They pretty much leave me alone now!
Yes, who could ask for more! The four of them pretty much leave me alone now! On the one hand it hurts, but on the other hand, I'm very thankful for the lack of communication/contact -- so much less drama. The only time we hear from them now is when they want something -- which is irritating in and of itself.
I had blocked three of them for a time on my phone, but found it wasn't necessary because they only contact their dad. I've taken them all off of facebook because I wanted my privacy, and everything I posted was construed as towards them -- which is was.
To be quite honest, I absolutely don't like them anymore. They have ruined that. I think it is going to take a lot of time before I ever trust them again, if ever. They have all been so awful over the last 7 years that if I never saw any of them again, it wouldn't be long enough.
There are times that my DH longs for the one big happy family, but I've told him, the facts are jack, that ain't never gonna happen. They won't allow it. After 7 + years of being treated like crap, I've finally had enough, and put my foot down and said no more. I told my DH he is welcome to spend time with them whenever he wants, but I will not be participating -- and I have not.
The last function he had was SD24 and SS23's birthday party. I made cards for them from the computer, and no money was given to them. I literally am done.
They have abused me for long enough.
I just wish I could get all of this out of my head and not think about them, or what they've done to me over the years -- anymore. I don't want them in my head anymore. How do I do this? Is it just going to take time?
Anyone else in this situation? I should be thankful, and I am for the most part -- I just want them out of my head.
I have been on the verge of leaving my marriage for some time due to all of them. They are simply just awful human beings. I don't know if they are ever going to change or be better. I did begin disengaging about a year ago, maybe a little longer. It has helped -- and I think that they have realized that they can't treat me badly anymore.
It has not been easy. None of this has been easy. If I knew then what I know now -- I wouldn't have done this. Advice for people dating someone with kids. If it's bad while you're dating, it will only get worse.
That's all for now.
I can relate to all of what
I can relate to all of what you say. I got my SD when she was 12. At 28 she was still telling Daaaaaaaaady what to do. She was disrespectful to my children and me. I couldn't take it anymore. Even though she was not welcome in our home, he made sure she had a key. He would tell me I was right about her. He would agree to keep my line in the sand. He did none of that. Now I have been away for 9 months. Haven't heard a thing from him since February. Don't care.
I hope your hubby does what he needs to do to keep your relationship happy. Mine wouldn't.
I'm so sorry your DH hasn't
I'm so sorry your DH hasn't done a thing since you left. My heart goes out to you. That's a lot of years to put up with crap like that. I've done it for 7 years. I've been on the verge of leaving for the last several years. In fact, I've left several times, only to come back. I'm a Christian and have a hard time reconciling myself to leaving the marriage.
I would blame them 100% for the demise of our marriage because the only thing we fight about is his kids. At the start of this month I began praying for God to cause me to fall in love with him so much so that I don't think about leaving, or to give me a way out. I simply don't know at times what to do. They do leave us alone the majority of the time and have all moved out, thankfully, so I'm waiting to see what happens over the next two months.
I did tell him that the youngest SD18 when she got kicked out of her mother's place, that she was not welcome back in our home due to her lies that she has told about me all over town, and due to her "hate journal" - that was completely dedicated to me. I think that journal finally opened my DH's eyes that I wasn't imagining the hate from his kids - he had the proof in his daughter's own handwriting. He was going to let her back in the house if she apologized -- she wouldn't apologize for these things so not allowed back in.
I told DH that even if she apologized, at this point she wouldn't mean it because she is being forced to. I told him to quit asking her to apologize. I just want her to stay away -- and so far, she is. She has come by a couple of times, and DH has supervised her (at my request) as she gets some of her stuff from the garage. She knows she is not to come to the house if we are not here. All the kids know this now.
Maybe this all makes me a bitch, but I don't care anymore. If anyone had been through what I'd been through, they would do the same thing.
We'll see how long DH keeps this up. He has a short memory -- I have to remind him of the things they have done so that he doesn't forget because then he gets wishy washy.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I was gone, then they could have him to themselves and run all over him like they want to, and use him.
I just want to have them out of my head once and for all. I see my counselor, thankfully, on Thursday. Hopefully she can help me. She has said that I am dealing with a lot of post traumatic stress disorder. I've dealt with PTSD most of my life, from childhood issues, and then a first abusive marriage. Just want to be happy for a change.
Well, I finally am happy. My
Well, I finally am happy. My 23 yr old son and I share an apartment in my hometown in IL. (I was in MO) I really don't miss him or my old life. I have had many offers for dates but the number one question I ask a man is "Do you have kids?" If he says yes I reply that I don't date men with kids. It sounds bitter and unfair but after the hell I lived because of my SD and her father allowing it, I have raised the bar for any man to be around me.
