How do you know when it’s over?
I have been married less than a year. I have posted previously that, although my husband doesn’t work summers (he’s a teacher), he doesn’t do anywhere near his share of the housework. He does maybe 10%, if that. I work at least 45 hours a week.
I came home last night, and the house was a disaster, as usual. He wasn’t home, so I texted him to find out where he was and why he didn’t even load the dishwasher.
He responded that he was going to do the dishes, but stepprincess15 called and needed a ride somewhere. I found out later that he did nothing but play video games the rest of the day before she called, but the “chance to spend time with her” is his excuse.
Right now, in my heart, I feel like I am done.
I still love my husband very much, but I have no respect left for him. None.
I am either going to email a marriage counselor or a divorce attorney this morning. One or the other. I don’t know yet which it will be.
^^^THIS^^^ Sometimes a
^^^THIS^^^ Sometimes a situation can become more tolerable just because you know you have options.
How do you know when it's
How do you know when it's over? You will know, believe me. It's a very definite point you reach when you cannot see a future with your DH and staying together is a worse prospect than striking out on your own. I dithered for a few years, but in the end I had just stopped loving him because of the way I had been treated - and I simply couldn't stay.
I feel silly asking this, but
I feel silly asking this, but is it normal to feel that way this early in a marriage? Am I just a quitter?
No one in my family has been divorced. This is my first marriage, at age 41.
I feel like all I am is a maid and a paycheck, so he and his kids can live better than they did before he met me.
"I feel silly asking this,
"I feel silly asking this, but is it normal to feel that way this early in a marriage? Am I just a quitter?"
It IS normal to feel this when you are not being treated right, regardless of how long you have been married.
You are NOT a quitter if you don't quit on yourself, your well-being and your own sanity.
Have you had a come to Jesus talk with him? Does he know how you've been feeling?
Somebody really needs to tell
Somebody really needs to tell me what a COME TO JESUS meeting is, because I am from Aus, and we don't have those. But they are referred to quite often on here.
LOL- Come to Jesus meetings
LOL- Come to Jesus meetings are just a way of laying it all out and giving an ultimatum.
i love Urban Dictionary-
i love Urban Dictionary- http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=come+to+jesus+meeting
maybe that'll help!!! that site comes in handy quite often, even sometimes just for fun
And, they sound helpful.
And, they sound helpful.
If ALL you are is a maid and
If ALL you are is a maid and a paycheck, and if this is something that is the rule and not the exception for the majority of your marriage I would lay it ALL bare with dh ASAP and if he shows NO interest in going to counseling or CHANGING not just in word but in action then NO you are NOT a quitter and I would leave too.
You deserve better! No one should be treated like that by their spouse. EVER. *hugs*
I don't know if I really AM
I don't know if I really AM just a maid and a paycheck. But that's how I feel.
He can take his princess to an expensive lunch every week. He never takes me to lunch. Never. Ever. Doesn't happen.
& he's taking her on your
& he's taking her on your money. Honey you need separate finances. I think that'll solve most of your problems. Stop supporting his kids. Do what you WANT to do with your money for his kids & nothing more.
If you do about 90% of the
If you do about 90% of the housework, and you are paying HIS CS while he lounges around and plays video games etc, then I hate to say this to you my friend, but you are a maid and a paycheck. You FEEL that way because it is TRUE.
And the fact that he treats his CHILD to expensive lunches on the regular and NOT his own WIFE is DISGUSTING! He should be ashamed of himself for treating you the way he does. You don't deserve that, not now, not ever.
If you start pulling back on
If you start pulling back on those things you will find out if you are just a maid and a paycheck to him!
I hate to say this but when DH and I got married I let him know I expected a date night EVERY week! Sometimes it's with family or friends but we have one night a week that we take turns planning what we will do.
This may be one of those
This may be one of those situations that can be solved by you leaving for a few days/weeks & him realizing that he needs you desperately to survive.
& take your paycheck with you.
