Just venting
The last couple of weeks with my boyfriend's kids have been really rough. In turn, BF and I spend a LOT of time talking about them, about ways to resolve behavioral issues, our differences in parenting styles...so not a lot of non-kid discussion has been had. And that's ok, they're his kids so we should be focusing on them.
But as I sit here thinking, dealing with one angry child at the moment and another sullen one, I had this realization that a lot of my frustration is stemming from one place: they aren't mine and no matter how much I love them, I won't ever love them as though they're mine because that just isn't possible.
So that makes me think a lot of the problem is me. And I know that some of it is, because I have nieces who I absolutely adore and who I absolutely love with all my heart. And I find myself having different expectations of them than I do of BF's kids. And I HATE feeling that way! I so badly WANT to love them unconditionally, to love them as much as I love my nieces, to be a little more relaxed with them, to not have to be a disciplinarian all the time. But I'm not even sure if it's possible. So what do I do? I'm really good and reflecting inward and trying to adjust my behavior and my attitude. But this is a hard one. Because when they do something naughty, I think "my mom would have smacked me in the mouth if I talked like that to her" or "my nieces would never say that to me." And that's not really fair to them. They're kids, they aren't little grown ups. And they are a product of how their parents have raised them, so I can't expect them to act the way I was expected to act when I was a child, or how my nieces act when I'm in charge of them. They act the way they've learned to act.
I don't know why I'm not able to quite get over the hurdle of just loving them like I love my nieces. I feel like it's because maybe they won't accept it and that hurts my feelings? I hate saying that, but when they love all over their dad and talk about how much they love him, especially after I just spent all day making them breakfast and lunch and snacks and setting up fun activities for them, and cleaning up after them and playing with them, it totally sucks. It hurts my feelings! I want them to love ME, and while I think they like me just fine, I'm always a little bit bothered that I'm only going to be tolerated and not ever preferred. I suppose that's just something that comes with not having any biological children, but still. I hate admitting that 2 little girls could hurt my feelings, but they totally do. And not even on purpose, so I'm not mad at them; I just wish I could be an equal and I won't ever be. But I guess I'm saying they won't ever be "equal" to my nieces in my eyes, either, so I guess it's fair? Ugh, I don't know. I'm just feeling jumbled right now.
Letting go has always been
Letting go has always been hard for me. I'm a control freak. I hate it, but I admit it:) When you say "let go" and "stop worrying about their behavior" I immediately panic and think if I do that, they'll run all over me. That said, you're probably entirely right. I don't know why I'm so focused on making them behave and not on having fun with them. When I'm with my nieces, we have fun and I'm rarely worried about picking up toys or cleaning up rooms.
There are some other issues at play, a lot of which is just me feeling left out because they're always in their own little world with their dad. And I don't want to sell him short; he helps a ton with the cleaning and stuff like that, and I work at home where the girls are so by default, I have to take care of feeding them and stuff. I don't mind it, I think I feel a little resentful at the end of the day when he comes home and they're all sunshine and butterflies when I'm the one that's been taking care of them all day. However ridiculous that is...they're kids, that's what they do. I have no reason to be upset with them for loving their dad. But he really does help me. And he THINKS he's including me in most things, but his definition of being included is different than mine...I don't feel included simply because I'm allowed to sit in the room while they all pile on each other and talk about how much they love each other. That makes me feel more excluded than just leaving the room, honestly:)
A lot of the issues (as far as me not being able to let go of the discipline) have to do with wanting them to recognize boundaries...I don't want them sleeping in our bed every night, I don't want them to always be in the middle of EVERY conversation I have with their dad. I want them around and I want us all to love each other, but he's far more permissive than I am. He's relaxed, I'm tense. He's go-with-the-flow and I'm organize-every-minute-of-the-day. We're working on all those things:) I think I just get jealous. I hate saying that! But I really do. I want him to be less lenient, I want them to love me as much as they love him, and I want us all to just be happy and not have any conflict. I know it isn't that simple.
What you are feeling is a
What you are feeling is a very common theme on these boards. Stepparents feelings towards their stepkids fall into one of 3 catagories.