I lived it for 8 years before
I lived it for 8 years before I finally banned her from my home and told dh to go with her.
I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. My health was compromised, my immune system shot to pieces. I almost had a nervous breakdown, over it all.
Your lucky, at least he asked his daughter to apologise. My husband was too afraid to ask his daughter to apologise. So, I banned her and I tell you now. NEVER EVER again will she be in my life or home. We have not seen her now for two years and I hope I never see her for a 1002 times seventy.
I did nothing to her. She was a spoilt, selfish, narcissistic brat with an over inflated sense of entitlement. She has all the traits of a sociopath. She is evil. I will never allow that evil into my life again. In writing this to you, the horror of her actions springs back into my mind and I shudder. She will never change, she doesn't want too. She could pretend to be nice when she wanted something, then the split second she got it, out would come the vindictive vicious hate in her.
I will tell you this. Your stepchildren are not your problem. Your husband is. He needed to nip this in the bud 7 years ago.
My husband is now seeing a counsellor. When he realised I meant it, I was finished, he panicked and wanted to save the marriage. I went to one of his sessions, he had for 8 years been telling me it was my fault, I imagined it, I looked for trouble, I didn't like her, he didn't hear it, he didn't see it, blah, blah, blah. Every single bit of het disgusting behaviour he managed to find a way of denying it had happened, and accusing me of picking on his daughter. Finally, when she had her first child and told dh if he wanted to see it he'd have to leave me, I ended all contact with her and told dh I finally agreed with her. There was no way he could ever have her and I in his life, she was never going to have it, I wanted him to leave because I would never have anything to do with her ever again, not even vicariously through him. During this session I attended, he tells the counsellor that HE DID KNOW what his daughter was doing to me but he hadn't wanted to say anything to her because she might stop talking to him. Can you believe that.
He for 8 years had said nothing to his daughter about her vicious behaviour, worse had twisted it into being all my imagination, almost sent me mad and caused me years of illness, because he was afraid she would stop talking to him, now here he was admitting he had known all along.
It has taken me two years to the day to be able to have her run through my mind whenever there is a trigger without feeling fear, without having a physical reaction. I liken this to post traumatic stress. It does take a long time to get over it, and something will trigger it. Just hearing the name somewhere or seeing it written, seeing a car similar to what she drove, seeing someone with the same bleached blonde hair. All of those things used to cause fear to whell up inside me, I was so afraid of the evil inside that woman. She would stop at nothing to get her own way.
But two years of no contact has made me a wiser, stronger, more confident person, I, thanks to the abuse she dished out and to my husband allowing it, have gained a new sense of self and self esteem. I will never accept this kind of behaviour from anyone ever again. I laugh now, because in trying to destroy me, she actually made me stronger. She was probably the first person in my life I ever stood up to. She and my husband pushed me so far down it was stand up for myself or die. I stood up, stood my ground, will continue to do so, and am actually grateful for the life lesson. I needed to learn it. It's true, God does work in mysterious ways. I never realised how much control I had over my own life till this happened.
But yes, as with any trauma, it will take time. The last two years of my life were tough, but worth the struggle. I am finally over it. I would not cross the street to avoid her now. I would walk by, head high, and pass right on as though she were just a stranger in the street.
EBU -- you sound just like
EBU -- you sound just like me.....even with the health issues! My DH does minimize all of his kids behaviors, and how they treat me, unless I push the issue and then he'll relent and say "you're right." Of course I'm right. At the end of 2012 I was done, and told him I was done. He began panicking and called our pastor and asked for names of counselors and wanted us to go into counseling together. I told him I thought it was useless and didn't think it would work because nothing ever changes.
I was right. I got to the point that I was going by myself because I needed help in dealing with them. My DH would say all the right things in counseling, but outside he did not follow through much of the time. He is getting a little better at times so I'm waiting to see how things go.
That's great that you haven't seen her in two years. I wish I could get mine out of my life for good. I'm serious to say that if I never saw ANY of them again, I would be totally fine.
Four of them! All four of them are brats -- selfish. And yes, the only time that DH's daughter (both of them --- one 18 and the other 24) are nice is when they want something. SD18 started being nice around her birthday (Feb) and Christmas, and then goes right back to her usual nasty self. I'm not stupid! I didn't do jack for any of the kids' birthdays this year. I think we gave her some money, but I didn't do the party, special dinner, or anything this year -- for any of them. And I'm ok with it. I didn't even plan SD18's graduation party. I let my DH do that.
