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Cross Post: 50/50 custody fight

Thursdaysarethebestdays's picture

Has anyone had any experience fighting for or against 50/50 custody? I'm looking to help DH fight against BM request by getting an idea of what has worked for others in getting or fighting against this request.
Any help is much appreciated . . .

Background:
- DH was primary caregiver during their marriage, and has witnesses (parents, church members, coworkers, teachers) to back up that claim.
- When BM left 4 yrs ago, DH and BM had a verbal agreement that DH would have skids during the week and BM would have them on weekends and BM paid no support for the kids. This schedule worked up until last year.
- Last year BM and her mother started demanding more weekday time with skids so DH filed to stop BM from changing things. The court ordered BM to pay CS as NCP, made DH CP and granted BM "extended" possession, which allowed Thursday overnights. *DH would have gladly refused CS if he could also refuse to give BM those Thursday overnights.* (This is even more so true now since it's not like BM pays the CS).
- The court ordered a social study, in which the Social worker stated, it would be best for the kids if "things stayed the same or moved to a 50/50 arrangement". We believe this encouraged BM attorney to push for 50/50.
- DH's attorney set up mediation for DH and BM, which BM attorney refused. DH attorney suggested that DH try talking to BM about keeping things the same. DH approached BM with the argument that DH "would like to try to put an end to all of this, keeping things as is, because so far the kids have come through all of this unscathed and are doing well". BM rejected this saying "I'm not a weekend mother" (despite her being just that for at least 4 yrs) and she suggested a schedule that involved alternating months or something like that. Obviously, DH rejected this idea.

Now, we feel the following things are in DH favor for keeping things as is, but of course, we can't be sure:
- With the previous schedule, the kids were making great grades and had good behavior.
- We have letters from teachers describing their contact and communication with DH over the years.
- When the Court Ordered the Thursday overnights, we saw a change in behavior of the youngest (i.e. fighting, talking back to teachers, defiant attitude), although we can't exactly prove this because we weren't aware that we should have been keeping track of behavior prior to DH going to court.
- The skids have said things that prove BM talks to them about court order/court process.
- BM has not paid CS.
- When the kids spent 30 days with BM at the beginning of the summer, they didn't complete their daily summer homework (only relevant in that BM is requesting a week on/week off schedule, but this points to an inability to keep up with the responsibility this kind of schedule would take).

I've been reading different things on the internet and I've seen things suggesting that a lot of judges are reluctant to order 50/50 if both parents aren't on board, but we can't really bank on that.

SMof2Girls's picture

I think that you have enough in your favor to argue for things to stay the way they are. Typically, judges like to see that some substantial change has taken place, otherwise, it's disruptive to the kids for no reason.

I suggest you talk to an attorney and really lay out what you want. If she's going in asking for a bunch of crap, you may want to up what you're requesting too. My DH has gotten screwed in the past by only starting out asking for the minimum that he would accept.

Also, why the hell is she getting away without paying child support? I would file that NOW and start holding her accountable.

Thursdaysarethebestdays's picture

"I think that you have enough in your favor to argue for things to stay the way they are . . . otherwise, it's disruptive to the kids for no reason."

That's how DH and I feel too, so I hope that we are all right and the judge agrees.

The sad part is that DH does have an attorney and just last night I had to explain to him (read: yell at him) that he's paying the attorney to fight for his wishes, not just to show up and look pretty. Because court is in about one month, DH is reluctant to get a new attorney so I told him that he needs to get on phone and call every attorney/law firm and Father's Rights group in the area and find someone willing to give him a free consultation, then decide what it is that DH wants his attorney to do and then present that to her. I told him the attorney is required to either fight for what DH wants to the very best of her ability or to let DH know now so that he can get someone else who will fight for what he wants. DH started making calls and sending emails first thing this morning.

As for CS . . . I don't even know what to say about that matter. DH sent an email to his attorney this morning asking for yet ANOTHER update as to what's going on with this, but she hasn't responded.

Today I sent DH an article that discussed CS in 50/50 split arrangements and it detailed how CS is usually decided by taking the difference in what each would pay in CS if the other parent was CP and awarding that, usually to the lower paying parent. For DH, who tends to let these matters frustrate him and make him lazy, hearing that he could possibly go from being owed CS to paying CS to BM seemed to be just what he needed.

As SM I can only help when DH asks, so this has been the HARDEST thing to just sit back and wait for DH to take initiative. But, it's his problem, I'm just along for the ride, unfortunately. (imagine a pained smile here)

SMof2Girls's picture

I know exactly how you feel. You're a fighter .. I'm a fighter .. DH is a fighter when he's angry, but generally he's very agreeable. He's a peace-keeper by nature and he assumes the court will always know the truth and make the right decision. His first attorney was lazy and non-responsive. So yeah .. it was a very frustrating situation to be in.

Hang in there .. remember to take time for yourself. Don't yell at your DH .. keep in mind this is stressful for him too, he's just dealing with it differently. If he doesn't take action and do what he needs to, then BM will win. And he'll have to deal with that.

Point is . you can't care more than he does. It will make you absolutely batshit and possibly drive him away.

Hang in there!

Thursdaysarethebestdays's picture

Thanks, I think I've gotten better at giving him the advice that he asks for without yelling, but yesterday was just rough and I lost it for a second. We talked about how he's definitely the more laid-back, agreeable, peace maker and "think positive" kind of person, whereas I'm the "let's not sit back twiddling our thumbs", "let's do something" and "hope for positive, but prepare for the worst" kind of person.

But as you said about your DH, when DH is angry, he's a fighter.

Thanks so much for your advice and feedback!!