Ten months later its still not over
Well I was premature when I said goodbye to this group in April. I think I knew in my heart it wasn't over. If you haven't been here that long, I first posted ten months ago about SD rage at me because I wouldn't agree to let her keep horses in our yard. SD and SIL already had 13+ acres and new horse barn 10 minutes away but she wanted to bring them here. SIL threatened to take a portion of our land by adverse possession. I went to an attorney and that was not possible, but still, he made the threat. SD then put her house up for sale to hurt DH. He had given her the land on our property to build 13 years ago. SD also alienated 15 y/o GD from DH. DH visited with them Thanksgiving and Christmas and attended SD 40th birthday at a restaurant with BM. That made me furious. SD banned BM's husband years ago.
Anyway, SD moved in April. There was a big problem because SD built a retaining wall and patio on our land and it complicated the sale. I ended up spending weeks trying to straighten that out with surveyors, local government, etc. just to get them out of here. Worked on it every day and spent $$. I couldn't get it fixed in time and they sold anyway and left us with the problem. When SD moved, DH told me he was going to meet with her and tell her he wasn't going to live like BM with spouse banned. Not that I want anything to do with them after the outburst and threats, but I thought he was going to back me up. SD continued to hurt DH - told him he was disinvited to GDaughter's big out of state event that all other family was going to "because he might distract her or make her nervous."
So, in May DH mother died so we saw SD and her family at the funeral. DH and SD then had some breakfast meetings and he was "happy the meetings are going well." WTF? I say "what happened to the talk about treating Steppedon with respect?" DH says he is trying to mend his relationship first. Grrr
SD invited DH to see her new home for Fathers Day. He went early for a few hours. Think he knew better than to tell me about the new home, etc. SD gave him one of those cards that reads "I smile because you're my father and inside says "and I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it." Pretty much sums up her attitude, I'd say.
So, to get to the reason for posting (finally). This would probably seem petty to 'outsiders' but I think you SMs understand...
Yesterday morning I noticed that two items were missing from our refrigerator that were put there the day before. One was several small pies that an older friend of DHs makes for him. She made him a dozen or more because he is having surgery tomorrow. The other was some containers of BBQ from a local community dinner that we went to the night before. Here is why this really infuriates me: DH and I had a party a couple of years ago. After dinner SD went to the kitchen and got DHs special pies (she knew DD and I had made special dessert for the party) and gave them out to people without my knowing. When DD and I went to serve dessert, many people didn't want any "because SD already served them dessert". DH was perplexed that she gave away his private stash of pies, and of course DD and I knew just what she had done...SD laughed about it. With the BBQ - SD and SIL make fun of community events and local neighbors. Don't participate in things like BBQ. So I'm really irked that he gave her those particular foods.
So yesterday morning I notice half the pies and two (of three) containers of BBQ are gone. I look in the freezer; not there. I'm puzzled. Later I go to the kitchen sink to get a drink of water and DH has left his phone right by the sink and it is on (he can't figure out how to get it to dim out). The screen shows part of a text from DH to SD "look in your car - I came over this morning and left some pies and BBQ for you and a patriotic book for GDaughter - hope she isn't offended."
I stewed on this all day yesterday then asked "By the way, what happened to the BBQ and pies?" DH said "They are in the freezer." I was ready to explode, but he has had several troubling medical tests (not the surgery; that was planned) and had dr. appointment this morning, so I let it go temporarily.
He just called from the dr. and said everything is OK and that he is going to have lunch with SD and GDaughter. I wanted to say "What happened to you disengaging from SD if she did not agree to respect Steppedon?" Should I let it go since he is having surgery tomorrow? I am not going to tell him that I saw a part of his text; he will think I was snooping, but, obviously, the food is not in our freezer, DH, so what really happened to it - you lied to me.
Same old story many of us have. I just needed to vent.