Of course, they complained because there wasn't much food, etc., or decorations, because I didn't help with any of it. There were two bags of chips, cake, some pop, hotdogs and hamburgers! lol His son, SS20 said, that's why you let momof5 plan and cook, cuz then it's good. Hmmmmm then why are you all such jerks when I do these things?
I'm hoping that the triggers do get better. I just want them out of my head -- I want to stop renting space to them.
I like one of the suggestions for the blue dot on the hand to remind to not think of them today.
EBU, your comments really
EBU, your comments really struck me. Good for you on having that kind of strength.
OP, your comments make me really think because I met SD at 9, she is now 13 and refuses to be around me. It is BM's doing, because through some really rough times, SD came to a conclusion that I wasn't the bad guy, then BM manipulated SD into 'hating' me again.
At this point DH is so frustrated that his attitude is, "ok SD13, if that's the way you feel, fine. I want to see you and spend time with you, the family wants to see you and spend time with you and that includes OCS. She will not be excluded and when you're ready to be around us, let me know". He still phones her almost daily and texts with her, banality really, but he makes her know he's thinking of her.
(he spent 4 months of visitation, EOWE, only saturdays with her alone, but there were family get togethers and EVERYONE was concerned I was absent)
My concern is that though he is supportive, there are times that I know he feels like I could have done more etc.. to make princess want to be around.. ummm no..
OCS, I swear to this day my
OCS, I swear to this day my husband would still love to absolve himself and his daughter fom all f this. If he had to make a list of whose to blame it would be
1: ME.
2: ME
3:ME
You see they get it into their heads that their kids are KIDS, so even though his daughter was 29, was in a defacto relationship, and had a child of her own, he still saw, sees, her as his little girl, and me as the adult, I was expected to know better. I believe what they expect is what we all do as parents when our children are young. They make mistakes, misbehave, and sometimes rob banks and commit murder, but as a parent, we forgive them and we still love them. However, the part my husband left out, and to this day still would leave out is that very, very important bit in the middle of your child doing the wrong thing, and our forgiveness and moving on from it. Responsible parents who want their children to grow into healthy, happy, independent, employable, kind, productive, community minded people, in between transgression and forgiveness, add discipline. My husband NEVER brought his children to task over anything. His daughter backed into a parked car and quickly drove off once. Someone saw her and left her car registration number on the vehicles windscreen. The police rocked up on her doorstep, and she was naturally forced to pay for the damages to the other car. She phoned daddy, you know whose fault all of this was, was it hers for hitting a car and driving off, of course not, that wasn't even mentioned by daddy, no, it was the fault of the car owner for making a fuss over nothing, because madam, who did not even get out of her car to look at any damage she caused, said to daddy, she didn't do $1000 worth of damage, the cars owner was a liar, BUT, the person primarily responsible for this. THE STRANGER WHO TOOK DOWN HER NUMBER PLATE AND GAVE IT TO THE VEHICLES OWNER. It was according to daughter and daddy, none of their business. I asked my husband if it had been her car that was hit and a stranger left her the details of the car that hit her,would they be grateful for that and take action against the driver who had driven off. Now, his answer was yes. But he still felt that in this case his baby was upset and it was someone else's fault.
He always found fault and blame in others. His children were perfect. They had bad teachers, bad friends, bad employers. Heck, his poor little girl was really treated badly at work. She was rostered to work a public holiday, she was to be paid double time for it. She wanted double time, plus a day off to make up for the holiday. She was livid they refused. She asked daddy if she was entitled to double time and a day off, he said, well why not. In front of her I asked him, if you were required to work a public holiday and paid double time for the day, would you then ask for a day off in lieu of the public holiday. His answer was no. So I said how is it any different for your daughter then. He says, I don't know. He was prepared to give her his support in doing the wrong thing, in making herself look like a fool at work, he was encouraging her to fight for the day off, not because it was right, but if he supported her, she would like him. My husband is a bad, selfish father.
My husband has always supported his kids in doing the wrong thing because he wants them to love him. So, while I know for a fact he would love to wipe out everything that has happened from his mind, and blame me for it all in the first place, I also know he knows the truth. He admitted to his psychologist, he knew his daughter was to blame for all of this and for the outcome. But, in his heart of hearts.i believe talks cheap, sure he said that, but he was just looking after himself when he left off ....................but she's the adult she (me) should be more understanding. Because he still believes that. Now at the time he said that, his daughter was 31. In his mind, not an adult, still a child, his child who is never to be expected to take responsibility for her own actions, it's always someone else's fault. For those horrible 8 years, it was mine.
