BM has no family here so relies on DH for Help?
Please respond and let me know what is the best way for me to handle this or do I not? My DH and I have been together for a little close to 4 years now. He has 2 children (twins: boys age 7) from a previous relationship. My DH and I have a child together (9 month old)… BM is not from this state. She moved to this state 9 years ago to attend college. She met DH, they had a relationship and obviously had the boys. When the boys were 2, they ended their relationship and received joint custody… Recently, through their own verbal agreement, DH has full custody (this is another story and I want to stick to my main question here, so will not discuss that in this posting…). My frustration that I have is that anytime she has some sort of issue, she calls my DH to help her since she has no family or “friends” here. When I state issue, I mean ANY type of issue. Over the winter when it snowed she called him to shovel her car out of 3 feet of snow because she was unable to do it (this was the only request he turned down). This is one example. However, there are many occasions where DH has went to her aid, helping her move, helping her pack her household to move etc. She also called one day because she had a flat tire, so DH went and saved the day. On 3 separate occasions she has called with an almost dying type cough stating she had an out of control fever and needed to be taken to the emergency room. DH rushed over to her house, took her to the emergency room and waited, YES waited and then took her back home. Each of those 3 times she was diagnosed with bronchitis… I have told DH that I think it is ridiculous for him to go to her aid whenever she calls him, and yes each time he goes to rescue her, the twins are with me while DH is saving their mom. His reply is that she has no family to call and has no friends to call to help her out so since we live so close to her, he feels it is ok to do this. After so many arguments, he finally told me that he will not go to her aid, so now his mother, my MIL is the person that she calls to do this. My MIL lives 30 miles away, so when BM can’t wait for MIL to arrive, she has recently started to call on DH again. Am I unreasonable to think that this is ridiculous? Call a cab or the ambulance if you think that you are dying. Why is she calling my DH to help her? I know that he goes to her aid because she is the mother of his children and he keeps telling me that he would do that for me if I was in her situation and had no family. I call BS on this because there are other ways to get to a hospital if you have no family….
Has he ever thought that
Has he ever thought that there might be a REASON why she has no friends??
I don't buy that excuse, BTW. She is trying to keep herself inserted into your family by having your DH as her pseudo-DH. Think of a dog pissing on a tree to mark its territory.
Your DH, as many on this site, needs a strong lesson in proper boundaries with an EX.
Maybe it is also time to go to NO CONTACT with her (email only unless emergency to do with the kids). That's what my DH did. There was even a NC order in their court order because of her harassment.
She is a habitual liar which
She is a habitual liar which is why he ended their relationship and also why she has no "real" friends. There was a lady she met at the boys daycare, but that lady has come to both me and my DH and stated that BM has issues and could no longer be friendly towards her... So why she has no friends is beyond me. She was dating someone for awhile, but left him because he cheated on her, which led her to fall into deep depression. She did not finish school because she never went back after having the boys. Also she does not work. I also believe in the 9 years in this state that she has had to have made at least some type of friendship or acquaintances... I find that hard to believe otherwise. I also believe that it is an excuse. I like the no contact idea, I will have to discuss that with him. She does not call him to discuss anything even in regards to the kids or even to see them beyond holidays etc. It's only through texting, but for some reason when she is sick or needs help she is able to pick up the phone and summon my husband. My MIL breaks her schedule to help BM and that is ridiculous too.
Thanks for your response, I
Thanks for your response, I definately need to get this under control... It's gotten way out of hand.
It is very ridiculous and
It is very ridiculous and your DH is enabling her to stay dependent on him. Maybe he likes it? What happens when she's horny?
I certainly wouldn't put up with it. That is 1 too many women in your relationship.
She needs to get some friends, get a man of her own, or go home.
Your DH and his Ex is way out
Your DH and his Ex is way out of line. Sorry, but I think they are probably having sex.
First off I don't believe that she has no friends or no one that she can call. That is just an excuse. Does she work or still in college?
Of course, she has met people. She says she hasn't met anyone? No neighbors, coworkers, etc. She has had 8-9 years to meet people in that area.