This is the same scenario
This is the same scenario many of us have gone through. The 'respect' message never gets communicated as promised. Then DH gets sucked into 'the game' again, and he acts like a school boy in love when SD throws him a morsel. I can understand why this is a sore spot with you. SD was clearly out of bounds taking it upon herself to distribute the pies while she was a guest in your home. But as for a few days ago, if they are his pies he can do as he wishes with them. They don't have to be 'special' anymore.
If you have not disengaged yet, this is the time - and I don't mean just SD, I mean anything to do with DH and his relationship to SD. This means not hearing anything else about SD or her family, and SD is not allowed in your home until the 'respect' message has been delivered to your satisfaction.
I'm hearing you,
I'm hearing you, steppedonstep, and I'm still trying to understand why these emotionally redarded adults continue their campaignes year after year after year.
Don't they ever, for one minute, actually think of the feelings of their parent?????
It's sick.
We understand ((hugs))
Thanks. This seems so petty
Thanks. This seems so petty after reading the SM who posted right after me about the SS who is a rapist...
Just feels like I keep getting poked in the eye.
Well said, Sandye "he acts like a school boy in love when SD throws him a morsel."
I try to disengage - I don't ask anything about SD, but then he slips it in to conversation like today "Do you need anything from the store? I'll be home after I have lunch with SD." This just flies in the face of how DH told me he was going to handle the situation. So if I just let it go without comment he will think I'm OK with it, when I'm not. I'm sure he just thinks if enough time goes by I'll learn to live with it. That already happened once when SD's husband tried to grope my then 19 year old DD and DH didn't handle it forcefully because he was afraid SD would move. (SD's husband denied it and she believed him.)
If I say something like "Don't mention her name - I don't want to hear about her ever again" he will: one, think I'm being overly dramatic and, two, probably forget anyway.
Steppedon, What you are going
Steppedon, What you are going through is NOT petty. Just wish there was something I could suggest but your DH is just plain blind. When your DH did not handle the groping incident properly it must have been a terrible, betraying moment for you!
My DH allowed SD and her husband to verbally abuse me - he ran out the door. When I banned SD from the house he got on the phone and sweetly told her, "You won't be coming here for a while." He did not say as promised, "You are not allowed to enter our home until you respect Sandye as my wife." I lost a lot of respect for him that day. I finally realized I had to be the strong one and set boundaries for both SD and DH. As time has gone on, I've even become stronger. SD will not set foot on my doorstep until DH can tell her she is to respect me as his wife.
Lying is my biggest pet peeve
Lying is my biggest pet peeve ever. Completely intolerable. I'd likely respond with fury, but I don't know how constructive that is.
"Like a schoolboy in love".
"Like a schoolboy in love". ........so accurate. They toss out a crumb and our dhs jump. They are so busy appeasing these entitled witches that they do not realize how they condone the disrespectful behaviors and around and around they spin. My dh is so avoidant of addressing the quite so obvious behaviors. He allows the " I am a victim" mantra to perpetuate itself. Basically they allow these daughters to totally be in control and I know about disengaging, but to just sit back and see it in all its glory makes me sick! Lol......
Right now, dh is not in contact with any of the queens. Their choice of course. If they decide to engage dh will be there like a puppy dog. This goes on for a few months, then they get pissed off, and throw him under the bus. His response is silence..
I have no great words of advice, but I certainly would appreciate how to sit back and see your husband jump through some spoiled brat's hoop
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Liar, liar, pants on fire. Just said to DH "I guess the gremlins ate the BBQ and pies because they aren't in the freezer." He said, "I know, I took them to SD's and that is what we had for lunch today." I said, "But you told me you put them in the freezer." He said, "I did, but I took them there today." I said "Then you lied, because they weren't in the freezer last night." He insisted they were there. Of course, he does not know that I saw part of his text telling her he put them in her car early yesterday morning. He could see I was peeved and said, "Why, did you want some?" With that I left the room. I'm tempted to rough him up a little while he is under sedation tomorrow...
Since he was having surgery
Since he was having surgery today I thought I'd just leave it at that and come back to it in a couple of days. I hate how SD has come between us. Such a good marriage otherwise.