But the person who's is blameless in all this, the victim in all this. My husband. Just ask him. He is absolutely the sole reason thus happened, he failed his wife, he failed his children and he did it to keep his daughter talking to him. He poisoned his relationship with me and with her, he set it up so she and I would despise each other, and he sees himself as the victim.
It was six years for me
It was six years for me before I finally said enough with the toxic pollution that arose from being around some of DHs family.
There is a stage after disengaging that can take months where you keep rehashing what happened and have a lot of anger. A year and a half ago I was asking a similar question as you... "what do I do with all the anger". Now I know the ingredients for getting rid of the anger are... time, true disengagement, and (for me anyway) typing out my experience here and talking to friends to help process through what happened.
Also, you really need to absolutely stay away and that includes not hearing about what they are doing through DH. Nothing, nothing.. Give yourself time and space. This can change when/if ever you feel you are ready to reconnect a little at a time.
It's a year and a half later for me and honestly, I am very free. No more mental real estate being taken up by DHs family (or very little). No more (or very little) anger. Honestly, now I accept that it is what it is. I just had to let my dream of what could have been go.
I come here now because it's like a group of old friends who've been in the trenches with me. It's still cathartic to see I wasn't alone in my experience. Disengaging allows you to process what happened and eventually heal from it. It may feel like you are not healing. You may have a lot of anger (even more than you did when you were engaged) for a few months but eventually that will subside.
Don't leave your marriage, don't let them have that power. Give it a year to a year and a half. You will be amazed at how much better things are. A book that helped me understand things better was "how to improve your marriage without talking about it". http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/07679231... I realize my DH was avoiding "cortisol dumps" and I did not understand. My husband, who counsels couples sometimes, says it was by far and way the first and only book that he has seen on marriage that is truly helpful from a man's perspective. It really helped him understand me as well.
We are right to think our DHs should have stood up for us more. Don't try to deal with that all at once. I think it's wise to give your marriage at least a year and a half to see what it's like without new wounds from your skids. You may feel it's worth working for at that point.
Just remember It Will Get Better. Disengagement makes a world of difference. Hang in there and give it time, it will come.
I should also say this is
I should also say this is what worked for me, everyone is different. The degrees of what DH did or did not do to protect wife is different for everyone. My DH has a lot of redeeming qualities and his family (for the most part) made sure that he did not witness much of what they did to me. I'm not sure how I would have handled what I've read about some of the ladies DH's. Either way, disengagement is a good place to start and I think within time, you will be in a much better position to work on your marriage and move on with your life.
I also agree with Towanda below. Prayer was everything for me. I pray for my DHs family a lot. It's hard to hate people when you are praying for them. Trust me, for some of them I felt hate at times. Praying for them really helps replace that (with time). That's my perspective as a Christian, I come from a pretty agnostic/atheist family so I understand this can sound offensive or like a pat answer. It's not either for me. I also prayed to help forgive too as I didn't have it in me on my own.
momof5, I think you helped
momof5, I think you helped put into words what a lot of step parents haven't been able to express yet so pat yourself on the back for that.
I am one of those "never going back" again SM's too. I so feel your pain!
Do you think it would help you if you quit trying to love your man so much and instead, say "God, I have huge problems with my DH and SD's I can't deal with them anymore so I am laying them at your feet". Then, practice blocking them from your mind.
I had to seriously put a small ink dot on my hand everyday and when I started to obsess about them, I would look at that dot and think. They are not invited into my day today. I learned to turn a little switch in my head.
Then,as hard as this may sound to you,start doing things for you and you only. Most of us at this low point don't think we are worthy of pampering ourselves. We are so busy trying to make everyone else happy, especially the ones that have cause us the most pain that we have neglected ourselves. I feel bad because I am sure my own kids suffered from all the time I spent trying to fix the step sibs drama.
Hopefully, in a few months when you are feeling better and your old self starts to resurface, the rest may fall into place.
Hang in there and keep venting! You are in good company here!