If she doesn't have friends it's because she has consumed her life with YOUR husband and doesn't want anyone else in her life to depend on.
I don't see ANY reason why that your DH should ever change her tire, take her to the hospital or even step one foot inside her house ever!
He is confusing being a father to his kids with being a husband to his Ex wife....
I would like to believe that
I would like to believe that isn't the case!!!
Agreed, some type of friends she should have made by now if not acquaintances. She is a habitual liar which is why he ended their relationship and also why she has no "real" friends. There was a lady she met at the boys daycare, but that lady has come to both me and my DH and stated that BM has issues and could no longer be friendly towards her... So why she has no friends is beyond me. She was dating someone for awhile, but left him because he cheated on her, which led her to fall into deep depression. She did not finish school because she never went back after having the boys. Also she does not work. I also believe that it is an excuse that she has no one to turn too. My MIL breaks her schedule to help BM and that is ridiculous too.
She keeps calling and asking
She keeps calling and asking because people keep doing for her. Once people cut off these excessive requests, she'll stop.
I think this is ridiculous
I think this is ridiculous and no, I don't think you are being unreasonable by having a problem with this. Seriously....she's been in the area for NINE YEARS and doesn't have ANY friends??? THAT in itself indicates what type of person she is. Ugh, hopefully he wises up and stops this nonsense, because she's not going to stop as long as she's getting what she wants from him.
she lost all rights to your
she lost all rights to your dh when he married you. he has two wives. force him to choose.
I moved out of my home state
I moved out of my home state with DH. If we broke up, in the beginning I would probably still call him (on occasion) for help with things. It's been hard for me to make close friends here... However, with that said, it sounds like BM is taking total advantage. They've been separated for years, there's no reason why she doesn't have any new friends to help.... she doesn't have a new significant other after all that time?
yes, i think we all call them
yes, i think we all call them in the beginning. once a new love enters the picture, it stops (with normal people who have healed and broken those emotional ties)
And why isn't she working!!
And why isn't she working!!
I Totally agree with you.
I Totally agree with you. Whether you have friends/family/co-workers etc or NOT, you are still an adult and make arrangements for your own life. She has all those options you mentioned so there is no need for her to continue to rely on my DH. All of these issues have nothing to do with their children. To answer another poster, she isn't working because she is trying to claim some type of disability. I'm not sure of all the details because her story is always changing, but she is on anti-depressants etc. She sleeps most of her days away and can't handle the children's behavior which is part of the reason that she sent them to DH full time. She is thinking about moving back to her home state where her family and other friends are, but stalls obviously because she doesn't want to be that far from her children, even though she rarely makes an effort to call or come see them... There are times when she goes to her home state for weeks, even a month or 2 at a time. Once when she left for 2 months (and this was recently), we thought she actually moved, but she did return, so I can't keep track anymore of what is going on with her, it's always changing, but one constant is her always needing my DH to help her with this and that. No more, I can't take it anymore and my poor MIL is being ran around endlessly. Well if she wants to help BM, then that's her problem... It's my problem, when my DH gets involved... He has been doing better lately since I rip him a new one, however, that doesn't change the fact that if MIL may not be available, what would DH then do....
I Totally agree with you.
I Totally agree with you. Whether you have friends/family/co-workers etc or NOT, you are still an adult and make arrangements for your own life. She has all those options you mentioned so there is no need for her to continue to rely on my DH. All of these issues have nothing to do with their children. To answer another poster, she isn't working because she is trying to claim some type of disability. I'm not sure of all the details because her story is always changing, but she is on anti-depressants etc. She sleeps most of her days away and can't handle the children's behavior which is part of the reason that she sent them to DH full time. She is thinking about moving back to her home state where her family and other friends are, but stalls obviously because she doesn't want to be that far from her children, even though she rarely makes an effort to call or come see them... There are times when she goes to her home state for weeks, even a month or 2 at a time. Once when she left for 2 months (and this was recently), we thought she actually moved, but she did return, so I can't keep track anymore of what is going on with her, it's always changing, but one constant is her always needing my DH to help her with this and that. No more, I can't take it anymore and my poor MIL is being ran around endlessly. Well if she wants to help BM, then that's her problem... It's my problem, when my DH gets involved... He has been doing better lately since I rip him a new one, however, that doesn't change the fact that if MIL may not be available, what would DH then do....
they are still connected by
they are still connected by emotional ties. she is getting privileges that should only be allowed his wife.
