Not liking SD......and husband because of it
My SD is 5. Her dad and I got married when she was almost 4. She didn't know how to buckle herself in, she had never gotten herself water, never cleared her own dish, never gotten herself dressed (!!!!)...the list goes on. I have my own kids and we have a one year old together. It is clear she doesn't like me. She has even told her dad I am mean (no doubt because she has been forced to do things herself). I do not like her either. I have stopped getting her to do things and told my husband it is now his job. The problem is he's not having her do all the stuff. So I look even more mean. My kids aren't spoiled and my one year old won't be. So what? He's going to have his child get waited on hand and foot and all the others will just get to watch? My kids have already noticed and complained.
Because of all that, I am starting to dislike my husband. I really want desperately to like her but just cannot. I can't talk to any of my friends about this because they don't have step children so I will sound like the meanest person alive, not liking a poor five year old.
It is great to have this site to vent. But has the venting helped? Does anyone have a resolution?? Does my husband feel about my kids the way I feel about his daughter? He seems to have a very tough time with my oldest. Are blended families doom to fail?
I have always been a staunch believer of only marrying someone with kids (once you have your own), now I am going to go back on that thought and say go with someone who has none and hope he likes yours. There is NO WAY I would ever do this again.
I can't blame you for how
I can't blame you for how you're feeling. Seeing your kids being treated unfairly is no fun. And you're right - yeah, it's good to vent, but it doesn't solve any problems. Did you know 70% of second marriages fail? I don't doubt a lot of it is because of parenting issues with the step kids.
I don't know how long you dated your DH before you got married, but I learned the best thing is not to wait a long time to meet the kids when you are dating someone. The sooner you met the kids, the better. You haven't fallen in love yet so you may be able to look at the situation more rationally. The mistake I made was waiting a year before meeting my BF's son. By that time I was already so in love with the dad, even though I saw there were problems with his son, I continued in the relationship for another year. I eventually broke up with him because he couldn't parent his son.
And I will live with someone before getting married. My failed marriage is the reason why I won't marry until I've lived with that person for several years first.
Sorry, I don't have a lot of advice for you either.
My SD is 5 also and we have
My SD is 5 also and we have the same issues, but I don't have kids and we don't have any kids together yet. I do worry that our child will be treated differently than SD because I have no intentions of raising a spoiled brat. We have SD every other week & from the moment she walks in the door until the day she's gone (the longest weeks EVER), it is all about her, the little princess. She's only 5 but she has absolutely no concept of how the real world works because she is so entitled and catered to (she also does not dress herself, doesn't tie her shoes, doesn't brush her teeth, doesn't wash her hands after using the bathroom- basically she does nothing on her own- she has to be told EVERYTHING 36467383 times). DH's mother doesn't help matters either. Everyone spoils this kid because they feel sorry for her. No one will feel sorry for my kid so I feel they won't treat him/her as well as SD.
Anyway, I have been on this site for a few years now and venting definitely helps but like Amber said, it doesn't solve any problems. DH and I are doing good at the moment, but if down the road we don't work out, I would NEVER date a man with kids again!
Thanks for the reply. What
Thanks for the reply. What do you do for discipline? My SD also has to be told everything millions of times. Even 90 seconds later. How do you handle it when you are the only one watching her? I have tried the disengage thing but sometimes I am the only one that sees her doing something or her dad isn't home, etc.
We also do every other week. What finally prompted my googling about this topic is that we were recently on vacation with her. My first time spending everyday all day with her. It was tough. It feels like just yesterday and it is already our turn to have her again. I get so anxious and grumpy when her visit is coming up. I realized today that I was mean to everyone - even my own kids!
My SD is also treated like
My SD is also treated like that. She's 4. From day one though, they never put her down on the ground so she could walk. They didn't let her hold her own drink or *try* to hold a fork... now she knows she just has to pose in a weird "hiphop" type of dance way and thinks she can get whatever she wants. If she doesn't get it, she will scream and yell and go crazy. I think venting is helping me a lot and finding other people who also feel the same it's great. It empowers me to be able to say NO more often
^^^^ OMG my SD does that move
^^^^ OMG my SD does that move too. Stands with her hands on her hips and like pops her butt out LOL I just shake my head every time I see it!
Does she also say "shake your
Does she also say "shake your booty, shake your booty"? Just yesterday she did that and then turned around and pulled down her pants and panties to show her butt... wth where does she get that from?
Haha! She does say similar
Haha! She does say similar things. She dances around like a damn stripper & she's only 5 years old. I'm assuming she gets it from her mother because she definitely doesn't get it from me! Horrible smh
Finding others does make me
Finding others does make me feel better. I thought I was the devil for not liking her. I still feel terribly. But I guess I am not the only devil out there!
Omg. My guy puts pills in
Omg. My guy puts pills in peanut butter and feeds it to SD. She's too old and not a dog! Drives me nuts.
