HOW to get DH to enforce boundaries? Or do I have to?
Another Sunday = another day of depression and angst. For me. Everyone else is just honkey damn dory.
Lately I've been able to hold my crap together fairly well; least i thought. But this weekend, more bs just establishes to me that maybe I'm not handling things so well after all.
As some of you know, this is a remarriage for me and DH. Just married in January. He has two kids, Daughter 16. Son 12. I also have two, daughter 11, and son 14. Mine live with us 24/7. DH kids are supposed to be with their mother every other week (very loosey-goosey Custody Decree language written; mostly a verbal agreement between dh&bm) We live in DHs house that he formerly shared with BM and kids. Not an easy transition, but I've done my best.
This summer has been a freaking train wreck. Since BM is a teacher, she's been off all summer. And has, without exception, come up with EVERY excuse in the book to avoid having her children when she's supposed to. The real reason is, because she's off jet-setting with her Sugar Daddy and is just too damn busy having funsies to be a mother and to accept ANY kind of responsibility whatsoever, especially when it involves the kids. many of you find yourselves in the same boat!!!
She just returned from her 7th vacation in 18 months. SEVENTH. All on somebody else's dime. Isn't that nice? Wouldn't that be grand? She was gone for two solid weeks this time. All in which I lived thru utter HELL having her kids here with mine all that extra time. 16 days total. She took them back 3 days ago. 3 days....
This weekend was my son and fathers birthdays. Last night I had a little party for them both. In the middle of it, out of nowhere, BM shows up with the kids, "so they could grab a few things from here" she parks her car in my driveway, then, while the kids are rummaging thru MY house to find their shit, she saunters thru the neighborhood cuddling new babies and catchin up with her old neighbors/girlfriends. They were here about an hour. DH said nothing, did nothing. My guests who know me and the situation well enough, gave me "knowing" and empathetic looks....as I just SEETHED....then, as she was pulling away, she actually comes to the backyard and says "oh I'm so sorry to interrupt! Thanks tho have a nice night" I didn't even respond.
After guests leave DH says nothing. What's he going to say? His standard response to her disruptions like this are "I can't control what she does. I tried for 20 years. She's responsible for her own ineptitude and incapabilities" for the last 7 months that's been his position. That, whatever he could do or say to her, she will just turn it around and somehow take it out on the children. The precious children...
Today. My sons overnight guests finally leave. Good kids, everyone had a good time. House still standing from my 4 hour cleaning marathon yesterday for preparation of last night, and also, putting back together the freaking MESS his kids made of this house over the last two weeks. Anyways....the house isn't quiet for even an hour....not 60 freaking minutes....as I'm napping I hear the tell tale boom boom boom boom boom of SS12 pounding up the stairs, coming into our bedroom, wanting to know where his ps 3 remotes are so he and his block buddies can play video games at OUR HOUSE!!!! WTF???!!!
First off, what the hell are ya doing here? Second, NO Dammit you're NOT having a house full of people here!!!
"Well mom dropped me off in the neighborhood so I could play with all my friends" DH response? "Keep it all in the basement and clean up whatever messes you make"
So again, I find myself just seething alone in my garage bunker to chain smoke and be angry and be by myself and avoid being around SS12 and his GD geek squad.
Same freaking situation another day. My time is never mine. This house will never be mine. I'll NEVER have a say in what goes on here. I'll NEVER have any kind of expectation that I can be alone here with my DH or otherwise. What the hell do I have to say or do to get across to DH and BM and everybody else on the planet that IIIIIIIIII (we) say when, where, who, and how??! That what happens at this property is OUR business and my right to choose?!!
OR, is DH right? He is CONVINCED that any one word he says to her will just erupt into more allegations on her part and more drama and fictitious bullshit that she'll feed the kids.
Am I so wrong? Am I really deluding myself? When I married this man with children, did I really have my head that far up my ass in Naïveté?? Because I knowingly married him with these children and knowingly moved into "THEIR HOUSE, THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD" did I really forfeit any rights to bitch and complain and have any rights to decision making and what goes on here?