A) Love them
Despise them
C) Tolerate them
You are actually between A and C. Meaning that perhaps, in time, you may come to love your step kids. It's rare, but it can happen. Most of us here on STalk however, fall into either B or C. I myself am a C. Oh I care for my stepson and I give him all the comforts of home I can provide and I take a vested interest in his upbringing. But do I love him? No I don't.
Like you, I felt wracked by guilt. I felt like I was the problem in not being able to strengthen the relationship between me and my SS. But remember the movie Aladdin? What did the genie say? "You cannot wish for someone to fall in love." This is a sentiment that you may need to remember. Even if the will is there and the conditions are ripe, you may never ever EVER feel any love for this child even if the child is deserving of that love. It's no one's fault. A deep rooted emotion like a parent's love for a child is not something you can turn on like a switch.
The other aspect of your post is how appreciated you feel. Kids don't wake up and realize that they need to appreciate you and thank you for all the hard work you do. This is something that needs to be taught. To that end, you may need to turn to your BF to explain how you feel. Sometimes all it takes is for one of these children to hug you and say "thank you" and that will give you all the validation you need.
I'm glad I'm not the only one
I'm glad I'm not the only one
It's interesting, because when they do love on me (and the youngest does, quite a bit, just usually when dad isn't home) it totally validates me and I feel calmed and I feel loved and I feel love for them. But all it takes is for dad to come home and the first 20 minute conversation to be had between the three of them about how much they love each other...then I start getting annoyed and feeling left out. And it's so childish, right? I'm the grown up, I shouldn't need to be validated every second. I've been on my own for 14 years, taking care of myself, getting myself through heartbreaks and upsets, not needing anyone to validate me. Now, all of a sudden, I feel emotionally high maintenance and like I need one of them to constantly say "we still love you" in order for me not to feel unappreciated. Ugh, I annoy myself with it, honestly.
It is still new, and I absolutely agree that kids cannot be expected to just appreciate anyone. They're kids, they are selfish and ungrateful and that's ok...childhood is the only time in your life when you are expected to be that way because you just aren't fully developed yet. I KNOW these things intellectually...my feelings are a totally different story. I guess it's just one of those things I'll have to keep working at and I really do need to remind myself that you can't wish for people to fall in love.
What you are dealing with is
What you are dealing with is what the world is turning children into. Discipline has become a thing of the past. People think that satisfying everything want and whim of a child is parenting or "taking care of" their child now. I am still a firm believer in the old school ways. A child's NEEDS come first, but a man and woman should always put each other first. Making a sound, loving, health marriage/couple will attribute to being able to take of the rest of the issues. Children need structure and discipline to become model citizens. I am dealing with the same thing right now. My bf and his ex have babied their child for so long that she is socially about two years behind. She is eight and having issues in school mingling with her own peers because she fits better with children the age of about 6. She thinks that behaving childish is cute and will get her way. With her Mom it definitely does. Her Dad is starting to not buy into the crap and she fights it, but around us is beginning to know that we are not going to give into whining or childish behavior.
I am also struggling with the loving her fully thing that you are. I have thought the same things that you expressed. I am at the point, that if I can just take one day and a time, maybe one day it will just happen.....I will begin to start feeling love for her. Right now....I'm not there and I'm not trying to force it. As stepparents, we must remember, especially women.....we didn't have the carrying, bonding time with the child. I believe that people that foster children and love them immediately are VERY SPECIAL people. I continue to pray that God will help me too and that I can handle this new part of my life.
I agree! The biggest issue I
I agree! The biggest issue I have is accepting that my BF and the BM parented them in a way that's so different from the way that I was parented. They're allowed to "negotiate" way too much, and I always tell him "If my mom told me to go clean my room and I asked her why, I'd already be in trouble. She certainly wouldn't take 5 minutes to discuss it with me and reason me into doing it." And he gets it (sort of) but he doesn't consider that arguing. He's getting better about that stuff, but I constantly have to remind him "why is it that you don't expect them to do what they're asked the first time you ask them?" And he will usually respond with "It's not that I don't think they should, I just accept that they're kids and that they don't focus the way adults do." To which I always say "that's why you teach them to." It isn't that his girls are generally bad kids; any behavior issue they have is age-appropriate, but he's more relaxed about it and more "eh, they'll grow out of it" and I'm more "you have to TEACH them to grow out of it."
