I think it all depends on the amount of support the step-parent is getting from their spouse, the bio parent.

A lot of hatred towards skids is misplaced anger from the bios not raising the skids to be a certain way. Whether that is actually the case or just perceived as such.

A lot of disengaging is caused directly from the spouse getting on the step-parents case about how they are "treating" the little snowflake.

1. Do you think there is a black and white, right or wrong way to blend a family and treat skids? And if so, what is it and why do you feel that way?

**There is no black and white way in any family...you look at parents who are still married and no family is exactly alike which makes it impossible for a step-family. I feel like it depends on the situation.

I am a step-kid myself, my dad has been remarried twice since my mom, my first stepmom was a clueless self-centered bitch, as for my dads current wife her and I have a relationship almost as friends yet we barely mention my dad as there is issues between us but I still have a relationship with her. As for my step-dad I have only had one he took me in completely as a child of his own and this worked for us, I call him more than I call my mom about somethings - it really just depends on the situation presented.

Beyond being a step-kid, this is my second time being a step-parent. With my ex it was completely different BM didn't care as long as I wasn't spanking her child she didn't seem to give a crap what went on at our house, drop offs were no issue even with me in the house...now is a completely different story my BM I deal with now goes through phases of hating me and getting along, of wanting to get her way and then letting SS5 decide who's house he wants to stay at.

Every situation is different and in my life I have personally dealt with 3 completely different as a skid and two as a parent - you have to analyze the situation, talk to your spouse and come up with the best action because there is not a set in stone "How to" or "Rule book"**

2. If you've been a SP for a while, has the way you view being a SP changed from when you initially took on that responsibility? What changed it?

**I think as a step-parent we have to change some from the beginning...either things will fall into place or they will get worse and you have to disengage.

I feel like I have pretty much stayed the same but I have learned to disengage in certain situations with BM which before I would have taken more personally. I have changed in the amount of affection I show SS5 as he has gone through phases of wanting to love on me then be cold, another situation I have learned to cope with.

I feel like really the main way people change is how we handle emotions dealing with the situation. I feel like this is what has changed my view and I am okay with it because even with previously being a step-parent as I said it is a different situation and in order for my relationship to work I needed a view change**

3. Do you think that the relationship between step-parent and skid depends entirely on the family dynamics and that there isn't only one way to do it?

**As stated above everything depends on the family and the situation. With my ex my SD and I did mother daughter stuff because that was allowed. Now I don't do anything without my DH unless it's like sitting on the floor playing cars.

Being a step-parent has no one definition and going from being one with one family to another truly shows that. You must analyze and discuss with your spouse what is best for your household**

I feel some of this is actually tied to the gender roles that the couple has.

If one partner has predefined concepts of what "women's" work is - laundry, cooking, childcare, etc and the other doesn't that is going to cause extra problems in a step situation.

I had a career which entailed international travel almost monthly (sometimes twice a month). I could literally be in Singapore one week, home a few days, London the next day, home a few days and then to Australia for two weeks.

If I'd had a husband who wanted a SAHM to provide childcare and run the household that would not have worked - steps or not. But it would have been worse with steps. Because I probably would have been willing to give up some of my great career for my own kids but not for steps.

Raising children is a hard job. It takes a lot of work and is not always fun. It's just human nature not to want to make huge sacrifices for any but your nearest and dearest. There's often very little if any reward for sacrificing yourself for someone else's children.

The man who may be reluctant to even share his finances with his wife may resent it terribly if he is expected to provide for another man's children. If there is an expectation that the male will assume the provider role while the woman takes over tending the home problems can arise even in intact families if there is not agreement between the two partners. Those problems escalate exponentially in a blended family.

While SS15 is in our house, he follows our rules. At his moms, he yells(he does not know an inside voice there. It's just the way that they speak)- we don't yell when we talk. "Frickin" and other substitutions for curse words are not tolerated. DH and I back up each other on rules- it's interesting that we have just come up with these rules this summer when SS began staying with us. I do not get into disciplining SS because DH does it. I just reiterate what DH says and does most of the time.

