We had to force my oldest step to visit his biomom for the two or three visits they ever had. He would have panic attacks, anxiety and insomnia weeks before he was supposed to go on a visit. At age 16 or so he refused to get on the airplane even though the younger SS wanted to go for the visit. At that point seeing the mental state of my SS my husband did not force him to go.

My husband called our attorney. At age 16 no one could really force him to go visit an absentee parent. BM made a few threats but then she knew better than to do that because if it went to court it would not be good for her.

My own opinion is that it greatly benefits kids to have a relationship with both of their parents, if that is at all possible.

Obviously, if mom or dad shoots heroin in front of the kids, is abusive to them in any other way, or is just unable/unwilling to provide a safe environment for their visits, then that would not be possible.

If my had my own children, I believe that, yes, I would "force" them to spend time with their non-custodial parent, barring any of the extenuating circumstances above.

It seems that sometimes bio parents let their own negative opinions (often fully justified) of the former spouse interfere with their children's needs to stay connected to that parent.

I would insist that my child at least meet his/her other parent for lunch regularly, if nothing else. Totally blowing off their other parent would NOT be an option. It is totally disrespectful, for one thing, and ultimately harmful to the child.

It's none of the step-parents business and they should butt out of the visitation issue.

My dh doesn't see ss15. I don't encourage him to and dh doesn't try to force the issue. The kid has wrecked havoc on our family so IMO the less contact better-however it has been ss's choice. SS first stopped wanting to come when he was 13. Just would not show up over and over again. He lived with mil at the time and she felt he shouldn't have to come. He came back and lived with us briefly last year and now is back at mil's. Dh has had one "visit" at a public location with him in the last year. Again, ss will abruptly refuse contact for months on end and then randomly get back into contact.

If dh and I divorced, would I make my kids see dh? Probably so-with a few exceptions. I would not make, in fact would not allow them to visit, if I had some sort of evidence that ss was there. Also, if something occurred like dh got involved with drugs and such that would cause me to deny visits. My two oldest are not technically not his bios and they are 14 and 15 so I truthfully would let them decide what they wanted to do.

For me it would depend on why the child wants to stay away.

If it's because of being mistreated by dad and/or SM, then I would agree.

My SD16 does not want to come to our house anymore because she doesn't like me. So my DH will go visit her at bio moms twice a week and offer for her to come visit. I try to stay away during the visits to give him some space with her. SS12 always wants to come to our house. He and I get along fine. He goes away with us regularly and stays with us a lot of weekends. I don't suggest to my DH forcing his daughter to come over, I just tell him to remain in contact with her to show her you still care. Until she gets through the teenage years this is how we like to keep it. If she never wants to spend time with me in our home, that's OK too. I really don't care for her either so it makes my life a little easier.

But with that being said, I would never interfere with DH's relationships with his kids. He is free to go visit with them, take the on trips and what ever he feels like to doing with them. I will go when it's just him and SS12 but I have enough things in my life to keep me busy when they're not around. I actually like the peace and quiet in my home when there's no one around. So I would say everyone has a differernt perspective on this issue.

Heck no I wouldn't try to make my DH enforce his visitation. That's his business.

I agree with Lady as well, but there are times when you can't physically force a kid (especially a teenager) to go if they REALLY don't want to.

I was, unfortunately, witness to one such incidence. The younger brother of a good friend was supposed to visit his dad (flying) out of state. I was supposed to send him to the airport. When I got to the apartment, I found that he changed his mind last minute, refusing to go, throwing a huge tantrum--saying he was afraid of the airplane (which was BS because they've been flying to see their dad every year before). Bags had been packed, suitcases were at the door.. His mom and sister were alternating between begging and yelling (including threatening to take away the car his dad bought for him and my friend) at him to get in the car. He absolutely refused (I tried reasoning with him to no avail). It wasn't a case of PAS as their mom was always very clear that their relationship with their dad is extremely important. They even tried dragging him but he's near 6' at 16 years old, and everyone else is in the 5'2-4 range.

He ended up missing his flight and wasting both his mom and dad's money on the ticket.

We have had to "force" the kids to go to visitation before. Saying to them she is still their mom, even if they don't have fun there, or done like her boyfriend babysitting them.

My neice and nephew stopped going to see their dad when the girl was old enough to drive herself and her brother.... She stated by saying she would drive herself and her brother to visitation instead of her dad coming to pick them up. Dad was ok with this.
Then she started leaving visitation early "because of plans" for one reason or another...
Then she started coming down late and leaving early. Then skipping weekends.
Then their dad turned their bedrooms into bedrooms for his girlfriend's kids and let them move in.
My neice drove down there, saw the bedrooms were no longer theirs and drove right back home, never been back. She was 16, her brother was 13. Their dad never offered to resume driving to come get them. This whole process only took 6 months... But I guess it was gradual enough that dad didn't notice or didn't care.

I have and would attempt to facilitate a relationship between the child and the other parent. Making the child feel like they have a choice is what leads to a lot of the entitlement that makes s/kids so annoying.

However, when they got to be older - say 12-13 range, I would take their opinion into consideration. Meaning, they don't get to skip out just because Jane wants them to go with to the mall. BUT - if they have an excuse that I feel is valid (and not just a sympathy ploy), I would allow them to stay home after that point.

I equate it with going to a family reunion. Do kids always want to go to a family reunion? Probably not. They probably think it is going to be boring. But a lot of times after being there for a while, they will start to connect with others and have fun. Just because it isn't MY family doesn't mean that my child shouldn't still make connections with them.

