how much do you share with skids about legal process/court system?
Ever since the battle for custody started up again, the skids have been old enough to comprehend things they are told, but DH and I still NEVER EVER mention court, divorce, CO, CS, etc to the kids. We kinda feel they shouldn't have to have knowledge of the situation since they are only 6 and 8.
BM on the other hand takes a different approach. Initially I wasn't sure of the reason why there is pretty much nothing BM hasn't or won't tell the skids. However, now, I see that she tells the kids about court and CO when it either benefits her or makes DH look like the bad guy.
About 6 months, ss6 was getting into trouble at school and he told the teacher "you can't do anything to me because BM has a paper that says nobody can do anything to me, not you, not DH, not BM". What really happened is that BM did not approve of DH discipline methods and told judge, skids were terrified of DH, judge ordered no physical discipline, but still made DH CP, BM just prefers to let the kids self-discipline and got the kids to believe no one else can do anything else to them either.
About a month ago, ss6 came to me and said he "doesn't understand why DH told the court to make BM move out of her apartment". Mind you, BM was living in an extended stay motel known for illegal activities and the court granted a TRO.
Yesterday, despite BM telling DH that he is supposed to have skids for the rest of the summer after her 31 days, which is not what CO says but we decided to take it, ss8 tells us BM "told them, the court says skids have to go with DH for the rest of the summer".
And today, ss8 complained "it's been a whole month of vacation and he hasn't gone on vacation." After explaining that vacation doesn't mean you have to go somewhere, he told me "well, BM told us that we couldn't go on vacation because the court says that BM and DH can't take us out of the city, BM said the court told her that she can't leave the city until after the final court date in September". WTF?!
So I wonder what skids are going to say when we leave the city next weekend for a 1 and 1/2 week vacation.
The things BM says and does don't necessarily bother me, what gets to me is when BM uses DH or the court as the scapegoat rather than just putting her foot down. Instead of saying "because I said so", "because I'm the parent and you're the kid", or "stop questioning what I do", etc, BM says "because the court said so".
CO says no disparaging remarks about other parent or household, but it should probably mention no lies about the court either. Or better yet, don't discuss the court or the process with the kids. We're documenting all of this because it seems to me BM is trying to turn skids against DH by saying DH made the courts do this or that
We never ever told any of our
We never ever told any of our skids/kids about the details when they were young. They're all adults now and looking back, around age 15 or so I wish we'd filled skids in on all the money bm was getting, all the bills we were paying for her, on top of the alimony and child support, all the cash she was stashing in the bank and retirement funds, we never told them about the bankruptcy forgeries (the older two knew because they put the money in their bank accounts and then wrote her checks off it for years...) anyway, every day they were saying they needed this and that, and bm had no money bc dh didn't give any...
Get this, Last week, not kidding, ss21, hasn't spoken to us in months and months, asks for money to buy a car because it's DH's 'LEGAL OBLIGATION"
We don't know what crack pipe bm has been chewing on to have told any skid there was any kind of requirement in the decree for such nonsense but apparently she did and skid 21 thinks he's entitled.
It's so rediculous we won't respond, at least not right away.
we're also sitting on the paragraph that outlines very clearly that dh will pay skids tuition, health insurance, auto insurance, food, fees books, through college SO LONG AS SAID "CHILD" does not disrespect, reject, refuse to acknowledge or publicly cast off their father. which has been happening for months.
We've told SS13 a few things
We've told SS13 a few things here and there about the court order and the judge/court. This was mostly to combat BM's lies that she would tell SS13.
DH is the custodial parent and BM was just granted visitation last year. The week of her first scheduled overnight, she told SS - then 12 - that she couldn't do the overnight visit because she had to see the judge on Saturday and it was DH's birthday. He was balling when he got off the phone with her and we didn't know what to do. She didn't want to have him over because she had been lieing about her address and couldn't take him to her fake address for the visit, so she told him these lies.
We told him that that wasn't true, showed him the court order and had him write a letter to the mediator to file at a later date. WE basically bullied her into it and said if she didn't take him, she would never get him. So she took him for the visit but asked him to lie about where he stayed.
Anyway...that's just one example. I have tons more.
wow. I can see how showing
wow. I can see how showing specific parts to refute a lie can be beneficial, especially in a situation like yours. But, in our case, we have never mentioned anything about the situation or the process and we don't know if BM has shown them the paperwork or just talked about it so I'm hesitant to just spring the CO on them even to shoot holes through BM stories. Plus, at 6 & 8, I don't expect them to understand what the CO means, and I wouldn't want to stoop to BM level just to try to prove something to them. I'd rather them be able to look back one day and see how DH and I always took the high road.
My boyfriend included his
My boyfriend included his kids in almost everything related to BM.
the kids are 12, 10, and 8.
He lets them read emails, texts, and listen to voicemails from BM.
THIS ONLY STARTED WHEN BM began to tells the kids lies about what was happening and they came to their dad with questions about why he was not wanting them and leaving them at BMs...(long story)
But from then on,... The kids get to see everything talking about them.
wow. the lengths some BM will
wow. the lengths some BM will go to. I guess it depends on the situation the extent to which the kids are informed about the court process and the communications between BM and BD, but in any case, whatever is shared should be the facts, rather than word of mouth passing along the BM or BD interpretation, or misinterpretation, of what the CO says.