I don't know if this is something that can be fixed or if it is just "who HE is". I just don't think that I could handle what your fiance is doing personally. It would be different if she had behavioral issues or something but he just seems mean.

When I met my DH my BS was almost 3 years old. My son was horrible. He was the most ill behaved, bratty, tantrum having child I have ever met. I, his own mother, loved him because, well, because I was his mom, but even I couldn't stand him half the time. In the beginning of our relationship, he treated my BS very much like you are describing here. I'll say it took him a good 5 years before he actually bonded with my son. During those 5 years, he was very distant from my son. He'd make fun of him, any interaction involved being scolded, yelled at, etc...
One day, my son, at age 8, screamed at me in tears BEGGING me to leave DH. He said "I HATE HIM & I DONT WANT HIM HERE ANYMORE!" That was a turning point for me.
I cried and I told my DH that if he couldn't treat my son with an ounce of affection that our relationship would be over. I told him that I knew he could never love him as if he were his own, but that he was MY son and if that if he loved ME, he would find a way to care about my child. That my children were the most important people in my life and that I could not be with a man that couldn't treat my youngest child with a semblance of kindness.
Things changed after that. I think he knew I'd walk if things didn't change.
Today, my BS is almost 16. When he speaks to his friends he refers to my DH as Dad. Not my Step-dad. Whenever he fills out forms for school and it asks for Father's Info - he puts down my DHs info.
They get along amazingly well now and I am thrilled. My youngest has ADHD and he was just an awful kid in his younger years. Thankfully, his behavior has changed and it has helped things.
I'd lay it out for your BF, if he can't find a way to bond with her, you should probably leave him. I would have left if things didn't resolve themselves.

It would be different story if your child was a spoiled brat that never picked up after herself and was rude and disrespectful, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

"about how she walks...how she tells long boring stories...how it's her fault her friend doesn't like her anymore"

If this is what your BF is complaining about, I would not worry that you won't find a man that likes your child. Heck, my daughter tells long boring stories and yeah, it annoys my BF but he still likes her and is nice to her! Really, your daughter is drawing pictures of your BF and telling him she loves him. Sounds like a sweet kid.

Not to dog your BF, but he sounds mean in a passive aggressive type of way. How does he treat you? What about his family and friends?

kinda same situation here. my SO has no kids and has never been married. i not only have kids but one is 17 and the other is 11 and they are both girls. The bonding process will take time but considering that you live together he should at least not be so harsh. you daughter will grow up knowing and feeling the irritation and aggrivation that comes off of your SO.

IT WILL AFFECT HER.

Do not be afraid to let him know exactly what you want and need, his responses will let you know where you stand.

NO ONE comes before my children, especially when they were minors. The problems you will have to deal with from her low self esteem caused by this jerk when she's 17 or 18 will be enormous. I hope getting and having a man are more important to you than your daughter's mental health. Men come and go, children are forever. God help your poor little girl.

I agree with the other comments that it takes time to bond. You can't expect him to love her right away but what you can expect is that he treat her with kindness and not put downs. I am willing to bet that he is mad at you really. Do you make quality time for you and him? Enough date nights and sex? Do you let your daughter "run the household" and put her needs first ALWAYS. Think about it carefully. He is coming into your situation and learning how to adjust to a lack of privacy and personal space. Your child may be sweet as pie but perhaps some things about how you treat her or your parenting style is getting to him. He is not a talker but sit him down and just say you want to ask him some questions. Be gentle and non threatening. Tell him you really respect how he feels. I don't think I ever got that from my spouse yet. If you validate his feelings, he will feel more comfortable sharing with you. Going forward you can discuss with him the parameters of his parenting ( if any) of your daughter. That will give him an idea of where he stands and I don't think he knows his role yet. I bet he feels "taken over" by your kid and feels threatened that she will take over "his" home.

Is he aware that you are this troubled about it? Is he aware that it is (and rightly so) an issue that will cause you to walk away?