I've been paying a damn therapist weekly, I'm on 2 different anxiety meds, and all I ever do is wish my time away because I'm so unhappy with how things are playing out. I was so sure. I was so GD sure that this was going to be a good experience for EVERYONE. I knew there'd be rough roads. But I sure as hell NEVER in a million years thought I'd literally be THE ONLY ONE in this household that is THIS fucking miserable 24/7. And I see no viable solutions.
Sorry, I can just picture the
Sorry, I can just picture the old men BM must have to sleep with to get her free vacations. Yuck. What a sad life.
Can you wait until the youngest skid is 18? Because that's when it may end, or they may be with you full time. I understand, it's more that BM and DH are dictating your schedule. Your personal time. I left a relationship where that happened. And found one where we have SS full time, but he's 16 and BM is across the country. So in a way, my schedule is more predictable and I seem to have more of a say than a lot of SMs who have BMs who do nothing but pawn off their kids, and the DH's who allow it.
DH is not respecting your rights. I also live in SO's house that he lived in with SS before I came along. It sucks. The two of them act like it's just their house even though I pay my share of expenses.
If you're in therapy and on meds, and neither are working, then maybe consider leaving, as hard as that may be. Or at least talk to your DH and see what he says. He may or may not take you seriously, but he should at least know your absolutely miserable.
good luck.
The truth is I'm stuck here.
The truth is I'm stuck here. Even if I wanted to leave, which I don't, I truly love this man, I couldn't because of financial blendings now. I'm on this mortgage, I have a car payment, etc. I really did mean my vows. I aim to try to make this work. I just NEVER saw this amount of shit being in the equation. Never gaveit one thought...for which I'm kicking myself, because part of my ill factions have been sheer SHOCK that I even have this kind of BM and kid crap to deal with! And with my hands seemingly completely bound.
Oh, and GREAT NEWS! SD16 who is now a junior in HS has announced that NO she's not going to be leaving town for university after all! She wants to stay at home (gee, which one?!) and go to school locally.
SS12, the one that REALLY is the true disruption, will most likely never be mature enough to make it on his own. Geez I just don't see how! He'll be a management factor for us for the rest of his life, of this I'm almost certain.
I guess I'm just pained, to my deepest core, that I'm finally coming to the realization that NOPE I don't have any more choices left. The day I said "I do" and moved in here, I sealed my and my kids fate.
I guess DH is right....I can apply all his principals to HIM. I can't make anyone change their behaviors. I can only change mine; and I literally dunno how to do it, without feelin like a total sack of used up manipulated shit.
This is my next move. Having
This is my next move. Having him come with me again to therapy. And keep coming. His reaction to my being upset is him being very upset and distressed. I do see him as feeling as though he has very little control and options. This is where we part ways in thinking. I'm a major battalax when it comes to MY boundaries. He's a real pushover. She manipulated the soul right out of him for 20 years and she still just keeps doing it over and over.
When he asks me relentlessly "what can I do to make you happy? I just want YOU to be happy" and I fill in the blanks for him....it ALWAYS comes back to "I can't make her do or not do anything...." And the cycle repeats, continually, in one form or another. She dictates this household by proxy every day, in some fashion.
I feel bad. Guilty, sad, angry. I wouldn't wanna be in his shoes. But I also know that his passivity has only resulted in MY immense frustration and resentment.
I'm certain when I ask him be will be willing to come to counseling with me.
You bring up a valid point. I
You bring up a valid point. I dunno? I hope so. I think so. He is a man of good character and of a pure motivation to live a good life and want to provide a good life for us. I guess I'd be surprised if he whipped some ego out and DIDN'T take the chance to overcome this, his own blockages. Wow. If that would be the case THEN we'd have a whole 'nother bees nest to blaze.
As I just sat here and contemplated that again...that literally just terrified me to my core! Hmmmm....
You are very right. I hate to
You are very right. I hate to put it this way, but, he is SO VERY HAPPY with "just" "having a wife who loves him" (his words not mine) that he misses the entire picture here. I do need to make it more clear to him, with an outsiders help I guess, that NO I'm ultimately NOT happy in the grand scheme of things. If it WERE just the two of us, alrighty then. But this macro picture of nonstop nonsense is killing me slowly...or rapidly, given the short 6 or 7 months time frame here....