And I really do love them. I feel love for them. But I love them in the way that I would love any child; sort of this "well they're kids, of course you love kids." I don't despise them, I don't hate them, I don't dislike them, even. I genuinely enjoy them, just not the same way I enjoy my nieces, and not the same way I would if they were my own. And not consistently. I love my nieces ALL the time. When they aren't with me, when they are, when they're bad, when they're good...I just love them. BF's girls...well, I love them, but it isn't instinctual and I have to work at it. And I wish I could just feel it.
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. I love my nieces and nephew. In my eyes they can do no wrong and walk on water. I compare them with skid(2) when I'm with skid and SO I think of how fast my nieces and nephew learn compared to kid and how laid back SO. I Deff see he has a diff parenting style. Like how he don't discipline skid and how my parents would d iscipline me and how my nieces and nephew listen. I Deff cavorted my nieces and nephew and see all the negatives in skid. I know I will never love skid like one of my own cuz I don't have a child of my own. I treat him nice and try to get along. And I let SO do everything for him I don't participate in his meal prep or any other care. Not till he puts a ring on it
I do a LOT of comparing my
I do a LOT of comparing my BF's parenting style to that of my sister's with my nieces, and even comparing it to how my parents raised me. If I had even considered arguing with my mom the way his girls argue with us, she would have knocked me into next week. I had a very healthy respect for (and fear of) my mother. Even as a grown up, I still sometimes wonder if she knows when I'm being bad
If I wasn't home with his girls all day, it would be easier to stand back and say "I'm not going to parent as much." The problem is, I'm home with them. And to me, that's not a problem; it's no different than having them at a daycare or having a babysitter. The only difference is that I'm also their dad's girlfriend, so I'm sure it's a little confusing for them to have this sort-of parental presence around.
And people can argue with me all they want about how I'm not the parent and that's his job, but I don't look at it that way. When those girls are with us, we're a family unit. I think it's important for them to feel like family, rather than the three of them as a unit and me as an outsider. I know this isn't what you said, but other people have said that I'm not a parent, it's not my responsibility, and I just disagree. I'm building a life with a man who has children so, by default, I'm building a life with his kids as well. And I take that responsibility seriously. If I were babysitting children, I would have to enforce rules, so I'm not sure why I wouldn't enforce rules as a step-parent.
Due to psycho bm I wont
Due to psycho bm I wont babysit. Shes accused me of harming skid before. Another issue is accpecting who bm is and that she birthed the child and I cant change it. I'm doing better then I was. I have love/hate days and moods with skid and situation. SO is good to me and tries to make the three of us feel like a family unit like telling me him and skid love me when my anxiety and depression is bad.
I had trouble with this too.
I had trouble with this too. It is seems like it should all be so similar, and for me, I've tried to be an aunt figure to my SKs (I have 2 nieces and a nephew).
However much you might try, the two relationships are not going to be the same. Your nieces because you are their aunt. You love them because they are your nieces. That is all, and it is bound in blood. No matter what happens you will always be their aunt. However, with SKs, you are "Dad's girlfriend". You aren't their blood relative, you are someone that their dad is associated with (to put it harshly). You are replacement mum without replacing BM. And you aren't their aunt, and you aren't their babysitter. You happen to be their SM. And if something happened (and i hope it doesn't), and their dad had another girlfriend, then she would be their SM. Its a replaceable role. As harsh as all this sounds, and while each person plays a very distinct and profound role in other people's lives, especially as caregivers, its the crux of the problem. What makes it worse it that they're not your kids and they haven't been raised the way you'd probably like, and you can't do much about it.
All this doesn't necessarily make it easier to deal with. But it helped me define my role, which also depended on how I was able to interact with my SKs. I have never told them that I love them. I feel really uncomfortable with that, and I've never been very affectionate with them, even though I have no problems affection with my nieces. On the other hand I've sacrificed a lot for them, so I must love them in some crazy way. Sorry, this probably isn't helping.
I suppose my message is, I was jumbled too. Probably always will be. Its such a complex relationship, its hard to define and its so variable. Maybe just see what happens and it could all work itself out. I hope you find something that works for you.