My responsibility to my SS is to parent him as I would any child in my home regardless of genetic contribution to that child.

I raised SS-21 as my own. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. He had 7Wks per year of visitation with the SPermIdiot/SpermClan. IMHO partners in marriage are equity partners in all aspects of life including the parenting of any children that reside or visit the marrital home.

I suppose I fall in the raise them like they are my own camp even though I have no BioSpawn.

I believe that a parent is a mentor, example, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. That is what I have been to my Skid. That is what any parent should be to their children whether those children are Bios, Steps, Adopted, Foster.......

IMHO of course.

Its my home. I feel that I have to parent because I have to help my full time stepson follow the expectations in my home. It's not just his dad's home. I am lucky that most of the time his father and I are on the same page so this makes it easier. I cannot sit by and watch this child run on own home. I help my husband to provide and enforce the expectations that we have set in our home and we try not to worry about BM's house. Also, I like the idea of helping my stepson to have a good chance of being a functional adult. I am often confused about the love aspect because I do not love him or his half sister and half brother who visit us. I do not love them or have the slightest motivation to nurture them. I don't think I will ever love them. I'm often afraid to say this out loud as I hear people will judge me.

There is no right or wrong, black or white. It's decided between the step and the bio parents.

Only recently has the BM been asking for tips and pointers because my SD is so completely horrible at her house. That's what happens when parents let their kids have a free for all. She is 5 so we aren't too strict with her. Simple rules like, please and thank you, no whining, no tantrums, pick up your toys, put on your own clothes, etc. Very simple tasks. She has to help around the house when we are cleaning, if she doesn't she can sit in her room- not playing. We don't ask much when she does clean- it's usually silly things like put the books away, pick up your garbage, put your clothes in your drawer after laundry is folded. FDH is primary disciplinarian, but I contribute a lot to what the rules are. It is my house too, my life too, and I'm the one who tends to run the daily activities. While FDH is home during the day- he takes care of calm down time (they are only 5 minutes long) and if she's having a tantrum she has to go in her room until the screaming stops (doesn't happen too often). We also have a chart with stars. She has 6 tasks she has to accomplish that week- such as put on her clothes, pick up her mess, no whining, no tantrums, brush and floss teeth and no interrupting while grown ups are on the phone. She strives to reach her weekly star goal which means she gets something special- she likes the dollar store and usually asks to go there and pick out something fun. When FDH is at work in the evening I take over calm down times, but rarely have an issue since we have a pretty good schedule- we have timers to let her know how much longer she has on a certain task.

For example: She can use the computer for a half hour, watch tv for an hour, work on workbook or homework for an hour, play time for an hour, lunch and dinner are in there too only because if we don't set the timer she won't eat.

I realize it sounds like a bit much but she is very well behaved and the timing of everything seems like how school is which during the school year makes for a very quick and easy transition between households with minimal problems.

During the summer it's a bit different, we keep the schedule but leave a lot of outdoor time to play with friends or go swimming. It's a bit more flexible since there is no snow (she doesn't like snow lol poor child, we live in snow 6 months of the year). We also go to the zoo, park, museum. We plan outings and visit grandparents, great grandparents and step grandparents.

Our household theory is to plan for when we have another child. We don't want it to be drastically different from what me and FDH envision for ourselves and how we are going to raise our own children. Do we sometimes relax the schedule??? heck yeah!! especially if we are having an off day- but she honestly prefers it and enjoys the time moving from one activity to the next.

When I first started living with my fiance, we had some bumps with SD. It was a bit chaotic because mom's house was so drastically different. We did mostly trial and error to see what worked the smoothest. It wasn't until this past year, when she started school, that things became a lot easier. She's a lot happier too at our house since mom sticks her in morning day care, then she goes to school and then went to headstart until 6 pm. She was at school from 7am until 6pm. Keep in mind, mom didn't work... so we don't exactly understand that. She was starved for attention. So when she'd get to our house and we'd work on homework together, clean together, play together- she was a lot happier. But downside to that is she's very needy in the attention category. We are still working the kinks out of her attention issues. If she wants to color- we will color for 15 minutes, and then disengage- letting her do her own thing.

