"Disengagement" pros, help me understand...
I know my posts are pretty bipolar. Accurately reflective of life though, these first few months just starting out as a blended family have kicked our arses...anyways, question for those of you who wish to offer feedback!
We are nearing the first "kid birthday" in our family since we got married. It's DH son, my SS11. (Yes, same kid I want to choke most of the time...but I digress...) so, without saying a word to me about it, DH bought, and came home with a big ticket item yesterday as SS11 upcoming gift. As DH was unpacking this gift and telling me what a great deal he got on it...he also, stops for a moment to pick up the phone. Odd. He then dials BM!
Explains to her what he's purchased..."just thought you should know what he's going to have supervised possession of(at our house and with me only), and IF THIS IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO GO IN ON WITH ME, no pressure, but that option is there."
He then hung up, as the conversation was really that short; she apparently told him she'd think about it.
HUH? Wtf??!! Here's where I get reeeeaaaalllll confused....
A) with this new "disengagement" process I'm trying out, and I supposed to NOT give a flying frick, and simply sit back and observe while he gets his kid whatever he wants, however he wants, and invites whomever he wants onto the birthday gift card??? Kwim?? The money here isn't my issue...
hell no. When we married it was with the intention that we were both going "all-in" to and for each others children, therefore, from that day forward, the only gifts being tossed around THIS HOUSE are from DH and
ME only!!!
My natural gut reaction was of course, B. I was PIZZED! It turned into an hour and a half long discussion about how NO I didn't give a rip about WHAT the gift is and what it costs...I am not, will not, not now not EVER sharing my name on a gift card with BM. Period. And, DO NOT invite her into "our universe" AT ANY LEVEL !!! EVER!!
Of course, DH was shocked at my upset. Of course he was. "Never thought of it that way at all. Only considered that because its a 'blank' that requires supervision, he was informing her of his decision, and thought that, if he could recoup anything financial and she wanted in on it, fine. Nothing emotional lurking there whatsoever...this equates a business transaction...it's about like calling the plumber..." then, he profusely apologized....blah blah blah....
Am I creating my own double standard here? Am I out of line for being peeved about this, when, at the very same time I claim to be trying to learn and practice "disengagement??"
EVERYTHING WE DO, is literally the first time we're doing it. The pressure feels enormous for us both, to lay down solid, good, foundation, for the rest of our lives together! This may seem like the dumbest topic in the world to some, but, how SHOULD it be handled???
First of all, I think most of
First of all, I think most of us can sympathize. The beginning is very tough .. and you're still working through all of these little nuances.
If it's a major purchase and you guys share bills/accounts, then yeah, I would see being upset about it. It doesn't seem like money is the issue here though (which is a good thing!). However, this is something to consider going forward .. as kids get older, gifts get more expensive.
I've never been able to disengage. I like my skids, so I can't offer a lot of advice in this arena. But I did disengage from BM. Communication between her and DH stays between the two of them. They are going to raise their kids the way they see fit. Luckily, DH empowers me to be an active role in that in my own home. Our home, our rules, our life. I'm more involved in staying up to date on the communciation between the two of them now, but that was after several years of disengaging and fighting myself over it
Disengaging is hard because these things are still happening in your home and affecting your life. No one will tell you it's easy .. but it will be worth it one day (hopefully). Like the other poster said above, you can't completely disengage as long as some of these decisions being made impact you in some way. Hang in there!
I am a bit confused-if you
I am a bit confused-if you guys are both going all in on caring for each others kids you cannot be disengaged as well.
I think you need to pick one method or another and then the answer may be clearer to you. Technically, if you are disengaged from this kid, then, no you dont give a flying freak what he buys for him, nor do you care if who the heck "goes in" as long as it doesnt involve you.
IMO, its one of the really hard things about disengagement when you have your own similar aged children in the home-a problem that I struggled with. No, I really didnt care about what ss did or what dh did in relation to ss-UNTIL it affected my children-when unfortunately if you live in the same household pretty much everything affects the other members.
Bottom line, decide how you guys want to parent. Seriously sit down and evaluate in a neutral sort of way. Does he want you buying big ticket items for your kids without discussion? Does he want you to include your ex's name on the gift? If you all are comfortable with this, then fine-that's what works for you-but if one of you are uncomfortable then you need to renogitiate. Sometimes I think we get too snippy with our men-honestly, mine just sort of bumbles his way through life doing whatever occurs to him at the moment (bless his peapicking heart). He doesnt really think about things like whether my wife will get mad that I called and asked if my exwife wanted to pay for part of this. In fact, he would probably think he is doing something awesome as he is trying to save some of the household cash. We give them way more credit than they deserve most of the time!
"I am a bit confused-if you
"I am a bit confused-if you guys are both going all in on caring for each others kids you cannot be disengaged as well"
This is exactly why I am confused and emotionally unstable! Because, since the beginning of our relationship I have been "all in" and so has dh. Only very recently, as a last resort effort to cling to my sanity, have I been made aware of, and have tried to learn and apply some disengagement. I hit the streets running, but very quickly into this marriage have been shot down, trampled, and left for dead by my skids. So, I've retreated, out of self preservation, and been operating at a "I don't give a rip" level when I pertains to the skids.
