His hobbies sound more like an addiction.
And I don't know what to tell you. If he won't parent, and you are disengaged-your only choices are to
1) do all of the parenting and let your DH do his "hobbies" all day, thus making you exhausted and resentful
or 2) leave. I hate to say it, but what other choices are there?

I couldn't live like that. I feel so bad for you. It would be annoying if he just tuned out and did nothing, but he is johnny on the spot with discipline when it comes to your kids and that would piss me the eff off.

Is there anything SS14 cares about? ANything at all? You need leverage. Quite frankly, part of SS14's problem could be the complete lack of attention he gets from his father. If he is neglecting you for his hobbies, he's likely neglecting SS14 too. He's dumped him into your care. He clearly doesn't care enough to have any expectations from him. Kids are smart. I'm not defending you SS. He sounds like a world class douchefuck, but he seems to be overly defiant and part of that is maintaining control over a life that he had no say in. His mom isn't around. His dad isn't around. And while you are there, you have your own kids. He knows he is odd man out. Again, his feelings don't give him the right to his behaviors, but seeing the cause, might help with the solution.

Hismine....I know this wont help you but please know that I am a Bio mom of 3 and Step to two. My SS19 lives at our house as does my BS14 and BS23. EVERY SINGLE day, I repeat the EXACT same things. Make your bed, take out the garbage, wash your plate, do your laundry, pick up your sneakers, put down the tv, change your sheets, show me your homework, make your bed, take out the garbage, why is there a cup on your nightstand? And blah, blah, blah. My DH works extremely long & excruciating hours, so when he is off, he lays on the couch all day while I clean, do laundry, tend to the groceries and the kids. I also commute and work full time. It has become a way of life and honestly, I have given up fighting it. I took a 5 day trip last week to the Caribbean with my girlfriends. I left a schedule on the fridge of what needed to be done and my sons sports schedule. On my way home from the airport I called DH. He and the boys were scrambling to get the house in shape for my arrival. It confirmed what I already knew, that they NEED me to keep order and that without me looming over them nothing gets done. Thankfully, I don't have to deal with disrespectful Skids. They respect me and actually genuinely like me which makes things much easier. I won't put up with disrespect EVER so that might be why they don't even try it. I say have a family meeting. Discuss expectations, 10 loads of laundry are a no no. If they won't do their laundry, grab a garbage bag and THROW IT ALL AWAY!!! (Or at the very least drop it off at a laundromat and make DH pay for it) I wish you luck, it isn't easy to do it all, but take it from me, you're not the only one girlfriend!!!

I am there with you. Only my DH seems to have thrown himself into work for his avoidance. I am stuck with 4 kids alone in the house, 2 of which are his. Like you, I love my DH, I have no intentions of divorcing him but I am lost as to what I can do to force him to caring for his own kids and participating again.

I am tired, I am feeling used, I don't want to raise his kids, their BM is less than 10 mins from here, if he doesn't want to spend time with them, and she doesn't want to spend time with them - NEWSFLASH - I don't either, I didn't birth them - will you please care for own kids and help out a little around here.

I work too, I seem to have inherited all household duties on top PLUS 2 extra children that I didn't ask to be in charge of. DH hides at work or on his PC when home. DH will stay up until 3\4 AM sometimes too on the PC either playing games or doing work - then the same, can barely drag his ass out of bed in t he morning, how nice, 4 kids are fed, ready for school with their lunches made, want some of the coffee I made too? Gee you are tired - WELL SO AM I.

DH has climbed into some avoidance - the only days he comes home on time from work are days when HIS kids aren't here - its a total pattern - so WTF?!?!?!

When you figure out something that works, PM me - I am dying to know how to get these fathers to reengage in raising their children and participating.

We have a bed wetter in our house. I put the plastic on his mattress because I did not want it ruined and for it to smell. Skid has one set of sheets and one blanket. Every day Dh and I check skids bed, because he will lie to us. We have shown skid how to use the washer and dryer, we see that he follows through. Then skid makes the bed.

My skids leave wet towels on the floor along with their laundry. We watch them to make sure they put their wet towel in the bathroom hamper and their clothes go into the hall hamper.

DH need to take responsibility for his kid. He doing hobbies to AVOID the stresses of his home life. Have you tried reading "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin? I recommend it!