Will this work for all kids??? no. This was a plan we specifically came up for SD because she was such an independent child, but more attention seeking.

To answer the question of the relationship- yes, it very much depends on the overall family dynamic. We have a lot of problems with BM telling SD things about me the step parent or her father. SD not really understanding why mom is saying these things, comes to us very confused, either confronting us with what was said "mommy said I can't love you" or asking why mommy said "smom is a bword and isn't your teacher so you shouldn't do homework with her." Poor kid is so confused. The biggest thing is to be flexible. If the step parent is meeting resistance- back off, let bio's deal with it. If she ignores me, I ignore her until she's ready to talk.

The biggest thing I have heard over and over and over again from well meaning friends and family- Tell them you love them on a constant basis. If they allow you physical contact- cuddle! hug! show them they are loved! I know for some steps that's hard because they don't exactly LOVE their steps. But for the young ones- this is a huge step to creating a better bond.

I am a step who feels my household is out of control even with all of the control- Mostly because BM makes it more difficult. We make two steps forward when SD is here, when she comes back the next week... it's like 1 step back. It's slow progress, but it's progress and we constantly acknowledge that. I'm lucky enough to have a FDH who cares about both me and SD, who tries very hard to mend any and all tears.

I don't have to love my SD but I do, I don't have to parents my SD but I do when needed. I know when to step away and when to give some tough love or some really happy love.

Some may not agree with the way we do things, others may think we are crazy, and even some others may think it will never work for them. It entirely depends on your spouse. My FDH is the glue that holds this family together- the sanity when all else is lost. How else do you get a home full of women to cooperate!?!!!

It's not black and white, just as parenting is not black and white, but there should be a playbook and in a perfect world a couple should get on the same page before they get married. Like one of the other posters here, I thought we were on the same page and then something happened and I was yelled at in front of my SD. That set the tone for everything else that followed. We have gone through a rough patch, strangely or not so strangely after we got married recently and it surrounds my SD who is 10 but acts like 4. All I can say is that she is not disrespectful to me but has very bad habits and is lazy. My spouse was not good at enforcing rules so my SD is behind schedule when it comes to what most other 10 years old are doing for chores. Basically she has no chores at present but must clean up after herself which she does not so regularly.
Recently I was able to get my spouse on the same page (sort of ) with some things but it has been a slow process with lots of arguments and resentment on both sides. I did find myself trying to take out my resentment for my spouse on the SD until I realized what I was doing.
I am also a step child myself and had a wonderful step dad who was loving and kind. My mom was always the boss in the house and did all the disciplining. He would back her up but never "over-step". He was a lot more tolerant that I am but I try to use him as my example.
Do I love my SD? I can say "yes" to that but I feel it is conditional. My spouse wants me to adore her and worship her and treat her like a baby. I refused. I treat her like a 10 year old with age appropriate expectations. She is smart and manipulative and must always be the center of attention. I once told her " I got your number". I have to hold my tongue a lot or arguments ensue. Like I said though, my spouse has seen some of her lazy ways and has called her on it so it is getting better.
We are moving to a new area. My SD has been basically socially inferior. She is not one of the cool kids to say the least. Most likely it is because she acts like a baby. Her feelings are so sensitive and she thinks that people are always saying mean things or doing mean things to her. She lies. She is a faker and a hypochondriac and my spouse always believes her. We will see what a new school brings for her. Will it be a chance to start again with a new set of kids or will she again be the school weirdo?
I feel for you my friend as I do all the nice folks on this forum. It has been a blessing finding a place to vent and rant. Good luck!