^^^EXACTLY^^^ If you take
^^^EXACTLY^^^
If you take your paycheck away from him then and only then will you see and know his TRUE colors!!!
Ain't it the truth! Guilty
Ain't it the truth! Guilty Daddy has threatened to do bodily harm to me, my family members and property damage should I ever try and kick him out of MY house because he knows he can't live without my wages. His non-arrears CS is so high it leaves him FAR below the poverty level--equivalent of a part time job at walmart is what he "brings home."
Ten years a hostage as of tomorrow. Run while you can and find a nice, child-FREE man! They are worth their weight in platinum.
WTF?! No judgement but
WTF?! :? :O
No judgement but seriously why are you still there?! Get the PD involved or an RO or something and GTFO! I would hate for something to happen to you!
IMO, the first year of
IMO, the first year of marriage is really hard especially if you are older. DH and I had a long distance relationship so when we got married I was shocked at what was expected from me. I thought we had discussed everything possible and worked it all out before hand.
I had raised my kids and lived alone for a few years and did not want to take on the household responsibilities just because I was the female. DH is older too and because of this, he expected me to do all the womanly duties and yet I still worked.
He thought I married him for the paycheck and I thought he married me because he wanted a live in maid.
Maybe both of those points have some validation. I was tired of being solely responsible for everything financially (and age is catching up with me) but the REAL reason I married DH is because I love him and I wanted a companion.
DH was tired of having to do all the cooking, cleaning and working too. I do believe he loves me though.
I pulled back and stopped doing all the cleaning and laundry (still cooked) for DH, SS and I. (This was difficult for me but I did it).
DH pulled back on his paycheck (except for regular HH expenses).
Now it seems we have a better balance. I don't feel so used and neither does he.
I suggest if you feel like the maid then stop being the maid especially when skids are there.
If you feel like just the paycheck then put a tighter rein on YOUR money and only fund what is expected on the HH expenses and the extras that you want to fund.
If you are like me you had an idea of what marriage would be (2nd time for me) and when I got married I realized even at MY age there is still alot of things that needed to be worked out.
in my case, it was over when
in my case, it was over when i no longer gave a shit. when i couldnt even find it in me to shed even one single tear cuz i simply didnt give a rats ass anymore. he couldnt make me sad or hurt my feelings, cuz those feelings just were not there at all. tasha's avatar says it - my "give a damn" was truly busted.
his behavior towards you hurts. and u have to care about someone to be hurt by them. please have a truly heartfelt talk with him, lay it all out on the table about how you feel, AND get counseling!!!!!
AND take NewSecondWife's
AND take NewSecondWife's advice - NSW, your experience and how you guys handled it was beautifully stated!
Tuff, thanks. I didn't want
Tuff, thanks. I didn't want DH to feel like I married him for his money so I started helping more. If we went out (movies, dinner, etc) with SS I always expect DH to pay but I may pay the tip.
If he and I are alone sometimes I will pay. It's my treat to my DH.
DH makes about double what I make and the house is in his name so he pays for the house and all HH expenses. I pay for my car, our cell phones, a few other extras, extra HH stuff and anything I buy for my children.
He pays for everything for SS.
We have a joint Household account and keep everything else separate.
TBH, I think the first 3 years of marriage is REAL tough especially when the couple is older and/if there is skids involved.
Stepdown, I agree. The
Stepdown, I agree. The person that is home the most should be doing 90% of all of the HH chores!!!
when you've delivered the
when you've delivered the ultimatums and began disassembling your marriage and he doesn't lift a finger to make things better and make you happy. you're going to have to tear this marriage apart and address each and every issue that needs to be worked on and start over. he'll either jump in or he'll let you go. either way, you're going to be MUCH better off. write your list of what he needs to do and #1 should be marriage counseling. marriage is much hard with skids involved. by the time we reached out 2nd wedding anniverasary, our marriage was TOTALLY different. i'm a grown woman who can support myself. i don't NEED by dh, but i want him. when that changes, i'll start disassembling again to re-negotiate our marriage. do what it takes to get his attention and re-negotiate.