Then something like this comes up and I go ballistic. It is my natural fiber and inclination TO BE full-tilt, on board, all the time. But it costs me so so so very much
so much more pain and hurt and disappointment than I could have ever anticipated.
And I can relate to what you said about men...my poor DH is NOT a stupid, or malicious man. He does NOT go looking for ways to actively piss me off! He is just as stretched and stressed as I am. And neither of us have ANY models of step parenting at all. We have no play book. We the authors of the playbook...
I guess I should clarify...we
I guess I should clarify...we largely do NOT combine finances...so no, the money part of this I couldn't care less about. He could have spent $1, or the $300 he did spend. I care mostly about..."in this house OUR names go on gift cards, gifts to the kids his or mine, are from US, NOT ex spouses, his or mine!"
Seems like a stupid little issue. But little issues add up. How are "we" supposed to ever start feeling like a "we" in a new "blended family" if we continue to just live like two separate families only under the same roof?
It is very very tricky for me to understand and emotionally process.
to me, disengagement means i
to me, disengagement means i can bow out of anything i don't want to do. anything that affects our marriage, our home, our finances i have FULL say in. dh "partnering" with bm is unacceptable to me. absolutely no joint gifts with her. "spoiling" kids only occurs here IF dh has enough money after he's fully contributed to bills for this household, his ira and any plans WE have for vacations, home renovations, etc. doesn't leave much money left for him to spoil with, and certainly not a $300 bday present! WE have too many things going on. he pays his child support, buys school clothes, takes kids on a yearly trip, and has offered to pay 1/2 of extracurriculars (and when bm refuses, we've agreed whatever he pays for the extra curriculars that he gives me half for our joint savings account - if he can afford to pay bm's portion, he can afford to contribute to us). you have a long road ahead of you hon.
I'm, also, in year one of
I'm, also, in year one of married life. Blending a family is hard enough, especially when the kids are close in age. For me, it's hard to try to keep the same rules and expectations for my DS who sees SD getting away with everything. I do think that there are many different ways to disengage. For me, it means, I get to do what I need to do to keep peace in my home. When SD was sick, I was the one to tell her she was limited to certain rooms. When SD's friend called at 11pm the other night, I was the one to tell them to get off the phone - she's 9 BTW. DH alternates between backing me up and overindulging SD. Not a perfect system, but we know it's a work in progress.
You're entitled to expect respect in your home and from your husband. I do think it's a good thing that DH let BM know of a present that would require supervision before giving the gift to the kid. Asking her to go halvsies sounds like a clueless mistake. I know as the kids get older, the items on their wish lists will be more and more expensive. Personally, I wouldn't care to split the cost of a big ticket item...but SD would still get a card from DH and me and BM can do her own card.
Here's my 2 cents for what
Here's my 2 cents for what its worth.
DH and I have been together 5+ yrs, married almost 2 yrs and living together almost 1 yr (we lived apart due to his work and my needing to sell house first in different town lol) but we have blended. My kids call him dad and he loves them. His DD doesn't live with us but visits EOWE and we get her for a chunk of time in summers. She's very extracted from us, doesn't consider us "her family". Calls me by first name (totally fine) and does lots of "line drawn in the sand" type behaviours to show loyalty to her mom (Whatever. Have at er). So when DH & I make decision, its basically to do with our family here, at home. When it comes to his DD he asks my opinion on stuff but generally makes decisions concerning her on his own, UNLESS they'll affect the other kids and I. So to a point I disengage from SD however I do NOT alienate her because doing so, in my mind, would give DH permission to alienate my kids and I wouldn't tolerate that. So I leave him to deal with her 90% of the time and will do minimal things for her but never go out of my way for her anymore. It was a thank-less job lol
The only thing I can figure is, you and DH are still learning as you go, things are still new etc so you COULD give him the benefit of the doubt but absolutely express your thoughts and how you felt about what happened. I would never go with signing my name to a gift from DC ever. But it would never be an issue between DH & I as he'd never extend the courtesy to her. If we get something for SD *we* take the credit. Not DC. When SD is with us, we do things that suit OUR family with her, not what is good for DC. Does that make sense? So I would expect your DH to slowly make more of a line between his ex and his new family. Always keeping things cordial but never extending anything extra to her, know what I mean?
In our first year of being married, DH & I agreed to give it a year to let everyone adjust meaning out extended families. Gifts arrived at Christams or birthdays etc only for SD (on DH's side of the family) and excluded the other kids. Where as my family included her. So we gave everyone benefit of the doubt for the year but after that we made it clear that SD wouldnt' be acknowledged above the other kids and vice versa. When SD is with us she's included in everything. When she isn't with us, we don't "make up" for stuff she misses out on. Nor do we "save up" fun stuff to do on weekends when she's with us because its not fair to the other kids so she gets to do stuff she's here for and miss out on stuff she isn't here for. This made life WAY easier on me and the other kids and DH was able to leave guilt behind that he wasn't catering to SD and making her upset accidentally. Sorry to veer off in another direction lol
so basically I think you and DH are still finding your groove and it will take lots of conversations and taking things as they come and plan making for tackling "what ifs" scenarios. But for the record, I wouldnt' be OK with what went down either. Nuh-UH