Have you done any counseling? It's gonna take some serious rules and boundaries among everyone to get results.

If you really can't stand it any longer - an ultimatum to your DH might be the only thing left to you. What do YOU want to happen?

I don't think there is anythin anyone can say to help you. You have stated that you will not leave, so you have to live with it. If you can't get your DH to contribute to his son's upbringing and contribute to household chores, then you have no choice but to do it all. And if you do, then you are only giving your DH the opportunity to keep disengaging. He is the one disengaged, not you...he has chosen to disengage from YOU and his son, and his marriage from what it sounds. I hate to be harsh, but sounds to me like your not going to try to change your DH. It is not your SS's fault, he is allowed to get away with all he is doing so he will continue, he is a kid, that's what kids do if they are allowed to. So since you won't leave your DH, you need to just buck up and take charge of everything, the house, your step son, your job, laundry, all of it because you certainly aren't expecting any help from your DH, so guess it's your job!

Have you thought about writing him a letter and telling him everything you posted here? Letting him know how you feel. I know this is probably a simplistic suggestion but I can understand not wanting to leave him. I’d leave the letter where he does his hobbies.

Something like:

Dear DH,

I would like to tell you some things that you may, or may not, be aware of. Things that I see happening in our home and that I need your help to fix. I need us to be a team to get through this.

I’ve been noticing that you’ve been spending hours of time on hobbies. I would estimate about 95% of your time is spent on hobbies. Hobbies are important but they keeping you from helping me with the house and kids.

While you’re busy with your hobbies I am caring for the 4 children. I am doing housework. I am trying to make the children contribute to housework. Yet, ss14 listens to nothing I say.

Regarding ss14 here are some things that you may not be aware of that need to be addressed by you as ss14 doesn’t listen to me:

1. ss14 is out of meds. He has been out of meds since Friday.

2. ss14 started on a new med at nighttime about 2 weeks ago. He has maybe been given it 50% of the time. Ss14 was supposed to have doubled his dose by now.

3. ss14 has dog shit on the floor of his room that has been there since Friday.

4. ss14 has probably close to 10 loads of laundry that needs to be done in his room.

5. ss14 has probably 6-7 wet blankets in his bedroom along with 10 mildewy towels. His new mattress that we purchased a little over a month ago is now yellow-despite him having a plastic sheet that he has been told (by me several times) to put on there.

6. The alarm the doctor recommended, and you bought 6 weeks ago, is not being used. Nor has the psychiatrist appointment been made that the doctor recommended 6 weeks ago.

7. ss14 has needed new shoes pretty much since he moved in with us back at the beginning of March.

The fact is no one is parenting ss14. If that didn’t affect me then I wouldn’t care-but it does me and everyone else in the family. Our house reeks of urine. Ss14 is a first class asshole without his meds (maybe only a third rate one when on them), he yells at the other kids daily-he yells at me if I try and force him to do anything. To be honest it irks me to no end that he can misbehave and still gets the same privileges as the kids.

I need your help, for me and our family, and for ss14. ss14 needs you. He needs guidance and direction that only you as his father can give. I’m here to support you to work together to get through this. I can’t continue to do this on my own.

Love, hismineandours

Just my 2 cents ~BettyRay

hismineandours,
I am well past those child raising years and dealing with a husband that is oblivious to the amount of stress and work load required to maintain the household. But I do remember the frustration many years ago when I was in my early 30"s and raising 5 children.

This was in the early 80's. Recession and job loss had hit the family hard. Husband lost his job and did not return to work for 5 years. [college] So I went to work full time and also picked up every bit of over time available. Unfortunately I had married a first generation american who was the only boy and had been raised with many old country ideas like mom and sisters do all the child care and household duties.

He refused to pick up any of the responsibility even though I was working. I finally asked just what he was willing to do. His answer---Wash the cars and cut the grass. His mom and sisters babysat the children.

He came home from school one day to find the stove gone---sold it
All the pots ,pans, dishes, silverware boxed up and put away.
We had a microwave and a crock pot, styrophome bowls,plastic utensils
This reduced many hours of work for me.

All the many, many, many outfits of clothing that everyone owned---packed away. Left everyone with 5 or 6 outfits,underclothes. Removed a lot of clutter that way.