I have been reading this site
I have been reading this site for about 2 months now, but it's your post that finally made me take the leap and join! You all have saved my sanity...literally!! Your situation sounds SO much like mine that I just had to comment. I've only been disengaging for the 2+ months that I found this site and got educated on doing so. I have been married for 5 years and my DH has 3 kids. SD32 is the ringleader, golden child, narcissist extraordinaire. My only desire when I got married was to try to make ours some type of family. Initially, all 3 kids seemed to be in agreement, although SD has always been a problem to me. I played nice and let her catty, hateful comments and behaviors slide for the sake of keeping the peace and trying to make us a family. Last year, the first Gkid was born. Supposed to be the happiest time of all of our lives. I was supposed to watch him twice a week!!! Shortly after he was born, EVERYTHING changed. Everything changed because she treated me like crap and disregarded my feelings one too many times and I stood up for myself and told her how much she hurt me. She was oblivious and couldn't understand why I was so hurt. Long, long story short...I haven't held the baby since he was 2 months old. I've only seen him a handful of times. I haven't spoken to her or one of her brothers since before last Christmas. I'm at the point now where I'm starting to get her and this situation out of my mind. I have literally thought about this every day since it's happened! Not only have I been mourning the "death" of our family, but the death of the dream of any family for me. I have no bio kids and that was why my desire to forge relationships with the steps was so strong. I am very thankful that I have her vileness out of my life. She is a very mean person. I know she has lots of emotional issues but I don't really care anymore. She can go to a therapist like I do to try to figure out how to deal with her!! I think time and talking about it with trusted people is what is helping me get over it and get it out of my head. I actually talked to DH about her the other night and really spilled my guts. That has made all the difference and was what finally helped me turn the corner. He asked me why I was still thinking about her since I haven't had to deal with it for so long. It was like a brick hit me....why was I?? Time and talk is what works for me. I get on my own nerves with it sometimes, but it works...eventually!!
oh how I love this place and
oh how I love this place and love all you women who have posted your words of encouragement, related your stories, shared your hearts. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have steptalk! Seriously, as I'm reading all of the above posts, I'm shaking and nodding my head - yes, yes, yes -- can so relate to each and every one of you!
I can't respond to each individual one of you because of time constraints, but all the suggestions, ideas, etc., mean the world to me! I am going to try them all. Prayer -- yes, I agree that prayer for me has helped me a lot. I'm going to say like one of you said -- lay them at God's feet and let Him deal with them and the situations.
I can only deal with how I respond and me. I did have my counselor tell me that I've been dealing with PTSD (I see her on Thurs). I've been praying that God helps me fall more in love with my DH so that the "d" word won't be apart of my vocabulary anymore -- I've also asked that He keep the Skids away from me -- and He totally has! Although when I related that to my Mom, she said that "maybe God is protecting them from you."!! Ouch! Seriously. She said she was joking, but really it still stung. She KNOWS how awful they have been to me, and she has told me time and time again that I need to leave -- but then she says that. Thankfully, I know it's not true.
Thankfully they are all out of the house! Thankfully they are never moving back in because I've told DH if he does, that I'm gone. He got a taste of that when SD24 spent the night while she was broken up with her boyfriend -- and I told him that I was done. She only lived less than 5 mins away, and there was no reason for her to be spending the night, or even be at our house 24/7 like she was. It was an awful time, and was at the end of 2012 beginning of 2013. She was mooching off us totally, and was working her way up into moving in with us.
when I woke up that next morning after she spent the night (without me knowing about it), and my DH came into our bedroom for his wallet because he was going to the grocery store to buy her diapers because apparently she did not have her credit card (lie) -- I told him I was so NOT ok with this.
When he got back, I was packing my suitcase and told him I was leaving until he could get his kids under control. At this point, SD18, SS20, and SS23 were all home mooching off of us, refusing to pay rent (the older ones) and the SD24 was making moves like she was moving back in. Hell no! So I was gone for about a week. When I came back he had told me that the SS's were going to start paying rent, and SD24 was not going to be at the house so much. DH actually lied. So I rode his ass until he got them back in order. All these skids living with us, not helping out around the house, laying around -- yah, not working for me!
Then SD18 moves out in February, SS23 moves out in April, SS20 moved out in April (never would pay us rent) -- and now SS20 is living with a friend and mooching off his friend's parents!
I wasn't wanting SD18 to move out because she needed to finish school (and no she wasn't required to pay rent cuz she was in school) -- that was just a bonus that she moved out!!
Ok - got to head out to dr., be back a little later! Thanks for listening!
I really relate to this, mom
I really relate to this, mom of 5. I'm right there with you. I'm disengaged on the outside, but looking forward to the day that neither of my adult sd are taking up real estate in my head. Especially the older one, who I had been close to (more like used by!!) in the past. It is definitely freeing after cutting off all contact and just not participating in the drive to please them and make them feel secure...and funny that husband has followed my lead. Although he is open to an authentic relationship with them. Meaning not based on money or gifts. I'm just not anymore. I've been burned to much. I wonder if it will ever not hurt, because I've been married to hubs for 16 years and truly loved those kids and had high hopes for a big happy family. I guess I'm mourning the death of that family...but I've got four kids of my own so on the outside, I'm smiling!