This is going to be a jumbled mess of emotion and frustration. I'll preface it by saying this is a culmination of about 2 months worth of crap that finally boiled over and a lot of my words are just raw emotion because I've had to censor myself so much in order to deal with the situation appropriately.

Ok, so my best friend (we'll call her Mary) of 7 years is the one that introduced me to my boyfriend (who we'll call Pete). She set us up and we hit it off and that's the end. Some background about those relationships, though.

Pete and Mary didn't speak for 3 years because Pete's ex-wife and Mary didn't get along. At all. So the ex-wife basically alienated Pete from his family and Mary and I were friends during that time, and a lot of our conversations were about how hurt she was by not having a relationship with her brother. However, once he left the ex and they started talking again, neither of them ever addressed the issues they had with one another because they both avoid anything resembling conflict (or conflict resolution) like the freaking plague.

Mary and I have had our own issues. She is a very peculiar person and very hard to get to know. She's been in a miserable marriage for 16 years (that has produced 4 children, one of whom is a constant source of dysfunction, smoking pot, burglary, going to jail, etc.), with a man that cheats on her constantly, is unkind to her and their children and just generally isn't a good person. She acknowledges all of this, but basically says she would rather stay unhappy and comfortable than be alone and have to figure out how to parent her kids without another adult. The only reason these things are important is because I think it shows a little bit of why she may be the way she is in general.

Anyway, she has a habit of not really wanting people to be happy, I'm guessing because she isn't happy and never has been. She's got a good heart, and has always been there to help/listen/lend a shoulder...UNLESS she doesn't like your choices. Then she stops talking to you. And she is extremely manipulative. I honestly can't even accurately describe how she does this because it is SO underhanded, but she manages to turn any situation she creates into something created entirely by someone else and makes compelling arguments for why she isn't to blame. That's IF you can get her to talk about it.

I am the polar opposite of both Pete and Mary when it comes to conflict. I don't love conflict, but I do love resolving it before it manifests as bitter resentment. I think, in close relationships of any kind, you have an obligation to the other person to address issues you have directly with them and attempt to resolve them. And if you aren't going to address it, you better get really good and pretending like nothing's wrong. Because doing the verbal equivalent of slamming doors and throwing things while claiming "I'm not mad, nothing's wrong, don't know what you're talking about" is passive-aggressive and manipulative and unkind. And I hate that shit. This causes a problem with Mary in particular. Because she won't address anything. She'll just act differently and be passively judgmental. Again, I can't really describe how she does it, but you know when she's doing it. She asks questions about your life and then response with "Oh, I see" in this super judgy tone that makes you hate her a little bit. Anyway, twice before, she has stopped talking to me because she didn't like a guy I was dating. And I know, I know...my bad for letting her back into my life after that. I always just give her the benefit of the doubt because I know how screwed up her life has been and I do the "well, she has good intentions, she's just not a good communicator" thing. Apparently, i'm wrong.

Since Pete and I decided to move in together 2 months ago, Mary has been so weird. We went from talking 3-4 times a day to maybe talking 3 times a week. And when we did talk, it was so awkward. And trust me, I'm on that; I'm immediately asking her what's wrong, And she uses this "I don't approve of anything you're doing" tone while saying out loud "no idea why you think anything's wrong, maybe YOU'RE the one being weird." Uh, no, I'm trying to talk to you and you won't talk. That's you, not me.

I sound angry right now because I am, but when this first started, I was really hurt. I love her, she's my best friend. If I didn't care about her, my feelings wouldn't be hurt. So I sort of let it alone for awhile and thought "well, maybe she just needs time to figure out how to say what she wants to say." But it just kept going on. And since she still complains to me about never seeing her brother (because he doesn't really put all that much effort into their relationship), I constantly invite her to stuff. And 75% of the time, she has a reason she can't/won't come. The rest of the time, she comes and then acts annoyed and in a hurry to leave the whole time. Rude.

I encouraged him to seek out alone time with her because I though maybe she wanted that. He won't do it, and she won't talk to him about how she feels, so nothing ever gets resolved. But, not my problem, I've tried. They're grown, they can work that out.

