What do you do w/ SD10 that won't talk???
SD10 is here for summer visitation. We only have her for a few weeks in the summer, Christmas break and spring break. Every time she comes there is NO improvement and I really don’t know what to do or if there is anything I can do.
She does NOT talk. For the week she has been here she has probably said 10 words on her own. The rest of the time it is us asking her questions and prodding her to say something. She will answer questions, but in as few words as possible. If we ask what she wants to eat/do/watch? ….all we get is a shoulder shrug. The BM just says “she’s a very quiet child”. . The only time I have seen her act normal is when we had a friend over to play with her.
Some of you probably wish your Skids didn’t speak, but it is seriously annoying and I really feel its disrespectful. If she is shy, shouldn’t that get better with time? I have taken her shopping and we had a girls day of getting our nails done. The BM said she loved her nails, but there is no way I would have known that because the kid looks miserable all the time. Last night when she didn’t eat her dinner, DH asked her if she was full or if she didn’t like it, she said she was full… then she texted BM that it was nasty. Apparently everything I make is nasty.
Do I just ignore her? Do I keep trying? It really makes everyone miserable while she is here, because we can’t seem to do or say anything to make her happy or not “shy”. Its like a having a spy in the room with us, she listens very intently to everything (probably to report it to BM) but will not interact with anyone. She is the same with her dad, maybe a tiny bit better but not really. He has told her numerous times that she needs to speak up and let us know what she needs/wants and that the silent thing doesn’t work…nothing. BM and her family have done a lot of bad-mouthing, is it just that? I’m just really at a loss and so is my husband…..
ignore her. Hopefully she
ignore her. Hopefully she will grow out of it but it usually takes a long time.
My sister was often mistaken for being mute - she would just nod her head to most any query. My mother and I both were constantly getting on to her for being rude. It took going off to college to open her up. Now she is in sales and can talk to a wall.
Like I said, I'm sure most of
Like I said, I'm sure most of the step-mom's on here would love for a Skid that didn't talk. But its very awkward and uncomfortable. She is supposed to be with us so we can have quality time with her and get to know her, but that is impossible. She probably gets to know us because she listens to everything, but we get nothing out of the visit.
DH is fed up and doesn't want her to come anymore, we all know that isn't going to happen but he is very frustrated too.
If she is truly just shy, ok... but what if there is something wrong with her? Its just weird. Her home life is a drama-filled soap opera so I'm sure we are terribly boring to her, but I wonder is some of the craziness at home has affected her, according to BM it hasn't.
So, you think we should just ignore her and maybe someday she'll just snap out of it? I know next time I'm not going to go out of my way to take her places and do things with her...its not worth it.
Do you think that the BM
Do you think that the BM could be talking smack about you guys and everything you do still? SD is probably confused and angry. I'd try to enjoy the silence bc once she cracks, she may have more then an earful to say.
very true!
very true!
One of mine does this too. I
One of mine does this too. I have no advice. She's a shit head.
I don't understand. If BM was
I don't understand. If BM was bad mouthing you all the time, there's no way she would have told you the child loved her nails.
I think given her visits are few and far between if she is a shy child, she really doesn't have time to get over her shyness with you and her father. Maybe don't try so hard. Just let her open up on her own. If and when she does.
I've had two SK's do that to
I've had two SK's do that to me.... for going on 8 years. They refuse to speak to me. I used to let it upset me but I won't let them know that anymore (it does still upset me... but what am I going to do??). I ignore them. And I've also heard the "they're shy!!" from my DH. I called BullSHIT on that one.
The SK's live close so I've watched quite a few interactions. They love their grandparents, but not when BM is within eyesight/earshot. They will literally blow off their dad if we're all in the same place together. Their mom has badmouthed me in front of them (and in front of ME) so I'm sure that didn't help.
And I disagree that the BM can badmouth you yet tell you the child loved her nails. Our BM will be sweet and understanding and seemingly cooperative to our faces (except for that one time) but then turn around and call me everything except late for dinner.