And yeah, ultimately HE DOES control that!
I appreciate your supportive ear and advice.
"He will probably need lots
"He will probably need lots of time to see how it's helpful to him and his kids to set these boundaries so he can do it in a way that is all his and doesn't pin it on you."
RIGHT ON. All I ever feel is, I'm the bad guy making all the bad rules and decisions.
That has GOT to be turned around somehow. Because YUP it just costs me even MORE in how he views me, our immediate marriage, etc.
IF I only could just get snarky texts heads UP I'd feel like I'd won a small battle
Sell the house!!!!! I cannot
Sell the house!!!!! I cannot say this loud enough. I did the same thing with the same issues and the longer it went on the harder it became to convince DH to move. We finally moved after 20 years!!!! OMG you do not want to do what I just did and live like that. PLEASE listen. It will not get better magically. You need to take control and convince DH it is in everyone's best interest to move.
Take care.
Fundamentally I agree with
Fundamentally I agree with you. Financially I can't even imagine its an option. We just "bought" it last October. In this market, in this area, finding a home adequate enough for all 6 of us in the same school system, etc., I believe would be next to impossible. It's after all one of the only reasons I even acquiesced to buying this home when we had the chance in his divorce settlement. Since then we've sunk evenings money in, remodeling, redecorating, him basically paying they the nose to let me "make this house mine"
*UGH* I Soooooo wish it were that easy!!! I do!!! I think it would solve a LOT. BUT any house we would purchase in our school system, BM would still only be 10 min max from our driveway and she'd do all the same crap she does now.
A lot of the same reasons we
A lot of the same reasons we stayed in the house. You could be me talking although my DH's ex didn't cross nearly as many boundaries. Mostly the skids did.
One easter long weekend DH was gone away and the skids were at their moms. I was out for easter brunch with my family and came home to two nasty greedy SD"s who were pissed off that I wasn't home when they arrived to give them their Easter gifts. They broke into the house and sat on my living room couch waiting for me.
I was shocked to say the least and stupid me, just handed them the gifts DH left and then after they opened them, they said, "that's all?" I was like OMG, I had never in my life seen such greedy undeserving twits. This would never have happened had we been in a new house that was NEVER "theirs".
Wow! Just.wow. Yeah I've come
Wow! Just.wow.
Yeah I've come home to MANY MANY "surprise" invasions. Actually more often than not to be honest. And yep that attitude is the same...."oh you're here now, what's for dinner?" Or generally, what can I DO to serve them somehow?
We have combination/electronic locks. So, there are no keys to retrieve. Change the combinations everyday? Then what do my kids do who genuinely do live here 24/7, ya know?
She'd still just drop them off and one of them would call daddy to get into the house.
Hence, HE HAS GOT to make these boundaries known and stick!
I appreciate your support and your advice! It's why I vent here when I literally have NO PLACE ELSE in the entire world to turn to.
Thanks for the referral, I
Thanks for the referral, I will check it out!
Yeah my therapist says about DH "I can't expect a nice guy to NOT be NICE" which, ok, on the surface I get, but like you've stated, those buttons are deep and that damage a previous woman wounded them with is hard freakin core man.
I am thankful for the advice, from you, and everyone here. And I truly hope your personal situation gets better and better. It is all sooooo darn complicated and complex! And NOTHING is "mutually exclusive!"
I have a very nice SO who had
I have a very nice SO who had major boundary issues with BM. It was hell. My therapist said "Why is he so nice to everyone but YOU?" in reference to this. The truth is your husband is avoiding conflict with her at your expense. He doesn't mind YOU being upset. And that is plain wrong.
In my case, a counselor was instrumental in him laying down boundaries. Prepare yourself though. Tog is right. BM blamed me. And there was some serious backlash including taking him back to court. We got the papers within days of him laying down boundaries.
I wish you the best. This is hard stuff.
Damn. Ouch. That was really
Damn. Ouch. That was really tough to read/hear. Because you're right. Shit you are so freaking right.