With my son, the point was moot because his father never asked for or attempted to exercise any visitation. Now that he is over 18, he wants to have a relationship with him. I just told my son that he is an adult and it is his choice now whether or not he wants to have a relationship.

I think it depends.

If the kid doesn't want to go there just because, off they go.

If the kid doesn't want to go there because they have issues with Dad, SM and/or another person that can be worked out, off they go with my encouragement to talk with Dad, and with the person/people they have issues with.

If they want to miss visitation to go to a school function or see friends, I'll call their dad and get back to them. If he says he wants them to come, off they go. Hopefully, he'd realize that most kids want to hang out with their friends on the weekends as opposed to their parents and view them doing so as a way of their gaining independence.

My BS sometimes wants to stay hone but I make him visit his dad. I think it's important for kids to develop a relationship with both parents. I tell him it's his dads time and he needs to go. There are plenty of things he would rather be doing but whenever he comes home he is always raving about having a good time doing guy stuff with his dad. As parents it's our job to make sure they do the things they don't want to do knowing it will benefit them in the long run.

As a BM to a 20 & 22 Ur old I experienced the "I don't want to go" when the oldest was around 14 & for a while I forced them to go EOW but as time went on & being 5'4" 110lbs I could no longer physically force my son into the car to meet halfway (20 min drive each). I called and advised their dad I physically could not do it anymore & he was more than welcome to come "make" him go & actually be a parent. Well I guess the 40 min drive was too long....it became unimportant when he had to do the forcing....so I don't believe all BM's are pas'ing when that statement gets used. At 14 & up they want to hang with their friends not the BM or BD. They certainly werent sitting around the house with me. I think the kids are just trying to be normal!

If there's a CO in place, there isn't a choice. The judge made the choice.

If a parent feels a child is in danger with the other parent, it should be addressed with the police & with the courts.

Judges order time with both parents because it's important. Unfortunately for many (my DH included) too many parents take it upon themselves to withhold visitation or completely ignore it.

If the parents make it understood, from the beginning, that it an order from the courts rather than a decision made by the child or the parents, it just becomes normal routine. When they get the idea that there's anymore choice to be made, that's when problems begin.

Not pushing for visitation that's being withheld creates problems because the longer a child goes without seeing the other parent, the more "normal" it becomes for them. Then a parent gets tired of it & decides to push (as my DH did) & the courts won't push it because it disrupts what the child(ren) has gotten familiar with.

SS13 often does not want to come to our house because he likes to hole up in his room and play computer games. He claims to have something important online to do and BM claims he doesn't want to come because we don't have a computer in his room here. None of the kids have computers in their rooms here because they have two of the three of them have no RL friends and spend all their time on their computers at BM's house. I think this is a crap reason, especially since the time holed up in his room has resulted in the kid having a vitamin D deficiency, but BM thinks it's valid so it often results in two kids coming and one stay at BM's. Yet another of the myriad of issues with the skids in my home.

My kid's baby daddy is incarcerated, for my attempted homicide, while my children watched. I see zero benefit in my case for my kids to ever see him. He sues me from jail for free for visitation, thankfully my attorney keeps him away from them every time.

A therapist of my children's once told me, upon my asking, "should I let them have contact with their father?" said: You have to meet a child "where they are". By that she meant: are your kids asking for their father, do they want to write him letters, ask to talk to him on the phone, etc. My response of course was NO. My kids never once ask about anything about their dad. That tells me to meet them right there. OFFER nothing unless they begin to ask. My kids were 6 and 3 respectively when the attack on me occurred. Now they are 10 and almost 8. Still to this day don't speak one word about him.

I think maybe when they are teens they might be curious, and I have saved all the correspondence he's ever sent to them in a box at my mother's house. I pray that day never comes, but if it does, i'll at least have something to give them.

My kid's baby daddy is incarcerated, for my attempted homicide, while my children watched. I see zero benefit in my case for my kids to ever see him. He sues me from jail for free for visitation, thankfully my attorney keeps him away from them every time.

A therapist of my children's once told me, upon my asking, "should I let them have contact with their father?" said: You have to meet a child "where they are". By that she meant: are your kids asking for their father, do they want to write him letters, ask to talk to him on the phone, etc. My response of course was NO. My kids never once ask about anything about their dad. That tells me to meet them right there. OFFER nothing unless they begin to ask. My kids were 6 and 3 respectively when the attack on me occurred. Now they are 10 and almost 8. Still to this day don't speak one word about him.

I think maybe when they are teens they might be curious, and I have saved all the correspondence he's ever sent to them in a box at my mother's house. I pray that day never comes, but if it does, i'll at least have something to give them.

I disagree stormsabruin my kids went eow, holidays & half summer...by the time they were teenagers...they just wanted to do stuff on the weekends with their friends...not stay home with me but be in the neighborhood with friends from school not an hour away. They had this schedule for 10 years before the I'm not going this weekend started (ie: my friend is having this or that this weekend)

This made me think of a question.

Has anyone ever had to deal with "physically" having to put the child in the vehicle against their will? Kicking screaming? Or as another poster said, being dead weight and not capable of putting them into the vehicle?

What do the parents do then? What can be done?

@ outsider, yes see my previous comment on 7/17. It sucked!!!!

The kids have never had to be "put" into a car but they sure as hell drag their feet,... there might even be ruts forming in the lawn,...lol.... The kids are already to the point I personally could not force them to go,... but my SO? He can pick ME UP WITH ONE HAND AND PUT ME ON HIS SHOULDER,- I'm a size 10- Not miniature sized... He could force his kids to go,... They respect him enough I guess to not physically disobey him that way,... but they sure let their "voices" be heard