So two days ago, Pete and I are sitting on the couch just talking. He gets a text from Mary that says, and I'm quoting: "Any way we can have dinner tonight? Or do you have to bring HER along?" And he doesn't hide his phone when he gets texts, so of course I saw it. And I said "What's that about?" He doesn't know. So he tells her he's busy that night but what about one night during the week? And her response is "week days don't work for me, and she can't bear to be away from you for one second, so just never mind. I don't want her there at all anyway."

That almost sent me over the edge. He immediately crawls inside himself because he can see the drama coming and wants no part of it. So we had a long drive to run some errands and visit my grandmother and right before we leave, he tells me Mary texted him and asked him if I had seen that text? And he told her yes and her response is "I figured, she made it so obvious when I talked to her." Then proceeded to say "I don't care, she's only my friend when you're at work anyway." Um, A) that is patently untrue. You won't speak to me, so eventually, I stop calling you. And if you have this problem, why don't you talk to me so we can work it out?

Anyway, Pete and I talk about this in the car and I'm heated. So he's texting her, I guess to try to find out what's wrong between the two of us, to be helpful. And he lets me read the convo and she basically says that I'm exactly like his ex-wife, that I've changed everything about myself for him, that I don't want him to have relationships with anyone else, and that I've complained about his kids 24/7. So that just sent me all the way over the edge. I shouldn't have reacted, honestly, because that's his sister. But she is so full of shit. And I told him that. and then it turns into this argument about how I should just let it roll off my back and be fine with it because she just kicked her husband out, she's broke, she's having a hard time.

Ok, fine. But I've tried to help her through that and she doesn't want any help. I've tried to get her to tell me what her issue is with me and she refuses to do so. So yeah, I'm a little peeved that she has no problem spewing this crap to him but can't do the reasonable thing and address it with me. The person she's mad at. Anyway, I've pretty much decided i'm over her. I'm not going to be (nor should I have to be) in a friendship with someone who makes me feel bad. If she doesn't want to communicate and if this is how she operates, that's fine; but it doesn't work for me.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Why, I don't know. Probably because it's his sister and she's so quiet about her shit, and I'm an outward reactor. I'm also a good friend and a caring person and I've spent a lot of time chasing her down to get her to explain to me why I should apologize and I'm done doing that.

I can't possibly recount the whole 5 hours of arguing we did over this, but I want to point out a couple of things:

Her saying i'm just like the ex and I complain about his kids are deliberate wedges she's throwing out there to get in between he and I. She's a manipulator, and she knows those are his two big triggers. THAT is unacceptable behavior to me.

She's been posting passive-aggressive facebook statuses for two days (i.e. Be careful who you call friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.) Really? Come on.

She said I'm too sensitive and i'm just mad that I wasn't invited to dinner. Again, that's her being manipulative. I must be too sensitive, it can't possibly be that she's just being bitchy. Because she also said "I don't know why that would upset her, I'm going through a hard time and just need my brother. She's being ridiculous." Ok, well you didn't say "Hey, can we have dinner just the two of us? I really need you right now and would like to have some time alone with you." You said "...or do you have to bring HER along?" But I like how it gets twisted into something I've done wrong.

He swears she's not smart enough to be manipulative; uh, she is. I promise. And he thinks I should just pretend like everything's fine. I disagree. Here are my questions.

1. Does anyone see something other than manipulation? I'm willing to be wrong.
2. Why is it "wrong" for me to just not want to have someone in my life that makes me feel bad?
3. Ultimately, I get that she's his sister. So since this isn't just a person he doesn't know, is it my responsibility to just put up with her crap in order to keep the peace? I genuinely don't want to be the reason they have another falling out, but talking to her about it is out of the question. We've tried talking, it doesn't work because she doesn't talk.
4. If I just delete her off my FB and don't reach out to her (while also not saying anything unkind), is that appropriate? Or do I owe her some kind of explanation?
5. If I just end the friendship, it's going to be awkward for someone. But if I keep talking to her just to make him happy, it's going to be awkward for me, and it's also going to make me feel bad. So am I being selfish?