It sounds as though your SD lives quite a ways away from you - by your description that she only comes for holidays and some time in the summer.
Yes she lives 1200 miles away
Yes she lives 1200 miles away from us. BM was very nasty when I first entered the picture and she tried to stir up lots of trouble. It was just last summer that she decided she wanted to play nice and get along. She admitted to the PASing done by her and her mother and she thought if she and I got along SD10 would see this and would be more accepting of us. So I accommidate her but I in no way trust her.
I know that the damage has been done, and I do understand about being shy. But I would just think in time she would get better, so that's why I kinda wonder if it's not a chosen behavior, like DreamPurple is saying. Plus, like B22S22, I have seen her in situations where she behaves like a normal (not shy) child so that seems odd too.
Also every time she comes, she behaves a bit differently (example: the shyness was worse this time), maybe its just an age thing but I also wondered if we should think about a counselor. I would usually try to interact with her a little then if she didnt respond I would just ignore her, but that doesn't feel 'right' either.... guess that's what we'll do though.
Funny...while she is here, if you ask her a question she will answer but she whispers so you can't hear her. When she called DH to let him know she made it back home... her voice was so loud we could hear it across the room!
haha, that made me laugh
haha, that made me laugh (psycho-analyze someone else's kid) but you are 100% correct. I'm putting more effort into trying to figure out what is wrong with her than its worth (and more effort than her own parents too or that matter!)
Have you tried maybe writing
Have you tried maybe writing her letters? When I first met my SD(now)9, she was VEEERRRRYYY quiet, but I wanted so bad to have a connection with her that I wasn't about to let silence stop me. So one night, I wrote her a letter and left it on her pillow. It had nothing to do with her, me, or the DH -- it was, in fact, the beginning of a story (complete with "Once Upon a Time, in a faraway land...") that I purposefully only wrote a couple paragraphs to. I ended the letter with, "What do you think happens next?"
She wrote ME the next part of the story and left it on MY pillow. And this continued for more than a month until we finished the story completely.
If you want a connection with a kid, sometimes you have to think like one
Good luck, OP!
Seems to me like she doesn't
Seems to me like she doesn't feel a connection with you or her dad because of hardly seeing you two.
Definitely keep trying. When she is with her mom, do you or your husband call to talk to her? With only. Few weeks out of a year you two have her, I think he should be calling her everyday. Doesn't need to be a in-depth convo, but this is a great way to build a better relationship with her.
You should try sending her little cards and small gifts while she is at moms. If bio is talking crud on you two, you have to show and prove to your sd that what bio says is not true.
You got to keep the connection strong and present while she is gone. Her silence will improve once she feels connected to you both.
That is a cute idea BFN. I
That is a cute idea BFN. I don't know her well enough to know how she would react to it, but it might be worth a shot.
kmseiler, you are probably right about her not feeling a connection with us since we only have her a few weeks. But would the connection get worse every time like it has? You would think in time it would get better...
I know DH doesn't call her enough between visits. We gave her a 'kid' phone so they can call each other directly without going through BM. The phone is usually lost or is dead when he tries to call. BM just told me last week that if we got her a phone with texting she would have it with her all the time....hmmm. I have sent her cookies and a card and a few goodies for Easter. Nothing big but just a "thinking of you" type thing. I guess I'm not very good at persistence when I don't get much response.
Thats what is hard for me... do I just keep trying, to the point of feeling used and abused (that's where I am now). Or do I just back off and let the two of them do what they want to do and not get involved?
Dude, I totally understand.
Dude, I totally understand. My SS says nothing but "I don't know" to every inquiry. Unless he needs something or DS is bothering him, he doesn't say a word. BM decided to be a vindictive bitch after DH and I got married this past December and didn't allow DH to speak or see SS until May. When my husband picked him up for the first time, DH was in tears and wanted nothing more than to hear what was new with him. All we got was "I don't know." Annoying and rude as hell.
Lucky you! Enjoy that fact
Lucky you! Enjoy that fact that she doesn't open her damn pie hole every 5 minutes and interrupts adult conversation.