What is my responsibility in being a step-parent? NOTHING. After all I've been through with SS and his behavior, I do not nor will not be a step-parent to one so incredibly disturbed.
All of this falls on the father AND the mother (however, Mother dear thinks that her son is something she can deal with on her own time; which is practically never). I don't call her BM because the only thought I think every time I read "BM" for biological mother is when immodium or "bowel movement" which is probably what most of them are anyway. I call them "diarreha daughters" as they make me sick-but I'm trying to make something funny that isn't.
Because of my SS being in prison, I don't want anything to do with him. If he was my son and did this mess, I'd disown him because I would not have raised him to be that callous, that sick or that demented. If there were a problem, I'd spend EVERY SINGLE DIME I had to make sure he got all the help he needed. Unfortunately, neither his grandmother or DH did that which is why he's in the predicament he's in now.
So where do I stand?
No where as far as I'm concerned and I'm better off from it.

The eldest two's BM left when the youngest one was about 5 months old. She didn't see the kids for what I can understand quite a few months. No contact or anything. From the things that I have heard she was more interested in partying and going out with friends. My partner and I actually started getting to know each other properly when they were 2 & 3yrs old. He was living at with his parents with the kids as at the time he had them full time then and she had them when she felt like it. After a few months he moved into his brothers house and I gradually moved in there with him to. Everyone else had always taken control of the kids without him asking and he had become used to it. Don't get me wrong he loves his kids to death but he had fallen out of practise of being a hands on parent. When we lived with his brother his sister in law did everything even when I tried to become accustomed to doing "mummy" things. She wouldn't really let me and I didn't want to push it as it was not my house.

About a month and a half ago my partner and I and the two kids moved into our own place. The BM within the last few months has actually started to be more involved with the kids lives. She now takes them 2 or 3 times a week and if we ask her to take them on different days she is fine and we do the same for her. Not long after she started having the kids regularly she told my partners mother that I am a kid brain and that I am deleting all of the messages that she sends to my partners phone. I let it go until I realised that after a few weeks she was still going around saying it. The next time we had the kids I told her that I wasn't pathetic and that I am not deleting my partners messages. She said pardon so I repeated it to her. She smiled and said that she never said that she only said that she thought that I might be. I smiled back and said no I have seen the text messages that you sent to my partners mother. You said that I am deleting his messages from you and that I am a kiddy brain. I asked her if she knows me and she said no. I told her exactly I don't go around judging her so she shouldn't be judging me. On the drive home she wanted me to come back and she now had friends there. I told her I would come back if she wanted but that it was between her and I and no one else. A few days later I also asked for all the clothes that we had been sending over back as I had asked for them to returned when we dropped them off. One day we had bought $60 worth of clothes dropped the kids off to her and never seen those clothes again. After all of this we now get all the clothes back from her place and any clothes that come to ours get sent back. Now all three of us get along and she has said that she is fine with me being around her children. I will even text her will she has the children asking how they are going if they are sick and what not.

When the children are in my care at our house now I do act like a mum to them. My partner and I are a team. We are only young 20 & 23 but he is learning again how to be a parent just me and him and I am learning from the start. I do anything a parent would do and my partner is fine with it because we work as a team. I deal with them when they are naughty, when they are being sooky, when they are sad and when they are happy and excited. They see me as a part of their life and they are fine with it. If I am going to the shops or anything they will even come with me without their dad. If they are at grannys and they have something exciting to tell dad they have to tell me to. I have told my partner several times I am all in or I am all out. I am not going to be one of those people who are with their partner but not the step kids just because it is easier for them. The ones who emotionally back off. That is unfair on everyone. I count my step kids as mine and I have even told his family that. His mother even bought me a mothers day present. I was not expecting it and I did not flash it around so everyone could see but it is nice to know that I am appreciated as being a step mother often is a role where no appreciation is given.

Being a step mother is tough but it is a rewarding role when you see their little faces smiling at you or walking up to you to give you a hug just because.

IMHO any adult is responsible for caring for and parenting any child in their home regardless of genetic relationship.

That said, I am my Skid's dad and I have been since his mom and I married a week before he turned 2yo. In fact I was probably his a bit before we married for all practical purposes.

A Sparent has the responsibility to be mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian to their Skid just as they would be to a BK.

Most importanting a Sparent has the responsibility to be an respectful equity partner to their spouse which is the most important example any adult can set for children.

absolutely....NOTHING! }:)