Toys, reduced to very few of the favorites. And what they did have, they did not dare to leave out on the floor.

All the nic-knacks, just stuff was packed away and out of sight. I was fortunate that his family lived only a few minutes from us, they were left babysitting, providing a lot of meals. Of course in their eyes this made me "worst mom of the year" but I didn't care. They raised their son to have these views about how a family and household is run. They could take care of the responsibility.

Everyone loves raymond----the mother on that show often reminds me of that past husband's mother. The street they lived on had 5 houses with their family members. Everyone in each others business. I was lucky enough to convince the husband to buy our place several streets over.

My DH has a hobby, I hate it...He does not spend that much time on it but he spends a good amount of time. He rebuilds old cars, which takes years. So I understand the hobby side. The OMG dirty shit of your SS OMG. My SD is slob but shes not dirty Thank God. Honey I totally know the not leaving him thing. I am in a pickle myself with SD16 (check my blogs) and hear where your comming from. I would however do something about the shit on his floor...OMG that is INSANE!!!! The smell of urine in your home...Oh HELL NO!!!! Honey you need to talk to DH and put some cleaning in effect for SS and DH....This is just uncalled for....Good luck to you. We all need luck and prayers here!!!

I think alot of your problem is that precedent has been set. Same as 3in1fam, same as Tex with the super pooper skid, same as alot of SMs. You have been letting (intentional or not) DH disengage from kids and you. It's OK for him if stuff doesn't get done because you'll handle it and if you don't then no skin off his nose, he doesn't care one way or the other. If SS is acting like an assfuck, you'll handle it and if you don't again, DH doesn't care one way or the other. If he "forgets" to weedwack, no biggie, you'll keep reminding him or do it yourself.

He is basically acting like a little child that needs to be poked and prodded to do anything out of the realm of what HE WANTS to do and YOU are the one that is suffering. I think the only way to change it is to do just that.. CHANGE IT! But how far are you willing to let it go?

I can honestly say that I have a limit. I am all for disengaging.. for instance Skids left 4 wet towels on their floor last time they were here. whatever, I refuse to pick them up, DH finally noticed them 2 weeks later and put them in the laundry. I can deal with that... not my ideal way of living, but I can deal. Now, if skids had pissy mattresses, pissy blankets, sheets, dirty clothes etc piled in their rooms and DH did nothing? Hell to the no. I could not and would not live like that.

I agree with what someone else said in that your DHs "hobby" has turned into an obsession. Not good. Not good for him, not good for you and not good for kids. Can you get HIM to go to counseling or does he already go for his PTSD? Would you accept it if his hobby/obsession was surfing porn? I know it's apples to oranges, but you yourself said that he moves from one obsession to the next like changing underwear. What will be next?

I just started reading "Co dependant no more" and I am learning a TON. Check it out, you may be surprised at what you learn and how the strategies will help you!

It is a pity your Dh doesn't consider laundry a hobby.

I would gather up all SSs clothes and take it to a laundra-mat and leave it there. Tell DH what you have done and if he wants his son to have clean clothes he can pick the stuff up and pay for it. He gets a hospital quality mattress. Covered with nice plastic.

I understand dealing with a DH with quirks. Every now and then my DH gets a new X-Box game and I may as well take a trip back to NZ for about 3 weeks. He gets obsessed by it. from the time he gets home @ 5:30 until 12 midnight (and this guy NEEDS his sleep!)he is at it over and over again. When one of the kids call and ask about a clunking sound their car is making DH will dwell on it and his foot starts tapping and his fingers start tapping and he talks to himself as he tries to find out what is wrong with the car based on a clueless teens noise imitation.

I think you need to consider the environment you are raising your own children. Will they thank you in years to come for sticking through this marriage despite a creeped out S/Brother and a stepfather who is absent at best? You cna always have him leave with his son and remain married. If my s/sons drove me to dispair I would seriously consider this option.

Not saying how I know this, ahem, but to me it sounds like a drug user. Is that possible?? You don't have to answer here.

But the not listening, not noticing, obsessions, sleeping, etc. sounds like his mind is clouded and not in a slight head injury way?

There is nothing more annoying to me than trying to rely on someone w/substance abuse, ex. my dad when he was younger. !!!

You just want to smack them!! If that could be an issue, that is what you should address imo.