Daddykins. LOL I try to
Daddykins. LOL I try to impress the consequences with Dh of how SS will be if he keeps catering to him and being afraid of disappointing him by teaching how to function independently. He will agree and say he needs to "Man him up" and all I can think is "you need man yourself up first!" But yeah, he'll say that and then next 5 minutes, he's getting 'appa duice' for SS9 or trying to tie his shoe or carry his food for him. (Bagged food mind you). Ridiculous.
My friend was wiping her
My friend was wiping her kid's ass when he was TEN years old. She babied her boys and they were in an intact family so this isn't exclusive to step families either.
Granted, he was a little developmentally delayed, but not to the point where he couldn't wipe his own ass.
What stopped her though was when the in-laws were visiting and the son yells from the bathroom "Mom, I'm ready for you to wipe me." When my friend had to explain to her in-law's yes, she was wiping her ten year's butt she got so embarrassed she realized she had to stop it.
OP, I just had a thought - maybe you can figure out a way for something like this to happen to your DH. Sometimes we don't see how much we're babying our children until we're around someone else and see how they parent their children, or someone in public points out how we're babying our children. I know you don't spoil your kids, but your DH probably doesn't see that. If someone outside the home were to say something, though, he'd probably listen to them, though.
I know I've been guilty of babying my children before. When my daughter was a toddler I was still letting her suck on a pacifier, every day as soon as I picked her up from daycare she'd say "pacy, mommy" and I'd give it to her. One day when I dropped her off at daycare the daycare lady said, "Okay, Karen, give me the pacifier." My daughter immediately took the pacifier out and handed it to her, no fuss. When I saw that I knew my daughter was playing me.
Next time she said "mommy, pacy" I said exactly what I had heard the daycare lady say "oh no, we're not doing the pacy anymore." My daughter asked a couple more times but I was firm and that was the end of it, she never asked for it again.
Secretly bask?!?! I will
Secretly bask?!?! I will never be able to shout - "I WAS RIGHT!!!"??? I feel like doing it so much everyday - now. He knows I am right but can't stick to the time and effort it takes to help her form independence. It makes it worse that she gets treated the same way at her BM's. When he does get annoyed, he shouts at her for a minute then is done and tells her how special she is. No loss of privileges or anything. No wonder she doesn't learn. Or take him seriously.
Girl you are singing our
Girl you are singing our song.
I understand how you are feeling towards DH. After 2 years or so of watching the way DH treats SS (who's now 9 and still acts 5, except he has mouth of a 19yr old), I was just turned off by him. He's a great Father but way too lenient, inconsistent with guidance/discipline and easily manipulated by a kid. But the worst of it is the way he allows Wildebeest BM to treat him. She takes total advantage and uses him and he does nothing about it b/c he doesn't want his Parenting privileges cut. (This kid is not even his; she had the boy out of an affair when he was married to her).
At first, everything was okay because I didn't really know BM well and SS was just 4 and I can be forgiving of 4 yr olds; they are really quite young. But as I got to know BM and SS was around 6-7 (and still acting 4), I started seeing the truth of them both. SS is a mini-BM. And DH is a wimp when it comes to both honestly. I have seen spurts of improvement and he's better than he was but it's a tiny bit of improvement compared to the massive headache it is just to see that little progress.
I have tried the supportive & understanding route. I've tried the "try to be of help" route. The "Get professional help" route. The Say Nothing route. The "hope" it gets better as he gets older route (it's worse as he becomes more and more like BM). Oh and the "Now that she's pregnant and remarried she'll be better" route. Nada. Nothing. Only the "Hit the Roof so hard that sheetrock cracks" route seems to get any true results and that's just not my style.
As a result, I have less sexual attraction to DH (not very manly to let someone/anyone constantly manipulate and run you over and I like manly men) so its affected our sex life. I stopped making plans because they were voided so many times b/c BM dumping or needing something regarding SS always took precedence so quality of our relationship suffered. Recently DH turned down a six figure promotion with his company b/c it'd be a "7 hr drive" away for SS and that was too far. The fact that he'd literally stick us within a certain distance for the next 10 years to be close to this kid and turn down his own dreams and chance to accelerate our plans just really disappointed me. He did this flat out without even discussing it with me. So the way these Dh's deal with the Skids and the BM's can have a real effect on the relationship because it can change how you view and ultimately how you feel about your DH and the choice to be with them. It's tough. :/
So sad. I want to discuss it
So sad. I want to discuss it but try to imagine how I would feel if he told me there is something fundamentally wrong with the way I have raised my kids. I would show him the door. So, I cannot imagine a way to tell him, other than constantly nitpicking him. I do try to curtail that because I don't want the whole marriage to be about me nagging him. I need to mind my own business but also don't want a failed marriage because I have lost respect for him. That is where it is headed tho.