselling also helped a lot.

Your husband is currently blaming you for the problems in your stepfamily. He's probably entrenched in that mindset and it will take something significant for him to reconsider and take some responsibility himself. You could suggest counselling in the hope that outside input will change his view, or if you feel strongly enough you could tell him that you are very unhappy and need to consider your position and take the children away for a week. That will give him a good period of time to consider who is to blame and who is making the choices in this situation.

Well, I'm your mirror twin in this issue. I just lost my marriage because of the exact scenario you just described. My wife decided that I would never be good for her children, and left. It is really sad, when something could have been done. For my part, perhaps maybe one more mile of effort to bond with them. For hers..the initiative she never had when putting true structure in place before the children grew older and set in their ways (13 and 14 now). In my case, I miss my wife terribly, and her children, but what can be done when two adults are going to collide so badly over raising the children, especially when the children issue is obvious and their mother cannot see it and chooses to blame the step parent, which is what has happened. I wish you all the best. People can look from the outside and tell us how wrong it is for us step parents to come here to vent, but it is a legitimate concern, and your post proves it, and my marriage ending proves it. My SS killed a cat, attacked me, attacked my 4 yr old. My SD threatened top report me for being mean. I was on edge big time. Big people can go to jail over a child's careless words. My SD could have seriously hurt my 4 yr old girl with his rage. Now, my wife tells me that all of their behavior was my fault, as I rejected them. That,sadly, I did, but I was out of answers and had given up. Similar to your situation, I stopped interacting with the step kids. I called the principal to speak with him and protect myself, when SD was threatening me. Looking back, now separated and living alone, I know now that I would try harder to connect with them as opposed to reacting and backing away, but this is not an easy issue. If it was, this site would not exist. I hope your situation turns around. To me, marriage is life, through sickness and health. It is not easy when that is severed.

hey I am in the same situation I have left home before because i couldnt deal with her and sister in law who was living here... my problem wasnt them as much it was him tell me that it was all my fault and always siding with them even if he saw what happened I think it was easier for him anyway now that my sister in law moved and sd is still here she keep doing the same crap but now she wont talk to me sghe came up with another strategy she keep either threatening to do harm to my 5 year old (she is 16) or make one of the kids cry usually when they are in there room and say oh i didnt do nothing and since I didnt see a thing then I cant say a thing anyway yesterday She got a knife and told my 5 year old that is she is gonna cut off her fingers I told her to go for it and dont complain when I call the police. One other thing I stopped is complain to her father just deal with as you see fit and if he complains just say oh I didnt get any support from you so I acted alone anyway If he is like my husband he doesnt wana deal with it so just you do what it takes to protect yourself and your kids