Being around a child for small bits of time (like all the other "so cool" kids) is NOTHING like living with a child FT.

It doesn't sound like he's adjusting well and it doesn't sound like he thinks he is doing anything that is worth changing. Is that how HE was treated when HE was a child? That is just unacceptable to tear a poor little girl down like that. Girls already have enough self-esteem problems with their hormones and the way society puts such emphasis on body image.

OP, even though you say you fully support yourself and your child, I wonder if your BF THINKS he is supporting your child.

I remember one poster came on here complaining how his wife made more money than him and yet she wanted them to contribute equally to their child's college fund. Don't you know the wife came on and said yeah, she made more money than him, a whopping $1,000 more a year! That's less than $38 a paycheck! Sometimes people's perception of things are skewed.

It might even be good for him to come on here and tell his side of the story.

Being on the opposite end of things (no kids, married to a man with a kid) I have to ask you this......

You see your child as sweet and nice? But is she really? Or is she only sweet and nice in your presence?

DH's kid was 12 when he became CP, we were newly married. Oh......his kid was great until she moved in with us and them wham.....I was on the receiving end of a lot of shit. When we were alone. When DH was around, she was sweet as apple pie and the bestest, nicestest, kid in the whole entire galaxy.

I complained to DH about her behavior towards me and HE DID NOTHING. The behavior continued for 18 months before I started talking divorce. All I did was complain about his kid because he saw her as simply being a 12/13 year old.....but I got the shaft. By his inaction and refusal to acknowledge her behavior, he gave her a huge, fricking green light to treat me like shit.

After I told him I planned to divorce him, she suddenly became complacent and started treated me badly in front of him. Opened his eyes really wide.

I don't agree with your DF saying nasty, abusive things to your kid. That is absolutely not okay and something I did not do to DH's kid. However, I COMPLAINED about her behavior towards me all the time.

So I ask you a simply question.....are you blowing off his complaints and expecting him to suck it up because he's the adult? Or are you listening to him and paying attention to your daughters behavior towards him?

It takes two to tango and your DF may not be the only problem here.

I'm pretty sure one of you is going to be moving again. The biggest red flag is that he doesn't want to have sex as much as you do. That is a deal-breaker, IMHO, especially if you get to the point of begging for a little affection from him. Soon you won't be laughing about it.

Is he chronically angry? Does he get irritated at little things that really shouldn't matter? That indicates control issues. He won't talk about the issues? Another red flag. How can anything be resolved if he shuts down without considering how you and your child are feeling?

I recommend serious boundaries with him concerning your daughter. She is a child entitled to protection from a bully who criticizes and demeans her. Why is it okay for him to speak to her/about her in a mean disrespectful way? How dare he!! If he has any love or respect for YOU, he would be trying to, at the very least, ignore her, if her presence is so miserable for him. But the in-your-face complaining about her, not her behavior, but her very being, is hurtful and vicious. This is different from being annoyed by a spoiled, out of control brat. You do see that, don't you? You may be trying to avoid confrontation, but this is the time when you are showing him how to treat the two of you, and your daughter is not faring well. Stand up for her FIRST. You can always find another guy better than this one.

Can you give some examples of the kind of mean things that he says to her? Or to you when you speak about her?
I'm curious.

MOVE RIGHT BACK OUT, and if you want to help your fiancée through this, do it from a distance. Your daughter deserves better than to feel unwanted and unwelcome in her own home. His constant criticism and rejection must be damaging for her. It will without a doubt stop her from developing into a happy, healthy, well adjusted young woman. If she constantly has to work at seekng this mans approval. She will grow into a woman who constantly feels she has to seek make approval, and you know what she will do to get that. Whatever it takes. Is this the future you envisaged for your baby girl. I think not.

I understand how it could be a huge and difficult adjustment for your fiancée. Adults can see it from his perspective. She cannot and she is being made a victim here. While I can understand it is a difficult adjustment for him to go from life alone to life with the two of you. I cannot understand how he feels constantly criticising a young girl is the way to handle this. More importantly. I cannot understand you living there and allowing him to do this to your child, while you work out a way to help him. As I said, move out for your daughters sake, and then see if there is some way of working this out. Please don't subject your daughter to this emotional abuse because, you love him.