I don't know...the shoveling
I don't know...the shoveling snow/flat tires/raking leaves/moving? No go, but in the very ill situations, I don't think that is out of line. If BM called and said she was about to die, I'd probably take her to the ER. I wouldn't wait with her though. I've taken neighbors and coworkers I guess I could take her too...not that I'd want to, but because in my opinion she would need help from someone.
Years ago I took my neighbor to the hospital. She was a single Mom and went into premature labor. I hardly knew her but she came over to my apartment crying and bleeding. I did not hesitate and took her to the hospital and stayed with her all day. It is just what people do I guess.
Yes definately to a certain
Yes definately to a certain extent life threatening emergencies, I will agree BM should be taken to the hospital which is why the 1st time she called crying that she might be dying, we were all in a frenzy. DH rushed her to the emergency room, and yes waits there each time because he says that who will take her back home, "if she called me to take her, that means she will call me to pick her up" is his response. I wouldn't even wish DEATH on my worst enemy. Whatever went on between them in the past has nothing to do with me, so I dont wish harm to her. However, There is always more to everyone's story that we cannot include in each post, but she does not have insurance and uses the emergency room like a doctor's office. I guess my whole thing is that regardless if people have children together, there is a time when certain ties should be cut. For her to call DH hubby to come help paint the kids walls in their room, put their new beds together, put their new bikes together and whatever else she "needs" a man to do for her does upset me, but for those types of things, I have kept my calm, because I figure she can't put any of it together and doesn't have anyone to call, so DH will do this for his kids. Now, all the other "emergencies" of shoveling snow, changing flat tires, helping transfer her car to the mechanic and the list goes on, to me is excessive, because what does she do when DH is not available (prior to calling MIL)? She has to do something. I find it hard to believe that when we are on vaca etc that she is "issue" free.
he tells her NO, period. did
he tells her NO, period. did he leave her or did she leave him? i ask because it sounds like he feels guilty or something. let her call MIL. that's up to her whether she wants to help out or not. strong boundaries are needed. divorce means they do not have the right to depend on each other, need to find a new support system. i wouldn't tolerate it. and don't listen to the bull-shit that it's for the kids. that is the weapon they use.
He left her because of her
He left her because of her habitual lying about everything, things that people dont even have to lie about. And once they ended things, which has been over 6 years ago she has had other relationships. But she is currently single now. You do have me re-thinking things, because "for the kids" excuse is what makes me tolerate TOO MUCH of this, and you are correct, that is a sorry excuse weapon. My intuition says that is an excuse... Yes, MIL can choose to help or not, so I dont complain about her doing it. Since our last blow up regarding this issue which has been close to 2 months now, he has been doing well. We still need to set some clear boundaries though, because MIL is not always available so she has asked DH. He refuses, but the point is that she shouldnt even be asking anymore since he referred her to MIL. Thank you so much for your input Cocoa, because you wake me up from stupidity, I appreciate it.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying about doing things for the children but it still seems like she is taking advantage because she knows your DH will come to her house and he will not tell her no.
If it was my husband I would insist that he put a stop to doing ANYTHING for HER and her routine errands/chores.
I would also insist that the things he does for the kids are VERY LIMITED and as much can be done in your home like putting the bikes together would be done at OUR home not hers. As far as painting any room in her house she can either do it or pay someone to do it. That is part of HER home maintanance and is not your DH's responsibility.
She is just using the kids as an excuse!
Another thing I would insist is that I go to BM's with DH and I would plop myself on her couch until he finished the things for the KIDS.
If you went with your DH and hung out at her house watching TV or reading a book (don't talk to her) she might get tired of not having DH to herself and you hanging around.