It hurt to hear it when my
It hurt to hear it when my therapist said it to me. But it is SO true. And that turned me from sad to mad. And when I said it to my guy, it really made him think.
Our couples counselor told him he was spreading himself too thin. Trying to please too many people. And the one woman he didn't need to please was his ex wife.
Why in the world is YOUR name
Why in the world is YOUR name on the mortgage for his and BM's house? That makes no sense. They obviously bought this home long before you came on the scene. How did you end up on the mortgage? That makes your DH sound like a big fat loser user.
Look she has his balls. But does she also have your spine? There is no reason on the face of this earth that YOU cannot tell any unwelcome intruder in your home to get the fuck out.
I agree with the letter idea.
I agree with the letter idea. I actually have thought to suggest to DH that one be written by his attorneys office, reaffirming what is actually written in the custody agreement and also outlining what he/we believe the verbal agreements have been. I believe the money to pay the attorney to do this would be worth it. DH again, is on the fence, and sees this as just another provocative move on his part to stir her crazy even frothier.
The house was placed for
The house was placed for sale, during his divorce. We, as a couple, made the decision to buy it together, after our engagement, with a wedding date planned, and after exhaustively looking for other suitable properties in our area.
I knew what I was getting into financially. And for obvious reasons I certainly wasn't going to move into a house with HER name continuing to be on the title and deed. DH did have the option to mortgage alone. I didn't like that. If I'm living here, then my name is going on the mortgage, title, deed, all that crap. We ended up buying it/refinancing it, after it'd been on the market for 6 months, and it was also a final step in closing out his divorce. I have no qualms whatsoever being on a mortgage with him for what's now, OUR house. But yes, financially it binds me. But, so did my previous mortgage on my previous house, just like all mortgages do.....
And yes, she has his balls, I
And yes, she has his balls, I see that. My spine? I guess so, because I'll continually look for ways to push DH to work the boundaries with her, or outright confront her verbally myself, before I'd call cops for a trespassing with her kids watching. She's never been violent or threatening; that'd be a whole nother picture. But for "trespassing" or just violating my boundaries I guess I haven't hit that wall yet where I feel I could go to that extent; with cops.
I think cops are excessive
I think cops are excessive here too. He just needs to tell her and the kids what the rules are and enforce them. Tog laid them out perfectly. But it HAS to come from him. "This is what I want for MY life" and leave you out of it. But he really NEEDS to want that for his life. I think the only way he's going to get there is through counseling.
Agreed. The shift has for to
Agreed. The shift has for to come from him, with my help, and yes, with my thoughts, feelings and rights being considered. Someone would really have to be in danger for me to call for police assistance.
I can see your point. That's
I can see your point. That's unreasonable behavior and I would have done same given those circumstances. Erratic and volatile behavior would never be tolerable! Good for you. I hope she got your message.
Oh do I feel your pain. My
Oh do I feel your pain. My two oldest adult Skids moved away thank God, and that's a whole nother story, not unlike this one. One adult skid never comes around. Ok. The 4th adult skid just walks straight into our house(he lives with BM since he got out of prison, yes prison in May and he is 23) without knocking. I have been married to DH for 5 years. That's five years worth of chances to remember to knock first!!!!!!! Me and Dh bought this house together, btw, not that it makes a lot of difference. Because I LIVE HERE TOO AND SO DOES MY BD12 !!!!! No respect for me and my position in this marriage nor for the fact that I own half of this house!!!! That brings me to the 5th skid, an 11 y/o SD..Oh boy does she think she can run in and out. Last time she tried it, I was home but had the doors locked and later called BM and told HER she should call ME before she has SD 'run by for somethings she forgot'. That forgetting stuff is bullsh*t. It's just another intrusion. It's not ok. I would NEVER run by my exH and his wife's house for any reason without calling first to get the ok from them. I do have a funny story about the 2 oldest. When I would see them pull up, I would take off my pants and run around the house in my undies and shirt. Then when they burst through the door, they are closer to the a$$ they can kiss for barging into my house uninvated and unannounced. They only showed mild embarrassment, and they never fully got the picture of why I would prance around half dressed while people were over. No manners toward me=no manners towards them!!!