From her perspective, she will feel HIS rejection, even now and that will only get worse. But she even worse still is going to feel rejected by you. She will grow to hate this man for how he treats her, and you for allowing it.

Push her to hard and expect her to live with it while he works I out, if he works it out, and you may just lose your daughter. She may feel daddy loves her more and want to move in with daddy.

My reasons for joining this site were years of being made to feel rejected, isolated, ignored and unwelcome in my home by my husbands daughter. It caused me serious stress and made me physically ill. It that to me and i am 61. My husband didn't want to lose his daughter, as you don't want to lose your fiancée, so he thought sooner or later it would work itself out and he did nothing to stop it. End result, after 8'years of it, I banned her from my home, told him to go with her as she would never be in my life again, not even through him. It was only when the marriage as far as I was concerned was over that he decided I was right, his daughter was what she was (as your fiancée is what he is) and would never change. He has nothing to do with her now. He is antidepressants and in counselling now. But you know what. As evil as his daughter is, I harbour no resentment, grudge or anger towards her anymore, she's out of my life, I hope she happily gets on with her own life and family. But him, my husband. It is far harder to forgive him. He was my husband, he was my soul mate. I loved him above all others as he should have loved me. But he let me down. He allowed someone to hurt me,to emotionally abuse me, because it was his daughter, he loved her. I BLAME HIM for this, not her. She was nothing to me, she had no relationship with me, she owed me nothing. He was my husband. He needed to call his dog off and he didn't, I was more hurt by his failure to protect me, by him wanting his relationship with her so much he was prepared to allow her to treat me so badly. We may in time work this out. Come to a place where we move forwarded. But, you know what. I will NEVER fully trust him again. I know now what he is capable of doing to me. We may forgive people, but none of us ever forget. Is this how you want your relationship with your daughter to turn out.

Move out, sort it out from a distance if you can,and you may end up with your daughter and your fiancée. Stay there long enough and you may very well lose both. Up to you n

Yes, I'd like to I know some examples of what he says to her. How does your daughter get on with kids her own age? Does she have friends? Does she hang out with them after school and on weekends? How much does she depend on you and your fiancé for her social interaction.

All her hugging and affection from an 11 yo might be a little much for a 40 yo man who's never been married and has never had kids. Have you ever lived with a man other than your ex? How did that go? Have you ever lived with a man with kids and did you have to adjust to them? How did that go? Would you be willing to live with another man's kids?

Its possible he's having a tough time accommodating your daughter's personality, which is according to you very affectionate and loving. I doubt he's really mad at your daughter, but he seems to be taking out his frustration on her.

I actually find such affection from an 11 yo SD towards her stepparent a little unusual. Not necessarily bad, but I would expect more attitude and preteen angst. That's why I asked how she gets along with her peers. This in no way means I think your daughter is doing anything wrong. Nor do I think you're necessarily doing anything wrong.

If you are willing to share some of the things he says to her, I think I could get a better picture of what's going on.

And it may be that it's unrealistic to expect him to return your daughter's affection without time to let a relationship develop. And if that's a deal breaker, then you should certain go your separate ways.

Yes, yes and yes to keekeedee. And she's only 48. I'm 61. Grew up in a generation were fathers for the most part were distant. Mothers raised the kids. The effects last a lifetime.

Yep, but I'm sure she knows that. This is as good as it gets and this is his very best behaviour. Not good.

Already sexually withdrawing? 40 and never been married or have kids. Unusual but ok if he's nice. He's not. He is jealous of her. If you are certain she's not playing you then leave. He may be pushing to have her move to her BD. three months and already he's showing true colours. Talk to him if no change then you know. 11 year old girls are sensitive. All sorts of long term probs develop from self esteem issues. What doe he say to her when your nor there.??